Event Recap: Battlestar Galactica Gives Back

Last week, the Sci-Fi channel threw a Battlestar Galactica Gives Back party in Hollywood. Unlike another show this season which I won’t mention (if I have to hear “This is My Now” one more time I’m stepping on a baby. I’ll do it!), we weren’t pressured into helping needy children or forced to think about malaria or AIDS and no one was asked to actually pony up any cash to better humanity. No Katrina families were saved at this Gives Back event, but for one magical night, a lot of geeky ass weirdos felt cool at a big Hollywood party, and for that I give thanks. It’s the first night I haven’t felt like the bearded lady since I moved here. Drop your inhibitions at the door and come with! No reason to feel insecure, we’re totally the hottest people here! This is Battlestar Galactica Gives Back!
5:45 I arrive with a camera and a bad attitude. I’m pissy cuz driving SUCKS in Hollywood and the cocktail party isn’t til’ after the screening and a Q&A with the cast. I consider going on a beer run, but I force myself out of the car and chew on a piece of Orbit Sweet Mint instead. As I make my way down to the Plaza level of the Arclight, I wonder if I’m an alcoholic or if I suffer from severe social anxiety disorder. Or both.

5:50 Madeyoulaugh didn’t put my friend Forrest’s name on the list. BASTARD! He totally swore up and down that he had. I tell them to look for his name (Saul) and still nothing. There, on the last page, is Paul from TVgasm. Ah, I just cussed out Saul in my head unfairly. Poor guy. I hope he didn’t get a headache. I’ve been practicing long distance pain infliction. I haven’t practiced taking it back.

5:57 Is it rude to smoke in line? I light up and get dirty looks from 200 people, so I throw my fag on the street. Sorry. No drinking, no smoking. I look around for an imaginary husband to adopt Latvian babies with to occupy my time. Found him! I pull out my camera and take his picture. I act like I’m interested in the Jack in the Crack across the street, but he obviously knows I’m shooting him, and he’s not happy. I wouldn’t be either. It’s Summer. Take off the suit for chrissakes.

6:05 Forrest is here! She’s workin’ it, too. It amazes me that women wear heels that high and can still smile like they mean it. My camera batteries are dead. Thank God she’s got hers ready.

Free shirts that say “Get Fracked” are being passed around and we act like we’re too good for them. Sure we love the show, but we’re cool. We talk about how we’re starving and then we talk about how fat we feel. And then we see this skinny bitch and decide to throw her down the first flight of stairs we come across. Love the Forrest.

We have marked this poor girl for a painful fall.

6:10 Ah, the Arclight Cinerama Dome. It’s huge, it’s plush, and it’s fourteen smacks to get in to see a movie. When you have a job, you feel better than the poor slobs sitting in a matinee at the $3 theater full of screaming kids and crazy people talking back to the screen, but when you’re unemployed (uh…me) and can’t afford to get in, you resent the fact that you know there are people paying more to avoid losers like you at the ghetto cinema. It’s the circle of life. And it sucks.

We find nice plush seats front-ish and center, and guess who’s behind us? My husband!! I take this as flirting and don’t let myself consider that he would want to sit front-ish and center for any other reason than to love me. It’s sick, but I am in a much better mood than I was fifteen minutes ago. Forrest talks about some friend she has that loved BSG as much as she did, and how they don’t talk any more because she is too gorgeous and talented. And then guess who walks in? THE GUY. I asked how he got tickets and she shrugs and rolls her eyes. “He writes for some blog. Can you imagine?” Like what a LOSER. I ask for a piece of gum and change the subject.

6:20 Forrest’s guy has noticed her but is trying to pretend that he hasn’t. He leans suavely in his seat and acts like he’s doing a confessional for The Bachelor. Ugh. Boys are so dumb. Edward James Olmos comes in and the crowd goes nuts. He shakes hands and kisses babies before taking a seat a couple rows behind us. We are still feeling too cool (sober) to act like the geeky fans we are, so instead of asking him for a picture, we act like we are trying to take a picture of ourselves while aiming back a couple of rows. Didn’t work, but we annoyed the Hell out of my husband’s friends.

That’s totally Adama.

6:25 Speaking of annoyance, some family shows up and decides to sit next to us. Fine, it’s a public place, but seriously, go to the bathroom before you sit down. They keep getting up one by one to pass us to pee and they are a corn fed, Midwestern bunch. They step on us every time they wanna get up, and Forrest tells me to calm down. I’m wearing my Cruella DeVille face. Fine, but seriously. Families have a lot of nerve. They try to turn away as they notice me pointing my camera in their faces. I want their mugs on disc just in case I have to get a toe stint later.

Hey, anybody wanna go tinkle?

