Yo yo! Happy 4th of July weekend, everyone! (yawn). Yay for mosquito bites, 200 degree weather, and drunk drivers galore! Fireworks are the only enjoyable thing about this holiday (IMO). Anyhoodles, since my cap was waaaay tardy for the party last week, it’s only been like three days since I updated you all on my life, and I think you deserve a week without having to read bout my boring self, so let’s see what torure this cast must face this week. And more importantly, which teams’ determination will downspiral into a psychotic break less than halfway into the challenge.
Montage of what we’ve seen. Last week, Bubba Gump embarrassed the Country Boy team by basically taking a nap during the FIRST leg of challenge 1. His teammates were less than happy about this, and successfully insulted and threatened him back to his feet. Mom’s Army proved to be as hormonal and pathetic as their first impression suggested, and the Latin Motormouths finished the challenge last, and departed with their relationships, dignity, and pride hanging by a thread.
Oh, and the Gypsies beat No Limit by a mustache. Tonight, more talk about courage, character, and other shit that society doesn’t value anymore. Huge “adventure music” build up………..and welcome to….this week’s…..
Host greets teams, welcomes them to challenge #2, and informs them that the last team across the finish line loses. I think they know that, Man. Challenge deets as follows: Ancient Habottan Casba (I have no clue what this is). Travel a half-mile, on foot to a “Horse Outpost”, containing ”36 Arabian Wild Stallions”, which they must ride to their first checkpoint. Cut to a horse demonstrating the “Wild” part of the description by bucking, flailing, screeching, appearing generally unhappy to be alive. Just curious- is anyone else suddenly distracted by the mental image of Reese Witherspoon getting finger-banged on a rollarcoaster right now? Gawd, Nicole. So David banged your insanely-slutty bestie out of severe sexual frusteration. Pft! He’s Marky-Mark. He and his abs can do whatever they want to. So…………LET HIM IN THE FUCKIN’ HOUSE!!! Lol. Damn, I love that movie. It always makes me feel a nostalgic longing for my more virginal days…
Ok, so I def land in the “Margo”-type catagory, despite a stellar upbringing that could produce nothing other than a “Nicole”. I spent 6 of my total 10 yrs of therapy guilt-ridden over this, longing for an explanation. Finally, Doc diagnosed me with “Naturally Excessive Horney-ness”, & my parents could finally be at peace, knowing that THEY didn’t screw me up, I was just born a “Margo”. The cure?–eliminate/minimize alcohol intake, avoid a social life, and excessive/frequent masturbation. End Rant.
. :( Ok, where were we? Oh yes! Wild-ass Horses these jokers have to ride. HA! A.J. from the Fab 3 lets us know that he hates horses, and is concerned about getting a hoof to the face, because his face is pretty. He looks to me like he has already taken it in the face once or twice in his lifetime. Either way, THAT is his current dilemma, folks.
Christopher Reeves would roll over in his grave right now, if he was able to.
Anyway, the teams will be given the “go ahead” to begin in the order which they finished challenge #1. Gypsies get a 5min start, and off they go. They IV about how traveled, and cultured they all are, and about how they prepared themselves before coming by assuming Arabic would be the most frequently spoken language along this journey, so they brilliantly brought along an “Arabic Word/Phrase” guide. Therefore, they arrive at the hourse outpost thinking “JACKPOT!”, as they bust out their magical book to solicit inside info from the set extras as to which are the “best horses”. They just get blank stares in response, and are forced to just pick at random.
Yeah, 4 legs, 840-1,200 lbs of pure muscle, nothing to lose, and diabolic unpredictability.
Fab 3, Football Fairies, and Kansas Whinertown all set off second. Fab 3 have decided that, this time, the others will underestimate them cause the two boys are gay, and they have a chick on their team. WE KNOW!!!!!! Nobody even cares about you enough to underestimate you. Plus, you were among the top performers last time, so that would make no sense, if they did. Just do your thing, and quit insinuating there’s some kind of profiling going on, due to your homosexuality. So far, the only one who has an issue with your gayness is you.
Country Boys, No Limit, Fishermen, and NY Firecrotches are next to begin. And lastly, we have California Cast Fillers, G’pas Worriors, Cops, and Mom’s Bookclub. This final group of teams is announced by the host in unison with a massive sigh, an extremely noticable lack of enthusiasm, and it made me LOL. I realllly hope that you all noticed (and got a laugh out of) it too.
