Launch My Line is Wildin’ Out!

Welcome, friends and regatzi! We’re back with Launch My Line for another week of hilarity and art. Or frustration and cheap clearance rack designs. Or all of the above. You decide!For the record, I’m tired of seeing Dan Tai Chi doing his pop-n-lock best in the opening credits. Sorry. I know y’all love him. Actually, all of the designers are annoying in the credits, for the most part, but I actually make a face when I see that guy.

Breakfast time again for the designers and experts. Peggy Bundy, in the worst trendy clear indoor sunglasses ever that make her look 80 years old (when we all know she’s only 65), asks Lady Gaga a leading question. “So, Vanessa, do you think they…” Lady G cuts her off to say, “Are assholes? Are going to give me a zillion dollars and a spaceship? Put cinnamon in the french toast? I have no idea.”

Actually, no, Gaga finishes the question for Peggy B. as such: “Do I think they’re not getting it? No. They’re totally not getting it.” This leads to the moral debate of winning the challenges versus creating your own vision. Basically, if Gaga tones it down a few notches to make her work more marketable, she’s also diluting her world view. My words, not hers, but UGH nonetheless.

The Duh2 puppets enter, screeching a “Good morning!” at the designers, and I think it’s Latifah who over-enthusiastically shrieks “GOOD MORNING!” back at ‘em. They raided the “Don’t Tell Me” video closet again for this challenge. “Don’t tell me to stop..tell the leaves not to drop…tell the wind not to blow, cuz my dentures said so…mmmm.”

The designers and experts are gathered ’round to discuss the previous challenge (no interruptions from Roberto, surprisingly) and to learn about the next challenge. Funnily enough, Duh-Squared give a quick lecture about how the show is about creating stuff “that people want to buy”. As in, stop worrying about your vision and your art, and design something useful! Cut to Gaga, who’s wincing and shaking her head.

This week, the challenge is to design a one-piece outfit that is NOT a dress. Jumpers, overalls–anything but a dress. Lady Gaga perks up immediately and boasts, “I love jumpsuits–it’s my signature. I’m EXTREMELY confident.” Ladies and gentlemen, please meet this week’s departing contestant. I call it now. To further add to the challenge, DuhDuh give them only 28 hours to pull this off. My heart just raced a bit with anxiety, and all I’m doing is watching TV in cut-off sweatpants and a snowflake blanket!

So, now the designers will be taking a walk on the wild side. Kinda literally too–they’re told to grab their sketch books as they head out to unknown locales. Latifah interviews with worry that Duh2 are “from Italy”, so what does “wild” mean to them? Well, they’re from Canada, actually, so maybe you need to worry about moose or a bear. Ya know, if they were from the Yukon. But no, they’re from Toronto or something, so maybe you’ll need to worry about a squirrel or a goose? I Googled what wild animals one might fear in Italy, by the way, and it’s wolves, bears, wild cats, boars, and goats. Ya learn something new every day.

The designers arrive in a grassy paddock, where a picnic table laden with picnic baskets waits. Doy2 butcher the language as they say “picnic” in Italian AND English, tag-team-style, complete with waving jazz hands. Each designer is told to take a basket but to not look at what’s inside until everyone has chosen.

Music Douch interviews with the dumbest comment ever: “Walk on the wild side? What are we going to do–eat lunch before we go back in?” I think the editors are struggling to come up with anything interesting from this numbnuts, and they’re playing a secret joke on him by using footage that makes him seem semi-retarded. Good job, guys, I totally get the joke!

The designers open up their baskets and we see carrots, grapes, dried fruit, some kind of grain, and–EEK!–white mice! Waaaaait a sec. I bet they’re feeding this to some animals. Hey, look at me! I got the play on words about the wild side! I’m better than Music Douche!

Duh2 leave the yard for a moment and come back with all manner of live animals, including the cutest li’l baby zebra you ever did see! I want to hug him and love him and call him George! Anyway, besides the baby zebra, there’s a capuchin monkey, a toucan, a python, a chinchilla, a tarantula, a tortoise, and a llama.

Flamebrow’s got the mice, and he recoils once he realizes that means he gets the snake. Someone else freaks out about the tarantula. I keep wondering if pythons eat tarantulas, because the same dude is holding both the snake and the spider, and the python looks like he’s eyeing up the spider. Ick! Also, I’m freaked out by the constant close-up of said dude’s scraggly goatee.

