Fashion Show: Yarn Gets Enough Cash to Buy Haven Shoulder Pads for Life. Ah, Love.

Tonight on Fashion Show, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. THE END.

I wish my brain had this option.

OK so much happens in the first few seconds of this episode that my brain started leaking out my ear. First off, when did Troll Dolls come out of the closet?

Made in Honduras, girl.

People go bald, k? Accept it and stop making a damn fool of yourself. AND WHO ARE YOU?!

I have sat here for five minutes, and I can’t come up with one single caption. Just. WOW.

I hope there’s a twist tonight and he has to make that for an impromptu normal woman challenge.

So, over the season we’ve discussed this show at length with each other, friends, and the general consensus is that it’s a sad PR rip off with little promise and lots and lots of hair gel and grey jackets for Eyesack Mizrahi. Yet, here we are. By the end of this episode, we will have spent twelve hours of our lives with this show, and to not have at least a little bit of love for it would be totally insensitive. Lets go back together and visit the good times.

I got nothin. Oh, wait. Here’s something. Dear Fashion Show, Thank you for forcing Andy Bobblehead Cohen to take a fucking break for at least one reunion show. Love, Flipit. Tonight we get Eyesack!! In all his scrunched up disapproving Jew face glory.

It’s a big night! He’s wearing two shades of grey!

He’s here with the usual suspects, Not Beyonce and Fern, who is wearing Indian Meemaw PJs.

I make you potato. You like.

Fern makes an effort to be animated and charming, but she sounds like she’s imitating Meryl Streep’s upcoming version of Julia Child. She seems insecure after watching the season and is trying to compensate for her general layer of flash. YOU DON”T NEED FLASH! WE LOVE YOU! She looks like Bruce Vilanch with a shower, a shave, and a new pair of Gokey Lenses TM. What’s not to love?

Fern, if someone sends you a link to this, please know that I LOVE YOU!!!

It’s awesome hearing Eyesack talk so much. I love his gay drawl. One sentence starts all low and then gets higher and higher and then super low again by the end of the sentence. It reminds me of the sound of a cartoon character falling through the sky and then bouncing all the way back up again. But with more range. He’s got like three octaves. He’s the Mariah Carey of Gay Complainy Voice.

Sack welcomes all the LOOZAS back, and says he’s gonna grill them. Poor Underoo, who was made to look like a dimwit sex toy all summer, seems pretty pissed right off the bat.

Show us your ass!

Sack starts with Angel Fabric Cancer. She is wearing the t-shirt dress she made on the show, and claims a lot of people wrote in and asked her to mass produce it. Uh, get a fat guy’s dress shirt and tie the bottom around your waist. There. I just saved you thirty dollars. And your dignity.

Disappointed Midwestern Mom stares enviously at her butt.

Those darn kids stole my youth. Is that a pillowcase?

Fabric Cancer shows off her dress, while Merlin shows us different angles of his hairpiece. I like it. It’s a little Princess Diaries. Eyesack shows a little too much enthusiasm, which is sweet cuz you know he’s not gonna call on her boring ass the rest of the show.

Good for you! We have some great snacks in the greenroom. Go check em out! Look at you!

Eyesack tells Not Beyonce she should get Not Venus on the phone and try and hawk Fabric Cancer’s dress. She smiles and laughs, but she never commits to calling Not Venus. Rude. Underoo is next. And he looks pained.

You look like Hank Azaria when you’re sad.

Eyesack taunts Underoo, snarkily calling him “the self proclaimed Pantychrist.” Then he hides his giggles behind his notecards with Not B and everyone laughs. Underoo takes a beat and then is all, uh actually I’m in like a hundred and fifty boutiques with my lavender jock straps mkay? He did a nice job there standing up for himself, but then the poison starts to seep out. He says that he’s grateful for the show but he didn’t like going out the week he did cuz “The Nightmare Before Christmas” dress was kept and his lame Sears Woman dress was treated like a lame Sears Woman dress. WOAH. NOT NICE, UNDEROO! If you’re gonna be mean, be mean to Kenley. What did Wednesday Addams ever do to anyone? She’s either very mature or just doesn’t understand she just got dissed.

Oh Underoo you so fonny to me.

