I hear dead people
Hi, Gasmi!! BedBug here, with a short ‘n’ sloppy mini-cap of Fashion Star. I promise to post a full account of the evening’s shenanigans by tomorrow night, but right now I am struggling to recover my emotional equilibrium. And get the scent of mothballs out of my nose.
After some BS from Elle about the ah-maaaazing designs we saw last week, the show begins with a spotlight on some of the designers who got completely shafted last episode.
We start with the vintage-inspired Lisa Vian Hunter — who apparently runs her own clothing store and funeral parlor back home — wrestling with a hideous swatch of black and white fabric as she confides that she hears voices, more specifically, the voice of Audrey Hepburn. “If Audrey likes it, I’m going with it,” she says firmly. Yikes. When John V tries to get her to consider dropping the neckline (it’s “old-looking” the way it is, he tells her bluntly), she is completely stricken with mortification and terror. “That doesn’t SCARE you?” she bleats. “No, does it scare YOU?” he asks, reasonably. LOLOL. His suggestion really blows her mind, but she gets to work anyway, shaking her head at the zaniness of it all (‘That’s wild! WIld...”) She’s probably not used to designing for anyone with a pulse. To her credit, she may have been just trying to conceal the wattles of the weathered crone for whom she was tailoring the dress. And to JV’s credit, she sells this depressing garment after her showcase, so yay for both of them, I guess.
A diplomatic Nicole RIchie remarks that Lisa seems to be very comfortable with the “classy, sophisticated older crowd,” but needs to “appeal to a younger audience.” LOL. I’ll say! Well, actually I would say that she’s a disturbing frump who missed her calling as a taxidermist, but I’m not a Mentor.
What’s up with this tactful and articulate Nicole Richie anyway? What happened to “That’s hot?!” She’s been domesticated. Or heavily medicated. Or something.
Next we get to see Ronnie Escalante, who stares unnervingly into the camera and says, in the most sober and serious way imaginable, that he hopes his clothes don’t suck too much. Or something, I have to confess, when someone places that much unnatural emphasis on every word, dropping them like ponderous pearls of wisdom from on high, I tend to tune out. On the other hand, whisper “This is off the record,” or “Please don’t repeat this,” and I won’t miss a syllable,
After that, we get Kara, the rabbity blonde who puzzled the fashion world with her “neck accessories” last week. Today, she’s a self-proclaimed “nervous wreck.” Wow, these designers are a fun group. Her appearance starts out with a flashback to last week’s episode, in which she faced the wrath of the Buyers and Mentals alike because she draped some thin strips of fabric — otherwise known as “ties,” come to think of it – around her models’ necks. The Mentors and Buyers went nuts on her: She’s self-indulgent! Odd! A one-trick pony! A lazy wench! So now this poor, flushed, harried headcase is stressing out about the necessity of knowing how to design “full garments” for “real women.” As opposed to designing bikinis for androids and mannequins, I guess. What did she think she was getting into here?
So it’s pretty clear that Kara has to do something sensational tonight to not go home. And the only way to find out if she rises to the occasion is… to read my full recap!
That’s not really true. You could watch it on YouTube or something. But you should read my recap, because some of the designers cut loose with some bizarre shit, and I’m happy to run it down for you. For example, in a salute to Barbara Bates’ tits-on-hips fashion statement, Ronnie Escalante crafts a little mouth-like incision on the backs of his outfits that opens and closes at disturbingly regular intervals. Go figure: He’s got these interesting colors, intriguing elements, good craftsmanship, and then he goes and puts a little gullet in the small of his models’ backs. Designers be crazy!
And: Oscar Fiasco, trying to tone down his technicolor lunacy, offers up a black Hefty bag and a tight, sleazy-looking brown and white number that looks as if it’s been splattered with feces. He also talks trash about Orly and threatens to have a “nerve breakdown.”
Ross calls HIMSELF “charming” and takes a page from LVH’s necrophiliac collection by contributing these petrified, claustrophobic-looking little jackets that are so heavy they look as if they’ve been hewn from marble. Just looking at them makes me sweat, and I’m not even menopausal. And we get to see the ingenious Sarah Parrott find 15 different ways to insult her own designs, resulting in a Group Hug from the Mentors. Huh? That girl is a cagey one. And I don’t believe for one minute that she’s as insecure as all that.
(Spoiler: I’m happy to report that Kara knocks it out the park with some really cool futuristic-looking …frocks… I guess is the word.. that ignite an actual bidding war between H and M and Saks and finally go to Saks for 110K).
Oh, and golden girl Orly Shani strikes out. BOO. I like her. But even cheap-ass Jessica Simpson and her love of “twofers” can’t save her this time!
As for the elimination, let’s just say the Buyers take out the trash.
For the lowdown on all these developments, check out my full recap tomorrow!