Threesomes and Moresomes

It used to be threesomes were a way for nice, drunk college girls to ride out their “Gay ’til May” pacts Senior Year of college and to get included in the latest addition of Girls Gone Wild: Herpes Edition. On Entourage the fun, wholesome MFF, you and your parents know and love, was in full force this week as nice girl Sloane and her nice guy boyfriend, Eric, took on a third in the boudoir, Sloane’s old gal pal, bad girl Tori. This being a show about Hollywood however, that wasn’t even the most important (albeit the sexier) 3some happening this week on Entourage. That crown belonged to the much more awkward PAS threesome – President of Warner Bros. Alan Gray, Agent Ari Gold and Star Vincent Chase duking it out over pride, shooting days and money after Vince was backstabbed and forced to drop out of Medellin, his dream project by the evil Alan Gray, who wanted to rush Aquaman 2 into production. So the question here really becomes, with Eric bedding two sapphic hotties and Vince taking on his tenacious agent and the duplicitous studio boss, who is the one who really got screwed?This week’s episode of Entourage begins with irony filled fun as we watch loser brother Johnny Drama (I use the term “loser” in the most lovable way possible), playing The Godfather videogame, and I can’t tell if Johnny is actually playing the game as Fredo, but just having a reaons to use Drama and Fredo in the same sentence makes me giddy with meta comparisons.

Drama’s depressed because he hasn’t gotten a phone call from Ari in the 24 hours since he’s been his agent. This week’s Johnny Drama resume fact: 3 episodes of A Different World with Marisa Tomei. For a guy who can’t land a gig, Johnny Drama sure made the rounds in the early 90′s. Depressed as he may be there is no reason why he can’t take a night off to hang out with his boys. Luckily, Drama was already dressed in his best skank-patrolling outfit while he spent the day on the couch with his video game. Am I the only one who watches movies or plays video games in, at most, my underwear? (Awkward silence).

Tonight is just the boys – I guess they are still reeling from the 250 pound weight they just shed in the form of the Dominator – even Vince and Eric’s brief comments about the previous days business events (Losing Medellin = check; = check; $20 million salary demand for Aquaman 2 and incurring the wrath of Warner Bros. studio head, Alan Gray = check and check), is frowned upon. So you can imagine the dismay of Turtle and Drama when Eric bumps into Sloane, who is supposedly his girlfriend. But since we’re six episodes into the season and this is the first time we’ve heard her speak, along with the fact that Eric didn’t even know where Sloane would be tonight, it suggests they’re maybe gym buddies, as opposed to a hot and heavy couple. Regardless, Sloane is there meeting an old friend for drinks, and with Vince quickly getting picked up by a girl he bought a drink for eons ago, the party quickly turns into a Eric and Sloane date, with a side of hot friend Tori and disappointed Drama and Turtle. Just the way it oughtta be.

Before Vince leaves, however, Eric gets a call from Ari who says that Alan feels so bad about making Vince lose out on Medellin he’s willing to bump his price tag from $7 to $10 million. Vince says he stands firm at $20 mil. Ari does not like that answer, because Alan Gray is someone you don’t want to piss off. No shit, this dude is scary. Like Lord of All Darkness scary. Yikes. Vince and Eric aren’t so interested in these threats, and the phone call ends with Eric hanging up on Ari. It’s like they are in Vince’s backyard -wait, they’re from Queens, so it’s like they are on Vince’s front stoop – and just playing Hollywood actor. At this point how can they sitll have no idea how the basics of Hollywood work? It’s getting kind of annoying.

The boys get back to the house – sans Vince of course – and Turtle and Drama complain that Sloane’s friend, Tori was cold. It should be noted at this point that Tori is played by the wonderfully hot Malin Akerman who was Freakshow’s wife in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (“Shotgun anus!”) and Valerie Cherish’s co-star in the brilliant but cancelled The Comeback (“I don’t want to see that!”). She’s kind of reminds me of Cameron Diaz… except, not a boy. A very drunk and high Sloane calls Eric to tell her how much Tori liked him and that you know, she wants to have a threesome with them. Call you later! Bye!

