Fashion Show: It’s a Dress and a Sleeping Pill!

This week on Fashion Show, Not Beyonce struggles with simple English and a model falls asleep on the runway. Who can blame the ho?

Surviving gay cancer is like surviving regular cancer, but way more girly and unintelligible.

I just love the opening of the show. It’s really long, which means less work for me. Also, Not Beyonce trying to pronounce the words on the cue cards is always priceless. I never really thought about how hard “dollars” was to read out loud until I saw her try for the first time. At least she’s got a sparkling smile to offset her flowering grasp on the English language.

You sure are pretty.

As I talked about last week, this show makes me kinda conflicted about my gayness. I think that people might not be so afraid of us if we weren’t jumping out at them like Jackie in the Box-es.

AAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!

Yeah…keep that on.

James Pole is asked how he’s doing today, cuz he looks a little ate up. If you ask me, that’s pretty rude. Just give him some Proactiv and he’ll feel a hundred times better. Merlin answers for him. “A leedle beat up.” You want beat up? Take a trip over the bridge and walk around Jersey in that outfit.

Then Reco takes over, saying how he wants to be team captain or get off his losing team. He, of course, does this in the most fascinating English I’ve heard since I tried having a phone conversation with my six month old niece this morning. (Hispanic accent) “I losth da layst chayllenge…” (back to gay MushMouth tribute) “…cuz my team…I have three members that can’t execute wayell, I really wanted to be removed out of my team.”

I don’t understand. Could you write that down? No? Charades?

Are we supposed to feel sorry for Reco? As I recall, he made one of the fugliest outfits last week. Waitress skirt with a blank beauty queen sash. Not that I blame the states for not being willing to claim that mess. A lot of complaining is going down in that tiny kitchen. I think we are gonna have to rename the Kinda Almost Pretty Guy, cuz in more shots than not, he looks like a stressed out, disappointed mom from the Midwest.

The bus is honkin’, darnit! Kids get that bus! I’m gonna be late for pottery class and MOMMY NEEDS TIME FOR MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!

Things are already getting stressful all the way around, so before the challenge begins, Merlin teaches the gayest aerobics class ever.

Grab yer aynkles, scream for jore mami, aynd seet on traffeek cone! Dehr! JEW ARE HAYLTHY!

This group is a mess. Mexican Jay is dressed like my fifth grade art teacher back in El Paso, Mrs. Burciaga. Except she had a little bit more facial hair.

I am visiting the family in TX at the moment, and I am working in Barnes and Noble. I walked over to the magazine rack and looked at The Advocate to see if scarves and shawls were all the rage for the raging mos, but no. It’s just this show. Working out and not eating? Still popular amongst the gays. The “designers” all arrive at the workroom, where Isaac tells them all “there’s no rest for the weary. OR THE CHIC!!” Everyone cracks up like that’s the most hilarious thing they’ve ever heard. Well, except for Reco, which is why I really, really like him.

Laura Brown comes in to explain the Haaaarper’s Bizzzzaaaaare mini-challenge and pierces everyone with her cold English eyes.

I am here to save the Earth. From humans.

This is another team challenge, which is fantastic news. For me. Sorry to not let this go, but Stressed Out Midwestern Mom looks like she needs a hug.

A C? A C?!? I’m proud of you no matter what, but you’re making it harder and harder. Did I hurt your feelings? I’m the worst mother EVAH!!! WAAHHHHHHH!!!

As a direct response to last week’s MexiJay’s “I didn’t know this show was called Top Seamstress!” fit, this week’s mini-challenge is all about sewing basics. LOL. The teams are given identical outfits and told to repair the shoulder pads, the buttons, the zipper, and the hem of the skirt. They only have thirty five minutes, and it will be a relay race. Gay Jon Lovitz says that thirty five minutes to make all those repairs is just ridiculous, especially when you’re accustomed to throwing a sheet on a bitch and calling it design. The teams chat for a sec to decide who should do what, and for some reason it cracks me up that Underwear Designer claims the zipper. It reminds me of stealing the International Male catalogues out of mailboxes when I was a kid to…study.

As you can imagine, I learned a lot.

Old Young Lady, dressed like Retired Inspector Gadget, makes fun of Wednesday Addams for being one of the “little people”. She says she can crawl inside, fix the zipper, and crawl out again. I think she’s trying to be funny, but old retired detectives have too much cynicism in their voices and I feel bad for Wednesday.

Penny, bring me some Metamucil or you’re out of the will.

Gayvitz is predictably disastrous when it’s his turn to sew on buttons. He doesn’t quadruple the thread, which mortifies Reco. Then he pricks his finger and gasps like a little girl. LOL Gayvitz.

