In Hollywood, A-List celebrity restaurants are the hottest thing right now. B-List celebrity restaurants are the second hottest thing right now and D-List celebrity restaurants are the lukewarmest thing right now.
The Dolce Group, Lonnie Moore and Mike Malin, is well-known for opening up celebrity restaurants and turning them into hotspots, but what they really need is a challenge: Tasking some of Hollywood’s douchiest celebretards with re-vamping a restaurant.
Lonnie and Mike say that what they are truly looking for is one good celebrity who will “roll up his or her sleeves and really do the work”, but instead they enlisted the help of 7 dysfunctional pseudo-celebs. I’m not sure if 7 struggling D-List celebs equals 1 fantastic celeb who is willing to do work, but I do know that time and money will be wasted and they will be lucky if they manage not to light themselves on fire.
First to arrive on the scene is Three 6 Mafia, DJ Paul and Juicy J, rolling up in their Rolls Royce with the top down and their Playboy bunny chauffer. This high class lady is earning major points in the feminist movement by driving ridiculous men around in a leotard and heels, giving them BJs and opening doors for them. What a gentlemanlady.
You may remember Three 6 Mafia from their impressive Academy Award win for Hustle and Flow, a sophisticated film about a pimp in a mid-life crisis becoming a successful hip-hop emcee. Also known as the life story of every successful hip-hop emcee today.
DJ Paul says that they are interested in opening up this restaurant because they are foodies, as evidenced by the giant grill in his mouth. Zing!
Last year, they attempted to film a cooking show pilot called Cookin’ Ain’t Easy where they show confused white women how to cook with loud noises and violent knife moves; like Rachel Ray with tattoos and guns. Since every network including public access passed on their pilot, they have realized that they can no longer ride the wave of hype that their 2005 Academy Award win provided them.
Next we meet Ashley Dupre, The Best Little Whorehouse in New York. She achieved her D-List fame by having sexual relations with Eliot Spitzer, now that’s a career you can hang your hat on.
Realizing that at 26 years old, she can’t depend on her slutty ways to take her through life anymore, Ashley has decided to humiliate herself even further by signing on to the show. The good news is, she can’t get any lower than she is right now, unless she goes to Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.
She wants us to know that she is more than just an escort; she’s a hostess at a restaurant. Standing at the front of a restaurant makes her the most qualified candidate to partner with The Dolce Group in opening a new restaurant.
As soon as Ashley walks in, Three 6 Mafia is grinning ear to ear telling Ashley about the butt-naked photo they have of her in their recording studio that they use for masturbation inspiration.
Jake Pavelka, the 14th Bachelor, arrives for his second chance at fame with a shitty reality show. It’s astounding to me that there have been more than 14 Bachelors at this point. When is America going to learn that these guys are NEVER going to marry and they will just continue to get paid to bone a bunch of desperate ladies?
Jake is an Airline Pilot by day and a reality TV whore by night. He thinks that he should run this restaurant because he has the smarts the business savvy tons of restaurant experience a way with the ladies.
Danielle Staub, from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, arrives and says that her personality is outgoing. If by outgoing she means vindictive, bitchy, selfish, stupid, loud, full of botox and collagen, plastic, obnoxious woman who forgets that she is a mother with two young girls to raise, then yes, she’s outgoing.
Once Danielle comes to the table, Ashley is relieved and tells us that she knows she is going to make some really great friends here. Has she seen any of The Real Housewives of New Jersey episodes? And if she doesn’t think that the second she lets her guard down Three 6 Mafia is going to mount her like a pack of wild hyenas, she is sadly mistaken.
You've got something right...here.
Ashley’s new group of besties expands with the arrival of Vincent Pastore of The Sopranos. Vincent is the only legitimate actor in the bunch, having done a successful scripted show for 6 seasons. How far he has fallen.
Vincent is not just an actor; he’s been involved in the “nightclub industry” for about 20 years. He claims that the only way he knows how to do business is by “slipping someone an envelope.” Someone needs to get over having played a mobster on TV. Chances this guy goes to sleep every night listening to Don’t Stop Believin’ and fading his lights to black? 100%
Plastic surgery: It's my plastic surgery and I can cry if I want to, except I can't.