As the second set of teams arrives to select horses, Akbar has decided that he simply must choose the biggest horse, and goes about doing so by darting around the outpost like sheep in a snowstorm, slamming his hands together, yelling “Where’s the biggest horse!!?”, (did Erik just get waaaay too tan, or is this helpless fool also blind?) Followed by an IV declaration that “I love animals, but I’m not stupid. They sure don’t have horses in South Central California. I don’t think I would’ve gotten on a horse if it weren’t for this expedition”. Aight, Akbald. First of all, not one thing you just said has anything to do with anything. Second, yes, actually you are stupid. Thirdly, you’re on a competition reality show in Morrocco. Therefore, it is already implied that every bit of this is generally new to all of you. You do not have to explain the unfamiliarity of every task you’re about to suck at, capeesh?
Team Kansas Complain-a-thon are from Kansas (duh), where there are plenty of horses, so they’re golden, right?. That’s how in depth they thought into this challenge and it’s details, before forming their conclusion of surefire success. Something tells me that out of the many “horses” being ridden regularly at Team Kansas’ local equestrian spot, there most likely is NOT a “wild Stallion” amongst the group. Hint, Kansas: The concept of a challenge is for it to involve things that are MORE difficult than with which you are familiar. This enlightening consideration finally occurs to these jockeys when they are being slung around, and bounced all over the place, causing one of them to cry the rest of the way to the checkpoint. In. The. Bag.
No Limit Soldiers quickly choose horses, and one of not-blind ones is apparently on the rag (see image below).
Jeez. And this is his LIGHT FLOW day.
The horse then runs off, and dude follows frantically to chase it down. This event really shakes Blind Erik up, he tells us, and he explains that if the horse bucks him, he won’t be able to see where or how he’ll land. He states, with genuine concern in his voice, that he doesn’t want to have irreprable damage. These people have so far offered nothing but groan-worthy reactions to the games’ components, and thank God my man E comes through for me with a valid and appropriate reaction to the given sitch. I’d like to take a second to acknowledge the ironic that Erik, THE BLIND CONTESTANT( in case you forgot), is the most observent and insightful individual of the 39-person original cast. Either he really is as Budda-like as I consider him, or the editors are completely screwing with my head.
ABC, I have just now decided, is on a secret mission to destroy me, because here comes Akbar again, and this time, as his team is allegedly gaining on the Gypsies, he brilliantly strategizes that Gypsies are at some kind of advantage cause they are physically smaller men, so the Footfungus Fellas are gonna have to “work harder to get ahead of them”. And just when my eyes can’t roll back in my head any further, he gallops along, proudly declaring “Ya’ll didn’t think a black dude could ride no horse, did yall!” I didn’t hear anyone say anything even close to that, but thanks for bringing racism to the table in the house that unneccessary built. He and A.J. should maybe consider an alliance, for the sake of forming a front against the imaginary bigot who’s polluting this epic journey with the his/her evil under-estimation of minorities!
We’re given a rapid breakdown of where each team is placed, and I’m too slow to keep it straight, and too lazy to go back, so what stuck out to me is that Country Boylovers are on Gypsies’ heels, Fab3 are somewhere not long behind, Mom’s Mistakes, and G’Pa’s Wantsomedopes are sucking ass in the rear (eew, my bad), with California Sloregalore where they’re meant to be. They appear to be very distraught and concerned over their ranking.
They do, Barbie. You get them by eating.
Token Asian chick I’ve never seen till now, tells us she came up with the plan to win, and that plan is still, and always will be to win. She just butchered whatever deep, meaningful thought she was wantin’ to verbalize, but I think I know what she meant. I wish I could suggest to her/them that it might be about that time to consider Plan B. Not the morning after pill, I mean whatever default plan she formulated just in case “Win” didn’t go as expected (aka-NOW). One of the other two tells us how athletic they all three are. Pft. Uh huh, and i’d be a phenominal kindergarten teacher. Well, alright you straggle-tastic young ladies, we’ll see ya at the finish line in a few days, mmkay?
