Fashion Show: Stealing Fug

This week on Fashion Show, it comes down to ugly clothes and ugly morals. Also ugly five gallon hats, ugly Sgt Pepper jackets, and ugly magazine editors, but I don’t wanna make this confusing.

This is the only part that wasn’t hideous.

Previously: The judges decided to get rid of America’s favorite gay midget in a catsuit over a guy who made a dress for Shrek’s wife, …

…poor Merlin got booted wearing his saddest version of the faux yet, …

AlfalfaHawk

And the Judges chose Yarn Lady Ana’s umbrella rack dress for it’s “inventiveness” and then stripped every bit of inventiveness away from it to hawk on their website.

That’s perfect, except for everything. You win!

I love that the editors threw a little clip in of Veronica Webb’s shocked and disgusted face into the opening. I haven’t yet thanked them for that, and I think it’s about time I fixed that.

Thank you.

We open the week with Mexican Jay standing in front of the bathroom mirror. DID HE TAKE A SHOWER?!? His hair’s shiny, but it’s always shiny.

Get back in there. I can still smell you.

Meanwhile, in the other bathroom, Kenley uses an entire can of Aqua Net to tell Al Gore to suck her dick.

The temperature just raised two degrees in Manhattan.

Reco tells us that he’s sorry to see Merlin go, but he need to ween dis competition, OK? He need to pay his telephone beel, pay his auto mobeel, then maybe he can cheel. “I need A LOT.”

Yes you do. I’ll start by donating a nice pashmina to cover up that Jessie from Saved By the Bell jacket with vitiligo.

James Pole tells us without a hint of irony how much is sucks to be a bottom. The lack of self awareness in this cast is staggering. Speaking of, I saw this ad in TV Guide. Is ABC Family really this stupid or is some copy editor having the time of his life and giggling himself into a lung collapse?

The little bumps ruined her career in the first place. Kick her while she’s down, ABC Family Channel!

James Pole gets all dramatic and starts crying, telling us “It’s my whole life! It’s all I know how to do!” Aw. Don’t worry. Learning to bus tables is easier than it sounds. There’s hope on the horizon, tiny hack!

I just want to make shapes project out of people! WHY WON’T ANYONE LET ME PROJECT SHAPES OUT OF PEOPLE?!?

The designers go to meet Eyesack and Not Beyonce at the workroom. This is the most somberly dressed the cast been to date. Even MexiJay looks nice. For him.

The fun is gone when no one has to compete with bright red catsuits or Ugly Betty panchos any more.

Not B looks like she’s on her way to hospital church, and Eyesack is trying to blind us with yellow so we don’t notice that a. he’s not wearing grey and b. his jacket doesn’t fit.

I know we’re on a budget here, but surely y’all can afford some Spanx.

Not B says that this is the last fashion show before the finals. !?!?!?! YAAAYYYYYY!!!! Does that mean it’s over next week?! You guys I just got a vacation boner. I am not getting my hopes up though, cuz this is only ep 10, which means there should be three left. But I am praying. Hard. Eyesack tells the designers that this week’s Bazaaaa mini will test their knowledge on fabric, construction, the human body, psychological disorders, cereal brands, the color grey, Tito Jackson’s contributions to culture, and English. Well that’s the nail in everyone’s coffin. The end.

Kidding! The challenge is draping. Draping always reminds me of me and my sister dressing up in beach towels and clothespins to attend the Oscars ceremony in our living room with Romana the maid while our parents were out drinking it up and picking keys out of a bowl or some shit. Eyesack is standing next to a dress form draped in a few yards of silk (or most likely sateen). There are only six pins used for the whole thing! Not B would kill in this competition. There were many times in her youth Beyonce’s mom would pin some random fabric on her with a couple safety pins and push her out on stage to jump it jump it.

See?

The challenge is to take their sateen and twelve pins and drape away. No one looks excited for this one. Kenley openly prays to Satan and wonders what ex childstar bow she’ll wear on the side of her head for the finale.

Takakatikatakatikassssstikatakadarlatakatika.

Laura Brown is out today getting anti-freeze injected into her veins, so the Editor in Chief of Haaapaa’s Bazaaaa, Glenda Bailey and Michelle Obama’s innagural dress designer, Isabel Toledo, who looks remarkably like the other contestant in a catsuit, Wednesday Addams, are called in to sub. There were five commas in that sentence. (bows.)

Transylvania is pumping out some serious fashion contendas this year.

Reco’s all

Corn? When did I eat corn?

