If getting paid $100,000 bucks to go to Vegas and judge a stripper contest is rock bottom, then someone please get me to the floor ASAP. I don’t know if most normal humans can consider this as low as you can go, but it’s looking pretty close for Vince on Entourage. After getting fired from Aquaman 2, missing out on dream project Medellin and pissing off half of the entertainment industry with his stunt at the Hollywood Foreign Press conference over the Technicolor revamp of Queens Blvd, you’d think that Vince would have to be pretty close to a Tom-Cruise-Ate-His-Baby’s-Placenta-level meltdown, right? Ehh, not quite. Things might not be going exactly his way, but Vince isn’t letting that ruin his easy, breezy beautiful Cover Girl lifestyle. Next stop: VEGAS BABY!Despite the fact that the charmingly mentally challenged Turtle set up the gig, everything seems pretty legit about the all expense paid trip to Vegas: Some club is paying Vince $100,000 to go to a party they are throwing. People pay Paris Hilton money to go to clubs all the time, so it’s completely normal. And Vince probably won’t have to participate in any Donkey Shows while he’s down there, so: Vincent Chase – 1; Paris Hilton – 0. Eric doesn’t know if it’s the best idea – which continues to help my theory that he is, in fact, the secret love child of Samwise Gamgee and Debbie Downer . But Vince, having a rare moment of lucid self-realization, thinks that since everyone in Hollywood hates him only slightly less than they hate Mel Gibson, it’ll be a good idea to get out of town for a bit. Turtle’s reasoning for going: “Saying no to Vegas, is like saying no to a blowjob.” Say what you will about the squat little guy (and I sure do), he makes some valid points.
Despite the persuasive and logical argument, Drama thinks he might pass on the trip. He has a pilot to shoot and needs to relax. If this were Pee Wee’s Playhouse - if only! – PILOT would be the word of the day, seeing how Drama drops it more times than I drop celeb names in my recaps. Vince reminds him that there are two different kinds of Vegas: The debauchery laden sin factory and the laid back spa capital of the world. I’ve actually done both kinds of Vegas trips, crazy bar top dancing (apparently only hot girls are supposed to do that, not overweight bloggers) and laid back with food, booze and pool. Both are great, but either way, after 3 days in Vegas home is the only place in the world for me. Drama, remembering that he has a boyfriend in Vegas who gives one hell of a massage, decides to join the guys on the trip. Now there is only one piece of the puzzle left – convincing Ari to join them. Ari also tries to weasel his way out of a spur of the moment trip to Vegas on a Wednesday, but is defenseless against Vince’s charms. He also has just a little bit of experience with Vegas, so he wants to see if things have changed since he impaled Kobe Tai in the bathroom a few years back.
The boys get to Vegas and Ari fields two calls from equally hostile females: Mrs. Ari and Babsm his new partner in the Miller Gold Talent Agency (The Ari Gold Super Duper Talent Agency is officially dead). Mrs. Ari is pisst off that he is skipping out on the theater with her parents, while Babs is not too pleased that he is servicing the needs to his top client when there are 150 of his OTHER clients that need his help. I love Beverly D’Angelo so much in this role, it’s ridiculous. She’s the scariest woman this side of Mrs. Ari, and her voice is like sand paper. Genius casting.
The first thing they do upon arrival is head over to the roulette table with $5.00. It’s a tradition that they’ve had since they were crawling around the sewer that is Atlantic City – $5.00 on red. If they win, it will be a good weekend. Ari likes this game, better than the tradition he has of taking $5.00 and finding the cheapest hooker in Vegas. If he could find one to shave his ass for $5.00 it was going to be a good weekend. Ari, inspired by Vince’s continued good luck streak, decides to take Vince on as a gambling partner.
On the way up to the room, Eric bumps into his archnemesis Seth Green, and his bizarro posse. There’s even one guy who wears a hat just like Turtle! Except in the Seth Green alternate world, Eric would be the leader of the pack. Regardless, Seth asks Eric about Sloane again, and Eric starts to seethe anger, jealousy and Hobbit-osity. Apparently, Eric has a long history of being jealous, like the time he punched some guy in the face in high school. Or when Frodo stole his pipe. Eric can’t be put at ease though; he starts to think that Seth knows Sloane, a lot better than either of them is letting on. Like as well as she knows Lance Bass.
