Fashion Show: You Were the Worst of the Night, Which Means You’re Safe!

This week on Fashion Show, Kenley prays and Satan answers.

So last night I was wanting to EAT because I am on a mother f ing diet, so I watched Iron Chef. Guess who was the guest judge? Eyesack! We often complain here that he doesn’t have any useful critiques to share, and this is fashion so he should have something. Well you should see his ass with food. “Um…I liked it ok, but maybe you could have been more creative or something?” LOL. He looked lost, and even made a Brokeback Mountain joke. Did you know he has like ten jobs or some shit? Take a nap, Eyesack! You’re mumbling is doing no one any good. He was wearing a weird grey jacket thing, which I guess means that his fashion statement for the year is GREY. GREY! I SEE THE WORLD IN GREEEEEYYYY!!!

Ok that had nothing to do with anything, but it’s good to know he’s phoning it on other shows too and not just this one. It feels less offensive that way. And now let’s work out together.

Silly Skanks Workout Videos

We open with Merlin asking Mexican Jay “How do you sleep?” I would take this to mean “How do you sleep at night, you stank ass homeless hack?” if I were him, but MexiJay says he slept just fine, thank you very much. He is so refreshed that he doesn’t need to shower today. Or ever.

Merlin is wearing red tights, a sweater dress, his belt/turban unit, and a pancho while he talks on a purple cell phone. The thing is, there is so much wrong happening within the first ten seconds that it’s pointless to write it down. I will just show you.

I read crossword pozzle.

I want to make vote for Lamberrrt.





Tax Haven has become a politician’s wife. In 1983.

Why is Not Beyonce wearing a takeout container as a skirt? Is she competing now?

Flashbacks to the stupid fight last week. Reco didn’t stab Kenley, so to me the whole thing was meaningless. Not B calls Merlin on his special purple fairy phone and tells him where to take the designers for the Haaaarper’s Bazzazaaa mini-challenge. I wish she would force them into a Harper’s Island mini-challenge. This show would be way better with some amputations and axes to chests.

No Gilteee!

The designers go to meet Not B and Laura Brown in a big loft/office space and find out that today’s challenge will be done in pairs! YAAAYYY!!! They pick thread colors to pair up. Wednesday Addams and James Pole are together, MexiJay and Merlin pick each other, and Merlin is worried. He at least acts happy about it. MexiJay? Not so much. He whines “greeeat!” Uh, you’re paired with the guy who won last week when you were almost sent back to Bedrcock, PigPen. Be nice.

Haven and Ana the Yarn Lady are paired, which is good cuz maybe Yarn can move her lesbian crush off of Kenley and onto Haven, which would be way more entertaining to watch. That leaves Reco with Kenley! LOL. So. Rigged. I tried to find the little midget under the table putting thread in the magic bag, but I couldn’t see anything. Still, that’s too good to not be forced. They give each other dirty looks and then Reco hugs her. Way too hard. She starts “ow”ing. Break her! Break her! This could get ugly.

Wow. That was fast.

Laura introduces the Haaarpaas Bazaaaa interns, who partied hard last night and didn’t have a chance to go home and change before work. EW. They must have been at a 24 hour diner between the hours of 4 and 7 AM, cuz you know these homely skanks didn’t get laid. There’s a guest judge for this challenge, and it’s the girl from Ugly Betty. Not America, the little skinny mean one. She comes out wearing a black dress with junk all up on the hips. Why do skinny people insist on purposely looking fat? Are they jealous of the rest of us, or are they just too depleted minerally to know what they’re putting on?

I’m going with minerally challenged. Mostly cuz I want to type minerally a lot and see if I can turn it into a real word.

The challenge is to use the secretary outfits plus stuff from some lost and found box to make them presentable for work. There’s a lost and found box at my job with fake diamond reading glasses and some gum. My point? Don’t have one. But I look adorable in the glasses. Guest Judge makes faces at the camera and tells the designers that she’s never done the walk of shame, not even in college! Everyone laughs, but I rewound and still couldn’t figure out why. Kinda like Ugly Betty. Haven tells us that she’s done the walk of shame once or twice, not realizing no one’s talking about walking around in bad jackets from the eighties.