Then Glenda opens real wide and threatens to kill everybody with her evil monster in the dark teeth.

My necks are staaarving!

Isabel Addams, or Thursday, as her siblings call her, tells the designers just let the fabric speak for itself. Fabric is beautiful as it is, and doesn’t need too much futzing with. She’s trying to get the message across that I’ve been shouting from the rooftops since this show began: “You! All of you! Stay away from fabric! Just stay away!”

They have twenty minutes! GO! MexiJay starts off by whining that he doesn’t drape. Add that to the list of things MexiJay doesn’t do. It’s a new lacked skill every week. And don’t write down bathe, cuz you know that’s already on the list. John Pole tells us that he always draped stuff with…wait for it…the actual drapes in his house! Fascinating. Maria Von Trapp did it first, hacklet. Now pull down some curtains and put them over your head for awhile before I change the channel.

I wish I was there to drape that face.

He’s not done. He tells us that sateen is like a very gentle woman and you have to treat her right. The thought of James Pole boning a girl has me dumbfounded. Time is short and the challenge is rough, so there’s not much talking for this one. Time is called and Reco shows first. He’s managed to make his trademark pointy boob covers with pins! WOWEE! This guy can turn any outfit into stripper gear, and that’s talent. Not the kind that will win him much respect or even a decent living, but he’ll definitely fill a need. Strippers without clothes to take off are just naked girls without rhythm ruining Poison songs, and that’s not a business.

No, he’s peeing on them.

Glenda disses Reco with a Joan Collins remark and moves on to Yarn, who’s work she loves. Yarn looks like she prepared for the hunchback model to wear her dress.

MexiJay made a t-shirt with a Santino rope around it. His dress form makes Reco’s look like the Queen of England. Glenda calls it Banonna Drama. Hey he didn’t pick yellow, it was there! Glenda looks really mean and witchy, like the lady who puts razor blades in candy apples at Halloween. I have a feeling her scarf is covering a tiny demon head protruding from her neck. But even witches are right sometimes. MexiJay blows.

I can’t wait til she tries to judge Hansel and Gretel. They’ll show her ass.

Reco nods and smiles as they trash MexiJay’s work. LOL. Thursday Addams is impressed with how Kenley heard her fabric. Kenley totally agrees that she’s awesome. Her dress form looks ridiculous to me, but it might be the HATE EVERYTHING KENLEY filter I installed back in May.

The fabric begged to be turned into a society lady with one droopy boob, and Kenley listened. Congrats!

James made what Thursday Addams sweetly calls “a sack”. I think he used two pins. This guy is so fucking terrible. I miss you Merlin!

If this was made out of brown muslin and came with leggings and a jacket, Fran would put it on for judging.

Kenley wins, and Glenda calls her work “youthful and modern”. I guess leaky saline sacks are modern, and there’s no reason women with one deflated boob shouldn’t have their own designer standing up for them. The elimination is to use Swarovski crystals to make an evening gown. MexiJay look gets that “finally! I get to use my glue gun!” look on his face when he sees the Michael’s store laid out on the table.

The winner will receive plastic flowers and a macrame kit to make their own plant holders.

Not B is waiting for them on the fabric store set, and Reco exclaims “Wha tha hayell ih Not B doin at da fabric sto?” LOL. He should record some books on tape. Not B’s not just there to not talk, she came to introduce their help for the challenge. Other designers! As Tax Haven, Disappointed Midwestern Mom, Underoo, and the girl who likes exposing her fabrics to UV rays, Fabric Cancer, enter, Kenley faux exclaims “this is sooo emotional!” The smiles are gone when we get a shot of huge platforms, red velvet bell bottoms and a silver belt.

OMG. Burt Reynolds?!?!

No just Merlin. YAAAY!! He took the bird feathers off his other hat and added it to a five gallon hat. I am suddenly interested in this show again.

Hello, beechesss!

Kenley almost throws up. She is worried that Merlin’s back for revenge. Let’s hope so! Poor eliminated souls look like the not getting laid guys with desperate cruisy eyes outside the gay bar after closing.

Clearance rack.

Kenley gets to pick first, and she takes Haven. Then Yarn’s vagina comes out and smacks her viciously. Reco (accurately) says that Haven was the worst possible choice, and they’ll both spend the whole time “talkin bout listick and sheeit.” Yarn takes Disappointed Midwestern mom, who’s in a disappointing ascot.

Masterpiece Theater: Another Chance to Escape Disappointing Children

James Pole disses poor Fabric Cancer, and it’s heart breaking to watch.

