Fashion Show: You Can Put Your Foot in Your Mouth. It’s Vegan.

This week on Fashion Show, I have never been more grateful for my fugly ass Crocs in my life.

Nope. Still not Tim Gunn. Keep workin, though!

Merlin has decided to start the morning by butching it up a bit. No tiaras or catsuits today! Just a simple black sweat band and a backwards sports bra.

De boobies on my bake need suppore.

The very next shot is Underoo concentrating very hard on… underwear. LOL. This show? Is hilarious.

One day, I will bring the perfect wiener fit to all of the world.

Underoo ignores that whole not designing his own winning outfit thing from last week and smiles slyly, telling us that everyone underestimates him cuz he designs underwear, “but we’ll see who ends up on top.” I would venture to say that there isn’t one single top in this entire cast. It will be interesting to see who wins, though, if only because that will mean this wreck made it through an entire season. Time for the mini-challenge. I think Disappointed Midwestern Mom loves Laura Brown, cuz I haven’t seen a smile like this on his face since episode one.

I put the kids in Summer camp, drew a bubble bath, and speed read “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I’M A NEW WOMAN!

Isaac tells them they are gonna have to step out of their comfort zone. I hope this means he will be forcing them to watch football or maybe look at vaginas or something. Donde esta Not Beyonce? Maybe she had to go on not tour or something. Isaac pulls a sheet off the table and it’s a pile of shoes! Haven squeals and giggles like an idiot. Because she’s such a giiiiirl! And girls love shoooooes! Haven reminds me of one of those sad women who put on their finest Laura Ashley flower print dresses and plastic high heels from the Ross rack to go to the opening of Sex and the City with her girlfriends and drink cranberry juice in plastic martini glasses. And yes, I was one of those sad women. Moving on.

Audio montage of the designers each saying how much they love shoes. Conspicuously absent from that clip was Reco on Flim, and when Isaac announces the designer who did all the shoes on the table, Reco looks shocked silent. He’s not used to womens shoes that aren’t see through with ten inch stilletos. The designer lady owns Olsen House Shoes. No, I’m sorry. Olsen House Vegan Shoes. OH PUHLEEZE!! Who eats shoes? Fuck you, Olsen! I’M OVER all this hippie dippie green bs. YAY raise my gas tax and my energy bills cuz my po ass life doesn’t suck enough yet! Did you know France is gonna stop serving lamb cuz lamb burps are bad for the environment?!? The world has gone f ing mad and this needs to stop. Before I lose my shit all over this recap, let’s just change the subject. Here’s something. Why is that vegans are always fat?

I call closet meat eater! Those chins didn’t get there by eating bean curd.

Vegan house only uses “non animal sustainable more eco friendly materials”. They’re most likely still made by ten year old Chinese peasants in sweat shops for ten cents a day, but as long as the cows don’t get hurt feelings. Not surprisingly, the shoes are cheap looking and fugly. Olsen should be skinned and turned into a double chinned beanbag chair for subjecting women to these travesties.

The challenge is to make shoes Olsen would make, but not as ugly. “There are eco friendly materials under your tables!!”, Olsen chirps before sneaking into the greenroom to steal handfuls of beef jerky off the crafts services table. As I force my eyes to unroll from the back of my head, I think I catch Mexican Jay wearing leggings. Rewind. Wow. A bowler hat, nurse scrubs and leggings might be hideous on their own, but together they’re…nope they’re still just hideous.

Three wrongs make a really really really wrong.

The outfit may be good luck, though, cuz it seems like the producers are trying to hand him this one. Can’t sew? Here’s a bottle of glue. Go!

Reco tells us about his plans to make a simple short boot. Really? You’re gonna make a simple short boot out of the simple short boot you were given? That’s ground breaking. One thing I really like about Reco is that he isn’t being bitchy or negative right now, yet he still wears this face.

Disappointed Midwestern Mom wants to do something floral cuz the challenge is to be organic. LOL on the nose. He’s cutting out felt petals and gluing them to the inside of the boot. Don’t be so literal! Olsen isn’t! She is a vegan and you know her ass hasn’t touched a vegetable in at least a decade.