Wednesday doesn’t diss Underoo, choosing the high road and good-naturedly shrugging “if you gonna fail, fail beeg!” OK cutest ever? Is Wednesday. Eyesack tries to calm Underoo down by saying it was a hard week, but Underoo won’t let it go, so Eyesack puts it a little more bluntly: “What? We’re gonna get rid of the one we liked more?” LOL. He calls them both failures but says he liked Wednesday’s failure better. HAHAHAH. Man, can Eyesack host every Bravo reunion from now on? PLEASE!

Uh…that didn’t go how it went in my head earlier.

We don’t have to go through all of the rejects right this moment, thank God. Not B says that Reco must have a lot to talk about, but she wants to see the look on Kenley’s face as he does it. So let’s bring out the three finalists!

Next time you barbarically binge on a zebra, wear a napkin. You’re on TV!

Kenley, wisely, sits as far away from Reco as she can. Now let’s welcome Anna the Yarn Lady! Still not using any products that might harm the environment. I’m all for not killing the Earth and everything, but I can smell your rock deodorant.

You know Fern’s gonna ask her where she got that outfit later.

And now. The revolutionary visionary shapes protruding out people-inary! JAMES. POLE! Who’s kinda from London cuz he interned there the summer Vivienne Westwood went on that manic depressive bender and was too drunk to actually read her applications.

Why, that improperly buttoned sweater makes you look like a hip passenger on the tube!

Guys? I think he’s wearing an American Medical Association pin. WTF? Go back to London you fucking impostor! If you haven’t thought about who’s medical care you’ll be shelling out for if Universal Health Care passes, look at that pin on the cross eyed little midget who was mean about “normal women” and think. Think very hard. I have a feeling Reco’s thinking the same thing.

I’s pays ma taxeth otay? You best done get a band aid or some shit.

The judges make Reco hold his inner stripper bitch in for a bit, and tell us that in a little while we’ll find out who won five dollars, a pack of Oribit and a redesigned collection to be sold on the website. Oooh! And Judges choice! Ten thousand dollas! WOWEE! Not B says “not bad! Not bad at all!” That’s what Beyonce always tells her as she rakes in millions of dollars for herself. “Ten thousand ain’t bad for a few backup lines, bitch.” I thought Not B would be more bitter with that line, but she pulled it off. Judges choice: Kenley, Winner: Yarn. Just saying.

OK now to Reco’s inner stripper bitch.

Y’all wenh an researchd Asstecs and now y’all feel stoopit, riiiiigh?

He is all about attitude with his face, but he isn’t allowed to talk yet. He has to watch a video about his journey here first. Haven talks in the video package about how brilliant Reco is and Reco looks at her like she’s a fucking moron.

I’d throw that bony ass into da pool too ‘f I was Joan Collins.

My favorite part is when they show him saying “ridiklus!” LOL. Cut to a montage of Reco wins, and then Reco flipping out and telling everyone they’re gonna lose, and then getting beat down by the judges for not knowing who “Howlston” is. Finally, his getting kicked off. Eyesack says that the viewers howled that he was robbed and Bravo is racist. A letter from the audience is read. “Who smoked the crack pipe and cut Reco over James Pole?” HA. I love that they read that letter. It was better than mine. “HATE YOU. Love, Flipit.”

Eyesack asks Fern if she thinks they made a mistake sending Reco home and she, without hesitation, snaps “No, I don’t think we made a mistake at all! We were smoking the right stuff.” HAHAHAH. Ok did I say I didn’t like this show? You know I was just trying to look like I have taste, right? I LOVE THIS SHOW. Everyone laughs, and Reco gets to talking . Finally!

He is super defensive, and lisping very quickly. I did thith piece, I did thath piecth I did this pieth!” OK someone teach him some words without esses. He’s getting spit all over the camera. He says that he won so many challenges and he did so much good work but “I’m ain’t stupid! I know how TV work!” HUH? What does that mean even? I wish he would expound on that one, but the judges cut him off and tell him they were really rooting for him and you’re only as good as your last collection. He stops them and asks “deeid I do too much rethearch?” Yes, Reco. You were just too fucking intelligent to be allowed to continue on Bravo. Poor, deluded stripper bitch. When he says this, Fran makes this face.

