Hello, Gasmii!!! I’m Tmurda, and I have recapped You’re Cut Off! Season 2, and Saddle Ranch. Although I have never watched “Survivor” or “Amazing Race”, Flipit and I somehow figured it would be a fantabulous idea for me to recap this new Expedition Impossible show for ya. My first issue (of many to come), is with the title. An expedition that is impossible. Hmm….YAY FOR BEING SET UP TO FAIL!!! I love putting my blood, sweat, and tears into something that is impossible, how bout you? GOOD! Then without further ado, away we go!!!
Massive montage of people (contestants, I assume) falling off horses, wading through water, hiking through a sandstorm, losing balance while repelling followed by his/her body slamming into the side of a mountain (lol), and getting their asses kicked (literally) by a camel (LOL).
I can already tell this is gonna be my kind of show.
13 teams of 3 compete in “The most epic journey of their lives”. “Epic”, huh? I smell dialog overkill. Good. The grueling challenges include “racing across vast deserts, over snow-capped mountains, and through raging waters, in the beautifully exotic, fabled Kingdom of Morocco.” My country-ass doesn’t know what “fabled” means, nor do I care to look it up, so I’ll assume abc is realllllly over-dramatizing this shit.
Does that mean Morocco isn’t real? Cuz I feel lied to.
They tell us “each week, a new stage of the expedition will be revealed to the teams. “Will they crumble under the pressure of life in the wild, or find a way to work together to complete their incredible journey?” Oooooh, I REALLY hope that working as a team will actually be a major factor in this shit, cause A) That’s the recipe for maaaajor entertainment potential, and B) I hate to, but am good at working in a team, so it’s interesting to me to see the selfish, self-absorbed decay that IS society attempt functioning as actual human beings. Yipee!
What are they all competing for, you ask?! “After 10 legs of ‘stunning’ *groan* competition, only 1 team will cross the finish line to claim victory. Each team member will win $50,000 ($150,000 per team) *coughbeforetaxescough*, and a new Ford Explorer. Really? I dunno, ya’ll. I’m pretty content with my $80 weekly allowance and 2010 Nissan Sentra my parents hook me up with. I’ll sit my happy ass on this couch, in the AC, and watch ya’ll kill each other over the last sweat-rag, mmkay? But GOOD LUCK!!! Narrarator asks, “Which team will have the right blend of courage, teamwork, and character?” Hopefully none. I’m actually at a loss as I try to think of any person I even know of who possesses that trinity of virtue. Nope….just me! Especially the character part. People who exhibit good character=booooorrrrriiinnng!!!
Post-montage, the Teams arriving in the Sahara desert are “fiercely” guarded by “local warriors”. (aka-f-list actors in turbans.) Time for cast intro package. Unorganized, random, and scattered. An expected gift from editor-magic, sounding of pain in my recappin’ ass as I shake the box before replacing it back under the tree. Grrr….First up is Fab 3 from L.A. “Looks like mountains over there, but they’re sand dunes.” Observant doesn’t impress me. Team members include A.J., Carrie (AJ’s little sister), and Ryan (AJ’s ex BF). AJ informs us that he thinks the other teams will underestimate the Fab 3 cause “we’re dressed in teal. And we’re wearing headbands. (giggle giggle).” Or they might do so cause you think the fact that you are wearing teal headbands is amusing in some way. Either way-GUILTY!!! I totally underestimate the Fab 3.
A little pride goes a long way.
Next up are The Country Boys. Oh lord. I pray these ignorant tools don’t make it past this ep. Simply because I not only live in the south, I am in school (and future workforce) with a plethora of southern men who feel the need to reallly play up their “country-ness” for some reason, and it consumes my brain with RIDIC nonsense, rotting me from within daily. I didn’t catch their names, but one is a black dude who proclaims that the Sahara is “just lyke Mississippi, but with a lotta say-und”. Case. Point. I’m moving. Tomorrow. To. Maybe. Canada.
Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.