6:29 Mark Sheppard, who plays ethically questionable lawyer Romo Lampkin, enters. The audience goes crazy. Forrest and I check to see if EJO is jealous, but he seems to be staring at some lady eating popcorn. Feed Edward! He’s hungry! There are about fifteen fans who made signs that say “More Romo!”, but they aren’t the big glittery signs like on American Idol. These are just plain type xeroxed sheets of white copy paper that someone made at the office and brought to pass around. Forrest and I make fun of them, but we are both plainly jealous that we’d never thought of that. So simple! Forrest snaps Romo’s picture as he passes and an ArcLight “security” guy runs up to us and tells us we have to delete the picture. We both have a fit, and the guy’s sweaty and nervous. Forrest rolls her eyes and “what. Ever”‘s him, but he stands his ground. Forrest pushes the arrow keys around on her camera blindly and he goes away.

Suckas!!

We laugh about the lame-o ArcLight security douche, but the camera is put away for now. I’m waiting for Helo to pull out the big guns. Please say Helo’s gonna be here!

6:40 Time for the show! We watch last year’s season finale on the ginormous screen in HD. It looks amazing, and the audience cheers and talks back to the screen like they’re at home. The best audience member is Edward James Olmos. He just loves it. He applauds, oohs and ahs, and laughs at Col. Tigh every time he comes on screen. Aw! They’re BFF for real! Forrest and I have put our bitch ass attitudes away for the screening and both LOVE IT!!! And let me just say, if Starbuck’s not a Cylon, I call BS. We saw her get blown up for cryin’ out!

7:30 The screening ends and the moderator for the panel is introduced. It’s Lucy Motherf**kin Lawless!!!! I scream and yell like I’m on Bingo Night and my husband looks extremely grossed out by me. Forrest just puts her head in her hands. Lucy is dressed like she’s about to accept an Oscar, and me thinks she’s downed a couple cocktails. I watched her as Xena for years and even named my dog after her. LOVE. I wish I had known she was gonna be here because I would have worn my Xena shirt. Yes, I have one. She introduces the cast and I giggle crazily for no reason. Forrest is now completely mortified.

Mary McDonnel is tiny and skinny as all Hell. Her wig is so big that I am afraid she’s gonna topple over. The woman is an incredible actress and looks beautiful.
She sits next to EJO, who is also tiny. Then, Jaimie Bamber and Katee Sackhoff enter. They both look way prettier and girlier than they do on the show, and Bamber’s teeny tiny. Little people are taking all the work in this town. I’m expecting this room to have some serious questions, and Ron Moore and David Eick, the executive producers and creators, are here to pretend they’re giving us answers while not telling us anything. They’re both charming and witty. Moore’s the fun goofy one and Eick’s the tightass writer-y one. Cute couple.

First things first. BSG was cancelled. What the frak, guys? No one even pretends to not be pissed about it. There was no “Well, it’s time to bring the story to an end,” or “This is how we planned it all along.” Only honesty here. Eick says flatly, “It sucks.” There weren’t enough viewers. Period. Mary McDonnell says that their audience was smart enough to download the eps without commercials, so they never showed up on the Nieslens. Edward James Olmos said something about Latinos not being counted in the Nielsens. (At the time I thought that was a crazy and random thing to say, but upon further investigation, Nielsen rules on Hispanic households are shady, because they go on the assumption that Hispanic households only watch Spanish TV. LAME.)

EJO talks about first reading the script, which Eick had written a prologue to, explaining where he wanted the show to go and what it all meant. Olmos was immediately hooked, even though his friends made fun of him for being on a cheesy show. Had he learned nothing from Miami Vice? He ignored them, thank Gods. He went on about how no one will understand the impact of this show until twenty years down the line, when they can see all the parallels to history. Uh, nope. We can see ‘em pretty clearly now, thanks. He talks and talks and talks and talks and….Mary and Katee roll their eyes at each other like he does this all the time. Cute.

Mary says that the set has been very different since they found out they were cancelled. She says she is talking to everyone she sees. People she didn’t even know she worked with! Lesson? Unemployment makes you much nicer.

Since it’s apparent that Jaimie and Katee aren’t going to say anything ever, Lucy asks them what it’s like for the younger actors on the set. Mary fluffs her weave and starts to answer. LOL, McDonnell! The audience kinda cheer/boos Lucy for being so tasteless, and I am again giggling like a crazy person.

Jaimie Bamber answers first. British accent! I had no idea! This guy is hilarious. He says all he ever does is bitch and moan. Who the hell wants to move to America to work on some cable show for god knows how long? He’s cute, well groomed, and snotty. I turned around and gave my husband a dirty look. We are sooo over. As if sensing that Americans might not get that he was only playing around, Bamber switched into some kind of acceptance speech, thanking everyone on set but the lunch lady. Poor lunch lady! He tells us the show is the best thing that’s happened to him and his greatest fear was to be called short. Woops, cut short. Ah, a man who can poke fun at himself. HEART, little dude.

