Expedition Impossible: Not-So-Smooth Sailing

Yo, Gasmii.  What’s up Pussycats?  I have spent the last week on the phone with many customer service morons, taking a test (which I passed), and bangin’ my New Boo.  You?  Yeah, my vagina hurts too, so let’s just get to recappin’, mmkay?

Last week, No Limit’s Ike (NOT Turner….unfortunately) re-injured a broken ankle he suffered in Afghanistan.  How, you ask?  Not hiking……nope, not while rappeling………naw, he wasn’t jumping off a cliff…..HE WAS STEPPING OFF OF A MOTHERFUCKING CURB!  No lie.  He redeemed himself the only way possible, by continuing in the race with his team, helping them to come in SECOND in the day’s challenge.  Who beat them out for first?….Do I even have to fucking tell you?  Didn’t think so.   And, btw- Fab 3 somehow managed to take a mid-challenge siesta of sorts, but still caught up to, and passed the Cuntry Boys, sending their redneck asses hizzome.  PEACE, KKKuntry Boys!

We open this week with Ike’s post-challenge trip to the hospital, where, for some reason, it takes like 7 doctors to observe an x-ray, and deecide that Ike’s ankle is not actually fractured.  The female Doc informs him of this, but adds in that there is signifigant ligament damage, and calls it a “race-stopping injury”.  Eek!  But Doc knows better, and tells him that although he will insist on continuing in the competition, he will have to do so with a cast.  Hopefully there is no challenge coming up that includes water or anything wet, or he might be fucked.  Oh, who am I kidding?

Ike.  Jeff.  Erik.

NO. LIMIT. SUPERHEROES.

A.J. is being a Twat and IVs “Anyone who says they don’t want No Limit to go home is lying through their teeth.”  Then color me dishonest, cause I NEVER want No Limit to go home, you fucking drama queen.  Ugh.

This next challenge is a two-day one.  Part one of said challenge is to hike to the “Ancient Cazba” (WHAT IS AN ANCIENT CAZBA, FOR GODSSAKE?!), grab a rope, rappel, and go to the first checkpoint on the shore of “Lake Bugaboo”.  Host gives the group his daily “Stay strong, work together, and never give up” pep-talk, and the group gives him their daily “Enjoy the craft services table, Dickhead” reaction look.  Moving right along.

Erik IVs (quite distinctly, I must say) “We’ll just have to SEEE what happens……we’ll SEEE what happens next.”

Oh Erik…I wuv you.

It’s time for Tmurda’s Random Observation of the Day!  You see, as a Paramedic (officially as of this coming December), I am required to perform I.V. sticks, and enjoy doing so to the point of almost considering myself to have an actual vein fetish.  Therefore, Akbar is my Babydaddy for the day, due to his massive chead-vein (see image below).  Sorry Erik!-SMOOCHES BOOTCHES!!

“Oh yeah…Right THERE…14 gague… Big stick on ’3′!…OH YEAH!..RIGHT THERE!…”

Phew.  Sorry….where were we?  Oh yes, the teams were all having an unusually difficult time rappeling despite the fact that they have rappeled about 37 times so far in this competition……*yawn*.  The main highlight of this rappelling scene is the Cali Girls CONTINUOUSLY slamming into the side of the cliff/mountain/whatever it is.  It’s hysterical.  I rewound this shit about 6 or 7 times, and laughed equally as hard each time.  They have gone from 3rd to 6th (last) place.  Example pic below.

L.M.F.A.O.

After one of the Football Players said “Put the pedal to the metal”, requiring my psyche to tune out for a few minutes, I see that one of the Gypsies has “rolled” his ankle for a second time.  His teammate, Butterscotch Hitler, IVs “We’re hoping it’ll just heal up and we can continue on.”  Let me know how that works out, Butter Hit.

Once at the Bugaboo Shore, the teams are directed to inflate their two kayaks (for three people, mind you), and kayak to the next checkpoint.  This scene is boring overall, and Cali Girls continue to suck along on the Loser-train, as Jeff of No Limits IVs some ass-backwards shit about “never knowing what to expect next”.  Pssssst, Jeff……imma tell you a lil secret:  The upcoming challenges will include rappelling, hiking, climing, assembling a raft/boat of sorts, and/or solving a puzzle. Jeez.

Whaddya know?! Once at the next shore, the directions say to use the given pieces of equipment to assemble a Catamarran (aka, a bootleg sailboat).   Shocking, I know *eyeroll*.

Just sayin’.

