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Wednesday, January 12, 2011
4:00 pm
22 Comments
***To check out the preview of this new crop of skanks, go here.
Hey there, Gasmii. I’m snowed in down here in Alabama because we have no trucks, equipment, etc to manage the icy, snowy roads, so here I sit. Seriously, no more than 7 inches. SNOWED IN, folks. But I’ve had a cup of coffee the size of my head, so let’s jump right in, shall we?
Episode 1 opens with the same old Robin Leache voice saying “In the world of the rich and privleged, these princesses reign supreme…” Blah blah. It’s basically the longest montage in the history of TV, and all it shows us is what we’re about to see. “Who will discover their true, independent selves?” I’m guessing it’s NOT the girl they’re showing beating another with a croquet mallet. Just a hunch.
Just back from commercial and we already have another montage. This time, the girls are walking a red carpet, and being asked questions. One girl is asked “Which is your favorite? Gucci, or Prada?”. She giggles and answers “Versashee”. Your fave, huh? You might wanna learn how to say the name then, Punkin. Leache says that the girls think they are competing to be the next “IT” girl. And yes-they are THAT stupid.
Montage of Jessica, the “Palm Beach Socialite” (whom we now know is actually from the Jersey Shore). We’re treated to a shot of her ginormous handbag collection. Question, Gasmii- If it goes over your shoulder, why do you call it a handbag? Is there something I don’t know? I buy my bags at the Wet Seal, so I’m not exactly purse-savvy, if you know what I mean. Someone help me out here. Anyhoo, all of her handbags cost over $1,000…..zzz…..ZZZZ….zzz… Sorry- She introduces her parents. Mom is VERY Jersey, and says “I created this monsta, I admit it!” I’d imagine that anyone wearing a zebra print jumpsuit probably doesn’t have a problem admitting to anything. I’m just sayin.
Now it’s time to meet Jenn, and she proves to be as awful as she looks. Her skin is leather, and she has jowels for days. In fact, I’m going to call her Jowels from now on. Her parents bought their mansion in ’98 for one-and-a-half-million “in cash”. I doubt that. No one would carry a-million-and-a-half in cash around with them, not even her parents, as dumb as they may be. She tells us “Ugly people just annoy me.” Then she must be annoyed with herself on the daily cause she is BUS-TED, folks! She may be rich, and get botox all day (as we see in her montage), but this chick needs to get to an orthodontist IMMEDIATELY!!! She has a classic “horse-mouth”, and her top teeth don’t go straight back like they’re supposed to, they form an arch. Does anyone know what I’m talking about? Anyway, just know that she looks like she eats batteries for breakfast.
Braces for this one, STAT!!!
Next up is Shakyra (insert groan here), aka “Vanity”, and she’s “Brooklyn’s Fashionista”. Does she mean “Brooklyn’s Fashionista circa ’93″? You see, she’s got the Naomi Cambell/Madonna sleek high ponytail going on, and it looks ridic.
Naomi Cambell and Flava-Flave's Love Child
She introduces her boyfriend (who provides for her lifestyle), and his name is “Legend”. Alrighty then. He’s got the whole blazer-with-the-casual-twist-of-a-Tshirt-underneath thing going on. Like, he’s definately trying to be a record producer or something, and thought that naming himself “Legend” and dressing “quirky” would get him “where he wants to be, yo”. I don’t mean to stereotype here, but HELLO!? You know I’m right.
I bet he's wearing skinny jeans and converse shoes, too. You know he is.
She shops a lot (take a number), and if the store doesn’t treat her a certain way, then she will never shop there ever again. In fact, she can and will take a business down if she wants to. Hey Vanity, why don’t you start by taking down the business that sold you that ratty-ass wig your wearing, hm? It’s atrocious, and so is she.
All the girls gather in a scary looking room, where they are greeted by Kimberly Caldwell (huh?). Kimberly tells them that they are here because they each demand attention (understatement of the century). But there’s one more thing, she says. “One of you doesn’t belong here” (cue the scary “record stopped” kind of music). “One of you doesn’t live the same fabulous life as the rest of you….Laura?” A chick with an even worse wig than Vanity’s comes forward, faces all the girls, then pulls the wig off. Confused looks all around. Guess who it is, guys? It’s Laura Baron, the lifecoach. I will call her Razorjaw.