The Gypsies are 1st to arrive at the checkpoint, and Country Dudds are 2nd. The directions for the next part of the challenge are much more than my A.D.D. will allow me to translate with more than mediocre accuracy, but basically, teams must search the “Sabbah Courtyard” for buckets to use to retrieve water from a “nearby reservior” (aka-a creek just off to the side), but “must choose carefully”, cause the large buckets have holes in them, and the smaller ones do not. Wait- Whaaaaaa? Then they must poor that water into an “ern? urn?” (looks like one of those plain ole orangey/rusty-colored planters from Wal-Mart Garden Center), which, when full, will allow a plastic tube to pop out, containing inside the next set of directions. Ok, that wasn’t so bad, it just required de-coding.
There for just a sec, I questioned why in the world even include the choice of a large bucket covered in holes, cause no one would be dumb enough to try and use such a thing for water. Then I remembered the level of difficulty the last logic-type water-related task presented these less-than-innovative characters with. So, I sat back and had a good laugh at this next scene. My breakdown for you as follows:
Gypsies-Their brains won’t go anywhere near the level of dumb it takes to even acknowledge the hole-y buckets’ existence. SMALL/CORRECT!
Kansas-”Big holds more! Yay!” BIG/WRONG!
Footfetish Papermill-Not only choose BIG/WRONG, they stand-by their decision, with a very scientific explanation of why a bigger container holds more than a smaller one. The time came to fill the bucket, the water came pouring out through the holes, and another genius theory was born, as in, Akbar removed his shirt, and shoved it down into the bucket to “plug up the holes”. Ladies and Gents; The Winning/Top Spot on my list of reasons I love this show, officially goes to “Cause it makes me feel really smart”.
No Limit Buzzkills kill my buzz by not only choosing BIG/WRONG, but the two non-disabled team members scatter off, unintentionally leaving Erik behind, forcing us to suffer through a montage of Erik wandering around with his walking-sticks, in a slight panic, calling out for help.
“Marco?……….marco?………marco?………YO, FUCKFACES! WTF?”
It’s soooo sad, but they at least provide us clips of “dumb and dumber” IV-ing how fucked up they are for doing making a mistake like that, and how genuinely awful they feel about it (you can def tell they feel realllly bad cause they keep looking away in shame). They totes mean it, find Erik, apologize, are instantly forgiven, and the scene comes together as a perfectly-executed “importance of teamwork” jem. Awe.
Country Snores choose BIG/WRONG, but come to find out, they have one more brain cell than the Blueball Playpen does, cause they try plugging the holes with mud and plastic bags they find on the ground. *sigh*
The Cops, who I consistently forget even exist, choose BIG/WRONG, and decide on using their fingers to plug the holes, then tell us that having worked for SWAT, and having done investigation-related-shit over the years, said background will totes assist them in these types of challenges. Oh hell yeah. Like when they utilized those investigative skills while choosing a bucket, failing to observe closely enough to discover the holes? If I ever turn up missing, please do not let these officers anywhere near my case, mmkay?
Fab 3some choose….SMALL/CORRECT! A 20sec brother/sister bickering sesh concludes the scene.
At this point, Country Rhoids have floated the next instructions from their pot-planter, and they read as follows: Kayak 4.3 miles downriver to next checkpoint. You got that, boys? Lemme guess…..they aint got kaayyyakkin down in Mississippi? The narrarator elaborates on the directions by adding that the teams must inflate their kayaks themselves , THEN trek down the “Magoo” river (there’s no fuckin’ way it’s called that, ABC has made up these redic landmark deets, and i’d bet my left titty on that), through “treacherous” waters….blah nothankyou blah.
Hey, real quick, ya’ll: Cut to the moment when the Foot-Ball Nuzzlers finally get their directions to pop up out of their urn. I had to rewind it twice for conformation, but one of them DEFINITLY went, ”Boo-ya!”. Boo-ya, huh? Wow.
Alright, Gasmii. Once again, we (as viewers) are forced to just press on, following along with the frontrunning teams, leaving the rest behind, because real talk: There are only so many episodes in a season, and the back-end of the team train would have us nodding off till Thanksgiving prob, so lets all just collectively conclude that the teams we don’t witness participating in the remaining water challenge footage chose the wrong bucket, complained for a while about having chosen wrong, cried some, moved really slow, and fell even further behind, mmkay? Agreed? We good?