Third is “Latin Persuasion”, who tells us that they’ve never been to the desert, but they come from the “concrete jungle” (Bronx). I thought prison was “The concrete jungle”? Shows how cultured I am, eh? God! Growing up upper-middle class has debilitated me to such extremes. For example: I recently pointed out how interesting it is that women come together as a loving “family” when in cohabiting in prison (according to all the msnbc I watch) to this crazy bitch who’d apparently JUST BEEN RELEASED from prison. Whoops. She CLEARLY let me know how ignorant, naive, and personally infuriating my theory was to her. But she let me keep my teeth, and I didn’t like those pants anyway, so no worries. *flinchtwitchflinch*.
Three loud-mouthed, overly-pumped peeps from the Bronx?-Def at the top of the weak/pathetic list. Watch and see. “We don’t climb mountains, but we climb the stairs in the subway”. Awesome. Well, I could sing the shit out of Aretha Franklin’s “Natural Woman” along with the C.D. in my car with the volume on “MAX” after a 5 day/night speed binger while chain-smoking my voice to a range of raspy perfection. ON TO CONQUOR AMERICAN IDOL!!!!!! Whoop whoop! (jeez). See what I just did? Now doesn’t that sound dumb and NOT witty, Latin Persuasion? There ya go….thinky-before-speaky.
The ladies of Oz.
Team four. Football players. College, then played pro, and blah blah blaaaaahhhh……football references out the assssssssssssssssssss……………..soooooooooo………….typical. And boring. And unimpressive. And btw-I’ve never seen or heard of any of you douches. Teeheehee. Four down…waaaay too many to go.
Someone’s getting robbed. It must be dumb white chicks.
How cute! A horse! Let’s stop and talk to the man with a big gun! Just for a sec!
Five. Called Mom’s Army cause “we were in the army (daughters), and mom is with us, and we’re totally gonna kick butt”. A) You’ve got the lamest team name in history, and B) You just said “totally gonna kick butt”. So, just go home now. Please. Oh, but their strategy is “knock em off one at a time”. Hey, uh…3 people per team, girls. Strategy? Worse than your team name. Again-go on home.
And, I guess 6th time’s the charm, cause team No Limits is one I can not only root for, but the blind member of the group, Erik, is one of US, Gasmii!!! Why, you ask? Cause he talks MAD shit (we’ll get to it in a few). Plus, guess what?! He has actually climbed mountains before! More on this sure-to-be-getting-me-through-this-season-with-my-brains-still-in-my-skull team! Yipee!
I like you, blind dude! But you have a fly on your face.
Grandpa’s Warriors. Grandpa is 69, going on 70, and he says some shit bout the others thinkin he’s not tough, but “I’ll be in there with the rest of em”. He didn’t specify if he’d “be in there” with a pulse or not, but time will tell.
Early call for Most Bathroom Breaks award
The California Girls are, what?….8th team so far? FML. One of em says something bout how she wouldn’t wanna have her gramps on HER team to carry around as extra weight or whatever. I’d like to reflect that good ole’ gramps would most likely not care to be on your team either, forcing him to look at that gap in your toofers. And I’D rather not have you on this show to whatsoever for the remainder of your time here (most likely 3/4 in to this ep, if the Gods are so kind). In fact, I might just ignore this irrelevant team entirely, Gasmii. Hey, I write the cap, I make the rules. Well, Flipit makes the rules, but i’m certain he’d agree with that decision.
Legally Bland (Like)
Host introduces the “Brave Burbur Warriors” (I swear fo’ God that’s what he said). He says that they protect this land, but have given their blessing to let the contestants use it for this “adventure”. “Given their blessing” equivalent to “pounced on the gabillion dollars ABC offered them to film this bullshit in their space”. He gives a boring pep-talk, directing each person to look closely at his/her chosen teammates, and then ask themselves if they have chosen wisely. Well, Host of Stalling Perfection, they have arrived with their closest also-unemployed, no-life-havin’, daily-responsibilities avoiding buddy they could drag along, so sure. Why not. And spoiler-alert: Isn’t it a lil’ bit too late to second guess the shit anyway? They’re kinda-sorta IN THE DESERT at this point, man.
