Expedition Impossible: Fruit Striped Fossil

Ok, ya’ll.  Soooooooooo sorry about the past couple of weeks!  SO SO SO sorry-for real.  I had Staph infection, and was pretty sick.  Shingles, Staph, what next?  Syphillis?  Strepp? Scabies?  Scarlett Fever?  Hope not x4!!!    I’ll spare you the details (you’re welcome), and we’ll just get to it, mmkay?  We have mucho catching up to do, no?

Two weeks ago, pretty much everyone complained about being “out of their element”, which reeks of obvious, and drove me nuts while watching the ep.  Gypsies won AGAIN, and Grandpa’s Depends came in last, winning them their ticket hizzome.  Oh, and one of the Kansas Hoes decided to hike a few miles wearing wet shoes minus socks.  SPOILER ALERT: She ended up with massive bleeding blisters, cried, and it was awesome.  But not quite as awesome as the cast/teams getting the shit kicked out of them by Camels….AGAIN!!!  OMG-it was so fab and if you didn’t get to see it, get your ass to abc.com right this instant and watch that shit.

LAST week, the teams had to hike in the snow (28 degree temp, hella high altitude), then SLEEP in said snow, which REALLY sucks.   The next morning, they all looked like they got eaten by a dog and shit off the side of a mountain, demonstrating as much.  One of the Flab 3 almost shit himself, and the female of that tripod proved to be a Twat Waffle Bitch.  The Firemeths helped out the Cali Goats (thanks, Dickheads), and Gypsies won AGAIN!!!!!!!!  Despite Bubba Gump wheezing his team into last place for the majority of the challenge, Kansas Losers came in last at the finish line.  Thank God.  I seriously doubt I would have been able to tolerate those gummy smiles and cracking voices for one more week.  Peace out. Finally.

This week.  Another 2-day challenge.  Teams must first hike to the “Artists’ Tent” (creative magic,abc), and the first team there will win some sort of contact with their loved ones.  Jeff from No Limit Softcocks IVs that he reaaaallly misses his wife and kids so the other teams better watch out.  He says, and I quote, “I’m comin’.  And I’m comin’ HARD.”

T.M.I., Jeff

Gypsies get to start first, and Fab 3 are in the back of the pack as Kari tells us that A.J. has been “lagging”, therefore she’s been the “Team Leader”.  Since when, you self-centered cuntface?  Hm?  Since you didn’t pay one bit of attention to the directions of last weeks’ 2nd leg of the challenge, causing A.J. to get stuck performing the one-person part of it, yet AGAIN??  BTW, Bitch,  A.J. is sick as hell, and the other dude on your team has a hyper-extended knee, so it makes sense that you’d be the one hiking at a slightly faster pace.  So shut your pie-hole, Slore.  HATE.

Once at the “Artists’ Tent” (eyeroll), the teams must partake in the “Ancient Art of Henna Tattoo”. They must copy the map for the next part of the challenge on one of the teammates body parts, in…..wait for it….drumroll….HENNA!  Here is the “detailed” map.

Anyone else out there pretty sure you could copy all this detail into your brain in about 2.2 secs?  Me too.  And again…

Just sayin’

Anyhoodles, I’m sure you could guess that this next scene is hilarious.

L.O.L….Touche, Gypsies…TOU. CHE.

And veeeeerrrry Gay…..

“Squeal like a pig!!!”

Wow.  I can’t believe I’m 3 shows into the recapping game, and that was my first “Deliverance” reference….*sniffletearsnhiffle*.

Cali Guzzlers fuck up and have to start their tatt again (ha).  That puts them in last place (not far behind Country Buzz), and Gypsies are in the lead, as usual (yawn).

