Famous Food: Ashley Dupre was a Hooker?!!?!?!!

The celebs have an Ashley-hatin’ forum with moderators, Lonnie and Mike, and drama fuel fine wine. Lonnie and Mike make sure that they are impartial judges stirring up drama to make for some quality reality TV.

God bless the editors of this show for splicing together the scene where Danielle claims they addressed the situation of Ashley leaving to bone the brains out of some dude in New York calmly and the scene where DJ Paul threatens her life. But, to be fair, in Danielle’s world, this is a calm approach. Usually when she’s angry she morphs into a dragon like Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty, skewers her prey with her wicked long talons and roasts her victim with her fiery breath as she laughs her evil laugh.

Lonnie and Mike are just calculating the profits of the increased ratings from the death threat brawl. Eeeeeex-cel-lent!

On to the happy moment of the show: It’s like the beginning of a horror film where there is a group of friends who want to open a restaurant together and there’s happy music playing in the background. Everybody is excited about the new paint they have picked out and the endless possibilities they have envisioned for their new venture. But some thing’s wrong. Ashley has not been back since the whole “death threat incident”. And then Danielle reveals they only have 20 days until the restaurant opens! AAAAAAHAHHHHHHH! Oh, that’s not a mask. Regardless, I will definitely have nightmares.

Scott, the designer, comes in with his proposed floor plan for the restaurant and the celebs are just baffled by the arrangement of the tables. He has placed 2 enormous tables in the middle of the restaurant and the celebs find themselves betwixt and between emotions. The tables can’t be separated? How are people going to sit at these tables? What are the tables made of? Did they decide to be tables or were they forced to by some unknown higher power? Have the tables considered Scientology? Will my nose melt if I get too close to the tables of truth?

Ashley’s Back and she’s carrying a coffee!!!! How come every celebrity you see is always carrying a cup of coffee? Is the cup of coffee the new Chihuahua in a bag? Actually, they’re going retro now because it started with the coffee, then the Chihuahua and now we’re back to coffee. I guess Ashley doesn’t have a Chihuahua.

It seems Ashley has returned with some shocking news: She used to be an escort. AND you can find out all about it on the internet! Whore-or of all horrors! Since when did this happen? All the celebretards thought she was on the show because of her ability to hold a coffee and talk at the same time!

Everyone gives nods of sympathy for Ashley’s plight, except Danielle. She is PISSED that Ashley has stolen precious minutes of screen time from her. Those are minutes she will never get back. Never.

Lonnie and Mike gather the kids around in a circle of trust and have them share how their feelings by passing around the sharing rock. Once all the feelings have been aired out, for the thousandth time in 8 days, they move on to a discussion about the “problem” tables. The celebretards weren’t the only ones in a state of consternation over these huge tables in Scott’s floor plan. Lonnie and Mike are beside themselves with grief over the loss of seats. All Lonnie and Mike can see are dollar signs. Anyone who takes these dollar signs away from them is considered to be a villain. Scott is now the villain and the celebretatrds are tasked with bringing the villain down before he can take away any more dollar signs from the Dolce Group.

Danielle revels in the chaos that the design team has created in allowing their designer to go willy nilly with his floor plan. She’s now going to show her superior skills by manhandling the menu: She is making Chef Greg follow HER recipes. If she wants her recipes to be used so badly, she should just put on an apron and cook them herself. Oh wait, she can’t be next to a fryer because she will melt.

Seeing as how she can’t be in the kitchen, Danielle is making do by taking over in the design department. But wait, what is this? DJ Paul is stepping up to the plate and giving Scott a healthy dose of shut the hell up and listen to me honky. He then goes on to call Scott out on his hustling bullshit and for once he’s totally correct. It just goes to show that if you keep claiming everyone is a hustler, you might just be right one day.

Once Scott leaves with his tail between his legs, Vinnie takes it upon himself to sell whatever is in storage and on his wife’s fingers.  He is met with an epic fail and a lesson in “selling things” from Lonnie.  Apparently you can’t just sell 20 uncovered banquettes by sitting in a lawn chair and holding a sign no matter how famous un-famous you are.

Chef Greg puts the menu team to work in the kitchen and Three 6 Mafia is astounded to see what a kitchen looks like. The chef thinks that the other teammates are left out so he invites everyone to join. Ashley is excited because she likes to eat everything in sight but Heidi is terrified of food. The thinks if she touches food she will get fat and then what will Spencer think of her?

Artist’s rendering of the alleged chair.

The drama with Scott continues as he orders chairs that are $400 each. The team freaks out as Scott keeps buying more and more things without telling them. Scott then tells them it’s going to be more expensive each time he has to say more than 5 words to them. I absolutely agree. Those are minutes you will never get back. You may as well charge for them.

Then DJ Paul decides to make nice with Ashley. He’s still hoping to hit it.

Lonnie and Mike are back because they see their $150,000 just flying away on a breeze. Danielle throws the design team under the bus claiming they fucked everything up by not stepping up. Surprisingly, I agree. It makes me sad to align with someone so evil, but these guys are totally pussing out on this design business. Jake has proven that his balls have disappeared and he bears no resemblance to a man aside from his rugged and ripped exterior.

Now it is time for Danielle to shine! She reveals to the group her “eclectic” menu that can’t decide on a genre of food so it offers all of them. When Jake’s balls finally drop and he speaks his mind about the shitty menu, the claws come out. It seems that Danielle would rather Jake be yummy eye candy than a man. She self-soothes by picturing Jake with his shirt off hammering her over and over and over again.

Danielle excuses herself like a lady because 2 of the cast members have “pissed her off today”.  She should be thrilled. This is the smallest amount of people that have pissed her off in a day ever..

Lonnie and Mike are back again! These guys just won’t leave the team alone! The menu is being put to the test and Danielle is on edge. Lonnie wants more salad on the menu and Mike thinks they are waaaaaaay behind, as per usual. AND there’s no MVP today. I can’t believe I just wasted an hour of my life for no MVP!

Those are 60 minutes I will never get back.

Tune in next time to see how many more people will piss off Danielle!