Oh my GOD, I want to have a baby zebra for a pet. I wonder if there’ll be a rash of baby zebra sales and adoptions after this show, like with the 101 Dalmations movie or baby chicks at Easter. Can zebras climb stairs to 3rd floor apartments? Can they be litter trained? OMG, he is just so cute!!!

DJ Mister Rogers, because he won last time, is given the option to switch animals with someone else. He has the toucan, and he’s all aboard the Toucan Express, so he keeps it. The exotic colors match his line pretty well. (I think the toucan is classier than that, but what do I know?)

Next, the designers spend some time with the animals and their handlers, sketching out ideas and asking questions about color and habit and such. Latifah has some really thoughtful ideas about designing something around the tarantula–mindful details about exposing an exoskeleton and some stitching around the hips to create that spidery thorax shape. Interesting.

Music Douche, fittingly, got the llama. Llamas are ugly and I’ve heard they can spit. Perfect! The llama wants no part of the alfalfa Music Douche is offering, so Music Douche starts quasi-hitting on it instead. “Bob! We look alike, Bob!” He even calls Bob the Llama “Big Money Bob.” Ya know, this retard is almost entertaining, if I didn’t already know how tempermental and misogynist he is. Oh wait, Music Douche tells us that because the llama has a looooong neck, he’s going to design the back of the outfit with a “long L”. I don’t get it.

Flamebrow stays far, far away from the python as he sketches. He tells us that Cleopatra was killed by an asp. Of COURSE he tells us this. (Also, can I get away with making a joke about a presumably gay man being afraid of a symbolic penis?) The handler tries to move closer, but Flamebrow skitters away. His design is all about Eve–green, serpent, with a Bob Mackie/Cher inspiration.

Lou Rawlsette keeps telling the capuchin that it’s cute, and then she tells us that it fits in perfectly with her line, because her line is all about fluidity. Huh? Unless we’re talking about a monkey peeing on you–which they DO–I don’t look at a leathery, smelly poo-flinger and think “fluidity.” But then she talks about the long tail…and I guess I’ll just wait to see where she goes with this. Besides, she barely adheres to the challenges anyway–I bet she creates a dress and gets away with it.

Peggy Bundy has the tortoise, and she’s excited because she loves tortoiseshell. (Is she going to slaughter this thing and actually use its shell in her design?! No? Oh, okay.) She’s overly cautious with this one, asking if she can touch it and making dumb comments about it looking like a helmet. (Sounds like some women on a date!)

The designers return to the loft to meet up with their experts. Music Douche walks in saying, “Llama. Llama. Llama.” and Lou Rawls’ big-headed Perez knock-off cackles about them designing around a monkey. That guy is way too reactive for my tastes. Calm down!

“Hey Nazi, areola!” Guys, let’s get to work!

With 26 hours left, the designers get to work with their experts. Lady Gaga got the chinchilla, so she and Wedge Head are working out the design. Somehow, I think she intends to create a jumpsuit that makes her model look like an actual chinchilla. This can’t be good. Peggy and Malvin talk about putting tortoise-like patches on her design, and I wrinkle my nose. Lou Rawls wants to do a drapey jumpsuit, but I wonder where the monkey’s gonna come in. (Don’t you ALWAYS wonder where the monkey’s going to come in?)

Faux Austin Scarlette is showing Feather Earrings some ideas he has for her design–draping this wildly colorful stripe-ish fabric over the dress form. Feather Earrings thinks this works well for the zebra inspiration (lucky! She got to pet George!), and she’s pretty excited. I also expect her to break out in flamenco dancing anytime now. Also, she wears too much jewelry.

Ah, Music Douche. What do you have to say for yourself? “My outfit is gonna be gray, ya know, because the llama that was outside was gray. My girl gon’ be sexy.” Oh, okay. Perfect. Next, he postures in a raspy falsetto about how awesome he is to pair this other patterned fabric he’s got with the gray stuff. Akiko just stares at him and says, “Yeah, I don’t think they actually go together.”

She tells us separately how a lot of designers fail when they incorporate too much into one design. Burn! Ooh, then Music Douche suggests they make something two-piece and I hold my breath. Seriously? Akiko doesn’t correct him, but I can’t tell if she’s letting him hang himself or if she’s just pondering something else and barely paying any attention to him. Meanwhile, Music Douche is stalking around, stuffing his chubby piehole with more food.

Ooh, the Trim Room is now open! Duh2 tell us that it’s been stocked specially with fabric that suits each animal inspiration, but that the designers are not obligated to use the fabric. They specifically ask that the **design** of the garment be inspired by the animal, not just the fabric choice. Lady Gaga looks frustrated, and I laugh because you totally know she’s planning to use gray fur to make her model look like an actual chinchilla.

