Fashion Show: The Psychic Physic

This week on Fashion Show, an angel loses its wings but Honduras gains a midget in a catsuit.

Uh oh. His feathers are raised. Get a net before he shits all over us.

There’s a knock at the door and Reco gets up from his salt soaked pillow to answer. It’s a guy with a hairline that starts in the middle of his head who won’t look him in the eye. The average extra was afraid of Reco, and the show hadn’t even aired yet. What? You’ve never seen a guy with a t-shirt cut to below the nipples before?

I loved you on In Living Color, sir. Have you done anything since?

No I’m Not Going Bald I Just Have a Big Forehead gives Reco some shopping bags from Eyesack Mizrahi himself!! I predict those bags will be full of grey clothes. Or apology letters for ruining the budding designers’ reputation in the industry with this show. Or lube. Who knows? Open them! Reco announces “special delivvy!” and everyone gathers around Merlin’s bed. Reco, having been humbled and shamed last week, makes a turn on his personal path to kindness and self awareness and tells Merlin he has morning breath. That didn’t last long. Merl doesn’t care. His first instinct upon waking up is to raise the roof.

Can I gate a que que?

There are boxes with womens bed robes and a typed note from Eyesack. I’m sorry, but you know he doesn’t know how to type. I don’t even think he signed it.

One of you is gonna get fucked so hard by the end of this episode that you’re gonna need extra extra KY.

Mexican Jay is all excited cuz the good Lord made it rain frogs last week and handed him a win so a loose, formless, unsewn piece of clothing that requires very little talent as the weekly surprise object tells him it’s another good sign. The remaining designers take the robes to the workroom, where Eyesack’s waiting for them wearing WHITE and leather!! WOWEE!! It’s a new dawn! Lined up like that, the contestants look like they’re auditioning for the role of Linus in “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown!”

“I love mankind, it’s people I can’t stand.” – Linus Van Pelt

Reco looks like a Superhero.

Green Ho net

Eyesack makes a big face and exclaims “There are sixxss of you!” in a tone that says “Time goes by so fast!” Nice try, sack. This show feels like it’s been on five years too long and needs to be put to sleep. Merlin tells us the bayst dreem of hees life eezs to ween! His original bayst dream was to kill a gremlin and make a cap, but he accomplished that and had to find something else.

Somewhere in Tegucigalpa, the capital of Honduras, Merlin is probably wearing that same hat and his catsuit while rioting in the streets with the rest of the city. Think about that for a second. And….we’re back. Speaking of Merlin, I wanted to let you know that his signature dodo hawk is catching on. At least at the San Diego Zoo, which I visited this week. I saw this bird and it brought a tear to my eye.

Merleen mide gayte heezs bayst dreeeeem!

Not that this has anything to do with anything, but I also saw this at the zoo.

You’re welcome.

Laura Brown, in a belted pair of PJ’s to celebrate the theme, introduces the Director of Fashion Accessories from Sax Fifth Ave.

Get yourself to the Director of Women’s Not Flattering Leather Pants and Pregnancy Blouses and get yourself together, woman! You’re on TV.

All Reco hears is “buyer”, even though that word hasn’t been said.

You got any take home samples?

Kenley, in her Boy George Detective Agency getup, isn’t impressed.

That poor cow.

Beth, the guest, intros the robes. They aren’t just any normal fancy Meemaw robes. These are designed by Fernando Sanchez, k? Fernando looks like Tony Bennett.

After being starved in a dark room for a month and then forced to work as a Country Club bus boy.

Fernando came up with loungewear, with the mantra that people should look just as good chillin’ at home as they do going out. I know that’s how I live.

How I look at bedtime, and sometimes going out. Thanks Fernando Sachez!

The Bazaaa Challenge is to make pj’s to match the robe. The winner will be sold with the original Fernando Sanchez robe at SAX!! Holy crap. That’s quite a prize. Sax is smart, and you know this is only a sleepwear challenge cuz they insisted on being able to cover up the fug winning outfit on the mannequins, if need be. Images of his name in lights swim in Reco’s head, and he says Sax over and over again in his special way. I had to rewind, cuz I thought he was saying “thack thack thack”. I even looked it up on urbandictionary.

