Fashion Show: Pooping on History

This week on Fashion Show, Eyesack gives someone a poison apple and they fall asleep FOREVAH!!!

We open with a hilarious shot of Reco coming out of the bathroom. Kenley is standing there waiting for him to finish so she can throw up the Chex Mix she’s eating and figure out what bow she wants to wear today. As he passes her, she mumbles good morning while staring at a wall. His answer is all lisps and mumbles. I don’t know what the hell he said, but it sure as hell wasn’t good morning. I need a translator to watch this show.

Rosetta Boner Language Tapes

Reco tells us that he doethn’t trusth Kenley. That’s a shame, cuz I’m sure she was planning on leaving you all of her riches and custody of her future daughter, like Barbara Hershey in Beaches. Tax Haven is confident today, cuz now she’s had a couple of wins. She takes some alone time to do her her Artist’s Way morning pages and focus her mushy mind.

shoulder pads shoulder pads shoulder pads shoulder pads shoulder pads jelly beans shoulder pads

In the living room, Merlin sits singing that sad song about wanting parents from Annie. He’s still wearing his cat suit, boots, and dodo hawk from yesterday. Cheer up, kid! Someone will claim you!

Maybe far awaaaays!

Or maybe real near byyyyys!

Cheese makeen coffee or someting and hees makeen tiiiiie!

The designers get to the workroom and are met by Not Beyonce in a dress that looks like it was biologically attacked and Eyesack, who’s in grey again. I want to get to the bottom of his grey obsession, but that would require actually caring. Which I don’t. GREYYYYY. Laura Brown comes rushing in like she’s just stopping here for a sec before she runs off and performs heart surgery. Thanks for making time in your day, Lo!

Thank God you’re here! Stat!

Eyesack tells the designers that history is very, very important in fashion. Why, the Alamo is still inspiring Merlin’s clothes to this very day. Why does Eyesack’s hair look like it’s on the cover of Jet Magazine?

Okaaay?

Eyesack verbally slaps the contestants as he emphatically names off some historical designers. Halston. Chanel. Christian Diooor, Madame Grés. Emilio Pucci. Gianni VersAce, and Yves Saint Laureeeent. Hey! You left out Hanes! Most of the designers look confused. Especially Haven. James Pole is all smiles though, like someone just announced there would be free dentistry today.

Hand me that hammer. You won’t feel a thing.

They will be playing a quiz show about the historical designers, and Eyesack will stop ripping off Tim Gunn for five minutes and try to channel Howie Mandell. I hope this means he’s gonna shave his head, cuz it looks like he’s coming down with mange. Reco skerd. He didn’t go to no school! He just “does me”. You don’t need history when you dress strippers and whores. You just need penicillin and basic self defense classes.

He seems willing enough to earn it. That’s our little hard worker!

Ana the Yarn Lady is a teacher, and she prides herself on knowing fashion history. Not following it, mind you, but knowing it. Unless a What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? dress is historical. Wait, in a way that dress was historical, so never mind. Yarn gets the first question about who invented “the little black dress” correct. No, it’s not Betty Boop, but that’s totally what I thought too you guys. It was Chanel, who said “dress a lady like a chambermaid and a chambermaid like a lady.” That explains why rich people go to such great lengths to look like trash and poor people keep the knockoff Chanel purse in business. Thanks, Chanel!

Eyesack calls on Merlin, but he says his name all pouty and sad like. At first he sounds kinda rude and condescending, but maybe he’s truly being sensitive today. Merlin is morbidly depressed. At least that’s what I’m guessing. I mean come on. He’s dressed like…a dude.

Someone needs a tiny little hug. And a spot in the chorus line.

While we’re staring at contestants, Mexican Jay is in preppy clothes. And is that Dove Cucumber soap I smell? Why, you devil! James Pole is about to whip out a flag and do some leaps like he’s in gay Newsies. Is that an oxymoron? And has Kenley gained ten pounds? Maybe Yarn got her preggers. Ok back to the show.

Merlin takes a stab in the dark and gets the Yves Saint Laurent quote right and prounounces Laurent Laur ant. LOL. They just told you how to say it! Focus! Haven gets her question wrong, but in her defense the answer was “Prince of Prints”, and that just might have been hard for her to say. She tells us she would have answered correctly if they asked her about Gucci. Or curlers. Or LOL cats.