MexiJay is confused by his glue bottle and doesn’t think it will dry fast enough for the challenge. Haven says “in your situation I think it would be better to glue than to sew.” HAHAH. Unfortunately, he’s not much better at gluing.

DO NOT SWALLOW? Hey! This glue’s judging me!

He wants to make a wedge shoe, but since he doesn’t have any wooden blocks to shape, he’s gluing fabric to the heel to create the illusion of a wedge. Head slap.

Kenley tries to cut part of the shoe off to make a pump, but keeps breaking the razor off in the shoe. She tells us she’s messing it up and I can’t tell if she’s laughing or crying, which is very Kenley of her. Merlin is wrapping bows all over his shoes and giggling “dat’s Meerleen!” and shrugging cutely at the camera while the Asian UV ray dye-ist, Fabric cancer, worries that his shitty design will bring down the team. Meanwhile, Reco sits there bored, finished way before everyone else. He might want to work on those a bit more. They look like those giant hanging things in drive through car washes.

MochaSins

Underoos is working next to Reco, and he seems to be copying his work, cuz now he is also adding black fringe to his pair. LOL. Reco doesn’t say anything, he just takes his shoes over to Kenley, cuz there’s a pretty good chance she’ll open her big mouth about it in front of Isaac. Time’s up! Team Wednesday Addams is first to be judged. Fabric cancer just painted her shoes blue and added some leaf bows, while James Pole just added some gold scrunchies to his.

Olsen likes Wednesday’s gold shoes, even though they are raggedly cut and have paint smudges all over the place and look generally misguided and fug. Merlin’s shoes are also jagged and painted outside the lines, but i like all the ribbons, and think that pair will look great with his catsuit.

Olsen doesn’t like the bows. But I’ll bet she likes hamburgers. Closet case. Reco’s team is next. And it’s a total shock to find that Rere loves San Francisco.

Next you’re gonna tell me you listen to show tunes and can swallow a whole pickle.

Olsen likes MexiJay’s wedge, and doesn’t even mention that he’s made his shoes look like fat girls.

Maybe layering will help me look anorexic. No? More layers!

Haven’s boots look like they have wrapping paper glued to them and Rolo wrappers stuck on the fronts.

Olsen doesn’t like Reco’s Halloween colors. Teehee. Next team. Olsen likes Disappointed Mom’s hideous felt Bible School art project shoes, which kills any credibility she had with me. Which was none, but still.

I’ll bet Disappointed Mom has an amazing felt Last Supper mural in her entry way.

Olsen likes that Kenley used two different colors on her shoes and made elastic straps. She doesn’t mention the awkward purple bows glued on the front of the shoes, but at this point I think she’s trying to get through it. There hasn’t been a cute pair yet. Yarn is told that her work looks designer made, but they’re just painted hot pink with felt pedals clued to them, a la Disappointed Mom. Underoo is told his fringe shoes have been done and don’t need to be done any more. Reco raises an eyebrow like he just won something. She just called you both hacks, dumdum.

Maybe they were ugly, but they were MY ugly!

Reco does, however, have the best team, and MexiJay wins!! Of course the fat girl likes the baggy shoes. Stop hiding your jelly, Olsen! These are some of the ugliest shoes I’ve seen in a long time, and that they won first prize says a lot about this season. On a positive note, no animals died in the making of this poo. Plastic did though. And the eighties. Again.

PS These were properly made for this shot cuz this bs is gonna be sold on the website. The wedge didn’t look anywhere near finished like that.

Isaac tells them all to meet him at the corner of 57th and 5th for instructions on their next elimination challenge. I haven’t been to NYC since I moved away six years ago, but I remember that 57th and 5th is close enough to the park to walk a few blocks to the churro stand. I think the best thing for everyone involved would be to sit around in a big circle eating churros, discussing how not to suck so hard on national TV. Take your time, cast. We’ll wait. Unfortunately, they are all taken to Bergdorf Goodman. Fabric Cancer describes the store as “a floating palace of luxury.” I describe it as “the place old rich ladies who refuse to accept the march of Father Time go to buy the outfit they saw the Cyrus bimbo wear in Page Six for nineteen thousand dollars.”