Thack:

Where a girl has a horrbile thick knotted pubes..

“I woke up feeling a clear case of thack attack as I rub my tongue along my teeth” – Urbandictionary.com

Reco doesn’t want to go to crazy on this challenge and end up on the bottom, so he goes with a simple onesie and tells the camera man “y’all had me cryin’ like a bee-ee-atch” last week. Ana the Yarn lady is making shorts and a baby doll dress, which might not be a bad idea considering the guest judge has hinted that she’s into unflattering bottoms and bloating tops.

MexiJay tells us he doesn’t have much experience with lingere, “but how hard can it be to make a…thong. A panty. Whatever.” Then he giggles. I’ll excuse his ignorance here, cuz he doesn’t seem the pajama type. MexiJay goes to bed in a marinade of his own nasty juices after he finally passes out from his pork rine and Dreyer’s binge. Who dresses for that? The nervous, idiotic giggling continues in the workroom, where he snips his fingers and the front of his baby doll dress. He laughs and laughs about it, but really in the end it’s not like there’s elimination for this challenge, so who cares? Not him. He laughs and talks openly about not caring and leaving his work in it’s current suck form.

Kenley has taken off her jacket and wow. She’s going for layering, but has inadvertently created giant horizontal stripes. She’s gonna be so mortified when she sees this that she’s gonna swallow five bags of Chex Mix whole and throw a pet at someone.

What do they feed these people? Kenley gains five pounds a week.

Meanwhile, Merlin makes pants for Wynonna Judd if she ever lands in the hospital.

Yarn says she’s making short shorts in honor of Haven. You know, the girl who just GOT KICKED OFF. Smooth move, ExLax. I don’t think I’ve used that one since fifth grade. It felt good, I’m not gonna lie. Anyway, MexiJay giggles, rolls his eyes, and asks if that’s her ho-mage. LOL. You know he thinks that’s how it’s really pronounced.

Yo. Stop peeking up the dress form’s top. It’s not really Haven, you perv.

Is James Pole wearing a wig?

Time is called, and the designers line up their work. So sad. They look like they’re rolling around oxygen tanks. Oxygen tanks dressed like headless old ladies residing in the terminal wing of the hospital complaining about their kids being to come visit and pooping on themselves.

Which Golden Girl are you?

Kenley goes first. She made a daywear outfit with string waist. She explains that she thought of a man’s shirt kinda spiced up and tells Laura Brown that she always wears a jumpsuit to bed, which says quite a lot, really. Only one trying to get in em is Yarn, and she’s confined to a different bunk. Laura sweetly smiles and asks “really?” Then she turns ice cold and says, deadpan, “we have nothing in common.” SNAPPLE.

Is it the stripes?

Yarn’s baby doll dress with short shorts doesn’t get any comments from the judges, but it should win. At least it’s brighter than the other work. There are already a million pj’s like that, but nothing else is even close to presentable, even with all the bedside lamps turned off.

Merlin says he leeve by da school and he see da lady wearing baggy pants and sweat shirts. What every woman wants to look like at night, a stressed out mom. Great pitch! The judges say it’s way too much and he should have tried tailoring and not making the dress form look like a quarterback. He doesn’t seem to understand what they’re saying. He just stands there with a dumbfounded look on his face, his little brain computing as fast as it can. When he finally gets through the translation in his head, he’s gonna be horrified.

So…jew like jess o no? Ees dees da bayst life I dreeam abow?

MexiJay giggles at the stone faced judges about how he’s embarrassed to even show them his mess. He keeps a smile on his face. They never break.

Props on the bun, though.