Reco doesn’t know what celebrity Halston designed for, which really disappoints Laura Brown. Liza, foo! He says where he comes from no one knows who Halston is. Dude, Farrah, Cher, and Liza were your choices. Those you should know. It’s in your DNA. Unless you aren’t really born with it, which doesn’t explain his speech impediment. I am getting confused. Focus. Liza.

What’s up, Adam Lambert? Can’t wait for the album! Are you dating older? Giiiirl!

MexiJay gets his question wrong, and so does James Pole! And it was about another gay icon. He thought Versace dressed Madonna on her 1992 tour, but the answer is Elton John. And James Pole is like totally historical, you guys. Hack! Merlin is doing well and he knows it. His dodo hawk appears. That’s like his version of a boner.

Ping!

Kenley gets her question wrong. Wow. Only Yarn and Merlin are left standing. The rest were out after one question! LOL this cast sucks ass. Yarn gets her question right and Merlin guesses Yves Saint Laur Ant again but this time his wacky pronunciation gets him nowhere. Yarn wins! I hope she gets a sweater. Why was Laura Brown even here for this challenge? All she did was make shitty faces and read two answers off the cards in Eyesack’s hand. I suppose she’s just here to give the brand a face, but frankly, Haaaaarper’s Bizaaaah was much more fascinating before I correlated it with the sixty year old Dakota Fanning. Now that mag disturbs me.

To find out what HUUUUGE advantage she’s won, Yarn goes with the rest of the designers to the stage. Eyesack tells them that the mini-challenge was proof that the historical icons can’t be forgotten. Actually I think it proved that they mostly are forgotten, considering there were only four questions answered correctly and three of them by a fashion teacher. Sorry, fashion history! If it helps, none of these bozos know real history, either.

Since this cast’s talent doesn’t lie in design or creativity, the challenge will be to knock off a historical designer’s dress. Next week they will be cutting paper dolls. Gorgeous dresses are lined up, and most of the designers look thrilled. Haven just looks lost.

The GAP donated nothing. NOTHING!

Instead of just doing a knock off, they will have to infuse their own personality into their work. I predict a lot of ignorant, tacky, open wound clothes. Yarn takes Chanel for herself and assigns Yves to Haven, Dior to Kenley, Versace to MexiJay, and Mad Gres to Merlin. Merlin’s pissed cuz he doesn’t know who she is and he’s convinced that it’s Yarn’s “strayjeddy” to fuck him over. In Yarn’s defense, Fredrick’s of Hollywood wasn’t an option.

James Pole is pissed too, cuz the Gres dress on display is a big draped rectangle, and he was sure he could turn it into a bed in a bag. No such luck! “Little dat Ana knows”, he loves Pucci too, though, and that’s who he gets. Reco is left with Halston. Yarn gave him that one cuz he can’t rely on his fitted corseted ho clothes. Reco, having no idea who Halston even is, is pissed cuz Yarn took care of her friends first. Yeah, that’s called not being a dick to people and then they’re nice to you. Golden rule, Reco on Film! Reco on Halston: “I can work wid it.” LOL.

He says that Yarn is “juss tryin’ ta trow some sald in da pimp’s game, but it’s gonna fect her in de end.” Wow. Can one single fucking person on this show form a sentence? Throw some salt in the pimp’s game? Is the pimp even wounded? At the fabric store, Merlin gets Reco and James Pole riled up about the girl clique trying to fuck them over. Day tink day deleecious, bud da boys ah oreegionals! Whatever, Merl. You have to copy a fucking dress. I would say man up, but that’s unreasonable. Maybe just be quiet?

Back in the workroom, Reco says that the other designers assume he’s gonna lose cuz he don’t know nothin’ bout Holestun, but he’s sure gonna show them! Here’s the dress Reco was given to knock off:

Pillowcase with a robe belt. Go!

Here’s what he’s making:

A corset! LOL. Poor Reco is dumb as a box of chocolates. If they were given designers without seeing their work, this would be ignorant but excusable. But having the f ing dress to copy and still making a corset is just…why am I still typing?

Yarn has Chanel, and she’s sketching the same outfit she was shown, but looser and in different fabric. She says that the pleating detail is all her, cuz Chanel wasn’t known for that. Cut to the pleated skirt. OY.

Why didn’t Coco think of that. Wait. SHE DID. But it’s not DEEETAAIIILED!