Then the poster child for plastic surgery arrives, Heidi Montag. Since when did she drop the Pratt? Trouble in paradise?
Heidi claims that we know her as a pop-culture phenomenon, but I know her as a wide-eyed yokel who bought the whole Hollywood package hook line and sinker and proceeded to turn herself into an ugly plastic plaything for the nasty flesh-bearded Colonel Douche Pratt (Spencer) and remove any hint of emotion or feeling or sign that she may be human.
Since surgery did not kill her, she wants to kill her career with yet another reality show that will prove her status as a vapid fembot.
With all the celebretards present, the real brainstorming begins. Danielle suggests they have a celebrity chef and Heidi says, “Oh like Benihanas” not two seconds after she tells us she wants to prove that she’s not just another good-looking face a plastic Barbie a dum dum.
Lonnie and Mike show up to explain the competition to the “celebs”; they want someone who won’t be a passive partner and can really jump in and help the new restaurant get off the ground. They are barking up the wrong tree with this bunch. The only thing The Dolce Group will get out of this ragtag bunch is a recipe for disaster. Zing.
The celebretards arrive one by one to the new restaurant space and are incredibly disappointed to find that the restaurant isn’t all done and that they have a lot of work to do.
They have 28 days and $150,000 to get this place up and running. As Lonnie and Mike go through the list of things to do, the celebs decide that this isn’t really something they were hoping to do. They just kinda thought they had to get in a bunch of fights and talk shit about people behind their backs.
As soon as Lonnie and Mike hand over the checkbook the shit hits the fan. It’s like a herd of angry elephants fighting over the last peanut. Of course these money-hungry attention whores are going to fight over the money. That makes for some good television.
Danielle Staub sinks her claws into the checkbook and won’t let go until they pry it from her dead cold hands, which the rest of the group is not opposed to. She then goes on to say that people in LA don’t want to eat Italian food because everyone has a fear of turning into a fatty like Vincent.
There’s a whole lot of yelling and over talking and absolutely nothing gets accomplished. Only 27 days, 23 hours and 55 minutes to go.
It seems like the only thing anyone can agree on is opening a fusion restaurant. Unfortunately, none of them know what that means. To the best of their knowledge, fusion means fashion. And everybody loves fashion right?
The brilliant minds come together with the incredibly original and creative name for their new fusion restaurant: Fame. The thing they are all selling their souls for.
Ashley’s suggestion of picnic tables in the restaurant is met with a confused silence, but Heidi’s idea of picnic tables bedazzled with rhinestones is met with wild applause and fervent head nods.
Danielle and Heidi go off for a romantic lunch where they plot against the rest of the team and spend a chunk of their budget on “brainstorming business wine”.
The team hits a bump in the road when they find out that their incredibly original name “Fame” has already been trademarked. Shocking. Solution: Fame on Sunset Strip. Brilliance abounds.
Restaurateur Richie Palmer has arrived to help lead his lost flock. Richie is orange. He was born of oompa loompa heritage and has a knack for making sweet treats. Meanwhile, Heidi and Danielle are still throwing back bottles of wine because “It’s wine o’clock ladies!” Somebody has been watching too much Hoda and Kathy Lee.
When Ashley texts Danielle to find out where they are because they are having a meeting Danielle texts back “No, you’re having a meeting.” Zing.
Danielle and Heidi finally stumble upstairs, slurring and silly with gifts of latte for the rest of the team. They are not received well and the spawn of the oopma loompas is uncomfortable.
Vincent and Danielle have wasted day 1 with their constant yelling and bickering. There can be only one hotheaded Italian in this town. I think this would best be solved with a duel.
It’s day 2 and Lonnie and Mike show up to check in on the progress of the group and are less than pleased with what they’ve come up with, “With all due respect, this sucks,” Lonnie’s actual words. So now the celebretards are back to square one and Danielle and Heidi have to have another wine meeting.
Then sweet little Ashley pitches her picnic table idea and The Dolce Group loves it. Take that rhinestone Heidi!
So now the restaurant is named Picnic and Danielle is pissed. How is she going to make a quaint picnic restaurant into a tacky Gotti masterpiece?