Famous Food: Where’s Heidi?

The cast is still reeling from the great loss of Juicy J, who contributed great ideas constant juvenile antics. DJ Paul is hit hardest by the departure and claims he will have his vengeance by “kicking some ass”, just as Juicy would have wanted him to. Paul doesn’t waste any time and commences his ass kicking with the people at the top, Mike and Lonnie.

The ass kicking quickly turns into a stern talking to about Juicy’s feelings. DJ Paul explains that Juicy was feeling frowny face about being fired in front of everybody else. Mike and Lonnie explain that Juicy made them feel scowly face because he cost them thousands of dollars worth of damage. DJ Paul feels confused emotion face as he decides whether or not to go on in the competition without Juicy.

We then reach a resolution as DJ Paul decides to win this for Juicy, because if he wins, it’s like Juicy is winning too. My buddy, my buddy, wherever I go, he goes. My Buddy and me!

Now that Juicy is gone, the true test of the restaurant’s ability can begin!  Mike and Lonnie have decided to have a soft opening so that they can see where mistakes are being made and who is responsible for them. If I know my reality tv plots, I can predict that every celebretard will find a way to fuck up the soft opening in one way or another.

The celebs are all relying on the general manager, Alexis, to do everything because they don’t understand how restaurants work. They only know that food comes out of them and sometimes paparazzi are waiting outside.

Then Jake tries to micromanage Vinnie and is met with blank stares and a whole bunch of double negatives; “Ain’t nobody serviced no guns.”

Vinnie’s one job was to set up the bar and the most he could do was stand there looking like a sleepy gorilla complaining about “sip sticks”, aka straws.

Like a good little Bachelor, Jake-y invited his parents to the soft opening. Cue the “Awwwwwwwwwwww” from every female on couches across America as they dip into their gallon of Cherry Garcia.

The douche parade continues with the other celebretards guest trailing in, each guest douchier than the last.

The food is free so everyone shows up, but the celebs are freaking out because running a restaurant is really hard. Ashley won’t go into the dining room because she is afraid of people, unless the lights are off and she’s wearing a teddy.

The only person who actually knows what he’s doing is Chef Greg. Heidi is so proud of Greg that she rewards him by taking her fragile face outside for a break.  If she stays too close to the burners the only thing that will be left is her bubblegum pink Manolo Blahniks.

The whole restaurant is in a tizzy because Vinnie’s bar is a shoddy operation with a faulty soda gun. All the guests are reluctant to have more than one sip of their specialty drinks for fear they might be poisoned. The male guests don’t need to worry, Vinnie just roofied the female drinks. Except for Jake. If he doesn’t want to have a night of sweaty Italian lovemaking, he should toss that drink into the nearest planter.

Ashley is really proud of herself because she ordered soda from the store when there was none. But she didn’t do it fast enough. Mike and Lonnie are without their precious Diet Cokes! How can they go on filming without their daily dose of Aspartame?

They immediately demand to talk to Vinnie because nobody should have to live without Diet Coke for more than 45 minutes. Vinnie yawns his sleepy gorilla yawn and explains to the caffeine-deprived restaurateurs that he doesn’t know how to fix soda guns and he really needs to get back to his nap.

While this is happening, even more people are getting angry and now the wait staff is upset. It’s not their fault the restaurant is totally disorganized and has none of the things listed on the menu. One of the waitresses, Abigail, is crying and Danielle feels the need to be motherly to her. I’m concerned about what this may mean for Abigail and am tempted to cry out to save the poor girl. But then I remind myself that none of this is real.

Danielle finds out that Heidi’s PR team made Abigail cry and immediately tells on Heidi. Since Heidi is still on her break, Ashley tries to fix the situation by going over to the table to see what the problem is. The two hippos that make up Heidi’s PR team are upset about the quality of the food and aren’t afraid to express their displeasure for the cameras. Of course it’s Heidi’s PR team that causes the drama. It seems like Spencer Pratt gave them a pep talk before sending them off to cause some emotional damage. Hippo #1 talks about how much she hates everything that was put in front of her and laughs about how ridiculous it is that she actually has to cut meat before putting it in her mouth. She should just be able to Hoover it right up, like she does with all the rest of her meals.

Ashley runs over to Mike and Lonnie to tell them the news. They are just beside themselves and cranky as all hell because they STILL haven’t received their Diet Cokes.

Heidi finally comes back from her break and everyone is relieved that she is going to handle this situation with her two hungry hungry hippos. Instead, she ignores the rude comments, says “Well I’m glad everybody had a good time” and then announces she’s going to leave while Ashley stands there dumbfounded.