Me thinky she might be Bethenney Frankel's long lost sister, no?
Razorjaw tells them that their lives are about to drastically change cause they’ve been….oh no….wait for it…..terrified faces….CUT OFF!!!! Yipee! (for us). They all turn to a screen that shows a montage of all their parents (or wannabe-producer boyfriends) telling them that they are sick of the girls’ behavior/spending, and they’ve had enough! Reactions, anyone?
Nadia?
Now we are back from commercial and have a montage of Hana. She has a personal assistant (to assist her with what, exactly?), a make-up artist (should be fired), a chauffeur (as we watch her drive herself around), private planes (not shown), and a personal stylist (who’s presenting to her a horrible fur jacket from Khol’s Barney’s). You’d think that with so many people around to help, that someone would at least SUGGEST some deep conditioner.
VO5 Hot Oil Treatment? Anything?
I guess not. Moving on. The girls are led outside to their rides, which are minivans. Jowels says that she has never ridden in a minivan before, except in a cab that was a van, but she was wasted so what-everrr. Newsflash, Moron- That means you HAVE ridden in a minivan before!!! God, I really hate this one. Anyway, now the girls are riding through a normal part of town and they are calling it ghetto and scary. Hana sees a sign or two written in Spanish and asks “I mean, are we even still in America?” No, asshole. We time-warped you down past the Mexican border. Phew, these bitches are exhausting. They finally pull up to a normal, middle class house, and Aimee says “It looks like someone’s Granny wants to die here!” Huh? Think before you speak, anyone?
Awww...
Laura is there waiting to tell the hoes that they will be “living like the average American” for the next 8 weeks. They will (all 8 of em) be sharing 2 rooms and 1 bathroom. They are provided with 2 trunks per room, and must downsize their luggage into the trunks, and that’s all they can take in. LOL. That means 2 girls per 1 trunk. Jowels comes up with the brilliant idea to layer her clothes on to her body in order to take more in. That’s kind of smart. Ya know what would be even smarter? If she layered on something besides jackets, since they’re in Cali, and it’s clearly warm there ( judging by the sweaty/oily face-shine she’s sporting). Ya know what would be SMART-EST!? If they piled shit into the trunk, took it in, unloaded it, then brought it back out to repeat the same thing until all their shit is in the house. Razorjaw didn’t say there was a limit on trips, now did she? I’m thinking waaaaaaay too deep into this, huh?
Now we meet Marcey, who informs us that she’s a big actually obese girl, with a big personality. She also tells us that she’s not a size zero. We see that, honey.
NOT a size Zero
We see her sitting at a table with her “friends”, having some food and drinks, bitching about the waitress not passing a tray of finger-sandwiches to her. Squeeze me? The server is supposed to bring the food to the table, not serve each person individually, ya Jerk-off. Why don’t you lift the tray up yourself, and burn half a calorie, hm? She says “If you’re a waiter, that’s your only job in the world, so bring me my things when I want them.” Alright, bitch. THE GLOVES ARE OFF! It’s me against your weight AAALLLLLL SEASON LOOOONNNGG, baby! I worked in the service industry for years, and I take shit like that personally. Grrrrr…
We meet Nadia. She wears white lip gloss, has a “spongebob squarepants” body, and her kid is already at daycare by the time she gets up. You know who I hate more than fat bitches who harass the wait staff? Bitches who have all the time in the world to raise their kid, but refuse to do so. Assclown.
Back to the driveway of the girl’s new home. The chicks are downsizing into their trunks, and Vanity says something about “that bulllshit bout my boyfriend be cuttin me off imma get his ass at home..” I think that means she’s refusing to move in, but I’m not sure. Commercial break. (thank God)
So the girls finally enter the house, and it’s actually decent, despite some random/ugly decorative pieces….
Gag
Double gag
…..But Jowels says “It’s not actually a homeless shelter, but one notch above. And it was decorated by a blind person.” Ok. This “Bad Girls Club” reject is about to have me mad, for real. I hate her!!! Let’s all play “How Many Politically Incorrect Things Can We Say In One Sentence”, shall we? Ugh. Hana says she “feels like the world is ending.” UGH.