Lucy asks Katee how she reacted when she first found out Starbuck was being killed off. She says like, she was like so scared because she thought it was like for real! She called the producers crying day and night and lost her shit. They got sick of replacing the tires she’d been slashing and finally told her that she would be coming back to life in the season finale but she better keep quiet about it. The cast got her a cake on her last day and she even brought her mom to the set for support. Eick said that she made the whole thing too real and he was getting angry calls from the network. Katee says “You know I’m an over-dramatic actress! You told me to sell it!” Atta girl. All four of these cast members are nice, down to Earth and funny. It makes me wanna re-watch the whole series again.

Lucy, bored, wants to talk about sex. Her first day on set, she worked with Jaimie, who was only in a towel that morning. She said he looked like he had a boner. LOL, Lucy! She asks “Did you have a rubber band around it? Mazel tov!” Then she asks if Adama is ever gonna get laid. He tells her to ask Rosalyn. Lucy says she personally loved when Lee was gettin’ some in the Black Market and stops herself. “It’s not about me!” Who says? Don’t stop!!

What better topic to follow sex than religion. Eick says that the religious aspect of the show came from a network note. Kudos, Sci Fi! That’s pretty deep for a network. The simple note said “God is Love.” Lucy points out that John McCain says the same thing. Everyone looks at her like she’s insane and Forrest punches my knee. Giggling again. Lucy asks Eick and Moore if they’ve had a plan since the beginning for the ending of the show, or if they’re just making it up as they go along. Eick says “We’re going to Earth! We’ve said it from the beginning!” Moore retorts “We also said the Cylons have a plan.” Hey! The Cylons don’t have a plan? What the hell? Eick explains that they come up with a basic “spine” for the show and then hand that over to the writers while he and Moore go out drinking. They come back, listen to what the writers have come up with, and then drink more. Lucy plays with her earring. “That’s some pretty progressive show running.” HAHAHAA.

Eick continues. When they first decided to do a space opera…Lucy interrupts. “I like that phrase! Space opera. Did you coin that?” Awkward crickets from everyone in the room as we try to figure out if she really means it. Mary McD puts her head in her hands. Oh, Lucy.

Lucy, feeling the pressure, changes subjects. Where’d the music come from? EJO answers this one. He had a very strong idea about the music as he read the first script. His idea. He also had a very strong idea about the look. “It should look like Blade Runner!” He explains that Blade Runner was supposed to be more than just one movie, but Harrison Ford killed it. Lucy scrunches her face and asks him if he just openly dissed Harrison Ford in front of the press. He says that Harrison was just coming off of some of the biggest movies of all time (Star Wars, Indiana Jones) and that audiences didn’t want to watch him sit around and be pensive, so the movie bombed. That had bugged Olmos for years, and he felt the look of that film was so brilliant it deserved a chance to be used in something that didn’t flop. He looks the audience in our eyes and promises us “You will never see another show like this in your lifetime.” Wow, so Olmos wears the pants around that set. Got it.

7:47 Time for audience question and answer. A cute girl asks “What do the actors want to happen to their characters?” Mary McD says she just doesn’t want to be killed off. LOL. She also wouldn’t mind if Rosalyn aquired a drinking problem. EJO would like to see Adama get laid.

Where’d the idea for using the song “All Along the Watchtower” as a major plot device come from? This is a great question, because people have been pissy all over the internets that this was the song used to bring the four Cylons together at the end of last season. Eick says that he’s always loved that song and wanted to use it as the theme for the show. What he didn’t say was that Edward James Olmos wouldn’t let him. Eick refused to drop the idea and tried to get it into episodes a few times, but was always talked out of it. When they decided to use music as the key that triggered the Cylons, he jumped up. Sure, it could be argued that that song is from Earth many many years ago, but he sticks to his guns. It’s all happened before, it will all happen again. Listen to the song, people!

A sarcastic chunky guy asks how Lee Adama went from being a fat ass to a cut model body in less than a week. LOL, sarcastic chunky guy. Jaimie answers “purging”. HAH. Everyone laughs, but I know the sarcastic chunky guy’s totally gonna go home and make himself puke. Nice work, Bamber.

Someone congrats EJO on winning an ALMA award for best actor. McD didn’t know he got an award. Oh, EJO, you’re so humble, not telling your friends about your award! Bamber asks “Did I get one?” EJO answers that he can’t get one because he’s not Latino. “But I’m your son!” Good point, kid.

A big ole’ lesbian says “Starbuck, you’re hot!” Katee smiles big and says thank you. She’s obviously been hit on by lesbians for five years now and is used to it. Atta girl.

An odd puppy stands up and says how grateful he is for BSG. It’s just so….five minutes pass. My notes say SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP.