HAHAHAHAHAH

Eyesack says that his final collection didn’t work as well as the rest of his work on the show, and Reco mentally snaps his finger all over the room and snottily quips that he just fiiiiine wid the way thing happen cuz he gettin offas all ovah da place so he don’t care and he’s glaaaaad he came in forf. The judges take a moment of silence and then Eyesack scrunches his face and goes “mmmhmmm.” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. He drops Reco and introduces a segment about how crazy everyone dressed. Haven’s shoulder pads and short shorts and MexiJay spraying his unwashed hair. The Everyone is Trying Way Too Hard to Not Be An Average Person Montage. Best parts are when MexiJay and Wednesday showed up with the same hair….

…and when Eyesack asks “was there a fire sale on short red ties?” HA. I never noticed that one!

Poor Merlin just wanted to look taller and Reco robbed his ass.

There’s a solid minute of bad Merlin clothes. Haven makes fun of him and Merlin gets defensive, asking why she can dress like a fool and he can’t? Gayvitz answers “cuz your man berries are hanging out.”

You dressing like shit doesn’t mean it’s ok for her to. Or Kenley or Gayvitz for that matter. Everyone in this shot needs to take a breath and get their asses to Old Navy.

Not B gets obsessed with the term man berries, and then moves on to Kenley’s montage. We know Kenley’s more relaxed and down to earth now, cuz she’s got a spray tan.

I can’t believe I was such a pale bitch! I’m totes grown up now you guys.

Her vid package is all about being an asshole, and I have spent enough paragraphs on her ridonkass. Sorry. Kenley’s a dick. Three minute montage over. Reco is the only one not to applaud her video. He was mad when he got here, and now he has been pushed over the edge. We’re only ten minutes in. I’m hoping he takes off a stiletto and hurts someone.

Eyesack asks who thinks Kenley will win and only three people raise their hands. HAHAH. Well, the baldhawk guy raises his halfway too and says she had the coolest collection. No one knows cool like a forty five year old bald guy with a hawk glued to his head. Not B asks her if she’s as much of a bitch as all the blogs said or if she’s just young and passionate. Kenley drones on about being the youngest one and says people misconstrued her “fighting for it” for being a bitch. Haven says the blogs are full of crap, and Fern says everyone wants to make women in fashion a bitch. Really? Cuz I don’t think one other woman on this show was called a bitch. Except for Veronica Webb and Glenda, and they are bona fide bitches. What’s your point, Fern?

When we come back from break, Reco is rolling his eyes. Now we get to see the decoy collections. Merlin’s is first. He comes onto the runway dressed like the Crackerjack Queen.

Lube. Lots of lube.

Hey! Models go swimming too!

Nice floaties.





If this girl had roller skates she could be a waitress at Sonic in the fifties.

Jillian Barbieri before she found Nutrisystem.

Model in a carseat. Safety first!





Merlin’s tribute to Fern’s shoulders. Que sweet!

If you want to sleep really well on a plane, come prepared.





Muffin top ballerina.





Slaughter queen of Honduras. Make cock fighting illegal!





Boogar Ball

I just took a shower with that green one and she totally made my skin smooth. And who would put a thick blanket on the Heatmiser? Poor thing’s probably burning up. So not sensible.

Woah. That was more hacky tacky inexcusable and hideous than I could ever hope for. Well done, Merlina!

No. Just no.

Fern is asked for her opinion and she gently calls it “Surrealistic. Carnival. Broadway.” Merli takes this as a compliment and says “Jase! Dees is my dreem! Dees is what I want!” She smiles and says, pained, that there’s a place for that somewhere but it wasn’t a collection that women would want to wear. LOL. I fucking love Fern. He answers that “dees ees da bayst opportooneetee I have have.” Reco rolls his eyes. Merlin just wants to be himself!

Or Maria Conchita Alonso or Chita Rivera. Depending on the day.

Not B asks the other contestants what they thought, and everyone is silent. LOL. Disappointed Midwestern Mom chimes in and says that Merlin was true to himself and then he forces himself to say the word beautiful. Merlin doesn’t mind that he almost choked on that word, and says thanks. I don’t think Eyesack agrees.

Now let’s look at Mexi Jay’s collection. He comes onto the runway pulling his nasty skidmarked undies out of his crack and he’s still wearing this same outfit today.

Classy.

This looks like a Kenley to me.





Eco friendly witch likes it, which automatically makes it a massive fail.



Shapes protruding from her body! OMG he ripped off Pole! Badly.



Why, she almost looks Asstec! This is the modern blackface, and it’s wrong.



Leggings and a turtleneck. Inventive shit, MexiJay. Inventive shit. Before you know it, every chick on a day off in the grocery store will be slumming in this. Wait. They already do. LAME.