Shoulder shruggs all around. Including me. And F.Y.I.-I’d have my dad, and my ex by my side, fa sho. Dad’s the baddest and smartest mofo to ever walk the earth, and the ex is the most mentally stable, easy going individual I’ve ever known. So, that’d be more than enough to pick up my slack, since I don’t care to sweat, have zero stamina and/or ability to finish anything I start, distaste for reading a map, and non-existent pride or competitive edge. Sorry sister, you’re preggers, and you’ve severely softened up since your days of shoving me down stairs and pummeling my face in while i’m butt-ass naked (I still maintain that shit doesn’t count. Rematch, Hook-uh!…grr..). Hypothetical tangent. In actuality, If I was ever to subject myself to reality tv shame, I’d be the one-glass-of-wine-too-many sex-bomb on the Bachelorette who lasts 3-5 eps. Not that I’ve thought about it.
Rules as follows: 10 challenges. Last team to arrive at end-of-challenge check-point is out. Last team to cross finish line=winner. Simplicity. But for Christ’s sake!..Is the expedition possible or not? Hey, wouldn’t that be HILARIOUS if at the very end of the finale episode, the final team still standing was victoriously sprinting toward the finish line, only to be stopped just short, and given a surprise final challenge of….drumroll….CURING CANCER!!! Confused/distraught faces…..host gives a “wha-DUUUH!!! The show/competition is called Expedition IMPOSSIBLE!!! …pft…Morons..” Oh man, that would be all kinds of hysterical, and evil, and humiliating, and humbling, and fun, and satisfying (for us), and so many other things. New Tmurda Rule: Write recaps only during rainy days from now on. Rain=evil.
Hey fellas! Feel totes comfie with you here! Please don’t hurt me.
Challenge 1. Hike/climb sand dune. Once the two flags at the top/peak are reached, contestants must look to the west. Spot the “Camel Outpost” (hell yeah!), walk to it to receive further instructions. Simple enough. Of course, “Akbar” from the football-stooges team compares the sand dune to a football stadium. *sigh*. This will have to now be a drinking game, guys. For my sanity. Whenever a dude on this team references something football-related reguarding the challenge, turn it up, yo. Anyhoo, when a “warrior” shoots his gun, it’s go time. Gun goes off. Teams giggle and scatter. Chicks in red shirts automatically complain. Jeez. Either editor-wizard is holding off the remaining team intros till later, or my buffering-happy wireless skipped some shit. Anyone stressin it? Solution as follows: Brainstorm 13 painfully common stereotypes and the individuals associated with them. POOF! Instant Cast Bio List! Good job! Hey, if you can handle that, are a colossal asshole, and view the world through judgmentally snarky eyes, then you might just be a recappin’ star, my friend. Where were we?…
Blind guy points out how fucking humiliating it’d be to lose to a blind guy. He’s awesome. I wish I was disabled so I’d have a positive outlook on life and as a bonus, get away with talkin smack about myself without lookin’ like a pathetic, attention-seeking whiner….oops!..Dammit, Tmurda!!! Team “Stevie Wonder” is in 1st place, for now.
Sentimental filler bio segment time. Team Fab 3 boo-hoos bout not being accepted by their fam for their sexuality, blah we know blah. I am sensitive to that situation, but there’s no time to care about them as people. Team Firemen are wheezing, sweating, and dragging major ass already. Note to self: Stop leaving my iron, coffee-pot, and flat iron on. I don’t wanna die!
We meet Team Gypsies. They have creepy mustaches, tell us they’ve been training, and I don’t care. At. All. They have, however, managed to arrive at the first checkpoint in the lead. They read the further directions, which begin with them selecting three camels to take them to the next checkpoint (a palm tree). Camels are a nightmare, apparently, and just now reached ratings gold in my one-bed/one-bath, that’s for DAMN sure.
These animals kick, spit, bite, screech, buck, ignore all human commands, and are basically the epitome of uncooperative. My new favorite animal. Montage of each team reading the same directions, and getting made total fools of by excessive camel abuse. The more frustrated the peeps get, the more the camels grunt/yell like “FUCK YOOOOOUUU!!!” LOLOLOL. Team Redshirts kills my buzz by finally reaching the top of the dune with just enough energy to still be complaining. Shut up and get your face eaten off by a Camel, please.
May I please be assigned to recap nothing but scenes/vids of camels terrorizing humans? I’ll love ya fa eva!
This asshole needs to be on every show on TV.