Pin some hanging overly tanned seventy year old skin, some sun spots, and some clinging desperation to this model and you’ll get an accurate portrayal.

They arrive in the shoe department and are slammed with the reality of what good shoes look like. I’m sure if that Olsen heifer was here she’d cry and call it a slaughterhouse. But if Bessie the cow was here, she’d say death was worth it to bring rich old ladies good leather. Then she’d ask to borrow Olsen’s skirt for the weekend.

Haven does a soprano angel getting run over sound and says she’s in Heaven. I haven’t seen anything about Haven in the past few weeks to indicate that she has an iota of the taste required to properly shop here. She probably makes the same sound every time she walks into Payless. Disappointed Midwestern Mom admits to us that he’s been there many times himself, unaccompanied by a woman. I’ll wait for everyone to get past the shock.

If I wasn’t such a good mom I’d make the kids work to save for their own college, come here to buy just one pair of Princess shoes and get out of these flip flops for a day! Dammit why do those kids have to be so disapoooointing?!?!

Not Beyonce is back on the scene, and she’s wearing a zippered sweater utility belt or some shit. I think it’s her weight lifting belt. Dang, look at those arms! Suck it, Michelle Obama! A letter of support to Not Beyonce: Less time doing push ups and more time with the phonics tapes, k?

Isaac tells the designers that every woman has bought a fabulous pair of expensive shoes without knowing what to wear with them, and NotB waves and says “Hellooo! My name is Guilty!” No it’s not. I have no idea what it is, but it’s not Guilty.

They will have to pick a pair of shoes and design around them, but not just any pair. They can only choose from tables with the Fashion Show plaque on them. In other words, they are given last seasons cheap ass never worked never gonna pairs. What’d you expect? Bergdorf Goodman’s not just gonna give these cheap bastards free reign. They probably don’t even know anyone’s shooting there. I have a feeling it’s five in the morning and Isaac broke in through the loading dock. Reco screams, which means he must have just found the ho-iest pair of shoes in the store. Sure enough…

When these are thrown in the ocean, dolphins are gonna get stuck in the holes and suffocate. Olsen is at home sobbing right now.

James Pole goes to a blank spot on the shelf with a Fashion Show plaque and asks “what was here?” Fabric Cancer kindly avoids patting him on the head when she explains “they were taken.” Poor James Pole. He’s as dumb as they make em. Haven found a red pair of shoes with fringe on them. I told you this shit was last season. Didn’t Olsen just tell us that fringe is done and dead? Merlin picks the exact shoes you’d think he would, and I expect him to just body paint his model and glue gun plastic jewels all over her private parts.

Fabric cancer didn’t pick a pair in time, so Isaac kindly chose a pair of red white and blue pumps for her. Yikes. I’m all for national pride, but these don’t give me any.

Fabric Cancer’s reaction is priceless.

Isaac announces that from here on out, they will be competing as individuals. Reco is so excited that he unhinges his jaw and swallows NotB whole.

Tastes like not chicken.

Isaac and Not B struggle to be cute and charming as a pair for a bit, and it’s more uncomfortable than the shoes about to be worked with. Finally, we’re put out of our misery and the designers are sent to the fabric room. Reco’s “on this futuristic type thang”. And you were worried there weren’t gonna be strippers in the future. Hey, college ain’t gonna get any cheaper. He’s gonna do a ribbon dress in “all these crazy patterns”. I’m thinking whiny Stella’s seatbelt dress from last season’s Project Runway. That worked out well. He wants to do something in an hourglass figure. Only problem is his model is that Make Me a Supermodel anorexic chick, who’s more like a thermometer. Even Reco’s sketch models look like strippers. Granted, Boris and Natasha strippers, but strippers all the same.

We weel get that bool. Then we weel gate nakkid.