MexiJay, still smiling big, tells us that he knows he sucked on this one and a child could have done better than him. Yes, but could they possibly have smelled as bad? No. That kind of funk takes years to settle in. Reco made high waisted, long shorts and scrubs with uneven trim. James Pole makes even MexiJay look talented. His version of “Vietnamese Trousers” are really poorly made hammer pants. Fug. I hadn’t seen hammer pants since the eighties til this show, and now I’ve seen them like ten times. Guest says that they look kinda unfinished and the crotch is “a little low”. LOL. She might have added that the waist is unsewn and badly folded and the legs are uneven, but there’s only an hour.

Those pants look like the carcass of a pink person who lost 500 pounds and didn’t get their skin tightened.

Yarn wins!! Called it! Score one for pregnant women who still want to look sexy before bed. Eyesack points out that she’s the first of the designers to get into Sax, and Merlin looks really happy for her.

I don dreem dees.

Eyesack excuses Guest and Laura Brown and tells the designers that winning this show will be the most important thing to happen to them in their entire lives. That’s sad, and most likely true. Then he mentions that Not B isn’t there. Hadn’t noticed. They all go to meet her on West 29th St, which James Pole describes as a super shady area where no one is dressed well. HAHAHAH. Unlike the cast, who looks straight out of an LL Queen catalogue. Pole is afraid he’s gonna get shot. If only.

Scary. How come deez people got no faces?

They see this sign:

In case we can’t read, Merlin tells us what it says. “A physic!” Bwahahahah. Reco says that black people don’t do psychics. “We go to da preacher man!” I would love to be a fly on the wall in that confessional.

Y’all need to put waist high holes in these partitions. This heah’s buuuuulsheeeat. How I suppose to fit my wang through a metal grate?

Not B and Eyesack are waiting for them inside the Physic’s Studio. Eyes says that they probably want to know how they’re going to do in the competition. I want to know why Not B’s skirt looks like it’s melting.

The old lady with them is Nancy Stark, “one of the great psychics of our day!” Nancy doesn’t believe in hair product or teeth whitener, which makes me wonder if we are going to learn one day that these household items will give us cancer or something. MexiJay gets the first reading and is told that he’s going to be traveling very soon. All the other designers are shocked that she could tell he was going home today. HAHA. She assures him that this isn’t a done deal and he just needs to be more playful. I don’t think lack of playfulness is his problem. It’s more a lack of grooming and talent. But thanks. Money back?

MexiJay says that he just needs to tell himself that he’s a good designer and he’s still a contenda. Never does he stop to think to tell himself to stop sucking so hard. Reco’s next. We know cuz he asks “What on erf ih gettin’ red tuh happen?” He’s scared cuz he watched horror movies as a kid “wif little white girls playin’ wif tarot cards and day get all possessed.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. The physic tells him that he has great possibilities as he rolls his eyes at her openly.

Y’all lucky I didn’t eat no pea soup.

Kenley is told to believe in herself. How much does this old bitch cost? That’s it? Kenley tells us everyone knew at a very young age how talented she was cuz she would sit all by herself and draw instead of building blocks with the other kids. If her personality then was anything like it is now, this makes a lot of sense. It’s not called talent, it’s called being unbearable to be around.

James Pole is told to listen to his inner voice and be more practical. If this woman really wanted to help him, she would have told him to start drinking eight glasses of water a day and washing his face once in awhile. Rip off! Yarn is told that her card symbolizes love. The physic tries to relate this to fashion, but can’t get Haven’t vagina out of her head.

I see a blonde flower waiting to be plucked.

One talent this physic does have is the ability to not mock people when that’s the most obvious choice.

I see…pink. And a very warm, oily scalp.

Merlin picked the same card as MexiJay, but he tries not to take it as a sign that he’s getting the boot. He rationalizes it to mean that “dees da tyme to moof up een my a careear. Ees locky card!” If you do get put on a bus back to Honduras, you might wanna change your hat. People on busses can be cruel.

The challenge is to create a design based on the card they chose. Oh for crying out loud. This show is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. What the hell kind of challenge is that? Just rip off the PR challenges. It’s not like you’ve had any shame thus far.

My prediction: Everyone will make Dionne Warwick outfits.