In a sudden twist of events, the Country Boy team is not only struggling significantly, but Ole’ Bubba Gump has stopped to rest with his ass in the sand. Just like Mississippi, huh? YeeHaw, giddy-up, now! Not so much? He contemplates tapping out, and only makes it back to his feet after other teams literally step over him, then death threats from a teammate if he pussies out. Meanwhile, Team Bronxknockers take out their camel frustration on each other, the word “respect” is shouted, and that’s my cue to FF.
Challenge 2. Collect 1 jug of water, by getting it “the local way”. I don’t consider this a difficult code to crack, but it is for these jokers. 10th string NFL star wonders aloud if they are supposed to cut open the camel’s hump and get the water from there. Great idea, O.J. You do that. The dreams you never achieved in football of being a star might finally be realized on youtube, when the universe watches you gets your trachea snapped out of your throat by that pleasant animal before you.
No one can figure out how to obtain the water. My common sense would have me faking heat stroke in the sand, forcing the producers to hook me up with that H2o. T.V. show, people.
Strategy, chmategy. Common sense saves you mucho energy.
Point being, we’re 1 and a half challenges in, and the majority of these fame-chasing deadbeats are already over it. I don’t blame em. I can barely make it through the 8 foot-long journey from my towel to the frozen daiquiri hut through sand, without swearing off the beach for the rest of time. 50 G’s can suck it, no lie. I’m sadly cursed without the love for money/financial stability that normal people utilize when planning the course of his/her life. These people we’re watching here, who are moaning and groaning, losing all determination by the minute, were cursed as well. “Fuck it, ya’ll. Copter my sweaty-ass back to the room so I can get a nap. I’ll just return to the daily grind of workin’ a thankless job helping others for an insulting paycheck, and drown such regrets in substance abuse and promiscuity”. NVM.
Where were we, again? Oh yeah, very slowly, the teams reach a moment of clarity, figuring out that the only water they can access is in the ground. I’m pretty sure I learned this in 1st or 2nd grade science, but it IS 107degrees where they are, so I’m giving them a pass, due to delusion. Dig, Motherfuckers! Diiiig!!! Heavy breathing all around, interview clips expressing how hard this shit is to us at home. Yup. That’s why we’re watching, Suck-ah. Especially you, A.J. You are wearing a knit cap. In the desert.
Please tell me that’s not a thermal undershirt.
As the digging is underway, Akban IVs how stupid that is, joking “I mean, we’re in the desert. You think you’re gonna find water underneath the sand?” Listen up, Bo Jackson Fan Club President, don’t you have a camel’s hump to cut open? Let me know how that goes. (eyeroll). The other teams join in on the digging, and before ya know it, voila! They’ve all managed to have basically dug themselves a well in the ground! Awesome, people! Aside from the football roidheads. They discreetly squeeze through the group and collect their jug of water from a well they didn’t contribute to. TYPICAL. Oh, and get this shit, ya’ll. These cast members who’r enduring considerable obstacles in scalding temperatures to obtain said water, must now (as instructed in directions) GIVE THAT WATER TO THE CAMELS!!! Oh that’s just mean, ABC. Cut to Camel loungin’ in the sand, devouring its gifted water with satisfaction in its eyes. Mean, but brilliant. Well played, my abc friends. Well played.
Challenge 3. Something bout “get through the rocky terrain to such-and-such mountain”.zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz……….Quick recap in the recap. Players have had to hike, endure camel abuse, reference their 6yr old scientific logic, dig, and now hike some more. Not quite what I’d label as “epic”, but way more than, for example, the “Bad Girls Club” does in an ENTIRE season. Then again, the “Bad Girls” return to real life with multiple addictions, and minus dignity, respect, and self-worth. Oxygen should throw those trainwrecks a Ford Explorer, donchyathink? Naaaaah. Moving on.
Cut to Concrete Jungle hoes waaaaay behind the non-pathetic peeps, not acting as if they care one single bit. Simultaneously nagging, and bitching at one another, as they take their sweet time. Mom’s Army is pleased by this. I guess they consider this “kicking some butt.” I call it “default”. Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe.
Subway isn’t coming I don’t think.