Get Angela Basset over here before I bleed to death!

Team Little People did well, Team Haven sucked it, and Team Disappointed Mom was mediocre. Haven is in last place, and Reco’s response is “Once again, everybody disppointed me.” Oh wah. This is the kind of guy who takes it personally when he doesn’t get three cherries every pull at a slot machine. Team Little People win! According to Laura, the shoulder pads pushed them over the edge. I don’t know why I find that so hilarious, but I do. I’m going to be saying that all week. “It’s getting pretty tense between Palestine and Israel, but I think the Jew’s shoulder pads will push them over the edge.”

Merlin, humble as always, brags about winning. The subtitles claim he says one thing, ” but I think at this point whoever’s stuck on subtitle duty is just making shit up, cuz what I heard was

“De udder guys, day superstinitate em are power!”

Is that English? No, but gay pirates have their own lingo and we’re just gonna have to learn how to deal with it. Out of the winning team, Wednesday Addams’ work was the best, and to celebrate, she rips her sweater down below her clevage and shows off her turtleneck rack. Transylvania just got a raging boner.

Supernatural Girls Gone Wild

Isaac keeps the teams as they are, but makes them choose new leaders. Merlin ees kurrriows to see what Wednesday can breeng at da tayble, so she’s their leader. Old Young Lady bosses everyone around anyway, so she’s her team’s leader, and everyone’s sick of Reco snapping and rolling his head and spitting all over them while pronouncing the s in disappointed, so he easily takes the front of his pack. I’m sure he’ll be very humble and kind.

Not Beyonce poorly reads a line off a card asking Isaac if his jacket is his own, and he faux humbly answers yes. Of course that’s a Mizrahi. He’s the only designer I know that can take eight hundred dollars of Italian leather and make it look like ten bucks. He wasn’t the queen of Target for nuttin.

This jacket will keep you dry in rain, sleet, or snow. And on sunny days you can wrap your sandwiches in it for a picnic. Don’t worry about dirt. It windexes right off.

He says he wishes his jacket could do more. Like maybe be folded up and used as a tote bag, or wrapped around his head as a turban, or a blanket to snuggle with in front of the couch. I’m telling you. Sandwich bags. The challenge is to make outer wear for all four seasons, and each must have a special function that sets them apart. Yarn Lady says that she just wants to make beauty, not a “go go gadget”. I think that was a direct assault on Old Young Lady, and I wholeheartedly approve.

How bout you just comb your hair and wash out that cat pee smell?

The only team who comes up with a solid plan is Reco’s. He wants to do Aeon Flux. LOL. That movie sucked, and it came out four years ago. Way to keep it futuristically stale, Rere. Gayvitz likes this idea, but says that even though it’s futuristic it has to be from this planet. Like sheets thrown on a model with a belt.

Underwear comes up with an idea for a jacket with trench pockets and a clear back. OldYoung says she doesn’t like that idea, then she tells us that Underwear has no idea what he’s doing cuz he designs, well, underwear. I admit that was my first thought when I saw him, but he’s done decent work so far, plus he works out a lot, so I’m behind him. Then, OldYoung literally sketches out a design she wants him to make. LOL this girl is such a c word. Why not just bring back Kenley? James Pole has gone above and beyond and designed a full on fat ninja turtle with really bad posture.

Fern Mallis would look great in this.

His coat will have a zipper that will turn it into a sleeping bag. For butterflies that feel too pretty. Just go back into the womb and go back to being an ugly ass moth. People don’t automatically treat you like an idiot when you’re not gorgeous. I like his thinking.

Narcoleptics, you will be ignored no longer.

Haven wants to do a skirt that opens up into a makeup bag, complete with a giant mirror on the chest. LOL. She says that Southerners are really into the way they look and are obsessed with hairspray and naming their children idiot names like Haven. If she’s so obsessed about how she looks, how come she has Miss Piggy hair and a Tweety Bird jacket? I am in the south as we speak, and no one looks like that. There are three people wearing fanny packs in this Starbux, though. I forgot my point.

Gayvitz is wearing a horizonally striped Izod shirt with a popped collar. He should be eliminated just for that. He wants to make a catsuit that zips up the front and has a collar that women who travel can store their jewelry in. That sounds comfortable for a long flight. You fall asleep the wrong way and an earring can puncture your esophagus. Dumbass.

Dude, please get some better glue for that piece. You’re making all of us uncomfortable.