As the designers rush into the trim room, one of the Duh puppets is standing aside in a small hallway, and I have to watch this moment twice to figure out that he’s NOT avoiding a puddle of puke in the hallway–he’s just getting out of the way of the stampede. It was funny for 10 seconds to think that someone yakked, though, right?

Lady Gaga rushes out with a bolt of tiger-print faux fur, which perplexes me. Latifah stabs Flamebrow with her bolt on her rush out the door. Music Douche says it was like the WWF, and he mispronounces “vigilante”, and I’m not even sure why he needed to use the word “vigilante” in the first place. (Editors, I tooootally get it! Thank you!)

Now Gaga inexplicably takes some brown fur, as does Music Douche (he even falls over trying to carry it out). I warm to him ever-so-slightly when he refers to himself as “Fat Albert.” Feather Earrings goes literal and takes some zebra fabric. And I take a deep breath.

Feather Earrings and Faux Austin Scarlette (who reminds me even more of Gordana Beaverhausen from PR as he speaks) work out her design. Ugly tribal print or ugly zebra print? Faux-Austin declares that it’s not even a good zebra print, and he suggests they use the zebra as a belt. (No, not the actual zebra–the print! Poor baby George!) If they use a color-saturated solid jumpsuit as a background, it’d fit the rest of her line AND be way classier. Fingers crossed! Feather worries about being too safe, but she hasn’t enjoyed getting reamed out for being too out-there in her previous designs either.

I want to punch Music Douche, as he talks to the dress form and the basket of alfalfa while Akiko does all this intricate pinning to the jumpsuit. What an idiot. Get to work.

Ooh, Time for Drama â„¢!! It’s Roberto/Flamebrow’s turn! Roberto wants to call the design a “jumper dress” and Flamebrow is like, “No, no, no. We CANNOT call it a dress.” Roberto just doesn’t get it. They continue the argument until Flamebrow walks away. Flamebrow tells us that, at his advanced age, he’s learned not to fight these battles anymore. And we get the quote of the week, “He was brought here to be MY expert.” Insert long index finger. Pardon the gross imagery.

In this week’s “We’re back! No, we’re not!” spot, Roberto begs for more camera time by playing with the two white mice Flamebrow received in his picnic basket. He narrates for us, telling us their names are Roberto and Patty (Flamebrow’s actual name is Patrick) and they have to get along or they’ll get in trouble, and “now you know what it feels like to be caged in, with 26 hours to make an outfit.” Cut to the annoyed faces of all the other designers. Cut to my face, which I’ve slashed with my fingernails as I drag them down my cheek. What an asshole.

Music Douche is first up as Duh-Squared checks up on the designers. MD tells the chaps about how the llama was gray, and then he talks about pleats and drapes and “PAM!” and “WHAM!” and his design hitting across your fat ass with a fat dick. (Whoa, just channeled Snoop Dogg’s DJ EZ Dick.) He basically says nothing intelligible. Duh2 turn to Akiko, who succinctly explains the line with poise. Then she trashes Music Douche to us, telling us “He’s very confident. But…he doesn’t know anything!” HA!

Flamebrow’s turn to face the Duh2 Deposition. He really doesn’t do a good job of explaining his design, calling it “a sad little jumper”. He shows off the glittery snake that’s wrapping itself around the dress. Duh2 leadingly ask him, “What were some of the criticisms of the other designers the other night?” And Flamebrow, without a beat, says, “Being too literal.” Duh2 make asshole faces, like, “DUH.” They move on to the next victim.

Latifah’s next. She explains the concept of the tarantula’s exoskeleton to Duh2, which is simply that it “de-skins itself”. Hmm. Okay. She explains the actual design for the jumpsuit, and they seem to like it until she talks about a cut-out in the pant leg. They’re not very good with their pokerface or obvious direction of their advice–they ask Latifah, “Are you sure about that?” She tells them she’s not, and they nod approvingly. I think they’d be pretty easy to manipulate if any of these dumb designers had a brain.

(I apologize for the lack of screen grabs. Bravo hasn’t posted the whole episode yet, so I’m making do with promo clips and photos from the Bravo gallery. Boring!)

DJ Mister Rogers is next. Remember, his animal inspiration was the toucan. He tells Duh2 about the colors of the toucan inspiring him, then shows his jumpsuit design, which includes bold color…as well as a whole bib of peacock feathers. “Why the peacock feathers?” “Because it’s a bird.” Duh2 give DJ a big clue about not over-designing his piece–almost the same warning they gave Latifah. I wonder which designer was listening?