We are now introduced to Aimee. She’s Houston’s “Suga bay-bay”. LOL. I really think I might like her. At least for today. She’s been through “5-8 cars” because she wrecks em, and mom buys her another one. Must be nice. She wants to be a trophy wife, likes to shop, blah blah yawn.
Back to the house. The girls are all looking around and here’s Vanity-
Teeheehee
Jowels decides that she doesn’t eat meat, but needs wine, like, now. Of course, there is only boxed wine, just like in episode 1 of last season. They all agree that they just CANNOT drink boxed wine, then a filled glass magically appears in each of their hands. Vanity decides to come on in, and changes into her sweats. Can I just say that I’m pretty sure she is attempting to bite Rhianna’s style, but is failing miserably. She claims to have found mold in the freezer. Cue horror-movie music then crickets all around. She freaks out and won’t shut up. The others tell her to shut up. And I wish they would ALL just shut up.
Aimee says exactly what I would say “What can you do about it?”. LOVE her. Vanity replies with “I just won’t be treated like this”. Aimee and Van begin to argue. Aimee paces about the house yelling “Dawg! Dawg! Dawwwg! Dawg! Dawwwg!”. This story line is boring, all the roomates are tired of it, and so am I. Vanity draggs her trunk out into the driveway and Aimee follows her. Van says she’s leaving, and Aimee reacts as I would.
Holla
Moving on.
Back from commercial, and the girls are glad that Vanity is gone. Nadia says “It’s less ignorance around. Less stupiddyness”. LOL. Less ignorance, huh? They get a note from Razorjaw telling them to settle into their new home, and they should work in pairs to get some household repairs done. They attempt to do these things, and all pretty much fail. It’s scripted and boring as hell.
We now meet Lauren. Why the fuck didn’t they just introduce all the girls at the beginning of the episode? This is really aggravating me. Anyway, Lauren calls herself a HBBQ- a Has Been Beauty Queen. How bout Hey Bitch Be Quiet? She grew up on a farm and has a shotgun for protection. Cut to her trying to maneuver the gun and almost shooting her own face off
Ya'll don't wanna mess with this Souther Baaaalle
It’s now later in the night and Jowels is wasted. She stumbles into the kitchen and discovers that her baked potato that she made/left on the table 4hrs ago.
- The 9th most trashed thing in the house
She then stumbles out to a porch swing where Nadia and Aimee are sitting, and asks about her potato. They say that she needs to go ask the girls who are cleaning up the kitchen cause they don’t know anything about it. Long story short, Lauren threw it out while cleaning, she apologizes to Jowels, agrees to make her a new one, but Jowels is still mad cause she’s trashed. Got it? We are treated to a clip of Jowels drunkenly eating a new potato.
This one's waaaay too easy, guys
Then the girls are making nice conversation by telling Nadia that she looks like Eva Longoria. She kind of does. Well, Eva longoria if she was an egg on stilts, anyway. Jowels slurrs something rude about Nadia, and Aimee calls her out for being a bitch. They exchange words. They have a sort of standoff, Jowels throws a plate at Aimee, and Aimee throws it back. This is Jowels’ face.
Someone put this one to bed, please
It’s time for their first weekly group session with Razorjaw. She announces that Vanity couldn’t take it so she left. No shit. I’m not sure if it’s the next morning, but Jowels is in the same clothes and still looks pretty drunk. Nadia begins to tell us that she will take advantage of her parents if she can.
Has NOT ONE of these bitches been to an orthodontist?
She will go out if her kid has a sitter, and will find a babysitter if she doesn’t have one and wants to go out. If she doesn’t get her way, she will pout. Jowels interjects that Nadia acts like a child. Pot calling the kettle what? Nadia starts crying, saying that her fiance left her, and she feels blessed by her daughter, but abandonded by her ex, and blah blah blah. Don’t cry for me Argentina, you already dug your grave in your bio, bitch. Jowels is also unimpressed and says “She has a kid. That really grosses me out”. That’s easy for you to say, Jowels. Your eggs are all fried.