It’s now time for a nap-worthy and frusterating filler segment including a little background info on the Cali Girls, how they met, and…..zzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzz….My bad.  Token Asian tells us that this whole competition is gonna come down to teamwork, and that this sailing task will be just like wind surfing.  Neither of those things are even close to true, but I appreciate Lucy Liu’s positive attitude.  I apologize in advance to all you angry commenters for that ignorant comparison.  I’m not a racist, I’m just an asshole.

Anyhoodles.  What happens next is pretty entertaining, I must say.  You see, Fab 3 is surprisingly having a really tough time “sailing” (probably due to the fact that sailing takes actual skill, and they’re having to do so in a “sailboat” made of two rafts, a couple sticks, and an 8-thread-count sheet), causing them to get in a full-blown screaming match.  It’s pretty intense.  A.J. actually ends up yelling at Ryan (his ex BF, remember) “Anytime anything gets hard, you run away! Just like everything else in your entire life!  You’re nothing but a quitter!”.  They begin to scream “I HATE YOU!” at each other, and I could watch this shit all day. I’m praying that these queens just start bitch-slapping each other.

L.O.L.  I LOVE couple fights.

Annnnd…..COMMERCIAL.  Damn.

At the end of the sailing challenge, No Limit has fought their way to the overnight camp in first place (and even deeper into my heart *blush*), and the Cops are not far behind, coming in second.  Gypsies have fallen back to third, and the rest suck, so who cares……Crickets?  Awesome.  Moving on.

We’re treated to a montage of some friendly post-challenge banter between the teams, and it’s really cute and sweet…………….and boring.

On a darker and more obnoxous note, A.J. of Fab 3 spends the next morning trying to form some kind of alliance with the Football Players.  He says he wouldn’t call it an “alliance”, he’d call it an “understanding”.  I call it “irrelevent”, since both teams suck ass.

At this point in the season, I’m getting really tired of explaining these redundant challenges in any kind of detail, so leg one of today’s challenge as follows: Hike, swim, hike some more.  Got it?  That’s seriously it, guys.  I need’nt explain more, PROMISE!

As the teams set off, Cali Girls’ Brittany IVs that the challenges for them have been “50/50″.  Excuse me-………….BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Unless she means 50-FAIL/50-EPIC FAIL, then she’s blinder than Erik.

HATE.

After the swiming portion, it takes about 20 seconds for my whole world to come crashing down.  No Limit has fallen into last place due to Ike’s gimp, casted ankle.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Oh, and FYI- Apparently, Kari of Fab 3 has explosive diarrhea today, causing her to stop every 10mins to shit in the bushes, slowing her team down signifigantly.  LOL. *coughkharmacough*

OMFG.  The next part of today’s challenge is unneccessarily complex, but I’ll do my best to explain as follows: Answer a bunch of questions.  The answer to each said question will reveal a component/coordinate which should all be combined to navigate two polls across a field, leading to a particular spot, where there are further directions they must dig up.  Sorta like Trivial Pursuit meets Treasure Hunt.  Get it?  Me neither.

Football Players and Gypsies are now neck-and-neck.  Meanwhile, No Limit falls futrther behind.  Erik asks Ike what number his ankle is on a scale of 1-10.  He says “10″.  My sadness over this on a scale of 1-10 is about a 20 *sniffletearsniffle*

Spoiler alert: Gypsies come in first………..AGAIN *eyeroll*, and of course, Football players second.

Back at the Treasure Hunt/Who Wants to Be a Millionare/Scategories/Capture the Flag/Dig-Dug challenge, Cali Girls have fallen further behind.  Brittany tells us via IV “Natalie just wants to keep digging holes everywhere, I kinda wanna go by the directions, and Christina kinda wants to solve it in one big problem”.  What was that about team work, Ladies? ….hmm….FAIL.  As No Limit come around the bend, the girls crouch down, playing in the dirt saying “This suuuucks”..No, Bitches. It’s AWESOME.

No Limit INSTANTLY understands how to navigate themselves to the directions, and Cali Girls watch them, finally figuring out what dumbasses they are, and begin working their way to their own directions.  None of that made sense, huh?  I’m fucking exhausted.  BASICALLY, it has now come down to a foot-race between the two teams, and I’m literally watching with my hands over my face, peeping through my fingers and holding my breath, waiting to see which team emerges over the hill to the finish line.

IT’S NOOOOO MOTHERFUCKIIIINNG LIMIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I have a tear in my eye….for real.  I gotta get a life.

Comments?  Concerns?  How do you all feel about this?  Sorry this cap was so late this week.  Hope it was worth the wait.  Thank you all so much for reading!