Cut to clip of Country Boys breezing through the water task (due to using another teams pre-dug hole), stating/agreeing “See, get us out of the high altitude, and we’re fine.” L.O.L. Uh huh. Un. Real. Men are soooooo predictable and obvious. I’m so glad that I have a vagina. Individuals born with a penis are cursed with a gigantic capacity to rationalize any and everything that even has the potential to threaten that ego. Not to worry, boys. We’ll (females) ignore it and refrain from calling you out at the moment. It just goes on tap in our brain till the day you decide to take an argument a tiny bit too far than what’s appropriate/necessary. SURPRISE!!! We remember that milli-second of insecurity you tried to play off, and guess what, Playa? Here ya go, back in ya face, times 10, right where it hurts, CUT. YOU. DOWN. Ultimate insult sneak-attack. Rule #1 Men:Women remember everything, whether we acknowledge it at the time or not. We are evil, so watch your mouth. Wow. Iv’e just officially diagnosed myself with obsessive-peer-diagnosing-disorder. Add “self” following “peer”, and I have completely forgotten what I’m writing for/about.
So strong! Until you mess with me, then we talk tiny peen.
Oh, yup yup yup. Challenge= they ultimately have to make it to the top of this mountain, which is an ACTUAL mountain. No hikey-hikey, let’s CLIMBY-CLIMBY. I’ve seen the movie “Vertical Limit” (great flick) one too many times to conceive of even attempting this challenge, but let’s see how these shmucks do. I must admit, they’re not doing too bad so far. Most of em anyway.
Editor Harassment ensues with these regular check-ins featuring the “Latina Stairmasters” arguing their way STILL through challenge two. It’s very played-up, predictable, mind-numbingly boring, and finally brought to an end by a truce of sorts. I think. I used this scene as a check-my-facebook op, and I’m glad.
Now, at this point in the challenge sequence, the teams have managed to split off into teams of teams. This is gonna be confusing as shit, but stay with me, folks. Team Team #1 (in the lead)= Team Fab 3, Gypsies, Football Tools, and No Limit Soldiers. WAKE UP,DRUNKY-MONKEYS! Akbar football reference #3 or 4 (something bout “push through it!”), DRINK PEOPLE!!! Team Team#2-Fishermen, The Cops, Team Kansas (top-whiners), NY Firemen, and California Haggleteeth. Team Team#3 (team LOOZAH)-Mom’s Army, Country Boys, G’Pa’s Warriors, and Latin Turd-Nation.
Cast members expressing thoughts and concerns as they climb. One of the guys on Team Fab3 makes sure to point out that “Expedition Impossible is out of control. (as is my greezy-in-the-front/burlap-in-the-back hair sitch I’m sportin’ today).” The minute-by-minute change of terrain is his main challenge. I wonder what exactly this young man was expecting to endure upon his participation on this show? Hmmm….Akbon is painfully short of breath, mumbling words s/a “Climb is……..kicking…..mybutt…..so…many….looose rocks….”, and FRANKLY, getting far too much airtime.
Finally at the top (aka next checkpoint), the directions provided explain that the contestants must now repel BACK down the thirty-story mountain they just fought their way to the top of. Haha. That’s soooo effed up! I’m really diggin’ the subtle psychological bitch-slapping this “adventure” has peppered into it. Once to the bottom, they must travel some “riverbed” to ANOTHER checkpoint! Holy shit, dude. All of this in one day. I hate to say it, but I officially declare myself impressed. The producers weren’t playin around when they created/conceptualized the itinerary for this show.
Yeah….that subway’s not coming.
Team Fab 3 is still in good spirits with smiles on their faces, and I seriously hate when I’m wrong about something s/a this team’s abilities. Grrr…..you tricked me with your bone-head opening intro, you sneaky bastards. So, now it’s time to rewind these people’s psyche’s back down to the mountain base, where they just came from. The descent ‘o’ shame/defeat is over in the blink of an eye. Aside from Akbod’s religiously consistent excuse explanation cameo, this time, distinguishing his fear of “heights” from a fear of “going backwards downward”, with an added “I’ve never done anything like this before”. Take a number, ya Roster-Filler-NEWSFLASH: that’s the entire point, Fool. I’ve decided that vocalizing anything intelligent, relevant, or important whatsoever is this Assclown’s individual “Expedition Impossible”. He just isn’t aware of it, I assume. Shocker of the century-he struggles, takes forever, and basically narrates every move he makes to himself till we’re blessed with a scene change. Sidenote: My man Erik glides ever-so-effortlessly down the 30 stories, because remember-the blind man came prepared.
Sometimes it’s better to not see.