Jowels gets a ‘tude with Razorjaw, Razorjaw reacts with something nice and productive, Jowels doesn’t get it, and insults Razorjaw back again, and she looks really stupid. I’m assuming this will happen repeatedly throughout the season. Razorjaw ends the meeting by saying that they will be getting a new roomie since Vanity left, and Jowels says that the newbie will be jealous of her. Alrighty. Cue montage of the upcoming season, and it looks juicy. A few tears, and a few physical fights, you know the drill.
So, what did you guys think? Jowels got most of the airtime, because she’s by far the worst. I give Aimee, and Lauren a thumbs up. The rest a thumbs down. Feedback? Let me know whatcha thought!
TV Social
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22 Comments
wow! jowels looks like she is about 48, you have to be kidding me.
Jowels is the mutant amalgam of drunk Lisa from ANTM & Celebrity Rehab and Jillian Michaels….
It’s crazy…my friend attended Shakyra’s premiere party which had press coverage and e’erythang, only for her to leave within the first 15 minutes of episode one! How narcissistic is this bitch that she plans a whole party for people to watch her fail? Talk about not needing a reason to get dressed up…
Jowels is one rough looking bitch. She looks like she’s addicted to pills, wine, the sun, and has been on the occasional coke binge or two. I was surprised she was eating carbs, tho because she looks like an extreme dieter. Then again, it probably came back up with the wine later on.
@Sarcas, It may have not been so much about watching her fail. The theme, in her mind anyway, may have been “Watch me walk away from this stupid show”..beside’s, any reason for a good party..
Robin
Great job tmurda!!
Ha! Loved the recap! These people are all nuts. Jowels looks TERRIBLE. Plastic surgery did her no favors. Imagine how bad she’s going to look in 30 years…
@Robin: I agree. Shakyra was devastated when she found out she wasn’t going to be put up in a fabulous Bad Girls Club-esque mansion and was told she had to clean toilet seats. Although, let’s be real…homegirl wasn’t introduced to the high life until her ‘producer’ boyfriend bought her a few items with limited credit. (He probably has the Kardashian card). Chances are, Shakyra grew up rather poor and is no stranger to hard work. Unfortunately for her, a few blow jobs in the back room of a homemade music studio is enough to make a girl feel entitled. Now, she’s too good for frozen ground chuck! Bitch betta recognize! I can make a killer spaghetti sauce with dat shit! I pride myself on my resourcefulness…and the fact that my knees will never be dirty.
If these women spend so much money on designer everything like they say, why they look so cheap? I can get a killer outfit for dollars on Goodwill. shesh
sarcasatire- I couldn’t have said it better myself. You hit the nail on the head. You just made my whole morning with that one. I’m assuming you’ve met one or two “Shakyras” before. I might feel bad for her if I didn’t already hate her so much.
Was it just me, or is Nadia’s face seriously lopsided? I kept tilting my head to even her out whenever she was on screen. I definitely think Aimee will be my favorite, if only for the fact that I’m pretty sure she’s the one who takes a croquet mallet to someone in a later episode.
I kinda liked the big girl too. The back-and-forth between her and her trainer was hilarious. She also seemed to live in a pretty normal house. I love this show. It makes me proud of my studio apartment and homemade turkey burgers.
@suedisco Nadia’s face is lopsided.As for Shakyra the ghetto is what makes up Brooklyn. I bet that house is alot nicer than her Mommy house where she used to live before she shacked up with her boyfriend. He probably sented the bitch on the show to try to get some promation for whatever he does.
I just caught the last 10 minutes of the first episode. What a bunch of busted faces! And the “this season on…” looks INCREDIBLE. I’m setting up a series recording on the ol’ DVR, and I’m comin’ back to read all the recaps. YAY!
@Sarcas, We agreed about something. I think I hear the choir singing.. heh..
Robin
LOL…is that what that was? I thought I heard something, but I confused it with the voices in my head..
Awww, Tmurda, thanks! Yes..I’ve met quite a few “Shakyras” in my day, especially when I used to do wardrobe for hip-hop music videos. You know the type..’chickenhead on the come-up’, who is sleeping with the director for a spot in his music videos. All of a sudden, she thinks she can dictate shit on set. “Oh, no..I do not like this outfit. Mr. Director is gonna have to come in here and pick out my look because I don’t like what you gave me, at all.” Of course, Mr. Director is not going to leave his post behind the camera to decide the wardrobe of a glorified extra. So what happens..I tell her that she either takes what I give her or she wears her own shit. *kanyeshrug* No skin off my back..my check is in the mail, regardless. Of course, she pouts and takes the clothes and minutes later, steps into a party scene where she has to writhe, wiggle, and make out with another extra, both of them drenched in sweat. And she thinks I’m the one making her look foolish?