GO is called and everyone flits to the lost and found boxes. Kenley is the first to complain (SHOCKER!). They were given lots of scraps to use for the top, “but no solution for the bottom.” Sorry they didn’t pack a suitcase for you, moron. It’s a creativity challenge. I was disappointed when she opened the box too though, I have to admit. I was hoping there was ricin or some shit in there. Reco takes a giant purple scarf/shawl thing and drapes their girl. He keeps saying “this hot, this hot” over and over. So not.

Can I go back to looking like a whore now?

I can’t believe I didn’t notice this before, but Wednesday Addams and James Pole get to work on Austin Scarlett!! Luckies!

Hormone bumps.

MexiJay is in luck, because this challenge requires no sewing. He ties a scarf around his girl as a “Grecian top!” Can he tie? Remains to be seen. My guess is no. Kenley and Reco’s model looked like she took that half an hour of work time to become pregnant and homeless.

No, I don’t have any spare change. But I’ll give you the rest of my diet coke for that baby.

I was wrong about MexiJay. He and Merlin’s top tying paid off. The knot is above the shoulder and looks like one of those Sex and the City flowers. Current? No. But it’s MexiJay. It doesn’t look like a taped together Quincenera dress, so it’s progress. They were given a cute jacket though, which is kinda unfair, and the scarf they chose as the belt doesn’t even try to match.

Guest Judge loves it, but this is the girl in the hip monster dress, so take that lightly. Yarn and Haven just basically cut off their model’s fishnets and gave her an ugly sweater and an uglier scarf. She looks like Tootsie.

“Oh I know what y’all really want is some gross, caricature of a woman to prove some idiotic point that power makes a woman masculine, or masculine women are ugly. Well shame on you for letting a man do that, or any man that does that. That means you, dear. Miss Marshall. Shame on you, you macho shit head.”

Laura and Guest like it because it covered up the ho parts. A snuggie would cover that shit up too. What’s your point? She looks like dog butt. Guest loves what James Pole and Merlin did to Austin Scarlett, but Guest thinks they were just lucky with what they’ve been given. Wednesday argues that it wasn’t luck, it was a good eye. Guest smiles curtly and responds “it’s a lucky day.” Bitch! And how is that their fault if they were lucky? They didn’t pack their own box.

They made Austin Scarlett look manlier than he has in years. They should win.

Kenley tells us she hates her and Reco’s dress and wouldn’t wear it and wahwahwah. Guest loves the draping. HUH? What a tacky idiot. That thing is hideous. Reco tells us that it was hard for him to not wave his finger in Kenley’s face and jump up and down screaming about being right. Thankfully, he does it for us.

MexiJay and Merlin win!! I don’t agree, but at least it gives us a chance to check out Merl’s dodohawk. He looks like a scared bird. In a sweater dress.

Polly haunt a cracker.

Today’s challenge will be to work for one of the biggest names in the industry!! This show can really pull in the stars, so I’m gonna guess it’s Melissa Rivers. Or Charo, but I admit that’s more of a dream than an actual guess. It’s Eyesack! Dressed like Amelia Earhart on an Entenmann’s binge.

No wonder that plane went down. They’re called points. Count ‘em.

Wednesday Addams giggles and says “Eyesack! Where you bean? Der you are!” LOL. The challenge will be to create a look for his upcoming collection. That’s easy! He just staple guns a bunch of crap on a dress form and calls it art. Still, the looks on Merlin and MexiJay’s faces are just priceless.

That dodohawk just deflated.

Eyesack says that to start a collection, you need a Mood Board, which is a big board you put all your inspiration onto. I was expecting a big Ben and Jerry’s ad, but when he uncovers it, it’s covered in fish skeletons, pictures of tribal African ladies, tinfoil, and pink. Lots of pink. My favorite sketch is the hunchbacked old witch in a cape. That Eyesack really designs for everyone.

This is Fern’s birthday present.

He stresses the importance of kente cloth and plaid, and Tax Haven thinks she has this one in the bag.

