Famous Food: Who Gets the Gold Star Today?

The Lemon Basket sign is finally going up and Vinnie is happy because “People won’t identify the space as Ketchup anymore, they’re going to identify it as Lemon Basket”.  As a Los Angeles driver, I can personally tell you that no one in LA gives a shit what that space is identified as. The only thing we’re concerned about identifying is the asshole who just cut us off in the 2012 Beamer.

Ever the conversationalist, Vinnie decides to chitchat with one of the Latino workers putting up the sign while he eats a ginormous sandwich. “Senor! Green card? Yes? Green card? Policia-boom- vamoose back to Mexico! We don’t need that shit today.” You know, pleasant racist conversation.

As all the celebs gather to talk about the restaurant who’s pissing them off most, Jake tells Danielle she looks pretty today. Smooth move Jakey! Aligning with the evil force that has risen from the coals, that’ll get you to at least 3^rd place in the competition.

Before the celebs can even get situated in their favorite trash-talking positions, the fire marshal comes in for the Ansul test and Jake jumps up like an over-eager golden retriever. The kitchen finally passes the test and Jake begins his celebration dance–but wait! They need to turn in the permits in order to continue the construction. Jake’s over-eager stare immediately turns into a glazed over stare as all thoughts leave his mind in a panic.

Since Jake had an epic fail in providing the permits, the whole place has been redtagged and none of the construction can continue. Cue sad trombone noise.

Mike and Lonnie come up with a brilliant plan: Make the celebs come and work for a night in their restaurant Geisha House. They believe that the celebs will learn every aspect of the business with this hands-on experience.

Ashley immediately excuses herself because she been in the business of “servicing” people for years and doesn’t need more experience. Plus she has to service her own lady parts this weekend. Then Juicy J follows in her footsteps claiming he has “to get the party started” in the confessional and by telling the members of his team that he had some “family issues come up”. This gives Heidi the opportunity to try out her “supportive/concerned” face she’s been working so hard on.

Now it’s time to get these celebs working! Mike introduces all the employees to the celebretards and Heidi applauds every name like an overexcited seal. “This is Ashley.” “ASHLEEEEEEEY! Awr! Awr!”

Jake is paired up with the hostess to learn everything there is to know about seating people. When the hostess makes a mistake imputing something into the computer, Jake jumps on the opportunity to flirt, “Am I making you nervous?” Gross Jake! Get over yourself! What a cheesy line you ridiculous pointy-faced man. Thankfully the hostess is just as sassy as I am and responded with “Keep dreaming.” I’m glad to see that girls of the 2000’s have some modicum of sense.

I think Heidi is confused about how work works. She thinks being a waitress means taking shots with the customers. If she doesn’t have fun how will the customers have fun? This is Geisha House not Dave and Buster’s. People want their food.

Just as the celebs are getting used to their positions, Mike and Lonnie switch it up and now DJ Paul is trying out his best moves on the hostess. He has the same amount of success as Jake, none success.

Heidi further miscomprehends the concept of working as she does her best an impression of Cocktails, throwing alcohol all over the place.

On to the next challenge: Morning! To aid him in the battle against morning time, Juicy J pulls out his trusty ol’ bottle of gin.

Lonnie pulls Ashley aside to chastise her about all the ass she’s been getting on the weekends. When you’re opening a restaurant there is no time for ass. Plus he’s really jealous because he hasn’t been laid in years.

Next up on the chastising list is Juicy J. Lonnie informs J that he has done nothing in terms of helping with the restaurant. Juicy J does not apologize for anything. In fact, Lonnie should apologize to Juicy J for disrespecting Juicy J.

Moving on! The celebs meet at a bar to create the drink menu, but that’s not all that happens there. Danielle decides to meddle in Juicy J’s business because she claims she cares about him and that he is a genius and he can blow it by acting a mess. To which Juicy J nods and sips some more “power juice” from his “water bottle”.

