It’s Face Off episode 3! Now that we’ve lost Nix, I feel like I’ve lost my will to watch the show. Like Kurt on Glee, I wanted to see what ridiculous costumes he was going to wear every episode. Well, we can’t have everything.
LaBrea and Emo Matt talk in the bathroom for some reason (aren’t there, like, couches and living rooms in this house?) about how Jerry should have gone home instead of Nix. They call Jerry a creativity sucker and bad luck for anyone he’s partnered with.
Emo Matt describes Jerry’s bad luck claw that sucks anyone with talent down with him.
They walk into the studio and find some models in black standing all mysterious-like.
Men (and women) in Black
Turns out the Foundation Challenge is a timed relay race. They will be in teams of 3 and each get two 15 minute turns on one model creating a face makeup. They also won’t be able to see what the person currently at work is doing. Let’s not pretend that they didn’t totally steal this idea from the Top Chef relay race challenge, but it’s a good one, so why not.
The models’ sunglasses, other than making them look like Ray-Ban loving hipsters, are hiding special contact lenses that dictate what their makeup should be like. And the special judge is Jennifer Aspinall, some well-known TV makeup artist.
Side note: some of you Gasmii commented on the last recap that you thought Mail Order Bride looked like Britney Spears. I didn’t see it the past two episodes, but now I’m kind of starting to see it myself.
You’ve earned a new name! Mail Order Britney
The teams are RJ, Mail Order Britney, and Emo Matt; LaBrea, Heather, and Tara; Miranda, Jerry, Anal Asian; Beki, Ian, and Rayce.
Beki’s guy has yellow and green alien-looking eyes, RJ’s has red and yellow firey ones that remind him of a zombie, LaBrea’s has blue star contacts that make her think fantasy beauty, and Jerry’s team has all black demonic eyes.
After much running around and much internal cursing out of team members, it’s done.
Here are the results:
The star princess is a failure because no one knew what direction to take it, the demon got props for a good paint job, the alien gets good comments all around, and the zombie doesn’t look like a zombie, except for the blood on its mouth. They don’t know what the yellow paint in his hair is supposed to be, and neither do I. A zombie who was in a paintball battle?
I’d say the winner should be the alien. And it is…the alien! Beki, Rayce, and Ian. But the one winner is the dirty hippie Beki, for having a clear vision and settting it up well. Ugh, that means another week of her gnarly dreads and bad attitude. Hooray.
Spotlight challenge time. The host (her name is Mackenzie, right? who is she anyway?) stands in front of black shrouded boards and tells them a hip hop artist is the guest judge. Anal Asian gets a look other than shock and worry for once.
Well, I guess excitment and arousal count as shock. Never mind, it’s just a variation on her other face.
It’s Asher Roth. I could care less, hip hop/frat boy music isn’t really my scene. But apparently he has a new album coming out called “Is This Too Orange?” and the contestants have to make some album cover art for it. He says it’s because orange is the color of creative chakras. Hip hop + Indian mysticism, what a great idea! I’m sure it’ll be a hit in all the clubs in New Delhi. They can alternate it with “Jai Ho.”
Randomly selected teams of two: Jerry and Tara, Rayce and Beki, Ian and Miranda (oh damn the two inexperienced ones! That team is going down in flames), Sue and Heather, RJ and Mail Order Britney, Emo Matt and LaBrea.
To uncover the boards (which are backgrounds), some naked peeps show up. Anal Asian freaks out again, but in a different different way.
Dont’ make me touch it don’t make me look at it ewwww boys!
That’s right, it’s the naked body painting challenge! Mail Order Britney is excited because, in her words, “Everyone knows I’m basically a master body painter.” I think she’s actually hoping to get a male model who has low standards and will marry her for a low price. Maybe a bottle of vodka and some mascara?
The teams of two will pick a concept from the album, and each artist will design one person- one to blend in to the background and one as a character.
Tara and Jerry pick a brick wall background, Beki and Rayce choose an abandoned barn/warehouse, Miranda and Ian choose park bench, Anal Asian and Heather pick a skateboarding elephant, RJ and Mail Order Britney get a pool, which leaves LaBrea and Emo Matt with the hated wall of sneakers.
MOB and RJ decide they will put balls in the sky (hee hee) that are supposed to represent chakras and have the models reaching for them. Tara and Matt are making their female model a gritty tagger (grafitti artist). Ian and Miranda have a hard time coming up with a concept because she keeps shooting down everything he proposes.
LaBrea and Emo Matt are turning a girl’s butt into a basketball.
Only on Face Off is this not grounds for a sexual harassment lawsuit
Beki and Rayce are making one of their models some sort of glowing entity that is trying to escape from the warehouse. Beki, put down the shrooms. That’s some weird stuff you’ve got going on up there.
Ian and Miranda finally decide to make their character a hip hop roller girl. That’s what an hour of planning got you? I’m even more worried. It’s also both of their first times body painting.
Time goes by, and many boobies are shown. I swear the show does this challenge just to attract their primary demo (13-18 year old basement-dwelling males) to watch this. Wait a minute, I may be on to something…
The challenge is almost over when LaBrea’s model starts getting lightheaded and has to sit down while she’s trying to paint him. From there they call the medics, who give him a breathing tube and take him to the hospital. Well, that sucks. Are they just going to get a pass on this challenge? They can’t properly judge them like this…
This is why canvases and/or dead bodies are so much better for painting on
Oh, that’s what you think might happen, right? But no. They just bring in a new model and make LaBrea start all over again. With another 6 hours.
“I thought I was coming to Face Off, not make up artist Auschwitz.”
So after LaBrea finishes up and her model’s picture is Photoshopped into the existing picture they have with Emo Matt’s model, it’s time for the reveal.
Tara and Jerry (Jerry had told Tara earlier her paint wasn’t heavy enough and looked too fleshy, and I hate to admit it but he’s right)
Rayce and Beki
RJ and MOB (if only that model was a little bit taller…and held his arm correctly)
Miranda and Ian (can’t you tell?)
LaBrea and Emo Matt
Anal Asian and Heather. Dumbo eat your heart out
So RJ and MOB and Anal Asian and Heather are safe. Wow, I’m surprised. I thought MOB’s paintjob was really cool, and RJ’s was pretty good too.
Tara and Jerry are on the bottom. Judge Glenn tells Tara her painting isn’t good enough for a face painting booth at a county fair. Man, he is harsh! I love it!
Rayce and Beki are on top. The concept is weird as hell, but maybe Beki slipped the judges some of whatever she’s smoking backstage. Ian and Miranda are on bottom, surprise surprise. The main reason is a general lack of passion and creativity.
LaBrea and Emo Matt, despite her original model crapping out, get high marks! Emo’s paint job was awesome in blending in with the shoes, although I think his butt-basketball is way too small. The model had a booty, he should’ve utilized it.
After seeing all this, my question is why would anyone want any of this crap as your album cover???
So the top top top team is pretty obviously LaBrea and Emo Matt. And the main winner is Emo Matt for his shoe painting skills. As I guessed, Asher says he will do something to make sure as many people as possibly see this artwork. No mention of it becoming his album cover though. False hopes and crushed dreams, thats’ just what I like to see in my reality shows.
In the end, Miranda is out for being a n00b and not understanding that people’s hands don’t pass through cups.
So what did you think? Should Mail Order Britney have been on top? Did you understand what Beki and Rayce were going for at all?
Also, nickname suggestions are welcome for anyone. I’ve been trying to think of some, but I’m open to you guys.
Thanks, next episode will be up soon!