Reco takes his team leadership very seriously. He walks around going “uh huh very chic very chic” a lot. Realizing (as we did three weeks ago) that there’s no one with any actual talent on this show, he decides to make the patterns for his entire team. He says the contestants are delusional to call themselves designers when they can’t even carry out simple tasks. I don’t disagree with this, but it would be easier to root for Reco if he didn’t send such hideous crap down the runway.

Work time is done for the day and Merlin screams “Alry beeches! Time to go home!” while OldYoung sings “goodniiiiight!” Wow, that was off key. But so is this whole show. Yet somehow, it’s all gorgeous to listen to. Later that night, Disappointed Midwestern Mom gossips with the others about how disappointed he is with the lame extra function challenge. “I don’t need my coat to be a refrigerator.” LOL. Is Mom wearing an ascot? For crying out loud, people. Even gay people in England stopped wearing ascots under their shirts.

Mastercheese Theater

In the morning, the workroom looks like a violent murder scene.

Fashion was the victim.

Reco is making a “ski suit” that looks like it’s made out of Quilted Northern. He says “It’s ridiklus for this much talent to lie on one man!” WTF is he saying? Anyone? I’m gonna need to buy some Rosetta Stone tapes just to make it through this season. And now for our weekly excuses segment, starring Gayvitz, who went to the BEST. COLLEGE. EVAH! He says that his talent is in being a creative designer, and his school wasn’t into teaching the technical side. Who the fuck would pay for a fashion school that doesn’t teach you how to sew? Pretty picture of a dress! You passed! That will be five million pounds.

Underoos is trying to put his own spin on the design OldYoung is shoving down his throat, but she’s not having it. She tells us that she’s doing her best to give him ideas, but it’s not enough. His first mistake was in making her design in the first place. She’s tattle tale-ing the second she gets the chance, heightening the possibility that we will be missing the only man worth looking at by next week. For this, I hate OldYoung. Pick on a fat guy. Not Beyonce comes in all cheery and Haven looks like she wants to kill her.

Hey, didn’t you not sing that song about putting a ring on it?

NotB and Isaac are bored with Underoos’ work, and OldYoung tells us that he stole her design and didn’t even do a good job with it. I am so confused. Did he steal it or did she force it on him? Oh wait. I forgot. I don’t care. Neither Reco nor NotB can come up with words for James Pole’s sleeping bag design. Isaac, cuz he’s busy making a gay clown face, and NotB cuz her strong point isn’t coming up with words.

Didn’t you used to make coats out of Cookie Monster fur? Put your eyes back in your head.

Isaac making fun of anyone’s work is a laugh, because he’s come up with some doozies.

Isaac and NotB move over to Reco’s team. Rere excitedly tells them “the storyline is a modern escursion to Mars.” There is no reaction, but NotB and Isaac are probably just taking a second to figure out what escursion means. Still, Reco’s visibly wounded.

The strippers would have loved this shit.

Isaac asks if Reco is consulting on construction and he bitchily answers “every ten minutes!” Ouch. MexiJay is upset and tells us “this competition isn’t strictly about sewing!” He’s just never gonna let it go. Next to go under the homoscope is Haven’s makeup bag/coat. Isaac gives it a dirty look and asks her to describe the shape. She doesn’t know how to answer that, which really makes his face scrunch. She assumes he thinks she’s an “idiot Barbie”. Well one of those adjectives is on the mark.

Mother of ten. There. Was that so hard?

In hallway gossip time, Isaac thinks Underoos’ little jacket isn’t working. NotB wants to move on to…”HAVEN?!?” LOL Isaac. She says no, but he starts ranting about Haven anyway, saying he doesn’t think she’ll make it. After all, who wants to wear the Seattle needle around their hips? NotB answers “Victoria Beckham”. HA. Isaac laughs, cuz Beckham will wear any old stupid ass outfit out as long as it costs more than a thousand dollars. NotB, who spent years wearing fug hofits designed by B’s mom, doesn’t see the humor.

Even the models on this show look cheap. One of them is about to fall over just walking in the door.

You got time to lean, you got time to clean, heifer.

Merlin was assigned this model, and listening to him give instructions on how to wear his work is hysterical. “Jew have a seeper here dat jew gonna do like dees, and den you do like dat.”

I hope this show runs longer than Cheers.

James Pole tells his model she has to walk out and then lay on the floor in her sleeping bag and she cracks up. He doesn’t. She keeps laughing. He doesn’t. In shocking news, Gayvitz hasn’t done much of anything and needs help from Reco. Man, over half this cast should get sent home tonight.

And you look like you’re wearing the thimble from Monopoly on your head. What else is new?

