Famous Food: And the winner is…Do we care?

The celebretards are all celebrating their grand opening with grape juice and countless pats on the back. People actually showed up to their grand opening! It’s amazing what people will pay in order to get a first look at a freshly-made trainwreck.

Mike and Lonnie claim they don’t want the celebs “checking out” now that the grand opening has passed. I don’t know what made them think the celebs were checked in to the project. I’ve seen nothing but a lot of vacant stares and shirking responsibilities from day one.

They inform the celebs that they still have to work at getting more people into the restaurant, it’s not just about the grand opening. The celebs seem confused at the concept that a restaurant needs customers to stay afloat. They were all under the impression that restaurants just disappear when they leave them. The only reason a restaurant exists is for them to be photographed in front of it.

Throughout the whole explanation, Heidi does her best “puppy dog eyes” to indicate the “who me?” sentiment. Her tactic doesn’t seem to be working because Mike and Lonnie have not awarded her with a gold star yet.

Heidi is still upset that she got yelled at for mingling with the guests last night. To Heidi, being an owner means you get to drink as much as you want at the bar and never have to pay for it.

She then accuses the Dolce Group of not trusting her ability to work a room. Working a room doesn’t mean you get black out drunk and then do you best giggle/throw up exit combination.

Danielle is thrilled that Heidi is getting a wrist slapping. She just sits high up on her pedestal and licks her lips while thinking about how good it would feel to rip through Heidi’s jugular and hang her body in a tree outside the restaurant to let everybody know who owns this restaurant. Danielle owns this restaurant, Danielle the she-beast.

Heidi opens up to Ashley about how much she has been slighted in the competition, while Ashley continues to send texts to her dozens of johns and Eliots. I’m so glad that they have about as much respect for each other as I have for them.

Jake opens up his trusty ol’ Eagle Scout handbook and looks up how to bring in customers make people like you. His answer: Flyers! Jake, this isn’t a battle of the bands.

Even though we all know that Vinnie failed at his one job of maintaining the bar, Vinnie doesn’t seem to know it yet. He still ambling around trying to sell chairs that nobody wants in order to get some more money for stuff he really needs like bananas.

Heidi resorts to drinking herself stupid. Well, stupider than the normal amount of stupidity that’s her baseline.

She takes to the streets screeching at people to go to the lemon basket. I don’t know how this is a safer option for her than tweeting about her location.  I feel like flailing about on a public sidewalk is bound to attract at least a handful of rapists.

Danielle continues to sit up high upon her pedestal just waiting for her chance to strike. Although, Heidi might end up short-circuiting her brain from all the thinking she’s doing and Danielle won’t have to do a thing.

Jake is ready to give up on ever getting his “Get People to the Restaurant” badge. How is he ever going to fill up his badge vest? He only needs two more and then he gets to go to the Eagle Scout Convention at Walt Disney World in Florida.

The moment of truth has arrived and I can’t wait to see how little money these celebs pull in. Within moments, they are already making negative dollars because Heidi is just handing out free Heidi Drinks to all the customers. Someone needs to explain to her how money works and why we need it.

Surprisingly enough, people actually follow Ashley on twitter and do what she tweets them to do. This is just more proof that people are like lemmings and they all just want to jump off cliffs or eat really bad overpriced food while D-list celebs pretend to care about you.

Heidi is handing out shots like candy and Vinnie is sweating it. He finally decides to cut her off and whines to his bar staff about how awful Heidi is. They all agree with him and I join in on that agreement. Although, I don’t think it’s fair to judge someone who clearly has special needs like Heidi does.

At the end of the night, Mike and Lonnie have their little pow wow with the celebs to announce who won the gold star for the night. DJ Paul is pulling in all the peeps with Jake and his handy dandy flyers coming in second. Heidi brought in 11 people, but only 7 of them ate, the rest of them were busy accepting free drinks the whole night. Vinnie brought in 1 person and a whole lot of Italian anger.

Vinnie’s pissed because Mike and Lonnie are getting on his case about his failure of a bar and the fact that he isn’t exploiting his status as a celebrity to get people into the restaurant. He doesn’t want to be talked to like he’s a failure even if he is clearly failing at the only tasks he’s been given. He just wants to fail in peace, without anyone pointing out his flaws.

Mike and Lonnie move on to start picking on Heidi for not tweeting her location when Vinnie interrupts with his super important announcement; “I’m not taking care of the bar no more!” He then storms out of the restaurant, never to be seen from again. Great! That means the Dolce Group only has 5 more celebs to get rid of before they can retrieve all the money they lost. You’re just making their job easier Vinnie.

Danielle will kill do anything to be partner and tonight’s the night she will prove it. She seems to know all the train wreck celebs within a 5-mile radius of the restaurant. This makes Danielle oh so proud.

Ashley’s boyfriend shows up and she immediately latches on to him like a baby monkey. Everywhere he goes she is either hanging off him or rubbing his junk, just like a baby monkey.

It’s almost time for The Dolce Group to announce who they want as a partner and Danielle admits that she is feeling “a little bit of stress”. We can’t see it though because every muscle in her face and chest is frozen.

Mike and Lonnie tell Jake he’s not the partner they are looking for. They are just not in the market for a new golden retriever of a man that they still have to potty train.

Heidi is also not what they are looking for because she’s a selfish bitch and wasn’t willing to pimp out her celebrity and beach security to win this competition.

Now it’s down to Ashley, Danielle and DJ Paul; if Ashley wins, I am absolutely going to go into hooking.

Thank god Ashley lost! I was really not looking forward to having paid sex with old gross senators.

Mike and Lonnie choose DJ Paul and he is so happy he now has a business card. He’s never had one of those before. Danielle is trying to feel sadness but the botox is stopping her. Before she can force the tears out, Mike and Lonnie announce a twist: A second partner!

The big bad witch won as the second partner. I have lost all faith in the world and I refuse to eat at the Lemon Basket, even though I am dying to order that mac n’ cheese they keep talking about. Maybe I’ll just order delivery…