Eric relays the story to Drama, who correctly asks him why he isn’t in his car, which is what I’ve got to imagine every guy watching this scene is also thinking. No, no, no Sloane was just kidding, which is irrelevant to Turtle and Drama, because the spank bank just received a major deposit.

The next morning as Drama is Rachel Ray-ing around the kitchen, Lloyd calls looking for Vince; Vince isn’t there but he’d love to talk to Ari. Whoops! Ari just stepped out. Vince comes into the kitchen and miraculously Ari is available. Hey, Drama may be stupid but he’s not, err, stupid. Well, Ari better talk to Drama or he’s not getting to Vince. Ari finally gives in and placates Drama with a vague promise of an acting gig. Sorry Ari, Drama just lost Vince. Two can play at this game Monsieur Gold!

But who cares about all this “important career talk”, Turtle and Drama spill the beans about Sloane’s drunken confession to Eric (“Sloane wants E to be the meat in a girl on girl sandwich” – Drama, ever the poet). Vince is VERY interested. Like, shouldn’t stand up right now, interested. Eric still doesn’t think it’s worth getting excited over – he’s already ruined two pairs of underwear that way – because Sloane was drunk and she would never do anything like that. But why did she even bring it up if it wasn’t a possibility? The boys are in agreement that all Eric needs to do is push a little. Well, that and get her drunk of course.

At the Ari Gold Super Duper Talent Agency, Alan Gray, who is quickly making the smoke monster on Lost seem like a cuddly Ewok, is getting very impatient with Vince’s feet dragging. Alan is willing to go up to $12.5 million to put this whole ugliness behind him. I’ve got to say whoever did the casting of this Alan Gray guy, is a genius, because he is just evil incarnated. But what else do we expect from Moe Howard, the most deadly of The Three Stooges? He needs a phone call from Ari by 4:00 pm or he’ll send his winged monkeys to Ari’s office to dismantle Lloyd, the Tin Man and his little Dog too. Lloyd gets Drama on the phone, who relays this important message: Vince won’t talk to him until he has a job for Drama. Ari, of course flips out (Jeremy Piven should just send this episode straight to the voting board for the 2007 Emmy Awards right now), and although he can’t promise lox at his staff meeting, he can promise whoever gets Johnny “Drama” Chase a job by the end of the day $10,000. Ehh, it sounds like a lot of work to me, I’d rather have the lox – I love a good smear! – but hey, I’m not a Hollywood agent, or Lloyd for that matter, who is also throwing his fedora in the ring to land Drama a job.

Eric is at lunch with Sloane, and they are laughing over Ari’s profanity laden text messages – which I can’t repeat here, out of fear that the FCC may start monitoring webpages, solely based on Ari Gold’s creative language use. The conversation between Eric and Sloane is realistically awkward, although I’ve found all the girls that I’ve had threesomes with to be a lot calmer. You’d be shocked to know how cool Baby One More Time-Britney and Slave For You-Britney are about making out with each other. Sloane doesn’t think that Eric would go through with it, to which he of course says, “Umm, duh, yeah I would.” Eric doesn’t think that Sloane would do it either though, and she counters with: “Yeah, I would – I love to chow box!” So it’s a date! Only hiccup: Sloane has some ground rules.

Drama thinks that threesomes with rules are dangerous. He must’ve read that in a really in depth article in Penthouse, because the only threesome he’s ever had was with Turtle. Unless, he was referring to the sword crossing incident, in which case, he’s right about the need for rules. As the guys trick Eric into heading into the Hustler store (which looks more like a supermarket to me – granted, the greatest supermarket in the world – but a supermarket none the less), Vince correctly guesses that Sloane’s rule is that Eric can’t have sex with Tori. Eric is astonished that Vince knew that, but lest we forget that Vince makes Wilmer Vladerama look like a cloistered monk. And not one of those slutty cloistered monks, the real ones. This no-sex-with-Tori thing isn’t necessarily bad; it just means that Sloane’s a good girl. The girl that wants you to treat her special in a threesome is the one you want to be in a relationship with, not the one who begs you to bang her friend. That happens to be the exact opposite of my dating policy, but whatever, I guess Vince has a point, and it’s nice to see some good advice spew out of his normally vacant fishface. Turtle has some advice of his own, and advises Eric to buy a strap-on, because there’s no rule saying that just because Eric can’t plug away at Tori, Sloane can’t give her a good once over. Turtle, your words speak to my very soul.

