Famous Food: Accomplishing Nothing One Day at a Time

The Dolce Group is testing these 7 D-List celebrities to see if they can open up a restaurant on their own in 28 days. Spoiler alert without having seen more than 2 episodes: They can’t.

Lonnie and Mike have realized that they have presented too lofty a challenge for these fame-hungry dimwits and have given them training wheels by making a list of things to do. By the end of day one, they were way behind schedule by not even being able to complete task 1 on the list, so Lonnie and Mike had to have an impromptu visit to tell them their ideas suck and ultimately pick a concept and name for them.

When in doubt, which is always, the celebs look to the list for guidance. They are so proud of accomplishing task 1, which they technically didn’t do, that they are absolutely sideswiped by the challenge of task 2: Hiring an interior decorator.

I will be so amused when the end of the season approaches and The Dolce Group realizes they had to do all the work for the celebrities and, in effect, opened this restaurant on their own. The celebretards sure pulled an old Tom Sawyer on the Dolce Group!

The celebs put in an “honest” effort, calling in every favor and getting a “good luck and hang up” every time. This is very frustrating as they are not used to hearing the words “No”, not because no one tells them no, but because they don’t listen when they say it.

Danielle wants to be the big momma hen and run everything to make her dream of a tacky Gotti dream restaurant come true. Vincent is chapping her ass by paying people to clean the restaurant. According to Monster Staub, people should be doing things for them for free because they love these celebrities so much. She’s sort of right, because I would do anything to get her to shut the f*&^$% up.

Jake tries to pick up the pieces by bringing in designer Brock Taylor. Danielle finds a new cub to coddle in her den when Brock tells the team he is not too crazy about the picnic idea, which, if you will recall from last week, she hates because she didn’t think of it.  She literally had stars in her eyes when he wrinkled his nose at the word picnic. A match made in snob heaven.

Old Dead Eye finally has a place to rest.

Heidi has just dug a fresh grave for herself by condoning the picnic idea. Barbie Heidi tries to explain to her how the picnic could work as a five-star idea with fine wines and cheeses but all Danielle can think about is how her “chosen one” could betray her in a time like this. Danielle was supposed to f*&%$ Heidi over at the end of the competition after drawing her in close like a little protégé. Now her plan is ruint!

Sensing trouble, Mike comes in to help the celebs out do the work for them. Danielle goes on her rampage and tells on the group for not letting her do her idea. Mike tells the group they are blowing it in the most delicate way possible and then he gives them the name of a designer.

Hooker?? Naw!!!

Danielle, a true lady, follows the rules of etiquette by having her fit of anger in the ladies’ room, where she yells HOOKER at the top of her lungs. Of course Ashley and everyone else hears this and Three 6 Mafia have a collective “Ohhhhhh” moment. NOW they know how they know her.

Scott, the designer Mike GAVE them, has arrived to save the day for little to no money. Lucky for the celebs, Scott knows to not listen to their incessant babble and arguing and just do what he thinks is right for the space. All the celebs take a huge sigh of relief because thinking hurts their brains and fighting makes them hungry.

After Scott is gone, they go back to their usual bickering about money and Danielle stomps off when Vinnie loses it on her. She just doesn’t understand why people are so mean to her just because she screams at them all the time. Now that Danielle has removed herself from the building, Vinnie feels free to go on his tirade about how he would rather be gay than deal with women and Three 6 Mafia tell him that wouldn’t be good for his ‘mafia’ image. They should know.

With the wicked witch of New Jersey gone, the rest of group rejoices and uses the rest of the money to throw a party in Munchkin land. But they’ve rejoiced too soon because the interior designer, Scott, won’t cater to them just because they are D-Listers. If they only had a brain…between the 7 of them.

Mike and Lonnie come back to check on their loveable little fame-hungry rascals and ask the loaded question, “Are you guys having fun working with each other?” Yes. Loads. It’s day 2 and Danielle has already threatened to leave, they average about 30 fights per minute and Vinnie lifted his shirt. Does that sound like fun??

In order to lighten the load on these distressed celebs, Mike and Lonnie split them up into two teams. Vinnie decides her doesn’t want to be on any team and goes off to create his own team, Team Vinnie, comprised of Vinnie.

Team Barbies and Ken, Heidi, Ashley and Jake, are in charge of the Décor. Team Mafia Ball and Chain, Three 6 Mafia and Danielle, are in charge of the menu. Team Vinnie is in charge of “someone get me a freakin’ cannoli”.

Of course Danielle has found an opportunity to steamroll another situation by forcing Three 6 Mafia to agree to make the menu all original Staub recipes that she paid someone else to put in her cookbook and takes credit for. She won’t quit until she’s alienated EVERY member of the team.

A-list celebrities have difficulty understanding money, so imagine how hard it must be for D-list celebs to comprehend it. Scott does not make an effort to be gentle with them and their “disability” as he explains to them how he cannot lower the budget. He shuts them down in every way possible and not even Danielle can scare him into submission.

As all the celebrities fight about how they need to vote on a major expense like this Danielle writes a check and tells Scott she looks forward to doing business with him. This is met with a montage of angry glares from the rest of the group with dramatic music in the background. Danielle don’t care, uh-uh. She won bitches! She proved she has the power over all you bitches by signing the check.  Snap!

Then Jake informs the group that they are officially over budget. Surprise! I bet you didn’t see that coming.