Also stretching is Fabric Cancer. She can’t make up her mind what to do with her red white and blue shoes (shocker), but then she comes up with a brilliant idea that she’s never had before. Well, before she made her portfolio of shirt dresses and muumuus dyed with cancer attracting UV dye. That’s right! She’s gonna make a shirt dress!! WOWEEE!!

This one’s gonna be totally different though, you guys. It’s gonna look really, really unhealthy after it goes out in the sun.

It’s an eco friendly show, so I’m glad to see Reco queening it up in the fabric room with fur on his head. Poor Olsen is home crying and bingeing on raw hot dogs right now. How animal friendly you feelin’ this hour, Olsen?

Shoot it!

Back in the workroom, Kenley begins by leaning around, talking smack about “some people” who we’re gonna see a “big change” in now that she’s not there to lend her brilliant ideas to “them“. Hmmm. I wonder who she’s talking about. Yarn looks really happy that Kenley has decided to be her friend.

The one day I decide to put on makeup and comb my hair and now I have to deal with this bitch. Back to cat ladyville the second I get home.

Underoo dosen’t care what stupid Kenley says behind his back. There are still nine others he can crib ideas off of. Everyone’s work is still in the birthing stage, so he decides to steal something from two weeks ago. And it’s Yarn’s pleated skirt! LOL. How did Kenley know to bitch to Yarn? That girl’s like a bitchy gossip psychic.

Past



Present

To be fair, he’s only done the waistline, and we don’t know where it’s going yet. Also, Yarn didn’t invent the pleat. Still, it’s fishy, and one thing a cat lady can smell is fish. Not subtly at all, she walks by his dress form all hunched over and marks it.

Cat pee? No I don’t smell it. Where?

Now it’s time for one of the designers to ask the age old question:

Why, he’s making little blue satin vaginas for his dress, of course.

Not B and Isaac come in to check on progress with scrunchy faces but not say anything helpful or useful or the least bit entertaining. I’m guessing. They start with Kenley, who picked the best shoes so far. Damn those shoes are fine. Probably not very comfortable, but that’s the point of good shoes, right?

Isaac notices some silvery sequin things in her sketch, and she says she’s just experimenting. He answers with this look frozen on his face through her entire session. I think he’s trying to work a little Tim Gun magic here, and it’s really hilarious.

Tim’s face is naturally like that. You can’t fake it. Nice popped collar though. DORK.

They like what Reco’s doing, and are confused by Underoo’s lack of color. Reco, who should be a judge cuz he’s the only one with any actual critiques, says Underoo’s work looks very “substitute school teacher”. In Florida maybe, cuz there they fuck their students often. Wednesday Addam’s has some pretty big ideas, but with four hours left she only has some tulle draped over her model. Isaac calls Merlin “Merly Sue”. LOL. They should do a remake of Curly Sue starring Merlin. He could be adopted by Diane von Fürstenberg or some shit.

Merlin claims he’s going for “light and airy” so the model “weel look like flying.” LOL. This guy kills me. The detail on the front of the fugly ass dress looks pretty heavy. I can’t wait to see this finished. Isaac calls it “vaguely Mexican”. Vaguely? That thing’s more Mexican than an enchilada.

In private hallway gossip time, Not B says she’s most excited to see Wendesday Addams’ work, but can’t remember her name. Isaac doesn’t know if the poor girl will finish, but thinks Kenley’s gonna kick ass. He’s not as sure of Reco’s work cuz can you really win a competition with a little black dress? Reco doesn’t sense any hesitation. He’s inside whooping and hollering and shouting that everyone needs to up their game to give him some competition. HEHEHEHE. Yarn tells us that she thinks people are starting to get annoyed with his attitude. Starting? They have a very high tolerance for evil bitchy shallow lispy queenery in the fashion world. If this guy worked in a Wal-Mart he would have been beaten senseless by now. Kenley tells him “confidence is the new black” and he answers “it is! You should get some!” LOL. He’s an asshole, and I hope he stays for ten more weeks.