Reco keeps up his Men on Film rant, walking around snarking at everyone with rolly head and giant lips. He’s shaven a tiny pencil thin line above his lips, like girls who line their lips a quarter inch higher than their lip line to get bigger pouts, but harrier. As everyone rushes to finish before the show, he says “y’all are making it too easy! Gimme my check now!” Ugh. Shut up you dirt lipped queen.

Haven is behind, and Fabric Cancer, the Asian girl who dyes fabrics to change colors under UV rays but doesn’t speak ever, has a broken zipper. The drama is killing me. Time for the show! Team OldYoung is out first. Disappointed Midwestern Mom’s tinfoil raincoat that doesn’t fit the model is out first. It’s horrid, but it does achieve my favorite effect on these shows. It makes a skinny girl look fat. Yay!

The piece of chicken I wrapped up at work looked better than this.

His twist is that the bottom of the jacket comes off, so girls who like to subathe can use it as a blanket. Cuz metallic blankets in the hot sun? Comfie. Poor girl’s gonna get third degree burns. And who wears a coat to the beach in the first place? Wow, disappointed mom. This is…disappointing. The top looks taped together.

Underoos has taken some shit this episode, but his spring coat is perty. He doesn’t try to hide what it is, which can hurt him. It’s just a folded up jacket, but it looks good on the model and is well constructed. Or maybe I just need to get laid and can’t get his abs out of my head.

The model stops on the runway, lets out the jacket, and pulls out the sleeves to make a head shawl! HOW PRETTY! NotB is shocked. Happily shocked. Yay my man lives another week.

Now this slut won’t get stoned.

Of course, as Underoos is complimented backstage, OldYoung is pissed that he’s taking credit for ideas that aren’t his. Bitch, you made him do it! Were the sleeves and hood her idea too or his? They didn’t show that part, and that’s the winning ingredient. Time will tell, cuz you know OldYoung isn’t keeping her mouth shut in front of the the judges.

Yarn may smell like cat pee and wear shirts with horses on them, but she’s talented. Her coat looks great, and the poofy sleeves hold gloves and a scarf. It looks very well made, and the judges agree.

I hate OldYoung’s ass, but she came out with some pretty great work today too. Who needs peripheral vision?

Under the Christmas tree sleeves are bands to hold your ipod and phone and gun and mace. Now time for Team Little People. Fabric Cancer is out first with another metallic jacket. It’s awkwardly bunched up at the hips, and then it’s unzipped to not be bunched up at the hips. Riveting. The twist is that it can look bunched up at the hips or not bunched up at the hips. Wowee.

Not cute. NotB catches the falling zipper. Wednesday Addams is out next with her Barton Fink girl in a clamshell number. Her model looks like she belongs in a MaiTai.

Toothpic Umbrella

Hmmm. This could be cute, but something’s wrong. The material looks cheap and crinkly, the umbrella hood is held the whole time, which means it probably doesn’t work right, and there’s a super busted white zipper coming up the front.

Underneath, there is lining that looks like an underscarf. Why? I don’t know. I need to just stop typing now.

Merlin’s jacket is made “for dee trayvel geerl”. It’s cool and well made. And it’s being worn by the chick from last year’s Make Me a Supermodel that everyone on the internet said was a dude. Bravo takes care of their own. Unless they charge too much.

The top is removable and there is a little plastic bag to put it in. Don’t get it. James Pole’s model comes out dancing in her sleeping bag jacket, like she’s at a slumber party. Then she does as she was told and gets on the floor. LOL. The audience starts mumbling confusedly/excitedly/angrily and Fern says it’s too casket-y. Isaac answers “I love caskets!” Pole says that it’s for coming home drunk and just wanting to sleep in your clothes. I kinda love Pole.

MexiJay already owns this jacket.

OldYoung Kenley calls them Team Crazy. Then she flips on Murder She Wrote and curls up with a quilt. Reco’s Team is next. MexiJay is first with an oversized formal jacket tied with a bow. It looks cute in the front…

but unfortunately the model has to turn around to make it back up the runway.

She’s got a shoe rack on her back. LOL. To be more specific, a flip flop rack. This woman is probably wondering why her flip flops are always getting stolen. MexiJay is a hacky idiot, but he’s a funny hacky idiot. He says that the shoe rack part is for when you hang the coat in the closet, but then when you’re out you just have giant black pockets hanging off. OY. Haven has glammed up her ten child bearing look, and the judges smile when the model pulls out hairspray and a mirror. I would smile if she pulled out a blowtorch and sent that thing to hell like Freddy Kruger.

Haven says this work doesn’t express her vision, which is confusing cuz it’s all her. Gayvitz, as usual, is spot on in his self critique. From afar, his work is decent, but up close it’s plain hack fug.

The neck looks weird, and then I remember it’s cuz it’s a jewelry roll.

