Famous Food: The Wicked Witch of New Jersey

Since the celebrities don’t know how to budget, they have to take on some of the labor involved in the remodel. Ashley Dupre uses her feminine wiles to get out of the physical labor, wearing a cute outfit that she can’t “ruin” and promising all the guys BJs.

Now Ashley is copping attitude with Danielle because the Dolce Group liked HER idea and canned Danielle’s idea. She thinks she’s the queen of the celebretards and wears her crown pearl necklace with pride.

Danielle is not about to let her power go that easy. She was once able to win people over with her breasts too and she is not about to stop trying. After an hour of reformatting the plastic that is her face, she is back with renewed confidence and ready to boss everyone around, including Ashley.

Three Six Mafia has had enough of these crazy white people. They now spend their time texting hos and staring off into the distance until the episode is over.

Jake Pavelka is the only one who is actually doing the physically labor, they all promised to do to keep cost down, and Danielle has a massive old lady boner. She cannot stop staring and drooling all over the restaurant and Vinnie has to call in his clean up crew to mop up the lake river ocean of drool.

Lonnie and Mike have to come in to remind the celebs they actually have to do work. This is the lamest Reality TV competition ever! The celebrities forget their goal the second it is told to them and the Dolce Group has to keep checking in to remind them they are opening a restaurant.

Today’s goal: Find a chef.

Heidi steps ALL OVER Danielle’s toes, because her toes are everywhere, and calls every single restaurant in LA, including the head chef at McDonalds, which I believe is the title they give to whoever can thaw 100 nuggets the fastest. The chefs are going to have a chef-off so these incredibly intelligent individuals can use their refined palates to decide whose cuisine is the best.  God I hope this means some bad Japanese overdubs of Danielle.

Chef Greg, Heidi’s favorite, makes some awesome food that everyone is pleased with and Danielle just texts and shoots death glares at Heidi through the entire tasting.

Turns out she was plotting this whole time. The wicked witch of New Jersey went ahead and scheduled all the chefs at the same time to sabotage the chef-off. Danielle will do anything to get what she wants and then complain about why everyone hates her.

Despite Danielle’s efforts, Chef Bradley kills everyone. He makes a shrimp cocktail shooter and cake in a bowl which blows Three 6 Mafia’s minds.

But this doesn’t stop Danielle. She continues her plot against the other chefs by forcing them to cook her nasty-ass pasta, which makes Heidi sick.  Actually, she just slipped some carbs into the dish, which Heidi is “allergic” to, i.e., will make her need to get another liposuction.

The chef that Danielle is hanging her hat on forgets to cook the chicken, which to me is a bad sign. Even the McNugget thawer remembers to have his various mish-mosh of chicken parts put in the microwave for an appropriate amount of time.  But Danielle is so determined to prove that she is correct she looks past it saying, “Well, at least it didn’t make you sick.” On the menu: Salmonella Sticks.

Ashley rewards her hard work “work” with a trip to New York for the weekend and Three 6 Mafia is really disappointed in her. But she needs to get some ass and there are no married men in LA.

Then Danielle and Three 6 Mafia go bargain hunting for baskets, a new obsession of Danielle’s. I’ve learned her strategy in this competition: pick a thing to complain about and keep yelling about it until people say “alright already!” and do whatever you want.

Scott, the interior designer, rains on Danielle’s parade by straight up hatin’ on the glorious piece that will tie the whole restaurant together hideous bench they picked out at a flea market.

Then Vinnie scores big by sort of coming up with a name for the restaurant, he says the word Lemon. The new name is Lemon Basket, which reminds me of lemon party, which is not something anyone between the ages of 0 and 80 should ever be subjected to.

It’s the chef off and everybody is excited to plug his or her choice of chef. Danielle’s chef goes first, because if she doesn’t Danielle will dismember each member of the cast.

Chef Clark makes a heart attack on toast and everyone is appalled. Heidi calls it a donut and Danielle kills her in her mind over and over and over and over again.

Chef Bradley, “The Creative One”, makes pb & j that is balanced precariously on a glass. It’s awesome, but no one says much.

Then Chef Greg comes out with his dish and Mike says “The dipping is fun, the fluff is fun,” he likes his food like his porn.

Danielle is in the corner stewing because Chef Greg used almond butter instead of peanut butter and he should be disqualified. Nobody puts baby in the corner!

Now for the chicken! Danielle’s chef finally cooks the chicken this time, Chef Bradley made chicken lollipops and Heidi keeps drooling over Chef Greg.

The team decides to go with Chef Bradley and tell him what his salary would be, $55k. The chef rightly balks at the price and the Dolce Group is upset that someone did not properly interview the chefs with the salary. Danielle literally shrinks in her chair. Not only did her chef fail, she made it impossible to get a chef with talent. Way to go Danielle. You’re a true restaurateur a true businesswoman a truly evil bitch.

Chef Greg wins because he’s the best chef the most put together the cheapest.

Ashley finally gets back from her romantic weekend her humpfest and is livid about the new bench the team bought. What they should have done send a picture and ask her for an ok, just like she used to with wealthy business men.

You’re a mean one…

This makes DJ Paul so angry he threatens to throw her over the railing of their precious little restaurant. Ashley leaves in a huff and Danielle rubs her hands together, her collagen-injected duck lips spreading into a Grinch-like smile.

A job well-done Danielle! Put your feet up and pour yourself a glass of wine. You deserve it.