There’s a giddy-up in the hitch that is Turtle’s fool proof plan for easy cash and parties: An itinerary spelling out Vince’s duties for the day. Granted it’s not like an interoffice memo most of us get at work, because this one reads with things like meet & greet at the pool, Stripper contest, etc. Vince wants to win some money, Ari and Eric need to go check out exactly what Vince is going to be the judge of (remember, Vince needs a better PR image) and Drama has already put on his robe from home, ready to get manhandled by his manseusse.
Turtle and Vince sit down at one of the Hard Rock’s tables, and plunk down the $100,000 for some chips. Turtle gets 10% as the commission, and the chips start to flow. Some might argue that this reckless behavior might be a way of showing Vince’s distraught at the current state of his career. You know, just throwing away $100,000 on poker chips when you have no work and are bceoming a Hollywood casualty. But I submit that Vince has no additional shades to reveal. Beacuse I hate him. Because he has my life.
Ari and Eric check out the Queen of the Strip contest that Vince will be judging. Much to their surprise it is not one of those wholesome wet t-shirt contests you see on Girls Gone Wild, but rather a stripping contest. Eric and Ari may be very impressed by these Pussycat Dolls but this is definitely not the image makeover that Vince needs.
Drama has made his way into the hands of his manseusse, the strapping Ken. Drama submits that Ken’s hands are a thing of quiet beauty. Best. Manseusse. Ever. Drama of course starts inadvertently hitting on the straight Ken, showering him with compliments, money and his nuts (What? He brought Ken some California almonds, what did you think I meant?). Drama pays for Ken’s services for the entire day, saying that he doesn’t want his hands touching anyone else. Usually this kind of sitcom-y plotline would really tick me off (If Jack Tripper, Janet Wood and Chrissy Snow aren’t involved, I have very little patience for miscommunication), but dammit if Johnny Drama doesn’t sell me on it. Later, Drama does a little nudging about Ken’s girlfriend, and finds out he is recently single and kind of bummed out about it. Drama has the perfect remedy – ANAL BEADS! No, no, no. A night out with the boys.
Back at the casino floor, Vince has lost all of his and Ari’s money, while Turtle is excited to be up a few grand. Once he makes a little more, he can find himself some nice high end hooker for the evening. Ari is starting to freak out a little over his partner, Vince’s, cold streak (oh symbolism!). “Can’t stay hot forever,” is all Vince has to say in his defense. Could Vince be speaking about more than his luck at the card tables? Nah!
Next on the agenda is the meet and greet with the strippers at the pool. Again, Eric runs into Seth Green, who wants to know if he’s told Sloane “What’s up?” yet. Eric hasn’t done so, and Seth is really getting on his nerves. Now he’s starting to believe that maybe Sloane did bang Seth. The guys are on the fence about this – but Eric says that they made their lists of past partners and Seth Green wasn’t on it. Vince kind of sheds the light onto the fact that when people make their lists they usually keep a few people off. Vince is so right. Like I keep Kim Smith off my list of conquests, because I don’t want any future girlfriends to be intimidated. And because of that damn restraining order. I also have to say that the battle of the diminutive sidekicks (Seth & Eric) is hysterical. And a big good for you, to Seth Green for coming on the show, playing himself, and playing himself as an asshole.
Eric can’t take the speculation anymore, so he calls up Sloane to ask her about Seth. Apparently, Sloane and Seth were on a teen tour together when they were kids, and he was totally obsessed with her. They never dated. After all he is the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not quite evil enough.
Ari needs to get back to the tables with Vince, so they leave Turtle alone with the strippers, which is only bad news for Turtle’s shorts. He does however manage to get a chuckle out of me by saying that he is going to help Vince judge the contest, and he’s left his integrity back at home.
Ari is having a much worse time watching Vince squander their money at the tables. He’s lost $220,000 without a hint of remorse. He tags in Ari to play for the team, to see if maybe he’ll have some better luck.