Haven’s gonna make an Ellen Degeneres suit, and Merl is still complaining that he doesn’t know anything about Madame Gres, even though he was JUST SHOWN THE DRESS TO COPY. What is wrong with these people? The next day, Merlin is in the same hair. I imagine he has a shower cap in the shape of a dodo hawk. He tells Haven that Madame Gres came to him in his dreams and “I cane steel smelly her perfume.” HAHAH. She told him “done fuck up, beech!” That Mad Gres was one stone cold pimp. He’s making a geometrical pleated top, even as he looks at the inspiration picture, which is a big draped formless dress.

Kenley asks Haven’s opinion about making pants for her Dior tribute. First off, after last week’s pants debacle why would you do that again? They called you the worst of the night! Second, why are you asking Haven anything? Haven doesn’t know anything. And third, if you are gonna ask Haven, why just ignore her? I think I answered that one myself. Haven says that she doesn’t think of pants when she thinks of Dior, but Kenley gets defensive and says she’s gonna do it anyway. Then she doesn’t leave. Kenley needs to put a baseball in her mouth for the rest of the hour so I can stop cursing under my breath.

The models come in for fittings, and Kenley is still asking Haven about the pants. Haven still says no. Kenley still pouts. Reco’s model asks if his inspiration is Medieval. His face is hilarious.

Not B and Eyesack come in to add nothing. MexiJay is going for Contempo Casual with his Versace look, and you know that Versace just pounded the lid of his casket. Eyesack is disturbed by the use of pleather, and MexiJay claims he was going for eco-friendly. Versace is now scraping the lid and screaming for Donatella.

Leave me lone, dahlink!

Eyesack tries to warn Reco against the corset, but Reco daddy tole him to take chances, so suck it. Not B tries to help by saying Halston made women feel beautiful. Thanks for that historical detail, Lisa Ling. Haven says she’s nervous because of the “big shoes to feel!” Haven doesn’t even have an accent, and I find it hilarious that she thinks that saying is about feeling shoes. She keeps babbling insecurely, waiting for Eyesack or Not B to reassure her. They don’t. They just give her dirty looks and move on. How much do these yokels get paid?

Eyesack is horrified at Yarn’s decision to use an eggplant flannel for a Chanel jacket, and she just laughs in his face. Not B says nothing and just walks out of the room to not sing to the left to the left while Eyesack performs his most masculine wave of the season. It must be the not grey he’s wearing.

This week, Eyesack and Not B barely even pause in the hallway for private chat. They can’t think of anything to say and no one wrote anything down for them, so they punch their time cards and go to lunch. Inside, Reco and Merlin are making fun of Yarn’s old lady jacket. We haven’t seen much of Merlin’s work today, but Reco is in no place to be throwing stones. In the little commercials clip, Kenley asks Haven the “fuck, marry, kill” question. It’s between Merlin, Johnny, or Reco. She’d kill Merlin, fuck Johnny, and marry Reco. The only part of that that doesn’t make me want to cut off my penis is the murdering Merlin part. Yarn looks jealous that she wasn’t included in the question.

James Pole tells us that Haven has her work cut out for her on her “Yeve Sen Lorran”. I love his indiscriminate use of accents. I want to hear how he pronounces McDonald’s. Eyesack warns them that there are only thirty minutes left, and Kenley looks like she needs another week. Or just talent.

Time to load in for the show. Haven can’t tell who’s work is good and who’s sucks. She thinks they all might be in trouble. I say this same thing every single week. Reco says something about Yarn picking good designers for her friends, “but in de en, day gonn pick beep ova beep so beep bullbeep deeeyen.” I have no idea what he just said, but it was fun hearing him try to talk. Wow! Look at the A list!

Secretary from No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency.

Joel Grey!





What happened to that toast’s nostrils?

Helena Bonham Carter! Where’d your eyebrows go?

Time for the show! Haven’s out first, and her work looks pretty bad. The pants are jagged and poorly sewn. She had to untuck the shirt in the back to hide a busted zipper. If there’s a flood, she’ll totally win, though.

The blouse just kinda hangs out the front of the best, like the model could barf at any time.

Good. Now spit.

Kenley’s next. Her work looks much better on her model, and she redeemed herself, at least in the pants area. The top of the top looks hot, but the bottom looks chichi.

Ew. Wait. I thought the top was opening up to a bare chest, but it’s not. It’s flesh colored satin. Poor model looks like a sad old cocktail waitress in a casino with that mess on her chest. FUG. Nice collar, though.