I don’t know what ken tay is, but I’ve got plaid! Say shoulder pads! Say shoulder pads!

They will only have eight hours to complete this challenge, and they will have to stay in their assigned teams!! YAAAYY!!! That news sucks so hard that Reco actually has a shot with his mouth closed.

Because they won the mini-challenge, Merlin and MexiJay win a special prize. Five minutes alone with Eyesack! MexiJay says “five minutes in heaven with Eyesack.” EW. Did his teeth just turn browner?

Kenley tells us that having five minutes alone with Eyesack is the perfect prize. She’s saying that, of course, because she didn’t win it. If she had, she’d be rolling her eyes and telling us she’s too talented for a suck ass gift like that. While MexiJay and Merlin go off to listen to Eyesack try and put his mushy tin foil and fish skeleton thoughts together, the other designers check out the mood board. Reco takes it as an opportunity to scan America for a husband.

Way cuter this way. He should always walk around like this. And not talk.

Eyesack takes questions. Merlin asks what age he designs for and Eyesack says that to him everyone’s perpetually thirty five. LOL. He also says that he’s into layering this season, loves bright colors, and he’s wearing the Earhart piece stolen directly from the grave and didn’t let it out at all so GET OFF MY ASS. Alrighty. Thanks.

James Pole, of course, goes directly for the fish skeletons because he’s deep like that. He wants to make a fish shape. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. I can’t wait to see that. Wednesday says nothing. Well, nothing intelligible anyway. Kenley and Reco are fighting right off the bat. He wants to make a Cinderella dress and she wants to make pants. Reco sketches beloved Disney characters hanging by their toes. Those women have lived through enough pain.

Let Belle and Snow White down from there you torturer!

Merlin doesn’t think MexiJay knows dick about fabric because MJ picks some busted ugly caca for a jacket, but “I’n gonna geeve heem a laysson.” A lesson? Dumb ass, if he loses you lose. OY. And why would you make a jacket with only eight hours? Haven doesn’t know why Yarn is agreeing with everything she says, but she’ll take it. This girl better not have anything to drink on that set, cuz the minute she shows signs of a buzz she’s getting Yarn banged.

Kenley and Reco continue to squawk at each other. She says if they do something bad it’s disrespectful to Eyesack. Well with that reasoning, he disrespects himself all the time so I wouldn’t worry about it. Reco says that she’s disrespecting him. Can we just pretend that these two aren’t here?

MexiJay is repeating his “five minutes in Heaven” line to Yarn, and says that he would “get with” Eyesack just for the interesting story. EW EW EW. My testicles just tightened so hard I can feel them in the back of my throat. He adds, “but it’s like kissing your grandma.” I just threw up my bawls. Thanks, Fashion Show.

The models come in for fitting, and James Pole and Wednesday Addams are already a disaster. They basically just wrap a drab piece of fabric around the model and pin it there.

This is the second time a Snuggie has appeared in this recap, and it’s making me cold.

Over on team MerliJay, Mexi is just sitting around talking about what colors he likes while Merlin does all the sewing. Merl tells us in the third person that he doesn’t like MexiJay but will do whatever it take to ween. Then he gives us a mental image of the lengths he’s gone to win, and it makes me wonder how he sits without a hemorrhoid pillow.

Congrats. You’ve won a Holland Tunnel rear end.

Very dramatic music is playing while James Pole realizes Wednesday is a slow sewer. He doesn’t really help, but it’s sweet that he sits there and stares at her til 2AM. During the commercial there is a mini clip about Wednesday complaining all the time in her high Muppet voice, sounding like a pigeon. LOL. I kinda love Wednesday. I just wish she didn’t suck so hard. The next morning, Haven sprays a can of Aqua Net all over the apartment while Merlin does bis best to look high fashion in that same ole catsuit he always wears. This time, there’s a tie, so it’s totally different and doesn’t stink at all.

You can say what you want about Merlin’s fashion sense, but he has entire Mariachi Bands trying to look like him. How many people can say that?