The lesbian pushes him out of the way and asks if Lucy will be back for the final season. She answers she will come back if they pay her enough. LOL.

A chick in an Ugly Betty poncho gives us all a monologue about how BSG is like an acting class for her. You’re so deep in your poncho. Shut up and sit down, dumbass. After what seems like an eternity, she finally gets to her question. “What gives you the strength as actors to make the choices you make?”

McD looks around at the confused, speechless panel and gives it a shot. She says that it was hard for her to accept that her character endorsed genocide but she tapped into her feelings and played it how she felt it. Wow, kudos McD. That was a perfect bs answer to a bs question. Well played.

A guy with pink hair asks if there will be a movie. Eick says no and Moore interrupts. Eick is getting residuals and wants nothing more to do with the show. Ha. There will, however, be a series called Caprica which will tell a bunch of back stories. Sweet!

It’s getting late, and EJO looks like a sleeping Big Bird. A leather daddy says that now that the show’s almost done, he would appreciate it if the writers would stop wasting his time with filler episodes. Uuuh, good luck with that. Do you have a question, a hole?

A tall skinny dude with a socio politica degree from UCLA (thanks for the backround, douche) wants to know what books Moore and Eick read. Moore says he bought Eick a Thomas Jefferson biography for Christmas and he only got to page 7. They stick to US Weekly and InStyle. I am loving these guys.

A very concerned woman makes her way to the audience mic. Where did Bulldog go? Eick says that Bulldog was a mistake so they dumped him and moved on. Where’s Boxy? He’s a male prostitute. Where’s Chuck? Eick tells her to just let it go. LOL. Mary McD is giggling and EJO gives her a questioning look. She admits to getting a contact high. So they were smokin’ up before the panel? PLEASE DON’T CANCEL THIS SHOW!!!

A sweet little Asian girl with ginormous fake boobies is next. “I ask…am ask..make ask question for friend. My friend.” Lucy and McD look at each other like “Here we go!” “I want…she want know. You make happy end?” There is silence on the panel and Lucy plays with her earring. Eick says “Satisfaction is no satisfaction.” The girl smiles and nods like he’s still talking and then wanders back to her seat. Lucy feels bad, so she says “Don’t worry. There’ll be balloons when they get to Earth.”

A tiny gay guy with a huge attitude takes the mic. “Will you ever introduce gay sexuality to the show?” Wow, calm down, Militant Mike. Eick says that the next season will start out with a two parter called Razor and there will be a little homo action in it, and he also points out that Lucy had a three way with Baltar and Six, and she liked it.

What are their ideal next roles? Bamber says he’s gonna put his balls out on the table and say (Lucy compliments his hot balls. I seriously love Lucy Lawless) that there will never be another role that will be as important to him as this one. Katee agrees and says not even her Bionic Woman part is as good. HAH. McD says that her dream role is a Latina in Space. Everyone has a good laugh and thanks the audience. McD tells us “I have been doing this for a long time, and I have never come across fans quite like you people.” It was a very sweet diss, and I wore it like a warm blanket.

PARTY

8:45ish – the rest of the night. Turns out my first roommate ever (who I will call Kana so she doesn’t get fired) works for Sci Fi and was at the event!

My completley anony bff and first roomie Kana.

We hugged and laughed and loved. It was beautiful. Forrest was busy talking (flirting) with her ex friend…

Forrest works (it) hard.

…so I grabbed her camera and tried to avoid the security douche who tried to make me delete my last pics. I got as many as I could, and even one of Michael Logan from TV Guide! Kana was afraid I would embarrass her, but I told Michael I approve of ginormous shoulder pads on men, I read him all the time and love his work. He totally tells you what’s happening on Days without giving anything too important away.

Huge fan of your Days recaplets.

Kana was appalled that I still acted like a 16 year old, running up to celebrities and drunkenly insisting on getting their pics, but it was worth it.

This girl is beautiful, no?

Ah, McD. I loves ya.

Didn’t have the guts to approach Bamber. Pretty, witty British guys scare me. There. I said it!

Eick takes a moment to get notes from EJO’s poster.

This is right before I awkwardly tried to make out with Hot Dog.

I finally got the balls (alcohol buildup) to ask Lucy for her picture. I said “Lucy, I know you’ve had enough of this fan bullshit today, but please will you take a pic with me?” She kinda smiled. “I named my dog after you!” She looked like she was gonna punch me in the face, but she leaned back and got her picture took like the pro she is.

This pic is already my screensaver.

Security Douche made me put my camera away or “suffer the consequenses”, so I slammed down my fourth cosmo, hugged Kana, and took his picture before I ran my buzzed ass out of there.

I’m the law in this town, pardner.

On the way down the stairs, I grabbed two “Get Fracked” t-shirts out of a box and yelled “I LOVE YOU, LAWLESS!” I looked up to the balcony and saw her watching me run away like I was insane.