Ari tries to call Vince again and gets Drama. At this point, Vince has officially started to act like a petulant child. And worse, an idiotic petulant child. Just pick up the damn phone and at least tell Ari no. He’s not mad at Ari, he’s mad at Alan – so I don’t see why he’s playing a game of the dodge-the-call with his agent. Ari immediately tells Drama he’s got some things in the works for him,hangs up and text messages Eric.

No one in the Ari Gold Super Duper Talent Agency has made any progress on the Drama-job front, but Lloyd has a few calls in. Ari can’t believe that he’s got a $12.5 million dollar offer on the table (that’s $5.5 million more than Vince is signed for – and only slightly less than what I get paid per blog) and no one will talk to him. The guy’s got a point. I mean this commission isn’t even going to Ari; it’s going to his old company. And say what you will about Alan Gray, like he beats up old people and has sex with corpses, but he’s pretty generous when it comes to compensation. He certainly didn’t need to offer Vince $10 million for being a baby, none the less $12.5 million, for being an even bigger baby. Lloyd tells Ari that he has Alan on the phone and he’s pretty sure that he’ll talk to him. This puts Ari into a no- more-Matza-during-Passover-level fit and he picked up his MAC screen and goes to throw it. Apparently, Ari’s a PC.

Thankfully, Lloyd reminds him that the computer is a rental, and he calms the beast. It’s a nice small moment between the two of them, in which we really see the dynamic between Lloyd and his abusive boss. That being said, I laugh hysterically when, in lieu of trashing his MAC, Ari pegs Lloyd with a stress ball. Alan is growing angrier and angrier about this deal. Alan explains to Ari in detail that if he doesn’t make Vince play ball, it won’t only be Vince’s career that is in jeopardy, it will be Ari’s. Up until this point I was thinking to myself, what can Alan really do to Vince and Ari? Sure he can, and does threaten to, sue, but what else? It never occurred to me, as it did to Ari, that Alan could close his entire studio to Ari and all of his clients. Why would anyone want to be represented by the Ari Gold Super Duper Talent Agency when they are being closed off to one of the biggest movie studios in the world? I mean, no chance of a role in a Harry Potter movie? I shudder at the thought. Here is where I seriously start to feel bad for Ari; something I didn’t think was possible. I mean, let’s be honest, Ari’s a funny guy to watch on television, but he’s kind of a dick. He’s not exactly a character that you’re supposed to sympathize with. He’s got a great career, tons of money and a hot wife. Sure, his daughter looks like Sloth from The Goonies, but that’s not exactly enough to melt my steely heart for this asshole. Yet in this case, I feel for him, because for once, he’s trying to do the right thing. It’s now, for the first time, that I wonder why, besides loyalty, not exactly something that abounds in H-wood, Ari doesn’t drop Vince as a client. To make matters worse, if this isn’t settled before the next full moon, Ari won’t only be dealing with Alan, but his Lycan alter ego.

Eric is ready for the Prom, I mean his threesome. He’s all nervous, and it’s cute, because I remember my first threesome. Who could forget that warm spring day in the 3rd grade? I haven’t been able to look at building blocks without getting aroused ever since.

Before Eric can leave, there’s a knock at the door, and it’s Ari and Lloyd. Vince tells Eric to skip out before Ari gets his claws into them. Drama answers the door – they can’t pass unless he has a role. Ari, well, actually, Lloyd, got him an audition for an Ed Burns pilot. Drama used to play ball with Ed Burns so he’s super excited. Shockingly, the show is about 4 Irish brothers, and I’m going to guess that they may have relationship problems. Who is still hiring Ed Burns, anyway? Drama let’s them in and hangs back with Lloyd to discuss some future career moves. Sniff, sniff. I smell spin-off. Best. Idea. Ever.