It’s time to rappel, and Akbar (of team Football Play-dohs) lets us know “I will not let rappel defeat me!”.  First of all, I wasn’t aware “Rappel” was a noun.  Second of all, Akbar, as I recall, you let “rappel” defeat you about 4 days ago during challenge #1.  I loathe this one.  Instead of continuing past  No Limit, he and his team are too caught up watching, in amazement, Eric (blind) rappel/navigate down the cliff fast as all hell.  Akbar even uses this as an opportunity to namedrop that he has played ball with the likes of Jerry Rice, and Eric is a far better athelete than him.  Awesome, Ak.  I’m sure Jerry Rice is putting a hit out on you as we speak really appreciates that…*sigh*

Kari (Fab 3) runs her mouth about how she’s just keeping her mouth shut.  Whaaaa?  NVM.

One of the Cali Gizzards is crying (as always), whining that she keeps slipping.

Maybe take one step to the left where the dry rock is?  No?  Anyone?  Crickets?  NVM.

Ideally, Eric would be at the bottom yelling “At least you can see, you Asshole!!!” up at her, but, unlike Jerry Rice’s Kids, he takes the opportunity to get futher ahead instead.  Common sense, people.

The next scene consists of the teams “trekking” through water in a canyon-type terrain, which No Limit’s Jeff calls “Blind Man’s Pergatory”.  He’s right, which is why I can’t even watch this scene, as Eric falls and stumbles throughout the entirety of it.  It’s SO SAD, ya’ll.  Moving on.

The directions at the next checkpoint say that they must now find the ancient “rare fish fossil” (which actually appears to be nothing more than a rock with a fucking picture of a fish printed on it), and trade it for an actual fish dinner in the next “town” (aka-a couple of huts set up by abc a few yards ahead).  This is quite a coincidence, cause I just so happened to CATCH my own catfish dinner about 2hrs ago.  No lie.  Look!

See!!!  That’s my dad, BTW.  Okay, okay.  He actually CAUGHT it, but I net-ted it!!!  So THERE!

Where were we?  Oh yeah!  Looking for a rock with a Fruit Striped Gum temporary tattoo of a fish on it….Akbar is frusterated and says that “They call this place MoROCCo, cause of all the ROCKS!”.  Clever, Ak (insert groan here).  Oh, and when they find the right one, they say “Boo-ya!!!” a few times (insert groan #2 here).

Gypsies make it to camp first, and decide to give their “message from home” reward to No Limit, which is really nice…………and boring.

No Limit and Firefattasses have a simultaneous brain fart, throwing their “fish fossil” into the creek, causing them to get violently “shooed” away by the fish-guy at the “market”.  It’s hilarious, and they have to backtrack for their dinner.  That’s what happens when you do not read directions.  Or when you’re just stupid.

No Fish Dinner gets their family messages, and they cry.  I do too, but you’d better not tell anyone, Gasmii, or i’ll cut you.

Next morning.  The teams must now solve some weird rope-wooden-ball puzzle to open a box containing the further directions.  It’s boring, but Cali Waggers finish it 3rd, but throw the Firecrotches a reciprocal bone before continuing, telling them how they “solved” the puzzle.  Awww…..HATE.

Day-um, you guys!  Gypsies make a “navigational error”, which the host calls a “costly mistake”.  OUCH!  They must back-track at least half a mile.

Fabs Tres are now in first place as they arrive at the next checkpoint.  The teams must unlock their next direction box after solving another motherfuckin’ puzzle, and after doing so, they must extract some key (the round thingy seen below) to open a bag.  Confusing much?

Wouldn’t it be awesome if it (round thingy) was a live pirhanna?  Or a cactus?  Or an HIV-infected dirty needle?  Jesus, I’m demented. NVM.

More rappeling, another river bed, sprint to the finish line, blah sameshit blah….zzzzZZZZZzzzz….

Fab 3 win today, with Gypsies right on their heels, due to A.J.’s “bum knee” (Butterscotch Hitler’s words, not mine).  N. Y. Fireflies come in last, and I have a date to get ready for, so I’m nott recapping the closing “farewell helicopter ride” scene.  Sorry.

Thoughts?  Concerns?  Sorry, again, for the absent recaps for the past couple weeks, you guys!  Love ur face!!!(s)

Tmurda xoxoxoxo