As time runs down, we are treated to the OMG I’M NOT GONNA FINISH montage. Fabric Cancer is gluing on her buttons, MexiJay’s work looks a mess, and I don’t know wtf Wednesday Addams is thinking, but me likey.

The naked widow.

Kenley tells us that she’s extremely impressed with her own work. Reco tells her her dress is simple, and she says she’s sick of his comments. Once again, he’s getting in a nap before the show. HA. Like the fat drag queen from Project Runway! But less lovable. And talented. And sweaty. Yarn likes Wednesday’s work, but MexiJay says it looks “like something your friend makes you wear and then you burn.” Huh? He’s making a pregnant MexiProm dress, btw. And if his friends try to make him wear anything, it’s probably deodorant.

Happy Birthday! I got you this pine tree to wear around your neck.

Isaac comes back thirty minutes before the show and catches Reco napping. He doesn’t seem amused, and Reco isn’t amused at being woken up. Isaac doesn’t give him attitude, but you know the second Reco fucks up it’s gonna all be about how he’s always sleeping. I know because I’ve seen it all before. Like last season. On that other show. Time for the Fashion Show!

Disappointed Midwestern Mom is up first with his flower wedge shoes. The giant roses on the side of his skirt look like gay snail shells and his model has a flower package where her penis should be.

Flower Porn

Underoo’s next with Blahnik black and white feather shoes. The skirt is pretty hack, and the top would be pretty if it was made to fit a human being. I think I’ve seen this before. At every store that sells clothes. And it looks nothing like Yarn’s pleat work from two weeks ago. That is not meant as a compliment.

It gets worse in closeup. The fit is really bad, but I am thankful he made the skinny bitch look fat.

Blahnik is one of the guest judges, and I’m impressed with how much he can move his face. He’s got enough Bubonic Plague there to take out Europe.

Haven picked some hot pink fringe shoes that look great, in an Indian Reservation Casino cocktail waitress kinda way.

But her work? YIKES. Poor fit, bad sewing, fug colors, and a bib. The model looks like she wants to kill herself, and I don’t blame her.

Haven screams and yells about how good her model looks. Delusional! Fern’s reaction shot is pretty hilarious.

Merlin’s model looks like the quarterback of the Mexican Female Football League.

I don’t even know what to say about this wreck, so I’ll just add another pic.

This is the perfect argument for enforcing immigration laws.

Merlin says the only thing that worries him is that the color is too loud. LOL. If that’s all that’s worrying you, then good for you, fruit loop. MexiJay took fabulous shoes…

And made a giant poopie all over them.

He thinks it looks young and flirty. I think it looks like a homemade valance in a clown’s bedroom.

Yarn did pleats again. This time they’re vertical and on a scab colored blouse. She’s added tassles on the outside. Wow. This is fug. Yarn’s been doing really well so far, but she blew it today.

James Pole chose some fabulous Choos…

…and then put his model in a Units dress and invited the neighborhood kids over to toilet paper her.

I hope it doesn’t rain.

Wednesday’s girl is next, and poor thing can’t walk in her shoes. No one could, which is probably why Bergdorf’s let this show have them.

It’s a satin tight dress with tulle sewn all over the front. It’s pretty bad, but there has definitely been fuglier on the runway today. She should be fine.

Her model looks like a drugged out scoliosis patient, but that’s not her fault. Kenley is next, and says she wants to be “an influential designer that convinces people what they should be wearing.” The whole world is stupid and tasteless and Kenley is here to fix us all. Hey, love that giant sideways bow on your head. Poor model has a sweaty butt crack in this, you know she does.

On closer inspection, the front of the dress has some nice detailing. Isaac says he loves that it has nothing to do with the shoe but they go perfectly together. Then all the judges ooh and ahh and agree. When this is the top of the pack, you need to fire everyone in casting. Fabric Cancer just made a long white dress shirt and tied it in knots and shit. Still, it’s cute, and probably the most wearable out of the bunch so far.

Something’s seriously funky in the back, though. She’s added some blue/grey satin-y material and it looks all bunched up and wonky.