Country Cocks are now in the lead and should “dominate” the kayak leg, since they each have “white water” experience. Are they refering to rafting in white water? If so, they need a tip from Kansas Dopes about assuming 1 similarity between two obstacles means anything at all. These people are soooo ignorant. FYI-Gypsies show up as Cuntry Balls are still pumping up their kayaks. And you can start referring to me as Sylvia Brown, because…Spoiler alert:
“Dude, this shit was waaaay easier than this the time we went with youth group in ’93, right?”
What you all are unaware of, that you can’t tell just from a still pic, is that those kayaks are not moving WHATSOEVER in such shallow water. They thrust their bodies back and forth for momentum, while aggresively paddling with zero success. Gypsies join the hilarity, and cartoon music is the cherry on top of a chaotic treat. Mocking others’ frusteration is something I just have a passion for. When the laugh-ee’s frusteration over realizing/having to admit that he/she were 100% WRONG about something he/she insisted with stern conviction and certainty they were 100% RIGHT about, it’s beyond hysterical. Hey, call me evil, but I welcome others to point and laugh at me when I’m in any type of position to be mocked. I’m a trainwreck, and my suffering is open for all to get a laugh out of. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hm…that above paragraph might be a full-blown rationalize-fest to defend/excuse my not-so-nice treatment of others, but I’m not quite sure. FINAL VERDICT-Until these dumbshit people learn to interview properly, providing us actual informative descriptions, feelings, and with ACCURACY, as opposed to generalizing the deets of challenge components in order to declare wildly unrealistic advantages you have over the others, all for the sake of convincing yourself that you won’t suck ass……again. Spare us the cocky nonsense, cause A) You can not possibly change the outcome of your performance by simply telling a vid camera that you’re gonna put everyone else to shame and breeze through a task you haven’t even made it to yet. 2) We aren’t fooled by this crap, anyway, so you’re wasting your energy. Jeez. At least when I spend about 3 1/2 mins goin’ the fuck OFF about how gorgeous, sexy, badass, perfect, and desirable I am (via Christina Aguilera’s ”Vanity” blasting in the car), I’m considerate enough to not put other people through hearing/witnessing it. They already know i’m all of those things, anyway.
Skip to Cali Slackers 45mins behind, and referring to this via IV as their “time to be the comeback kids”. I actually FULLY agree. Yes, come back when you aren’t boring and slow as fuck, and have acquired some physical skill and stamina, some mental strength to overcome temporary weakness, and a sense of urgency. Buh-bye. HATE.
Country Inn & Suites continue to struggle, while Gypsies are breezing right through the inflation and launch portions of the kayak challenge. One of the white country boyz is frantically ordering Bubba Gump around in a really uncalled for tone. Anyone who knows me knows that being spoken to in such a manner is the #1 thing that I CAN NOT and WILL NOT tolerate, but Bubba clearly doesn’t have too big a prob with it, cause he doesn’t say a damn thing. Reguardless of Bubba’s decision to react or not, Daddy Dearest’s tactic makes no diff, cause Gypsies have outsmarted the hostile team by launching their kayaks in deep enough water to flow right on down the river, and into 1st place.
Overall Team Status update: Gypsy, then C.B. (duh), close behind is No Limit, and Cops. Surprisingly, makin’ their way to the middle of the pack are G’pas Diaper Changers. Everyone else is at a pathetic distance behind, including Fab 3, which I’m certain has everything to do with A.J.’s recent behavior, aka-karma has decided to collect for him trynna start discriminatory drama/gossip.
Montage of the stragglers kayaking, and there are a few stateents being thrown around reguarding how dangerous all this is, and the word “death” is even mentioned. Well, guess what, ya’ll?! “Mom” of Mom’s Army totally sucks at, yet ANOTHER task, and there’s all of a sudden a build up of “danger!” type music, mom’s kayak capsizes, then SILENCE……..mom?
EYE. MOTHAFUCKIN. ROLL.
Commercial. Lord have mercy. This is all so dramatic. I call major bullshit for the following reasons:
1) We can see with our own eyes that the water isn’t all that deep, nor is it near as rough as they are insinuating it is. In fact, I actually keep finding myself fantasizing about floatin’ in the Lazy River at my local ghetto-ass water park, as I watch this scene.