Then Heidi makes a spectacle by bringing in the most obnoxious display of flowers and balloons to honor Ashley on her birthday. Ashley seems touched but I would be repulsed by the tacky butterfly balloon Heidi brought in. What is she, 5?

Lonnie and Mike have a mixologist create drinks with the celebrities. This is going to take hours based on their track record. The mixologist is trying so hard to move this process along, bless her heart.

The first drink made was creatively named The Heidi. It’s a drink that Heidi says she would definitely order from a restaurant. Of course you would you narcissitic attention whore.

Next up is Vinnie’s drink. Vinnie tries to get in on the mixing and the mixologist chastises him on not pouring the appropriate amount of alcohol into the cup. They argue about who’s right for a while and then measure to find out. Turns out Vinnie is one cheap bastard. His drink is the Tequila Passion.

DJ Paul has his heart set on a sangria so they create a “Nights Like This Sangria” just for him. Juicy J finally has a chance to make his drink and he couldn’t be more excited. Instead of sneaking shots of gin from the bar, now he can enjoy his mixed drink in the wide open. His drink: The Trippy Mane Drink.

Jake is up next and he is not pleased with his drink, claiming it tastes like “Kaka”. It’s good to see his vocabulary is growing.

The mixologist mixes another one and gets the stamp of approval from Jakey. His drink is called The First Date. Get it? Because he was The Bachelor?

Danielle finally gets her turn and creates, or lets the mixologist create her drink, The Daniellini. It’s just poison in a glass.

Ashley decides on a Watermelon Mojito as her signature drink, but refuses to drink it because she wants to save herself for her john boyfriend.

In their next meeting with Mike and Lonnie, they spring a pop quiz on the celebretards. All the celebs are livid at The Dolce Group for making them use their brains to retain information, something they have never had to do before.

Juicy J just yells words over and over again thinking that his somehow helps The Dolce Group. He then further “helps” the group by trying to do “the Boardwalk” on the restaurant table. Heidi is terrified because of her “fragile” face. Thousands and thousands of dollars went into turning that face into the monster-piece it is today and she doesn’t want it to get ruined.

Mike and Lonnie pull Juicy J and DJ Paul aside to tell them they are failing. Juicy can’t stop talking, tells them they need to enter Juicy’s world and then leaves to go pee. Now that they are alone with DJ Paul, they tell him he needs to dump the deadweight that is Juicy J. DJ Paul doesn’t know what to do and has to think about it for a while. I hope he doesn’t hurt himself.

Danielle steps in yet again to talk to Juicy as a “concerned friend”, but really she just wants more camera time. She ‘s come to realize that J is getting a lot of attention for his behavior and she taken to hanging out with him so she can ride his coattails of alcoholism.

Juicy tells us that he’s “always useful” as he’s throwing fragile items into the back of the car. At least he’s throwing them in there with flair.

Ashley claims that there is “something she needs to deal with” and she can’t be around the other celebretards right now. They all put on their most concerned faces and agree that it must be something serious if Ashley is leaving because Ashley NEVER leaves.

The rest of the gang meets Mike and Lonnie at a wine bar. It seems to me this may be a setup to get Juicy J to drink again so that they can throw him out of the group in a ploy to get higher ratings.

Lonnie says that Ashley is very disappointing because she keeps leaving the group. Danielle jumps at the chance to make Ashley look bad so she calls her up and puts her on speakerphone so Mike and Lonnie can hear what a liar she is.

DJ Paul is quick to point out a flub on Ashley’s part: She claimed she needed to leave due to a family emergency that came up today, but she informed them that she would be leaving early yesterday. How can you predict a family emergency? Boom! says DJ Paul. The D stands for Detective.

Danielle licks her collagen chops like a satisfied botox lioness.

When Mike and Lonnie try to put Juicy J on the chopping block, Danielle jumps in to defend her little cub and Mike and Lonnie retreat.

Gold star goes to Danielle today!