She sux donkey sac, soooo…

He takes Merlin instead, cuz “he understands my work process.” Merlin congratulates him on his choice and promises to do his best to help him project shapes out of his model’s body. Reco takes Underoo “to keep me company”, which leaves poor Fabric Cancer as last choice. Aw! When you get chosen after Underoo, you’re career is in the shitter. MexiJay goes “uh….yeah.” WHAT A DICK! He tells us that she sucks and he’d rather be assigned a janitor. WOW. She was dissed by James Pole and MexiJay, two of the worst people to ever be on TV EVER. I’m going to take a moment to google “Fabric Cancer Fashion Show Suicide”. Keep your fingers crossed that she made it out ok.

Go! Kenley knows that she is supposed to be using more color, but she is attracted to the grey crystals cuz they remind her of how the clouds look right before Satan sends bolts of lighting down to kill small children. Yarn helps MexiJay add how many yards of fabric he needs while he whines that he doesn’t doooo eveeening goooowns! Shocker. If you think about it, it really is unfair. There hasn’t been a garbage challenge this season. Mexi was robbed!

Yarn won with her flowered umbrella rack skirt last week, so she’s chosen a very similar pattern for this challenge. As they say, if it ain’t broke, break it. Merlin is “hhayppy to do whatayver it take to mayke Jame Pole ween!”, meanwhile, MexiJay whines and moans about not being able to do evening wear. Finally, he decides to just rip off something hideous he saw on TV.

If there’s a way to make this dress look any fuglier, MexiJay will find it.

Reco says his muse is Victoria Becham: “chclathy, thophisticatet, clean.” He’s probably just hoping the producers are so into ripping off PR that they invite Mrs. Beckham back to judge the finale. He’s using a very similar color to the fug ho knockoff from a couple of weeks ago, which can’t be a good sign. Yarn knows that she’s making an umbrella rack detail extremely similar to her work last week, but just shrugs and says that taking risks are important. I don’t think remaking your winning dress would really be considered “risky.” “Ill thought out” or “lazy” or just plain “dumb”, maybe.

Haven, I need you! Come back to me!

Fabric Cancer seems to be in total control over at MexiJay’s table, but not because she’s being an overbearing bitch. MexiJay won’t do anything but stand there and sigh and complain. I want this design to win, just so Fabric Cancer can prove that she still deserves to be here over him. Somehow, the producers have me rooting for MexiJay. They’re smarter than they seem.

The next day, work starts off quietly. At least vocally. Hair wise it’s pretty loud in there. Merlin looks like he’s auditioning for a secretary role in Mad Men.

Disappointed Midwestern mom tells Yarn he wishes his brats at home were as talented as she is, but he didn’t see that she made the same thing last week. And it’s not just a little like it. Take a look.

A dress to store your wet umbrellas? You’re parents must be sooo proud of you little one! I am and I’m not even your mommy!

MexiJay’s making a statement about war and scrunchi sashes over at his table, and he can’t sew anything right so it’s all a big mess. Fabric Cancer is supportive, but then she goes to gossip with James Pole about how Mexi has no construction ability. James Pole laughs and then asks her if he can borrow some scotch tape to finish his dress.

The fear of outfits like this fuels the entire gays in the military debate.

MexiJay sees them chatting and fears that Fabric Cancer is there to sabotage him. Yes, MJay. She got in a time machine and went back to your teens and early twenties and gave you lots of pot and Dorito’s to make sure you’d never get off the couch long enough to learn how to sew before you started calling yourself a fashion designer on national television. She’s a slick bitch, that Fabric Cancer.

SO THAT’S WHY I SUCK!

Haven warns Kenley that her dress is getting a little sad with all the grey. Kenley says she agrees that it’s starting to look like a uniform, and she already ignored Haven’s advice once this season and almost got eliminated. Haven thinks the model looks like a nun. I say pigeon. Either way, it’s fugnacious.

That girl will take your breadcrumbs then turn around and poop on you.

Not B and Eyesack come in to not be helpful. Eyesack gives Fabric Cancer a big hello and says something about the two working together. MexiJay says “process of elimination.” DICK. Eyesack is like uh, rude! and MexiJay tries to cover and pretend he was joking. Too late. MexiJay only used a few crystals on the back of the belt, and Eyesack calls him out on not making an evening gown before and sarcastically calls his choice to line chiffon with taffeta “interesting.” Later, Mexi is dumbfounded, asking Fabric Cancer “We’re supposed to line it with silk, right?” She guiltily mumbles “mmhmm.” LOL. Is she as ignorant as he is, or did she not warn him on purpose? His paranoia might not be so far fetched after all.