And they will be a massive improvement over previous weeks.

At the fabric store, Yarn finds a print with giant flowers all over it and feels it’s very her. Hm. I would think more acid washed denim and cat pee stained t-shirts with horses on them, but I’ll go with flowers. James Pole insists that he’s gonna “keep it simple”. LOL. Cuz he’s usually just so damn intricate. He should have been kicked off for those pajama pants. Just sayin’. Merlin says since his card was travel related, he’s going to make sweat pants. For a runway show. That idea’s gonna make the physic look, well, psychic.

At the end of the day, Reco shows his new positive attitude by letting Kenley go out the door first. She thanks him as he glares daggers at her. LOL. It’s so fun watching him try to be nice.

The next day, everyone has decided to up their games. Reco is making pants to prove he can do them better dan anyone in da comptishun, and Yarn has made a wearable umbrella rack.

Merlin walks around the workroom confused, saying “somebody took my beans again.” Oh wait. Subtitles. He says pins, not beans. Beans were way more interesting. Jack and the Beancock. Kenley is sure that the physic is psychic, which means either MexiJay or Merlin is going home. She doesn’t care, because she’s still in! Woah, horsie. There’s still half an episode to go, and you’re making the same see through jacket you made week one or two.

Shirley Temple didn’t even look this drab when she thought her dad died in Little Princess.

Merlin is positive that he’ll be safe. He says he’s from a very poor farming family. He came here to build a fashion empire, and he’s gonna get it dammit! He’s like a Jackie Collins heroine. But not sexy. Or smart. Or talented. Or readable. Love the feather though!

Sucky from Hollywood Honduran Midgets

MexiJay sits around gossiping with Kenley and Yarn, who are thankfully sitting on different couches. He says that he doesn’t want to even make it to the end if it’s with Reco or Merlin, cuz he thinks they’re talentless. Or, as he says “I don’t take them serious.” Nice English, PigPen. This coming from the guy who can’t even make fucking pajamas. Guys? You might wanna start…working?

That wall looks totally fat.

The models come in for their fittings, and Kenley goes on and on about how she was told to be more internal and her name means “bird” in Hebrew. Who else feels like hunting right now? Reco calls it, pointing out that she’s making the exact same outfit she’s made before. James Pole is having trouble with his outfit fitting his model. It can’t be because he has no idea what he’s doing. It’s because “she has a hump.” LOL NO HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.

On top of calling her a hunchback, you’ve made her fat to boot. I see you going places. Like Hell.

For some reason that I don’t think was shown, Merlin has had to borrow a pair of Reco’s pants. He looks like a guy again, and it’s disconcerting.

Kenley takes time out of her busy schedule to tell us how sucky Merlin’s work is. She’s right though, which makes Merlin’s sin unforgivable.

Not B and Eyesack come in to not give any opinions. Eyesack starts with a scrunchy face at MexiJay’s work and then moves on. Thanks for coming! MexiJay tells us that he finally wants this as much as everyone else. This doesn’t make his design better, but it’s good to see him with a positive outlook. Maybe he’ll take a shower now.

After saying nothing to Yarn about her umbrella rack, they move on to give shocked looks to James Pole as he describes wanting “shapes that are projecting outside the body.” You know, like skin tags.

This is more shocking than the day I found out I have mange.

Pole tells us that sob story about being a kid no one understood and says this is his chance to “show the world that there are another way of doing clothes.” Yeah…still don’t understand. But thanks for taking the time to shit on English. Eyesack actually gives some advice to Reco, saying he wants to see his personality in his work. Reco says that he’s “holded back” and will do his best to push through. Is it only this show that no one knows how to talk, or do people in the fashion world just not have the language part of the brain working? When the cameras are off they probably just grunt and click at each other.

Not B and Eyesack say nothing to Merlin, and he tells us that he wants some recognition cuz he’s been stuck his whole life in one position.