Reco says his model looks absolutely amazing, and she does. But only cuz her legs go up to her eyelids. The dress itself is simple and cute, with a giant poof of a mini skirt. He put some kind of leather gimp mask on his model. I hope she doesn’t try to drive in that thing. This was one of the best today, which says not a lot. Poor girls with giant hips. Finally there’s a dress made for them, and it will never be sold in their size.

Judging time! Isaac intros Blahnik, who looks like his face is gonna peel off any second.

Could we turn down the lights a bit?

Isaac tells them this was the best show yet, and the top three audience choices are Fabric Cancer’s shirt dress, Kenley’s sweaty ass crack dress, and Reco’s baby making hips homage. Fern is dressed like she’s on her way to church in Boca.

Not B tells Reco that 90% of the audience said his dress was fashion forward. That’s true, cuz at the rate this country’s going, everyone will have hips like that in ten years. Not B exclaims “90%! That’s pretty darn near everybody!” Is anyone else impressed that she knows this? Atta girl. Isaac asks about the gimp mask, and Reco says he was bored cuz he’s just so much faster and more talented than everyone else. Blahnik goes on a compliment rampage, but I can’t hear him cuz I can’t be distracted from his poor face trying to move. Look at that nose. Jesus people, we all get old, k? Deal with it. It’s better to be an old successful man than some plastic slimy freak who looks like he’s always about to sneeze all over you.

Kenley drones on about her work and tries to be charming, but she’s Kenley so she just comes off as an asshole. You can really see the fine workmanship in the sewing aspect of her dress, but you can also see how poorly it actually fits the model.

The judges all love it, and Isaac says it reminds him of a butterfly. HUH? Blahnik says that he looks at the entire woman instead of just the shoe. That’s quite a compliment, especially coming from someone who doesn’t make a habit of looking at women. Fabric Cancer says she travels a lot so she likes multi-use clothes. Her dress can be unfolded into a long dress, which is pretty badass, but also pretty last week. I hope she wins, cuz she’s against two a holes. Nope. Reco wins! BOO!! Fabric Cancer smiles for him, but Kenley just rolls her eyes. LOL. She dropped that act like a hot potato.

The bottom two are Wednesday Addams and Underoo. MexiJay is one lucky mofo. Not B says that Underoo’s work was called boring and uninspired. He says he was going for salability, which is the worst answer he could give. I made something that didn’t fit anyone so everyone would buy it. Blah sticks up for him, saying that he is a salesman and can see rich old ladies buying clothes like this. Isaac argues that this isn’t The Salesman Show, it’s the Project Runway rip off show. Fern thinks it’s blah and uninspired and gives the typical Fern critique: “I wanted it to be better.” I wanted you to look less like a cleanly shaven Bruce Vilanch, but here we are.

Not B tells Wednesday that her design made the model look the bride from Night Before Christmas. LOL. She says she ran out of time. Isaac reminds her that he warned her about time. Blah says it was amateurish, like she just got her first Vogue pattern and went home and hacked it up. Her answer? “I poosh the envelope too much.” I think that’s an English issue, cuz not one accused her of being just too damn original. She senses that she’s losing them, so she adds “I queet my jobe to be hhere!” Blah shoots her down saying today’s work isn’t an example of why you should quit your day job. LOL Blah.

I waxeed ofe my moostacha for dees?

In private deliberation time, Fern says Wednesday was off the mark, and Isaac says that at least she wasn’t boring. Blah starts talking, but his ravaged face betrays him and his eye starts leaking. You know what will fix that? More plague injected into your forehead.

The two loozas are called back to the stage. Isaac tells Underoo that he bored them to tears, in some of their cases literally. Wednesday made a bold, disastrous choice. Underoo is out! Damn. I was hoping he’d take off his shirt at least one more time. He is sad and says that his work was better than Wednesday’s, but he will keep making dresses that are boring and don’t fit properly for a long time to come. In related people who blatantly steal from better people news, next week is the “fat” women challenge from PR. Who’s gonna be the first one to make a fat chick cry? I’ll be here!