Lady Gaga’s turn to explain why her design isn’t awful like everyone else’s, and she fails. She’s overly animated as she explains it and Duh2 are so over it. She fights back about their criticisms of this and previous designs, and I think that seals her fate. Duh2 and Gaga reach an impasse, so D2 stroll off, totally rolling their eyes. Gaga smiles and chirps the fakest “Thank you!” you’ve ever heard.

It’s the end of the day and everyone’s packing it in. Music Douche says, “The less time to complete the challenge is really putting tension on everybody.” I have to play it a few times and think about what he’s actually trying to say. I believe he means to say, “The short deadline is really making people tense.” He has a way with words, doesn’t he? Anyway, his constant urban slingshots suck. Everything ain’t “gonna be tight”, and you sound stupid. Wham.

Next morning, 9 hours to go. Music Douche is back at it, complaining about the detail involved in his design, that it’s a lot of work. Akiko is like, “Yes, I KNOW.”

Feather Earrings is back to burning the sage, cleansing her workspace and encouraging the spirits to find her and her design. Yes, because ancient native spirits have nothing better to do than to make sure you win that merchandising opportunity with RueLala. (I’m planning a sage smudging in my own house for the new year, actually, but the difference is that I’m cleansing a crappy DECADE out of my HOME, not burning a constant leaf pile in a warehouse where other people are trying to work, just so I can win a challenge for a half-assed TV show. But I digress.) Peggy Bundy stops by to ask Feather to cool it, fake choking cough and all. Feather Earrings looks at her all innocent and confused. “What?…?”

My buddy Music Douche is narrating this for us, and he concludes the segment with “She blew it out. But I don’t care. Where I’m from, when you see smoke, you just get down! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA” He is officially insane.

Time for Drama â„¢ again! It’s the Latifah and Coco channel this time. In this week’s installment of Time for Drama â„¢, Coco sewed the wrong side of the design (or the fabric? I can’t tell) and Latifah wants to fix it. She starts to cut the stitches, but Coco gets up and control freaks on her. Finally, Latifah commands Coco to just sew and not worry about what Latifah’s doing. I’m getting the feeling that Latifah has figured out how to work with Coco, but Coco still hasn’t budged from her perch of perfection. Coco bitches to us about how Latifah needs to relax, which is hysterical because Coco is obviously the one with bunched panties today.

Peggy B. impresses me when she critiques DJ Mister Rogers’ design. She complains that it’s just too much, but then she smartly and maturely states, “…It’s just not me.” Good for her, not bringing others down. Then she says, hilariously, something like, “Their design is like a night in Vegas. If you gave me something like that, I’d…give it right back.” HA!

Two hours left, it’s time for the models! Lady Gaga greets her model enthusiastically, and her expert, Wedge Hair, immediately starts playing with her hair. It’s like the model walked into some back woods bar and is about to get asked to squeal like a piggy. I am uncomfortable.

Peggy’s model is slightly larger than her measurements. Haven’t they learned by now to sew big at first, then tailor it down? Peggy crabs about how the model’s going to cost her the competition, but Malvin chills it out and talks her off the ledge. Peggy says, “You’re so zen right now, I could kill you.” Love it.

Flamebrow’s model was also a little larger in the hips than they thought, so they chop their jumpsuit to make bloomers, gaining them an extra yard of fabric to add elsewhere. I wonder if that cost them the slinky snake factor. Also? Roberto’s hair is terrible. (But how does he do it? A ton of hairspray? I have rollers and my hair never gets that kind of volume!) As they continue to fit their model, her bloomers continue to get shorter. Flamebrow is a little horrified by this development and shakes his head–it’s NOT his vision.

All of a sudden, I’m struck by how 7th grade social studies project this whole show is. Like they were handed photocopied assignments each week and had to write their name in the top right corner or risk losing five points. Turn it in late? Lose a letter grade.

Or in this case, lose the challenge. Latifah’s breathing down Coco’s neck about their deadline–her jumpsuit still isn’t hemmed. I’m not worried, though. We barely saw Latifah this week, which means she’s staying. Since Music Douche has been so chatty, I wonder if he’s actually he one going home, not Gaga.

Oh lord. Going to commercial, we see a clip from the post-runway judging. One of the Duh Brothers says dramatically, “ONE of you…is going home.” And all of the designers gasp, as though this part of the show is brand new. Are they kidding?