Ari finally gets to speak to Vince and he asks what I’ve been wondering for the past two episodes: “What’s your plan?” There is a $12.5 million dollar offer in front of Vince, but it was never about the money. Ari echoes my earlier point saying that Alan didn’t have to offer him compensation for not allowing him to make Medellin, but he did. The fact of the matter is Alan has Vince under contract. If Vince doesn’t honor said contract Alan will sue him and take everything: the house, the careers, possibly Turtle. Vince doesn’t care about any of those things (save for Turtle); Vince just can’t get passed the fact that Alan lied right to his face. Ari, using a lot more patience than I thought he was capable of, says that he’s sorry that Alan lied to him, but this is the world they live in. What? In Hollywood? Studio bosses? Lying!?!? Yeah, right. Tell me another one, Gold. Medellin is over – they’ve made an offer to Benicio, it’s time for Vince quit his bitching and man-up. Vince FINALLY agrees, and says he doesn’t want the $12.5 million; he wants the original $7 million. He doesn’t want to be indebted to Alan’s cult of evil. Now all Vince has to do is join Ari and Alan for a breakfast meeting to smooth things over. And, just as you think Vince has made a correct turn into the land of the savvy, he refuses the meeting, but will be on the set of Aquaman 2 every day, like the professional he claims to be.

Now to a much happier meeting. Eric, Sloane and Tori are at dinner, and Tori comments on how adorable it is that Eric is nervous, which is a kind of bitchy thing to say. I mean what guy wants to be called out on being nervous before he’s going to bang two girls that are like 4 levels hotter than him? Oh come on, Eric is like the homeliest looking hobbit in the shire, compared to these two girls.

After dinner they head back to Sloane’s for some hot girl on girl dancing and making out. It’s kind of sweet that when we see Sloane and Tori kissing she signals for Eric to join them, because you can tell she’s also really nervous. Again, Tori is kind of bitchy when she teases Eric by pushing him away, and then comes up with a “just kidding!” It’s the porn equivalent of pantsing a middle schooler in the cafeteria. They take the fun into the bedroom, and we cut to the next morning before we can see Eric get double serviced.

COME ON OVER, STUD!

PSYCH! ACCESS DENIED!!!

NO, WAIT, WE WERE JUST KIDDING

Things must have not gotten too crazy last night, because the next morning, they’re all in bed sleeping, and Tori has her shirt back on and Sloane is wearing an old t-shirt. I just think it’s weird that after a night of wild drunken threesome sex, she’d put on her jammies, and Tori would be concerned about finding her shirt. Regardless, the discomforting part is that Eric waked up spooning with Tori. Hmm, if Sloane didn’t want them having sex, I wonder how she’d react to that bit of news?

GOOD MORNING PUMPKIN – OH WAIT…

THERE WE GO… THAT’S BETTER… OR IS IT!?!?!

On his way home, Eric’s thinking that not much can bring him down today. Talk about spank bank deposits! But Then Ari calls, and let’s be honest, that’s almost always bad news. This morning, when Vince was a no-show at the breakfast meeting, Alan finally gave both Ari and Vince a big fuck you. The role of Aquaman will now be played by Jake Gyllenhaal. It’s a nice, but slightly dated reference to the fact that Jake was supposed to fill in for Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 2 due to Toby’s “back problems” (read: money). Ari needed Eric there last night to help reign Vince in and he was nowhere to be found. Now everyone is screwed. Eric gets back to the house and reports the news: Vince has lost Aquaman.

So now what for Vincent Chase? He’s lost both the lucrative Aquaman franchise, which could’ve opened up tons of doors for him and Medellin, the film that could’ve made him an icon. I love that Vince is finally getting hit with some harsh realities of Hollywood, but I have a feeling he’s going to be just fine. The same can’t be said for Sloane and Eri, however. I also wonder if Turtle and Drama’s recent career upswings, are going to change the dynamic of the house. Don’t you think Vince’s hair would look great under a chauffeur’s cap?