Reco’s next, and he isn’t using many jewels either. Scratch that. He’s using crystal bracelets. LOL. HELLO? Are these people gonna at least TRY to follow the challenge even once? Eyesack snivels and moves on to Yarn. Not B isn’t impressed with the reuse of the umbrella rack and the floral idea, and offers her only form of advice. A dirty look.

James Pole is “making something three dimensional and putting it over something simple.” That’s fancy talk for “I’m sewing a pillowcase to her vag .”

Fire up the Bentley and get the monkey dressed! We’re going out!

He too, is light on beads, opting to use gold chain neckline trim instead. He can’t even do that right.

Eyesack tells him that Merlin’s construction skills are desperately needed at this stage. Ouch. And true, but you were the one who kicked Merlin off for being too good at construction and making wearable clothes. Ass. Next up is Kenley, who Eyesack only has severe scrunch face for because of her decision to use two greys. He asks Haven what she thinks and she says it’s gloomy. Kenley flashes devil eyes, and Eyesack says gloomy’s not good while Kenley tries to whine/convince him that it is. Face scrunch. “Good luck, darling.” Eyesack will forget all that and call this the most brilliant thing he’s ever seen by night’s end.

Corn? When did I eat corn?

When he leaves, Kenley fumes. “Gloomy? Of course it’s gloomy. It’s a thunderstorm.” It’s a shitstorm. But thank you for not cursing on TV. Families could be watching. She grabs some light grey and drapes it around her existing work. Fixing too much grey with more grey. She’s a thinker, that one.

Not helping.

Underoo tries to help Reco, but Reco just blows him off and leaves him sitting there reading magazines. Reco says he’s good to look at and that’s the only reason he picked him. LOLOLL. It’s so nice to see sexism applied fairly on this show.

Sooooo….boxers or briefs?

The next morning, a recording of Not B saying to dress perty for the fashion show is sent to the cheap ass purple phone. James Pole gets all excited and starts singing Signs but Not B isn’t really on the other line, so she’s not offended.

Kenley decides to not listen to anyone and do all grey. Called it! Not like it was hard or anything, but still. Merlin gives really bad advice to James Pole.

Suggesting Pole try to fuck his way to the top is just mean. That can only lead to crying and covering himself in curtains.

Eyesack comes in and tells the helpers to hit the road. Merlin must have had a stressful time, cuz he’s lost another huge chunk of hair.

The audience starts filling the seats, and I’m guessing this crowd is rigged.

Why do I suspect this chick’s rooting for Kenley?

Kenley worries when she sees the brightness of MexiJay and Yarns dresses, and MexiJay thinks that he’s a shoo in for the finals cuz he’s “hellariginal”. Uh, hella was like two years ago. But then again, hammer pants were two decades ago, so I guess he’s improving.

MexiJay added some detailing to the scrunchi sash, but the dress is just a huge rip off of the Gyllenhaal mess, boogar style. The only pretty part is that layered Oscar the Grouch scrunchie thing on the front, and you know that’s all Fabric Cancer, cuz Mexi Jay has no idea to do that. He didn’t add crystals either. He probably pocketed a few though. You know that shit’s gonna be on craigslist the second he gets kicked off.

James Pole made a stiff as can be velvet dress with a comforter on the bottom. EW! So. Fucking. UGLY. I am out of adjectives. This show has used up all my mortified adjectives. Seriously, could they find like ONE person with ANYTHING resembling talent? Dear Bravo, BOOOOOOOO. Hate, Flipit.

For socialites who like to nap on a long subway ride home.

Yarn’s out next. I actually like hers a lot. I am not taking back my letter, though. The floral print is perty, and the bow with a jeweled inside is great. Fit, construction, all good stuff. The umbrella rack in the back is toned down a bit and not as blatant as is was before. If anything, it’s the dress’ downfall. The model looks like a big formless butted wonder. How is this poor girl supposed to sit down?

Reco made a dress for one of the nominees for best actress in a gang bang flick.

The colors are bright and vibrant if he didn’t just make another hoochie scrunched up wreck. Eyesack wasn’t happy with his bracelet idea, so he added a last minute mourning patch on a boob. OY. I haven’t seen the back yet, but I’m predicting it will be assless.

Close!