Yarn’s model looks like a flapper by night/substitute teacher by day. And her skirt is all squircangles! I never thought I would see that shape again!

The jacket sucks, but the dress is pretty cute on it’s own.

Reco made a ho dress. But a saloon ho in 1872. Complete with beaded corset. So. Wrong.

He should get eliminated just for pronouncing it Holeston over and over again. MexiJay turns in his best work yet, by far.

Yes, the corset looks like plastic and it’s uneven and makes the model look like she’s all areolas, but for MexiJay that’s a home run.

James Pole also did some pretty good work today. It’s very Mrs. Roeper when she was young and fashionable. I smell a spinoff!

When the model turns around, she looks like she’s wearing a diaper. But it’s a fancy diaper.

Merlin did a bizarre blue draping over turquoise beauty pageant top. Yikes.

Thinning.

There were at least three decent dresses this week, which is a record. Well done, Fashion Show! Judging time! Eyesack tells us that today’s guest judge has won the Golden Thimble award. I googled Golden Cymbal, and it turns out it actually is the Golden Thimble. Gay mouth is so confusing. There are three top audience picks this week! They are MexiJay, Kenley, and Yarn. I think MexiJay might actually win something! I just looked outside and the clouds are gathering. If it rains frogs I’m really gonna freak out.

MexiJay got the Versace look down, and Not B credits the show for teaching him how not to suck so much. Hopefully it will have that same effect on her at some point. 84% of the audience thinks Yarn has a well made dress, but the judges are unimpressed with the eggplant jacket. Fern asks bluntly if she assigned people to designers that would help them or if she tried to f her competition over, and Yarn says in a nice way that some people she f ed over. Reco is already rolling his head and giving her two snaps down.

Kenley is lauded for her little pants, and I am impressed that she didn’t immediately nannybooboo Haven. Fern wishes there was more color, but Kenley says that she doesn’t use much of that color stuff. Eyesack lectures everyone on the importance of color. He’s wearing grey again, btw. Yarn is told she’s out of the running, and Kenley smiles her fake sweet smile at the judges. They ignore her and give MexiJay the win!! And a frog just pelted my window.

The looks that disappointed the “fashion gods” are Reco and Haven! We know the judges want Reco in the end, so Haven’s most likely outsies. Reco is glaring at Yarn, which is hilarious. Guest says Reco’s model looks like the village wench, and Reco looks like he’s about to pounce.

Girrrl, you lucky I ain’t wearin’ stilettos.

Eyesack knows he was scared of Holeston, but doesn’t understand how he missed it. Not B asks him how he would change it, and Reco cries and says he would change the color. Wrong answer! That’s the only thing he got right. Fern says if his cut was completely different, it might have worked. Reco just keeps crying and apologizing. Reco says that he’s been working his ass off for seven years and this means a lot to him. Eyesack isn’t touched.

Could you bring some of those tears over here? My hair is so hard it’s poking my scalp.

Haven is told that the audience called her work messy and boring. Not B asks what Yves era she was going for and Haven says the eighties. Hack. Haven knows her work isn’t stellar but says it came out how it came out. Guest calls out the back, which she also cops to. Eyesack is most offended that she chose wool. How is this show even still going? We all know Haven and her tweety bird ass are out. The judges go to talk, and Reco sobs all over Haven’s yellow jacket. The sharpest knives are the easiest to break, people. I don’t know if that’s true, but it sounds good, doesn’t it?

The Judges think Reco was way more off the mark than Haven, but Haven’s work was a disaster too. At least Reco executed his fug dress well. The guest poses the question: “What’s worse? To not know what you’re doing and do it well, or know what you’re doing well and do it badly?” That’s the theme of the season.

Shockingly, Haven’s out! Bye bye, tweetie! Reco starts sobbing in her arms again. Oh for f’s sake, man! Haven hugs and kisses everyone as Yarn cries. Now she’s gonna have to go back to trying to get into Kenley’s pants. Reco sobs and sobs and promises to make a better stripper outfit next week. Haven is very positive and says meeting Eyesack is the best thing that ever happened to her. That’s sad. She packs up her shoulder pads and is gone.

Alexis is never gonna let me forget about this.

Did Haven deserve it? Would you still even bother with this show if Reco got kicked off? Does Merlin ever wash his hair? Until next week, thanks for being here! xo