Back at the workroom, Merlin tries on the skirt, and it’s a beautiful moment.

Perfect! Places!

It’s the second half of the hour, which means it’s time for Kenley to start doubting herself and convincing us that she’s gonna lose, which she won’t no matter how bad she is because she’s the only real villain here. Reco agrees that she sucks and says that he’s gonna use her flaws against her in the end. Then he says to keep your enemies close. I wonder how Sun Tzu would feel about being misquoted by a flaming stripper designer.

Das from a story call “Art of Whore”, okaaay?

Eyesack and Not Beyonce come in to check on progress, starting with Haven and Yarn. Eyesack starts laughing and says he knows who was in charge of the shorts. Haven gets defensive and snaps “They’re called culottes this time.” HAHAH.

Not kidding.

Eye tells them to make sure their personalities shine through. Culottes. What more do you want? Reco and Kenley are next, and Ken says that they were inspired by flowers. Reco says they’re working as a team by compromising. Whatever, it looks like total crap. Merli and MexiJay. Eyesack is mortified by the felt jacket, which shocks MexiJay. Head slap. We don’t really get to see much of James Pole and Wednesday’s fish outfit, but Not B’s face says it all.

In the hallway, Eyesack and Not B say nothing. What is the point of these two? Time for the show! This needs to happen right now before MexiJay stresses the last follicle of hair right off Merlin’s little head.

They really found some stars to sit in the audience this week. I even see the lady who sold me Indian bread loaves on a school trip to a reservation back in El Paso.

So…do you have any butter?

Kenley and Reco are out first. They’re outfit is a personal low for the both of them. YIKES. A bright red Jackie O. jacket with a purple blouse and shiny pants that make the model look sixty and ready for bed. Hideous hideous hideous work.

Might wanna lighten up on the sodium.

Reco says that if this lands them in the bottom, he will throw Kenley under the bus. As he so eloquently puts it: “Goodbye! I’m gonna ride over her on the retarded bus and then back up.” The cute thing is that he put himself on the retarded bus. Kenley thinks that her jacket (barf) and pants (gag) are great, but she’s worried about Reco’s top (the only thing that fits). Eyesack loves the shape, but this chick in the audience ain’t buyin it.

Wednesday and James Pole are out next with their fish outfit. It looks…fishy. There’s some poofy wrap thing around the model’s shoulders. I don’t know what the f these two were thinking, but it’s not as hideous as Reco and Kenley’s. Or is it? I can’t tell any more. This show really knows how to lower the taste bar.

Now it’s Fern’s turn to make a disgusted face. Or maybe she just burped.

That either sucks, or she should have skipped her third lunch.

The model takes off the jacket, and we are shown the audience’s scrunched up, confused faces.

Haven and Yarn are next, and theirs is actually semi-cute…

Until the model takes of the jacket.

Ouch. That’s just bad. Fern loves how the color pops out when you open the jacket. Uh yeah. It sure does pop. My eyes hurt. But I love the house siding on the collar. Now it’s time for Merl and MexiJay. They’re work is pretty decent. Yes, the jacket is felt and I think Merlin’s already made it for another challenge, but it looks kinda cool from here. The skirt works in an Eyesack hideous but affordable kinda way, which, after all, is the challenge.

It’s buttoned with elephant tusks or some shit, and when it opens, there’s a formal glitter top with bullets attached to the neck. That top doesn’t work with the skirt or the neon green belt, but did you really expect it to? These people blow.

It only gets worse when we get a view of the whole thing.

MexiJay says that it’s exactly what he dreamt about. And that is why he needs to go to trade school.

Judging time! James Pole is wearing a drama teacher pancho and Merlin has flared his sleeves.

You are all hereby found guilty and sentenced to death by firing squad. The End.

The guest judge is “actress, model, writer” and Eyesack’s muse, Veronica Webb. Fitting, cuz she was Tim Gunn’s right hand girl before she was deemed too nasty and boring and got herself fired. Glad to see Bravo making at least a payment on her cc bill. They take care of their own on this channel.

We’re so happy you’re back. Hopefully we’ll get to see you fired again.