Once at the bottom, the contestants must observe a traditional Moroccan snake-charmer routine, carefully count the number of snakes involved/featured, then choose from a selection of wooden boxes, the specific box with the number of snakes they counted, printed on the outside of said box. Thats the entirety of the explanation we’re given. I don’t quite get it, but let’s roll with it. And fyi-the teams who guess the correct number of snakes will then continue on to a 5 MILE leg through rough/rocky terrein, arriving FINALLY to the finish line. BUT….if they guess wrong, they will be sent 30mins off course, only to arrive at a “wrong way” sign (possibly costing them the race, duh). Excuse me…BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is my new favorite show.
My blind baby-daddy cracks his “I’ll be leading this challenge, guys” joke, with STELLAR timing and that sarcasm that goes straight to my heart. *blush*. Quick sequence of teams guessing snake count. Some say 11, some say 12. I can’t keep track of which team said what, who’s write or wrong, or which direction each team is sent in, so i’ll just tell ya who ended up where, and any associated reaction entertaining enough to mention, mmkay?
Dammit, man. I got ahead of myself, forgetting all about the weak-ass #2 and #3 Team Teams, who are basically crawling their way through the previous challenges we got bored with 20+mins ago. Team Mom’s Army cry, council, analyze, and fill up airtime with exactly the fail-tastic bullshit we knew they’d pollute the real deal with in the first place. GO HOME, YOU PATHETIC WEAK SAUCE!!!
Team Hellen Keller-WRONG WAY!!! Noooooo! Sad! Gypsies (aka Chester-the-Molester-Staches) guessed correctly, and are the official winners of Challenge Shitstorm Numero Uno. Boooooo…..
Fab 3 take the 2nd place spot, which IS pretty fab, with the exception of Ryan’s tears. Save the breakdown for the 50 G’s and Soccer Mom Ride, Dude. Football Nobodys-3rd place. Akbar talking out of his ass, making about 4 or 5 football references in a row (meaning, chug the remainder of your beverage at this time), one in particular stating that this competition is much tougher than football. Agreed, for once. I’d imagine that riding the bench is slightly less involved than pushing your entire being to a brutal limit for an entire day. This nut-job ended his irritating statement collection with something at least somewhat accurate. Thanks, Bootleg Reggie Bush, you can disappear into a Kardashian now.
Next challenge: Guess how many teeth this dude has
Fishermen, Kansas Girls, and Country Boys are all gathering at the Wrong Way sign/point. They all make it back to the snake-circus, and count correctly this time, head in the right direction, and I still don’t understand that challenge, but It’s not super-important at this point. And for God’s sake, the Latin Alienation Invasion is still sucking ass, talking too much, and pretending they are even still in the contest at all. Seriously, Chicas. Stop embarrassing yourselves, your families, and the Jungle ‘o’ Concrete you are representing. I refuse to believe that they are unaware of how far behind they are. Grandpa’s Posse is even further behind, but imma leave them alone cause I love old people.
All the other slow-pokes inch their way across the finish line, and they are soooo pointless and hopeless as any valid part of this show. Therefore, I’m not gonna pay attention to the ranking of these groups, cause a loser is a loser. If ya didn’t even come close, you’re a thing of the past. FYI- It’s well into nightfall by this time, if that’s any indicator of the inadequacy displayed here. I think someone puked, too. No, it wasn’t me. Yet. Latin Looser Lips officially finish last, no one is surprised, and no one will notice. They outro something about “feeling accomplished”, and I’m gonna assume that “feeling” translates into a form of humiliation, regret, and monstrous denial.
We close with the remaining 12 teams standing together waving, as the Latin Leeches are taken away via copter. This tender, pointless, inevitable farewell is suddenly happening in the daylight hours, and I’m so pleased with the fact that I get to recap a decent/tolerable show this time, that I don’t even give a shit about petty editing carelessness.
Soooo….I’m dying to hear what you guys thought about all this. What do you think they will be put through next week? Being buried alive? Attacked by sharks? Walking on hot coals? Colonoscopy exams? Performing blindfolded open-heart surgery on each other? Who knows!!! It could be ANYTHING as far as I’m concerned. I’ll have next week’s cap finished for ya’ll waay sooner next (this) week, guys. Thanks for reading!