Fashion Star Recap- Sex May or May Not Sell

Hola Gasmii! It was a working weekend for us so we’re a little tardy to the party (don’t sue us, Kandi). But we’re ready to rock this recap…or a least roll it a little. While we do like the pace of this season’s shows, it doesn’t leave a lot of room for mocking.

We start with the hostess talking… and talking. Anyone else notice that she always has her mouth open? Can her lips not close around those teeth?   And what Star Trek fan designed her dress?  

All the Klingon’s in the audience are turned on right now

It’s sexy week this week so that means 2 things, we’re going to have “I’m Sexy and I know it” stuck in our heads for days and all the contestants will talk about their families… wait… no, that can’t be right. What is the tie in here? That their parents had sex to make them possible?  Surely not.

John is checking in on his team. Anyone see him on The Jeff Probst show this week? He gushed about how sexy Jeff is and our TV’s went “click” You’ll have to let us know if anything interesting happened in the rest of the interview.

Sylvia tells us that she is ‘LAH TEEN AH’ so she is both hot and spicy and conservative. How many conservative latinas do you know? Yeah, we don’t know any either.  She has lost her black fabric for her second dress and is freaking out. She still has some God Awful green that will definitely not be sexy. Who would buy such a terrible color? We think the producers had a hand in this to create some drama for the LAH TEEN AH- as if she needs any help.

Forget the black fabric- what happened to this blue dress?

Branden is designing a men’s coat in the style of James Bond, but not in black.  His family all lost their jobs and desperately needs him to succeed. His recipe for success includes turning James Bond into a Bond girl and arguing with his mentor. Insert Jane and I coming up with Bond girls names who  might wear this coat. Anita DaMoney. Nosella Evah. Ima Brokass.

No Beige zone

Amber is doing a faux snake-skin dress. She tells us that she started designing at age 6 with her stapler. How come her mom let her use a stapler at age 6? She must not have siblings.  

Cassandra, the Canadian National Hero, did not get any screen time. She IS the perfect Canadian, eh- politely standing aside while everyone else gets the spotlight… eh

Enough of John- Nicole wants to check in on her team.

Why am I here again?

Daniel wants us to know that his styles are the “Bad Ass Bitch” collection and he just gave us his new nick name. We are trying to pinpoint exactly why we don’t like him.  We have a hard time liking anyone who is so clearly in love with themselves. Even when he sounds unsure he still throws out compliments to himself. Yuck.

To Priscilla “unique” is sexy.  No it’s not.

No condom hat?

Jomana is clearly a fan of Angelina Jolie because her dress allows a leg sticking right out but said her styles flatter any figure. We don’t think anyone would want to see that much of our legs.

 Angelina JoMana

And from Jessica’s team.

David says that women show skin to be sexy so it’s harder for mens wear to do sexy. He wants his jacket to exude power and that will translate to super sexy. He’s ready to do dark colors and make his mentor proud. He says that he didn’t have a lot of confidence in high school until he found that clothing boosted his self-esteem.  Add a Ferrari and he might as well carry a sign that says “I have a small penis”

Tori says she is the perfect blend of her mother and her father. We agree- she has her mother’s face and her father’s fro. Jessica throws out her bid to be on Dancing With the Stars by mentoring Tori to tone down her designs. Jessica tends to take forever to speak so we tune her out after the third word or first 5 minutes, whichever comes first. Tori gets some attitude with the sewing crew and SHOCKING her dresses aren’t done in time so she has to pin the dress together- she needs to get Amber’s stapler.

Hunter is still beaming from her big buy last week. She feels the pressure both to succeed and from the daggers shooting from the eyes of the other designers.

No wire hangers!

Jesseray and Garrett are still reeling from being in the bottom last week and now want to give a thousand percent. Way to get into the game guys.

Time for the sexy runway;

From Nicole’s team:

Priscilla- No offers on her butt ugly unique designs. Macy’s does offer some constructive criticism, “We don’t like the fabrics or how you sewed them together.”  Ha- you suck.

Ah, there’s the condom hat

Daniel Bad Ass- Macy’s gets it for $95,000

Bad Ass Bitches or just bad?

Jomana- Express and Macy’s get into a bidding war and Express wins it for $125,000

+

John’s Team:

Branden- No offers makes him the fat Bond girl.

But it was sexy on me!

Sylvia- Saks actually wants these drapes for $50,000 

Even a drunk leprechaun wouldn’t want that dress

Cassandra- Saks gets her designs for $55,000

Now we see why they edited her out of the rest of the show

They are using the word “winners” loosely

Amber- Express gets these for $60,000

Anne Hathaway will love it

 Jessica’s Team: Poor Jessica Simpson, do you think she knows what is going on or did someone tell her just to sit there and look pretty?

Tori- No one wants her KMart fashion

They’ll be the blue light special next week

Jesseray and Garrett- Macy’s got it for $140,000

The weave ain’t just for your head

David- Gets nothing again except a skanky neck kiss?

We actually liked these

Macy’s kiss of death maybe?

Hunter- wins the Taylor Swift award for best glad face. And Express gets her designs at $75,000

A sexy librarian?

So the judges decide that David and Tori will be the bottom 2 because Team Simpson has sucked it up for 2 weeks in a row and someone better get kicked off quick.

The buyer’s vote Tori off in a 2-1 vote. Macy’s voted for David even though she said she would have bought his designs for a fall line. Macy’s buyer needs to understand how to correctly give constructive criticism.

This is happy

We have to agree with this week’s vote.  Anyone who gets cranky with the help needs to go.

Karma will get you every time 

 Tune in next week to see who Macy’s screws over!