She’s lucky I keep lotion in the trailer so her knees don’t get too ashy between takes. I’m considerate like that.
sarcasatire- ur my fave person right now. You see, normal people like you and I make money by doing something called WORK. We show up, and either provide a service, or produce a product, or both. Why is this concept lost on some people? I wanna say to them “let me get this straight- you have given up any dignity you had, you risk your health, your reputation, and the hard work of whatever parent(s) that attempted to raise you, and you must live the rest of your life dealing mentally with what choices you have made for a little money ( which most likely went right up your nose). Was it worth it? I’ll ask your children in 10yrs when its their turn to pay for what you chose to do. Oh me? Well, I went to school/training, learned how to do/make something, and that’s what I do every day, and I get paid to do it. Did I take a shortcut? No, I just value things that are real, and chose to earn knowlege instead of using what I have already by sacrificing it for what I am told is important.” I would love to sympathize with such ignorant females, but no amount of money is worth not being able to look yourself in the mirror. And these bitches be doin this shit for like $20, or even free.
Amen Tamitha! I am SO grateful for the blatent but good advice my grandmother gave me. Back when I was young and stupid she made sure I understood something: “Don’t ever depend on a man to take care of you because they can be gone in an instant. You always need to have a way to provide for yourself.” In her case, she was widowed 3 times. So when I wanted to be stupid and blow things off, she kept me focused on education. And I owe my lifestyle today to her wisdom.
Awww, Tamitha, thanks! Y’all sure know how to make a gal feel good! Especially when bitching out goldiggers..I love how we all share that common bond.
Yes, most of us were raised to work for a living and not be codependent (HOdependent?) on a man to provide our lifestyle, while we obliged him bjs and bumseks whenever he fancied. I’d rather cover half of the bills and feign a headache whenever he reached for me. I get the upper hand that way. Just kidding!
But yes..in my line of work, I meet a lot of women willing to spread for a spread. Too bad there are so many other women vying for position. Competition is fierce. It’s hard to remain on top when the only requirement is T&A. You’d be surprised by how many people are walking around with both.
Ah. I’m so glad there are women out there like you ladies still. I am a paramedic, it is a thankless job for minimal pay, which I happen to love. I may have to bargain shop and get the generic cereal, but I go to sleep at night knowing my worth to people, and the fact that I have a purpose. One thing that my father taught me (which I wish I had really lived by earier on) is that no one will take care of but yourself. You can not rely on any one else to have your best interest at heart, and refrain from putting yourself in danger. I learned how true that was because I trusted other people too much, and ended up having to get myself to a safe place in my life. Anyway, I’m getting waaay to deep into this. But woman get into such horrible situations because they think money makes you important, so they will get as close to someone famous at all costs. They begin their “career” thinkin they are gonna be fucking Karrine Stephens, but before too long they are in the back of a limo on set giving head to a rapper in the hopes of getting closer to a certain lifestyle, then they are dismissed out of the limo while realizing the guy never even asked her name.
What a fantastic recap!! I will not watch this show….(unless we get the same snow we did last year -I’m in Northern VA- and I have caught up on everything on my DVR and the internet)….but this recap ensures that I will keep reading!! Thanks!!
So I haven’t read the recap yet. I just finished the show and had to say that I’ve been to Nadia’s family’s busted “Number #1 salon” in Houston. I thought that was HILARIOUS when I heard that! It’s a FRANCHISE and they botched one of my pedicures when I went in there once. They WISH it was #1. The only reason I even went in there was because my regular salon was booked and I didn’t want to wait for an opening. Lesson learned. I’m sure they got their money some other way.
Nadia looks like the result of Eva Longoria having an affair with a cave-man.
Jowels makes me wince every time I look at her. I can’t control it.
So far I really like Aimee, and that ex-beauty queen. She just seems too sweet and nice to be on a trashy (i.e. wonderful) show like this.