Mike and Lonnie are still upset about the lack of soda and are complaining about how awful the mojitos are. This has to be the longest time they have gone without a Diet Coke. They should submit this to the Guinness Book of World Records.

In the midst of his caffeine withdrawal, Lonnie decides to wake the sleepy gorilla and demand to know where his fucking Diet Coke is. Jostled from his happy nap, Vinnie is disturbed by the attack and angrily stalks over to the other corner of the restaurant.

The douche parade leaves and Mike and Lonnie sit the celebretards down and explain to them how they can never withhold Diet Coke from them again. They are especially cheesed off about Heidi’s hippos and the spectacle they put on for the camera. Heidi defends them because they are her hippos, and she knows what happens when hippos get angry.

The next morning, Danielle and Vinnie find themselves alone at the restaurant and decide to discuss their favorite topic: Alcohol. Vinnie claims that he had problems with alcohol in the 80’s but was able to kick the habit by going into acting and Danielle is impressed. She even goes as far as saying that Vinnie is a lot like her, which is the highest compliment Danielle can give a person. I don’t see it. Danielle is like a rabid fight dog who doesn’t know when to let go of an opponents neck and Vinnie is like a gorilla who just wants a couple dozen bananas and then he can doze for the next two days.

The other celebretards start to amble in and deliberate on who is going to start the next fight. Heidi still hasn’t shown up. It looks like her break has extended into the next day.

Ashley is busy with arts and crafts, which is just her fucking up all the high-end paintings with crayola washable paints. The result looks like what happens during arts and crafts time in a mental hospital.

Heidi comes in complaining about a headache and the only cure is more Heidi. She loves the specialty drink named after her and goes on to tell all the celebretards how they totally need to drink a Heidi because it’s the best thing ever. The best thing about a Heidi: It wipes your brain of any semblance of a rational thought.

Now everyone is in a scramble for the grand opening; the opening that has exactly 0 reservations. Mike and Lonnie are incredibly upset about this because the only reason they are dealing with all these ass clowns is so that they could fill the seats with their “fame”.  Heidi explains that she told her tech guy to tweet about it, but he hasn’t yet. Good help is so hard to find these days.

Mike and Lonnie are floored that someone is managing Heidi’s twitter account for her. I’m not. How else is she going to find time to take breaks? She can’t do it if she’s tweeting and botoxing all the time.

All the celebs are left dumbfounded as to how twitter works and how putting up a tweet could possibly get butts in seats. Jake is the most confused one of the bunch. He needs to just sit on the sidewalk holding a rose with his shirt off, then ladies will be fighting their way inside.

Heidi is confident that her appearance on George Lopez tonight will bring in customers for the grand opening. Lopez airs at 11pm and the restaurant opens at 7pm. Heidi doesn’t know how time works.

The Grand Opening is here!! Danielle is off and running telling everyone to order a Daniellini…or else. She is so proud of herself for putting drinks on the table until Heidi comes back talking about her exciting day on Lopez tonight.  Danielle gives Heidi her best death glare.

Heidi then decides that the best way she can help her fellow celebretards is by taking up a whole table with her security guards. When Ashley asks for the table because they have actual customers coming in, Heidi denies her request because “if the security guards leave, I have to leave.” Heidi seems to be under the impression that a lot of stalkers are out to get her and has no idea that nobody in their right mind would follow her around unless she paid them. Maybe she’s hired a team of stalkers for her to “run away” from.

Just when a table clears up DJ Paul tries to snake it from Ashley to accommodate his playboy bunnies. When Ashley intervenes DJ Paul reminds her of the power of the poon and she retreats, respectfully nodding.

Everybody is patting themselves on the back for actually getting customers into their restaurant and Heidi rewards herself by leaving. Before she goes, she parades through the restaurant like a princess who is leaving the kingdom, expecting kisses and gifts.

Mike and Lonnie are truly impressed with Danielle and her money-grubbing ways. Who knew that being a greedy bitch is actually an asset in the restaurant business?

Lonnie notices that Heidi has left early yet again and stares vacantly at the other celebretards for an explanation.  Receiving equally blank stares, he moves on to tell the celebs they made $2,200, which is hardly any money. DJ Paul gets the gold star tonight because his guests brought in at least $1,700 of it.

Their goal for tomorrow: $5,000. Looks like Ashley is going to have to put on her good ol’ uniform and get to “entertaining” the guests.

Tune in next week to see if the celebretards can reach their goal!