Not B says “I’d wear this on stage!” I rest my case. Kenley is next. The neck looks like a fancy shower caddy, and the top doesn’t have a very flattering fit. What is it with Kenley and her one saggy boob idea? Me thinks Kenley might have one tiny boob and one really big flabby one. She’s projecting her pain onto her model, and it’s not cool.

Her use of crystals, though, as haphazard and all over the place they might be, will save her. And gee, guess who’s rooting for Kenley?!?

Told ya! There’s an unbreakable kinship between girls way too old to be wearing giant bows in their hair.

Fern’s wearing leggings and a psychedelic muumuu, but sitting in the same row as Glenda, she looks like Princess Grace.

I don’t know what the hell she’s wearing around her neck, but it looks painful.

The two biggest vote getters are Yarn and Kenley! WTF?!?!? Yarn deserves it, but that grey dress SUCKS ASS! Eyesack is just happy Kenley has crystals that show. See? She followed the challenge, so no matter that that neckline looks like cheap plastic gravel thrown onto fly paper. ARGH. Yarn’s work is called elegant, and Fern likes the slit up the front. The judges have all nice things to say, and she starts crying. Aw! I think it has more to do with spending so much time close yet so far away from Haven.

Yarn says that she stuck to her beliefs and wasn’t gonna change a thing. Glenda thinks that the grey is sophisticated. No one says the words shower caddy. Worse, they choose KENLEY as the winner! ARHGHGHGHGH. I’m totally gonna start praying to Satan. That shit works.

The safe designer is Reco, with his craptacular My Little Ho-ney dress. Fug. MexiJay and James Pole’s models come out. You know Mexi’s out, cuz it’s a rip off that managed to outfug the original fug. James Pole is told that his dress looks like a velvet Elvis painting, and Glenda thinks it looks like the drape dress Scarlett O’Hara made herself. LOL. She adds that it’s “tortured.” Bwahahaha.

Glenda tells MexiJay that his dress is the most beautiful, the most modern, and the one she’d most like to see on the red carpet. MexiJay gets all excited and fidgety, thinking he’s about to be handed the keys to a Ford. Glenda finishes with, “the only trouble is, I have seen it on the red carpet.” OK sorry Fern, but Glenda’s here to take your place. Leave your leggings in your locker and gtfo. Kenley and Yarn both laugh openly.

Eyesack whips out the pic of Gyllenhaal! HAHAHAHAHAH! I googled that shit for nothing.

“We’re in the Money” starts playing and MexiJay tap dances, saying he feels so dumb for not realizing that it’s already been done. He had no idea Gyllenhaal ever wore a dress like this!

He’s not only a liar, he’s a bad, shifty, blatant, stupid, smelly liar with no grooming skills and polka dots. The worst kind. Fern is offended that he thought the judges would be dumb enough to not recognize the dress. Cuz y’all have a stellar record for recognizing fashion so far this season. I don’t blame him for thinking you’re a bunch of hacky chumps. Eyesack says he’s disappointed in them both. The judges go off to have private time. Reco tells Mexi that his dress looked identical to the original while Yarn tries not to smell him.

Reco pulls out some idolized salt and starts patting it into the open wound that is MexiJay, telling him he’s always joking about ripping off designers and “in every joke dare some troof.” Mexi whines that it’s all Fabric Cancer’s fault for not telling him it had been done before!! WHAT?!? OH. MY. GAWD. He does realize this is all being FILMED, right? WHAT A MORON. He goes on and on, and Yarn’s face reflects America’s.

America: MOISTURIZE!

Glenda starts off the judges’ conversation by putting it right out there: it’s between ugly and stolen. Then she bites the head off a mouse and swallows it whole.

Now I know who she looks like! Joan Cusack dressing like a man dressing like a woman. I smell a Victor/Victoria remake!

Eyesack thinks that ugliness is worse than lying, but they all agree that both designers suck bawls. They go back to the stage and Eyesack tells James Pole he’s hopeless and MexiJay he’s a liar and a hack. MexiJay’s out! And he’s out with a lecture from Eyesack about integrity. I keep waiting for them to kick off Pole too, but they congratulate him on MexiJay being a thief. He thanks them for seeing his “concepts.” LOL. This show is so sad.

Pole tells us that he’s gonna create another “alternative fashion” that’s gonna “shape the world” and “marvel them”. I have never seen someone so inspired by being called hopeless.

There’s the corn I ate!

MexiJay tells us that he’s offended that the judges used the word knock-off. “It was just similar!” Then he’s off to smoke a bowl at home. And not take a shower.