Not B and Eyesack go into the hallway and say nothing. The next morning, Merlin decides to wear a kilt while telling us that MexiJay’s card (the same one he picked) means he’s going home. HAHAHAH. All that “da card mean I travel to da nexx layvel” bs is out the window. Time for the show! The A List starts wandering in, and the producers have really outdone themselves this week.

Did you know that outside of work, Ronald McDonald is a giant queen?





It’s one of the evil mushrooms from that Mario Brothers game!

Merlin’s Six of Swords outfit is the first to walk, and it’s not as bad as it looked in the workroom. It’s actually kinda cute, for sweat pants. He might not be traveling back to the farm today, after all. If he does, he will have a cute pair of sweat pants to wear to the Honduras Wal Mart.

Might wanna add some kind of push up bra.

I don’t know what Reco’s work has to do with the card he chose, but it looks great. His best yet. It’s the first thing he’s made that looks as good as his sketch.

We get a good shot of Guest Judge. She looks like James Pole in a Michael Jackson wig.

Yarn’s giant umbrella rack is next. The red on top isn’t too flattering, but at least this dress is interesting and doesn’t suck….for a lint trap.

Kenley’s work is a sloppy mess. Her model looks like she’s going to a dinner party in Little Armenia.

I have a feeling there’s gonna be some ground lamb and old fat guys with hair coming out of their ears at this party.

James Pole has made a simple grey dress and then added fabric saddlebags and foofy shoulders. Fug.

This woman looks like a ball sac.

The back is even worse.

Eyesack’s face says it all.

MexiJay made a cute silk t-shirt and one of the most hideous puke green skirts I’ve ever seen. He added a “basket” to the skirt made out of chichi flowered material and the whole thing is just wrong.

CUTE! Maybe he’s finally on to something!

Never mind. She looks like she has a donkey penis.

Judging time. Merlin and Yarn should switch skirts.

Fern is dressed for a fourth of July potato sack race. Que glamour!

Eyesack intros Vivienne Tam, James Pole’s mom. Rigged! Not B only really has to say one line every week, and she still sounds like a four year old learning how to read. The two highest vote getters are Reco and Yarn! Reco’s got this one in the bag. Nope! Yarn wins!! Ah well, at least people always getting stuck in the rain have something to look forward to on the Bravo site.

The worst looks are Merlin and James Pole. How in the world did MexiJay escape? HOW? 92% of the audience said they wouldn’t buy Pole’s work. The only one who liked it was the gay Ronald McDonald. Pole claims he followed his intuition. That’s kinda the problem, buddy. Your intuition blows. Fern thinks the fat skirt is unflattering, and Eyesack says that his karmic challenge is to learn how to design for actual people. Fern likes that he has a point of view even though he mostly sucks week after week. Point of view? And what is his point of view, exactly? Anyone? His mom babbles on in some other language and the judges move on to Merl.

His work is too junior and no one would buy the pants. Merlin says their criticism makes him feel good. ?? He says if he do wrong he has head. Huh? The material isn’t talking to him. I don’t know what he is saying and the poor subtitle guys are on a much needed break. Fern thinks that no young woman would look good in it and there’s too much going on. Eyesack loves the color but that’s it. He calls him on loading up the details and Fern says it doesn’t look it was made by a designer. Ouch. Wow. He’s going home, isn’t he? NOOOOO!!!!! Down with Pole!!

In private time, Fern thinks that Merl’s work looks like it belongs in a bargain bin. Not B hates James Pole’s work, and Eyes agrees. Pole will be safe cuz he has “fabulous vision”. And yet he SUCKS EVERY TIME. Back at the stage, Merl is losing his shit, spewing bile all over the place. He says loudly that MexiJay’s work was hideous and Kenley just makes the same shit over and over and there are no subtitles here so that’s pretty much all I get. He goes on and on, and it’s uglier than his feather hat. And he’s out!!

That means a lot coming from Pole.

Merlin says that he has lots of poseabeeleetees and he’s excited to stard hees empyr. Everyone has a place, Merlin. Yours is milking the family goat. But dammit, you’ll do it in style, kid!