LOL. He’s even worse than I thought. Who gave the biker chick a wedgie?



This ho wonders why she’s always being sexually harassed in the office. Not B is downright offended by this one.

Another micro mini and a sweat shirt. Is this guy fucking kidding?





Direct rip off of Kenley. It wasn’t cute the first time. Glitter don’t help.



Dude, why even bother? You could have spent the construction time taking a shower.

That white t-shirt thing was his finale. WHAT A HACK. They shouldn’t have shown these last two collections at all. It did nothing for this show’s rep. Not B calls him out on claiming to be inspired by Pebbles, cuz she would never wear anything that short. OR FUG. Eyesack says the length is ok if you’ve had a Brazilian, and Gayvitz thinks that’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard. Watching people with Botox LOL is the funniest thing ever.

Someone please help him find the center of his head and staple that shit on proper like.

Fern says she didn’t know what to expect from Mexi after he ripped off that dress in the evening gown challenge. Cut to a clip of Glenda dissing Eyesack and calling him a hack and a fug dress stealer. And then biting off the head of a chicken and laughing like a witch.

Eyesack, instead of just coming out and asking, reads a viewer letter asking if Mexi Jay will admit that he stole the dress. MJ takes a long pause and then says that wasn’t his original intention. HE’S SEEN THE SHOW RIGHT?! ? Please show a clip of him planning to rip that shit off out loud. PLEASE. He backpedals and tap dances, but Eyesack just glares at him through his eyeflaps until he says “it’s a damn knock off.” Not enough groveling. Fern jumps in and says she got a lot of letters from friends pissed about his stealing. Eyesack just ignores his lame lies and moves on to Yarn’s montage. I think we were all bored enough by Yarn the first time, but thanks.

Not B asks Yarn why she called herself the dark horse, and Yarn says she doesn’t have a TV personality. You don’t say. Sack tries to argue that she does cuz she cried all the time. Yeah that was so fascinating that we never saw it. Disappointed Midwestern Mom says that he loved her work, and Merlin calls her brilliant for knocking herself off. HAHA. Haven has nothing to add, but she blabs about brilliance anyway cuz Haven likey camera. Seven people vote for Yarn to win. Mexi thinks Yarn’s is more salable, and no one cares what he thinks cuz he just sent a t-shirt down the runway.

Eyesack asks Haven why she’s obsessed with shorts and all I hear is chirpchirpchirp. How come the sad blonde girl quit? She says she doesn’t regret quitting and she shouldn’t have to justify it. She also got rid of her ridonk pink streak so she doesn’t have to justify that either. Why is anyone talking to her? Why is she here? Ask Angel Fabric Cancer why she didn’t kick MexiJay in the dingleberries when he treated her like crap on her guest appearance and stop wasting our time.

Montage of mean remarks the designers made about each other’s clothes. Sack tells them that they’re all nasty and he loves it. Remarking on Kenley’s diss of one of Reco’s outfits, he adds that sometimes the Sears secretary look is ok. Remember that movie with Maggie Gyllenhaal? LOL he’s such a bitch.

Close your mouth. I can smell your tartar from here.

Eye tells the baldhawk guy that he is haunted by the fact that he kicked him off for a dress that wasn’t as hideous as it could have been. Whatevs, He deserved it. Cut to James Pole. Never mind! He so didn’t deserve it. Montage of James Pole begging to get beat up. HATE. “Thanks for seeing my concepts. And show for all America to see.” SHUT HIM UP. A viewer asks if he used S&M materials in the collection and he says yes, because his collection was made by Indian and Pakistani women and he thought it would be funny to add in whips. HUH? And HUH? They are allowed to have a staff help them make their clothes? Didn’t Jeffrey almost get kicked off for that on Project Runway? Why do I care? WHYYYYYY?

Eyesack compliments him on putting stockings over the models’ shoes. His deep artistic reason? He didn’t find shoes to match. This is fucking ridiculous. Are any of you still watching this tripe? Kenley isn’t liking all the Pole compliments either, which makes it all kinda ok in my book.

Let me guess. You made that necklace yourself.

When asked her opinion on Pole, Fabric Cancer says she got chills watching his collection again in the clips. James Pole nods in agreement. I got chills too. Barf chills. Moving on, thankfully. I was about to turn this bs off and press the publish button and be done with it.