Eyesack congratulates them all on doing such a fabulous job. ?? What’d I miss? The two top audience choices are Merlin and MexiJay and Haven and Yarn. This would be more exciting if we didn’t know that Wednesday or James Pole are going home, but it will still be fun to watch Reco rip Kenley’s false eyelashes off.

Fern thinks Haven and Yarn showed their own personalities while making Mizrahi clothes, and Eyesack says this is the first time Haven’s made shorts that look great. She takes that as a huge compliment, not getting that he basically said her weekly shorts have sucked ass til today. I was hoping she would snap “CULOTTES” but she doesn’t. Veronica drones on about how much they picked up on Eyesack’s style. Man, I know that I am not knowledgeable about fashion AT ALL, but wow. Could someone please explain to me how this doesn’t look like total ass?

The audience loved the overall look of Merlin and MexiJay’s work. Merlin gives MJ credit for being the head designer, and Veronica loves Merlin’s patterns. Fern says with this economy, the colors are important. Veronica would wear it down the runway, if she was still sent down the runway. I get that colors are important, but shouldn’t they compliment each other in some way?

Haven and Yarn win! Whatevs. These were all pretty much equal in the fug department to me. The loozas are called up, and Kenley and Reco look plain evil. Even their model looks furious. The audience said that Pole and Addam’s created a bad mermaid costume, and someone else said it looked sloppy. Veronica thinks the plaid lining makes it look like a Burberry knockoff. Eyesack thinks that alone, the jacket thing is decent, but on a model it’s not ok. James Pole launches into some monologue about how he envisioned a fish and then cut squares and looped shit around and made a jacket. HUH? Eye moves on to Wednesday, saying the dress needs more length, and Fern thinks the scale thing is too long. Veronica asks what body type the dress is made for, cuz it wouldn’t be flattering on anyone and their collaboration looks more like War of the Worlds than Meeting of the Minds. Oooooh. She’s witty! Nope. Still fired.

The audience described Kenley’s pants as “granny pj pants.” LOL. Reco smiles big at that one. Eyesack calls the color combo Mizrahi light and artless. Eyesack says good fashion enters your sinuses and makes your head explode. Well, his method was never in question, but it’s nice to have it publicly confirmed.

The judges all agree that the top is fabulous and the only good part. Hehe. Eyesack says it’s obvious there was no collaboration and Kenley jumps in and stutters that she agrees and it was hard cuz Reco didn’t support her and help her. LOL what a untcay. Reco starts waving his finger around and saying she kicked him down and he fought against the design. They squawk like hens until Not B shuts them up and asks them who’s responsible. Kenley takes a long time, but she does take credit.

In private time, Eyesack says all the designers are really great and he’ll be sad to kick someone off. Uh….ok. Back at the stage, Kenley is telling Reco that they’re just different and he says “yeah but you was working for Eyesack!” She continues that they should have agreed on something and supported each other, and he basically just starts ignoring her. What a trainwreck this girl is. Does she really believe what she’s saying? Cuz she was the one who no’ed them into the bottom. Something tells me Wednesday Addams is uncomfortable with confrontation.

The judges hated James Pole and Wednesday Addams’ work, but the dress was definitely the worst. Eyesack adds that he was enthralled by James Poles “fish cut into squares and looped around” monologue and thinks he’s a genius who just doesn’t know how to connect with an audience. LOL. If that’s genius to the head judge, there is no hope for this show.

As far as Kenley and Reco go, Eyesack says the most unforgivable thing of the entire night was Kenley’s pants. YAY! Fern calls them plain ugly. Now to eliminations! James Pole is safe, and so is Reco, but Kenley and Wednesday have to stay on stage. Eyesack tells Wednesday that she failed in the fit department. He thinks Kenley’s work was awful, but she gets to stay anyway. Shocker! Damn Kenley has a deal with the devil. Wednesday thinks her work was just too complicated and she’s embarrassed. AW!! She talks about how strong she is as she sobs.

I could just eat a bug.

What did you guys think? Did Wednesday get the shaft or did she deserve it?