2) The ability to swim would obviously be a standard/serious requirement to be cast on any show of this nature.
3) ABC WOULD NOT EVER LET A CAST MEMBER ON ONE OF THEIR SHOWS ACTUALLY DIE!!! It just wouldn’t happen. ABC would never legally allow the cast to participate in anything whatsoever that could turn fatal. But, knowing there is always the risk of getting injured/hurt, they always have the appropriate trained personel on hand to step in before these assholes are in any real danger.
Go into the “village” (elaborate and costly ABC set), find a map, and search through a bunch of lamps. The overall goal is to find the CORRECT lamp that “lights the way to the finish line”. Not sure what that is supposed to mean, and I wish the writers would stop with the just-vague-enough comparisons/analogies to make us go “whaaaaa?”. Looks to me like the correct lamp simply fits a standard base they’re already provided, so when the match is put together/connected, the light comes on, and theoretically makes the map to the finish visible, even though it’s friggin’ daytime, and I can totes see the map without said light. Anyhoo, I forgot to mention that mom didn’t actually drown (imagine that), but she did allow the California Rolls to pass her team, putting them now in last place. Anybody care? Didn’t think so.
Back to the last obstacle of today’s challenge. Once the proper lamp is found, and the map/clue visualized, they must trek 2 miles down a winding canyon in search of the “Old Bridge”. Wow, there are some creative folks workin’ there at ABC. The bridge indicates that they are close to the hidden “finish camp”, which can be easily missed, due to tall stone (paper ma-shay) walls surrounding it. Phew.
Quick question, Gasmii. Am I the only one who was unaware till this very moment, that Butterscotch Hitler is a member of Team Gypsy? :
Is it possible that there might be some truth behind A.J. and Akbar’s claims of racist/homophobic activity happening? I might be on the fence about it, after this revelation..
Ok, so now I see the real deal reguarding the lamps. Each lamp illuminates through an individual design in the metal, so they must try each one till the lamp’s lighting design matches up with, and ultimately exposes the needed crap on the map, got it? No? I can’t get a good pic of one, so here’s an adequate comparison:
Now replace kid with this show’s contestants, switch the rock he’s holding with a copper lamp cover, and instead of a landmark to complete the puzzle, picture some lit-up words/shapes on paper. Ok, worst example ever. Forget it. I’m exhausted.
Ya’ll, I think this is gonna be a painfully drawn-out lamp challenge, soooooo I have now decided to skip it altogether. It jumped off with bickering amongst team members due to failure to read directions, and I’m sure that’s the overall scenario across the board, anyhow.
I pick back up with the frontrunning teams hiking through/over rocks, and hills, in search of the finishline campsite. When Gypsies arrive upon the random walls erected in the middle of nothingness, they AUTOMATICALLY guess that it’s supposed to be a disguise for camp, they are correct, and they win today’s challenge (their 2nd win). Country Crock rolls up next, taking 2nd place.
Cut to the Cops, who haven’t even found the “Old Bridge” yet (despite all that investigative background) ,and from the looks of it, they won’t anytime soon.
No Limit Pimps arrive at camp 3rd, Fruitcake Layers “intercept” 4th, Fab 3 in 5th, Fishermen take 6th, Kansas-7th, G’pa’s Dentures take 8th, Cali Whackers 9th
Cops (who are so lost that they’ve been passed by 6 TEAMS!!! OUCH!), Firemen, and Mom’s Co-Dependency are so lost, and defeated, I officially give up on them for the week. Even without conformation of them coming in last, I’m am going by mom’s apperance ALONE to conclude that she needs to go home. Like, NOW.
Please just “less-than-honorably” discharge Mom from the “Army” before something bad worse comes of all this. EEK!
Well, guys. What did ya think of week 2? I dug it, with the exception of the bulk of the kayak portion. After the Country Ham hilarity, and team Gypsey coasting past them with the greatest of ease, that obstacle got boring, and the alleged danger that we were expected to take seriously felt slightly insulting to my intellegence. I love the animals, and puzzle/riddle-type stuff, and I’m countin’ down the days till next week’s ep, cause GUESS WHAT, GASMII!!!!????? Two words: Camel, and sandstorm. Likes? Dislikes? Thoughts? Concerns? Leave me a comment, cause they make me feel important.