Montage of Not B having to translate everything Merlin says to Eyesack. Hilarious. I hope Gates quits and Merlin becomes the new White House Press Secretary. The Middle East will be so confused they’ll just tell us to take all the oil we want if we just shut him up for five minutes.

And now, Glenda!! YAAAY!! For the Editor in Chief of Haaapa’s Bazaaaah, she sure dresses like a shlump.

Hm. I don’t know. A bra maybe?

She says sometimes it was hard to give constructive criticism because…

…you all suck bawls.

…she could tell how much they really care about fashion. Riiiight. The designers? Not buying it.

Bitch.

Hag.

I hate her sooo much.

She tells them that if they ever need advice about passing elastic lined shiny muumuus off as high fashion to give her a call and she promises to take it. Ooooh! Give out the number! I want to call her a couple times a day just to say “whatcha doin’? I’m bored. Did you watch Big Brother last night?” I’m so applying for Season 2.

She’s called out on being the toughest judge, and she says that it’s important to be encouraging but also not to blow smoke up butts “and give false hope.” Snapple. Then she gives us a quote: “Good is the greatest enemy of great.” Sorry, Glen, but the greatest enemy of great prize has already been won by Pole. Alright, alright. You made it sound so inspiring, I’ll take back the prize and award a new one so you can use that.

Greatest Enemy of the English Language

Second place hurts.

Third place is one better spot than you got on the show. Don’t look so sad.

Clips of guest judges ripping the designers’ work to shreds. It looks like they cut out most of Veronica Webb’s c word-iness, which explains why she was so boring on the show. I hope they bring her back next season and let her rip. She’s had an edited muzzle on ever since she made that woman cry by dissing her granny panties on Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style. Clip of Yarn telling us she hopes the judges don’t think her umbrella rack dress looks like a bunch of vaginas. LOL. What kind of nasty loose vaginas has Yarn been dealt, lately? No, Yarn, they don’t look like vaginas. Get your head out of your pants.

Haven is totally being sexually harassed right now and she doesn’t even know it.

Montage of all the winning designs that you buy “versions of” on the website. Ouch. That’s one fug line all put together like that. If you guys see anyone in real life wearing one of these outfits, please make fun of them loudly and take pictures for me. Sack asks Fern who she thinks sold the most outfits on the website. She guesses James Pole and so does Eco Friendly Witch. Why did Sack ask her? I don’t know. They’re right! IT IS JAMES POLE! How many people still relate to Ally Sheedy in Breakfast club? Apparently, plenty.

Death and Dyke Chains

Eyesack is surprised and thinks Mexi Jay’s knockoff (on purpose) of Versace was the best winner of the season. And that’s the problem.

Fern asks who will be friends after all this is done. Merlin doesn’t raise his hand. LOL. Neither does sad blonde girl, and she’s not gonna justify it. Now let’s fund out who won Judges’ Vote? Kenley’s foot starts tapping… and Kenley wins!! She smiles big, not realizing that this means she’s so not winning the big prize. Glenda is impressed with her maturity (on the runway, not in life) and wants to introduce her to a couple designers who will help her. In other words, get ready to sew for free and get Starbux for people who will ignore you for the next six months.

AND NOW…THE WINNER! Tribal African Apple loops play for what seems like ten minutes. 19% of the vote went to…..POLE! YAAAY! I was worried that he was going to win this. American Voters can be kinda insane.

We should hewp peowple pwoject shwapes out of pweopo!

Merlin looks all upset that he didn’t win that much of a percentage, even though he wasn’t on the ballot. Yarn FTW!! They hold hands. Drum music plays. Yarn gets a pained look on her face.

You’re hurting me!

Meet the new cast of Melrose Place.

Back from commercial. More waiting. Kenley is bouncing up and down and biting her lip nervously as Eyesack and Not B waste time. The winner received 56% of the vote! AND IT’S YARN!!! YAAAAYYY!!! Glitter comes down from the ceiling and it’s more Wheel of Fortune than American Idol. Yarn gives a sad excuse for an acceptance speech and sleep boogars start forming in my eyes.

What did you guys think? Did Yarn deserve it? Will we ever see Kenley again? Will Reco continue working at a career in fashion or leave Chattanooga strippers naked?

Thanks so much for being with me here this season you guys. I look forward each week to reading your take on what happened, and it wouldn’t be any fun without you. Meet me back here in a month for Project Runway, and in the meantime, LOOOOOVE.