Reco is all bitchy like Kenley and says that he made the entire pattern and blahblahblah. I love these control freaks who boss everyone around and then get mad that they were listened to. Keep taking credit, idiot, cuz that thing looks like hell. The sleeves are ragged, the back is bunched up and badly darted. I could go on, but why? Bad. The end. Reco’s model is out next and good music starts playing, which is supposed to lead us to believe that this is going to go over well. I think this is Reco’s answer to racism.

Grand Wizard of the GayGayGay

Hate him, but this looks better on the runway than it did in the workroom. He made it fit properly, and the big pink blanket on the back turns into a wrap that holds a thermos. Isaac oohs and ahhs and says fabulous three times. Who knew that blanket on her back would be a blanket that she could actually use as a blanket? And a…thermos holder?

Disappointed Mom is complimentary about Reco’s work, but thinks his team was a mess. Nancy Reagan liked the Toothpick Umbrella, but didn’t like that you have to hold it with two hands the whole time.

Time for judging! Isaac describes the guest judge as the inventor of the original sleeping bag coat. I describe her as a buck dentured old lady in chola bangs who wears cat glasses inside. Not that that’s not totally hawt. We’ll call her Hot Kamali Tamale.

Isaac thinks that they did a great job this week, but their fabric choices were gnarly. Wednesday Addams’ team is safe, and Kenley’s team wins!! Please let Underoos take her trophy. PLEASE. Disappointed Midwestern Mom got away with murder, but the good news is Reco LOST! LOL. The two best looks came from Yarn and Underoos! SLAM!! I love it. Tamale thinks Yarn’s coat looks expensive and beautiful, and Isaac thinks that the gloves in the sleeves aren’t very inventive. He adds “but on these two coats, the fabric looks like fabric.” Thanks for that. I hope they’re paying you well. Fern thinks the poofy glove sleeves are good for stealing Little Debbie’s from the 7-11.

Fern and Tamale love love love Underoos, and Kenley can barely contain her venom.

Someone’s about to get a cat thrown at their head.

NotB asks why it was shorter in the workroom, and Underoos says he wanted to listen to their feedback. Kenley pulls a Kenley and makes faces and laughs. Isaac calls her out on it. She says she doesn’t want to have to be a bitch from hell, but that’s how she was born. She says she designed the coat, she chose the color and the fabric and did way more than just oversee. Underoo says that he struggled but came up with the hood, which was the best part, himself. Hot Tamale Kavali says that in the business you may give a design team brilliant ideas and not get credit, “but that’s the deal.” Kenley gulps. Tamale says you need to learn to keep a secret, and she and Isaac have to do it all the time. Kenley says she wished she never said anything. Stupid bitch, I’m glad you did.

Underoo wins!! Even after all that. Teehee. He’s all cute about it, but unfortunately he stays clothed. Reco’s team of LOOZAS is brought up next, and Isaac notes that they lost AGAIN. Reco’s work was the favorite look of the whole show, but he can’t win when he led the losing team. The judges slobber on it and then announce the bottom two: Gayvitz and Haven. Haven is told that her design looks like a hairdresser smock with Mickey Mouse ears. She thinks that her work was funny cuz she always wants hairspray. Fern’s like uh not funny. Tamale thinks she needs higher standards and Haven says she thought it was gonna be great but it turned into a fat mess. She doesn’t know if she should even be here cuz everyone else sews circles around. WEAK! Biggest cast of pussies ever to be assembled.

Isaac ignores it and says it wasn’t the sewing that didn’t work, it was the shape. So if she’s out it’s cuz she sucks, not cuz of some lame thing like stitches. Fern tells her to get more confidence or get out of the business. Haven snottily says she’s working on it. Gayvitz is dragged across the coals for his workmanship. He thinks that he got better since last week. LOL. Even a little better than last week is still pretty fuckin ugly, man. Fern says his neckpiece looks like the jewelry rolls guys on 34th street pull out to sell fake Rolexes.

In private time, Isaac says Haven’s sewing wahwah is a cop out, and Fern says she’s just using a defense mechanism, but Gayvitz consistently sucks. More is said, but it’s mostly just the same blah. NotB says “I don’t know, I’m really tossed up right now.” HEHEHEH. Who’s better? The one with a bad toupee or the one with a stupid name and eighties hair? Gayvitz lacks the desire to not suck, and Haven is a wuss. In the end, Markus is given the old not buyin’ it darlink routine and sent home. Gayvitz is delusional and thinks there was worse on the runway. He says he will always have people to work for him in the future. LOL. I hope they have a hot glue gun or that toupee is gonna slide down your giant egg head.