Famous Food: Face Needle Orgasm!!

The show starts off with a bang as the celebs try to choose a logo for their restaurant. They point to a logo with the basket, then they point to a logo without the basket, then they point to the logo with a basket again. It’s very clear why they chose this as their opening sequence; it’s riveting stuff. It’s so relaxing it just puts me right to sl…

I wake up to see Danielle trying to manipulate Chef Greg into accepting Chef Clark as his sous chef. She stretched her evil grinchlike lips into a crooked smile and then rewarded herself with a trip to the fountain of youth; the botox doctor. Danielle at the botox doctor is the happiest I have ever seen anyone in the history of television. I swear the only way Danielle can achieve orgasm is if a needle is in her face and she can’t feel it.

(Note to readers: This is dangerous.  Please don’t try to have orgasm like this at home)

As Danielle is pleasing her ladyparts, Lonnie and Mike call the celebretards to remind them that in addition to an ugly overpriced bench, a restaurant needs a menu and all they have right now is chicken scratch with a few shitty Italian recipes scribbled in. Instead of having sex home wrecking sleeping, Ashley spends her night putting together an actual menu. Ashley could put together an entire menu in one sex-deprived night that Danielle couldn’t manage in over a week of mulling over her own dog food Italian food recipes.  If we could have stopped all of America’s prostitutes from having sex for a full week we would have colonized Mars by now.

Once the on-night menu is done, the group calls Chef Greg in to go over it with them and he is thrilled that there are no “Ala Danielle” dishes in it. Heidi, Ashley and Jake just want to rid the restaurant of any sign of Danielle, so they begin the mutiny against Chef Clark.

Jake goes one step further by trying to take initiative in solving the problem of paying the sign guy and Danielle is furious. When she got the call from Jake about paying the sign guy, she was getting her daily botox injection and Mama doesn’t like to be interrupted when she’s getting her muscles frozen. Then, he has the nerve to ask her for the checkbook?! This pretty boy is crossing the line. If he doesn’t take his shirt off for her soon, she’s going to skewer him like Madea on holiday.

Since Danielle won’t hand over the checkbook because she needs to use it for “miscellaneous expenditures”, the gang decides to go around her and ask the bank for new checks. This is the turning point in the series where the underlings first realize they are able to overthrow the wicked boss lady and get things done without her. By the end of the season she will be dead and Heidi and Ashley will be dancing around in brightly colored skirts giggling and holding lollipops.

Ashley gets everyone’s approval on her classy laminated menu and she’s prouder than the very first day she got assigned to a fuck sesh with Eliot Spitzer.

While everyone is riding high in their menu success balloon, the fire marshal enters with some very bad news: They Failed!! They are not allowed to cook in the kitchen until they get everything up to code. How is Chef Clark going to be able to cook all those fabulous Danielle dishes.

Jake comes to the rescue making a phone call that will save the kitchen and make it possible for all of Danielle’s dishes to be consumed by no one.

The design team then reveals the new menu to the menu team and DJ Paul is teed-off! Juicy J calms him down by telling him “This is what people in California eat! I wouldn’t eat it, but skinny Cali bitches eat this up! Maybe just a bite, but they won’t even touch the other greasy bullshit on the other menu. Aw, who we kiddin’! No one in Cali eats. Opening a restaurant was a poor choice.”

The second Danielle walks in Dj Paul tells on the design team. “Ooooohhhhh! They changed your menuuuuuuuu! Ooooooooohhhhhh!” And his declaration elicits the desired response from Danielle: rage.

Danielle spews out all her conspiracy theories about how everyone is going against her and the world is out to get her and she’s just an innocent little lamb who keeps getting caught in these unfortunate situations that she does not deserve to be in, no, not in a million years. She would not wish this behavior on her worst enemy, except maybe Ashley.

Then her rage moves on to Chef Greg for not wanting to work with Chef Clark. How could he not want to work with Chef Clark? Chef Clark is so amazing. And she knows just how Danielle likes it. And if Chef Greg doesn’t want to work with her he must be a poor leader because he doesn’t know a good sous chef when he sees one.

But the ball has already begun rolling with the mutiny against Danielle and the Chef takes this opportunity to give a helping of shut the fuck up.

Once Danielle has her ass handed to her, she storms off with Three 6 Mafia and begins her roast on the rest of the group. Her act is a cross between Lisa Lampanelli and a ranting homeless man.

When she feels like she has sufficiently made fun of all the celebretards, Danielle puts on her smart people glasses and gets to work on the menu, which is due in 28 minutes.  She then asks DJ Paul what goes on a menu.  We should give her a break though; menus are a lot more complicated than operating a handheld camera while filming yourself sexing New Jersey construction workers.

Lonnie and Mike are finally here! Now for the serious business talk. According to Danielle, Chef Clark was magically hired at some point and now everyone else is throwing her under the bus; especially Ashley with her “one-day” menu. How dare she show up Danielle’s week long chicken scratch menu with a clean coherent laminated menu that Chef Greg believes in?!

Mike and Lonnie are impressed and give Ashley a gold star for the day! Now Ashley can take a trip to the treat box!