While Ari is praying to the casino Gods downstairs, the rest of the gang is getting ready for dinner. Eric tells the guys what he’s found out about Sloane & Seth’s not-so-sordid past. They are all very impressed with Eric restraint because the old E would have “bit Seth’s ear off.” They are all set to get going, although Drama is dismayed that they will be joined by 10 strippers for dinner. Ugh. That is annoying. Drama wanted an evening that was free of distractions and only filled with nuzzling Ken’s ear.
At the party, Turtle starts asking Ken some Brokeback Mountain questions. Get it? He thinks Ken is gay. So he asks him about Brokeback Mountain, because… wait for it… wait for it… it’s about two gay guys.!Doesn’t Turtle know that Brokeback Mountain jokes are now only funny if discussing the casting of Heath Ledger as the Joker? You know, some kind of Brokeback Batman: Dark Knight mash-up. “I wish I knew how to quit you… and your wonderful toys!” Or something like that. Well, apparently Ken isn’t gay at all – we know this because the guys all start to really like him, and he used to play football. We know THAT because Drama recites his STATS with freakish delight and pride.
Naturally, Seth is lurking at the party. He dubs the guys Vinnie Chase and the Chasers, which may be the funniest thing I’ve heard on this show yet this season. He invites Eric to do a shot of Jaeger with them, but Eric declines. He only drinks in the Shire. Seth asks if he told Sloane “What’s Up?” yet, and Eric says he did and that Sloane said “What’s Up” back.
With all the excitement on the playground between Eric and Seth, no one noticed that Ken, the manseusse, has wandered off to start massaging the lovely stripper Amber. Drama flies into a blind rage, and pulls his bitch off the stripper. Ken’s with him tonight. Sadly, I’m still charmed by Drama’s blatant and oblivious overtures to poor Ken. Drama wants another mansagge and they go up to the spa, which has unfortunately closed early. Drama shakes this off and suggests that they head up to his place to finish up for the night. Ken is tentative, but bi – I mean curious (same thing?) – so he agrees.
Ari is as mad as one of Lindsay Lohan’s studio bosses, down at the blackjack table. But have no fear, Vinnie is here! Vince takes over the cards, and gets a pair of 8′s dealt to him, which he splits. He gets another 8 and splits that one too. He gets a 3 on his last 8 and doubles down. There is now $2,232,099,209,090.03 at stake on the table. But does Vince learn a lesson? Like don’t bite off more than you can chew? Life isn’t always going to go your way? NO. The dealer busts, Vince and Ari win, and hugs and kisses and puppies and rainbows for all!
In Johnny Drama’s Den of Man Love, Drama sets off into the other room, leaving Ken to prepare. Ken, confused by these newfound feelings, awkwardly starts to get undressed and slip into bed. At first you can’t tell if he thinks that Drama is paying for sex or if he’s into it, and either way it’s very funny. Drama comes back into the bedroom, with shock and disgust on his face. It’s as if you can see every gay thing that Drama did that day replay in his dim little mind. Ken says that he’s never even considered another guy before, but because of Johnny’s attention to him today, he’s willing to give it a shot. If this is what Drama needs, he’s willing to give it to him. After all, they are in Vegas. Cue Drama leaving the room and heading towards the piles and piles of strippers.
Luckily for Drama and his Landis-level testosterone, there is a fight breaking out for him to get involved with. Things finally came to a head between Seth and Eric over the virtue of Sloane. Eric says that he was a stalker, and Seth says Sloane was obsessed with him. Things escalate from there, Seth mentions something about blasting Sloane in the face (and I don’t think he was referring to any kind of pore cleansing treatment) and brawling ensues. Drama arrives just in time and really kicks some ass. I’m a little disappointing that Vince just stands on the sidelines like a pussy, because I was really hoping to see some of that boy from Queens cracking some skulls,. But no. He just sips his drink, while Ari says that this REALLY isn’t going to be good for his image. What Ari? Him being linked to a bar room brawl or the fact that he doesn’t jump in when his crew starts to take a beating? Tupac and Biggie are rolling in their graves.