Okay, fashion show time!

Patrick is up first. His model waltzes out in a teeny green suit and a gigantic green boa. You can barely see the actual outfit, and I’m sure it’s on purpose. Patrick narrates that his model looks like a hooker and is headed out to make $10. He also admits that the whole thing was poorly executed. Poor thing.

Peggy Bundy is next, and her model is wearing a brown parachute-pant-lookin’ jumpsuit. The color evokes imagry of baby poop, and the model unzips an area between the top and bottom of the suit. Sure, that works with the overall line Peggy is creating, but it seems unnecessary here and doesn’t do anything for the design. (Then again, the show is throwing her arbitrary challenges, so I guess no one wins this debate.) Couldn’t she have used a warmer brown tone? And where were the shoulder patches? I like the ruching at the ankle, though.

Lady Gaga sends out her chinchilla, and I actually think it’s cute! It’s probably more literal than she should have taken it, but of what we’ve seen on the runway so far, it’s the cutest. And with modifications to the poofiness of the bottom, would be pretty marketable, I think. Well, okay, take away the fur on the booty area, too. But still. It’ll sell.

Music Douche’s cross-eyed model is next, and she looks like she’s…wearing a shiny set of pajamas? An MC Hammer haz-mat suit? If he’d gone further with the harem pants, or not done a harem-like pant at all, this would be a lot better. And true to his word, he put an L on the back of the suit. I don’t understand him.

Next up is DJ Mister Rogers. Other than the stupid peacock feather necklace, I really like his classic blue jumpsuit with the gigantic red sash. BUT, it is kind of plain.

Latfiah’s tarantula comes out, and she’s looking pretty cool! It’s a taupe jumpsuit with one long sleeve, and it fits the model well. The texture of the waistband area contrasting with the jumpsuit material is a nice touch. I call this the winner, if not for the competition, at least in my heart. By the way, did everyone use the same color fabric for their jumpsuits, or is it just me?

Feather Earrings’ jumpsuit is next, and it’s boring. It’s a drapey black jumpsuit with a zebra belt with a red accent. Whatever. It does flow nicely and it highlights the model’s tushie pretty well.

Lou Rawls is last, and her model prances out, practically doing a back-bend. My back hurts watching her walk. Anyway, it’s a nice pant-suit with ruched legs, but it’s kind of boring. And it doesn’t remind me of a capuchin monkey one little bit.

Time for judging. Duh2 tells the group that some people made beautiful things, but others made designs that ranged from ugly to boring. Ouch. Peggy, DJ Mister Rogers, and Lou Rawlsette are safe. The rest were…”interesting”.

Flamebrow gets called out first, and they cut up his trashy snake outfit. He, to his credit, tries to sell it and not admit to its many flaws. At least, not at first. When the judges ask him about the synergy with his designer, he smiles and describes the synergy as “oil and water…but now it’s a vinaigrette!” Hey, Flamebrow really is classy. He could have totally thrown Roberto under the bus, but he didn’t. The judges take it easy on him.

Next up is Feather Earrings. The judges love the draping in the back, because it’s lush while the rest of the design is sleek. They call the design “current” and praise the work that she and her expert did in just one day. I just wish that her expert would stop wearing $5 Old Navy jersey scarves as ascots, though.

Lady Gaga’s masterpiece is next. She immediately claims to be misunderstood, and the judges are like, “Fine. Tell us what we’re not getting.” And of course she can’t articulate it. She bats her eyes and bleats on and on about nonconformance. Lisa Klein calls Gaga out for putting fur in the crotch, which is the one place people don’t need more fur. I love blatant pussy jokes–this is great. Lisa K. doesn’t even miss a beat or crack a smile. Anyway, while they seem to be blasting her design, they also seem to offer her enough constructive criticism that I think they might also like it a little.

Latifah’s turn. They love it. They don’t love the cabbage sitting on the model’s head, but they love the jumpsuit. The camera keeps cutting to Coco as they praise the fit and stitching of the design. Judge Stephani calls this jumpsuit a worthy investment for one’s wardrobe. Well, that’s high praise!

Finally? Music Douche. He explains his line as going from the streets to the suites. He calls Akiko “Big A” and she smirks. He’s just getting into his whole (literal) song and dance about his design, and Lisa K. stops him. She loves the top, hates the diaper ass on the back. Music Douche is solemn. Then the judges praise the concept and the color choice, but Music Douche looks like he might cry. This is awkward.

Okay, so the winner is….Feather Earrings! The judges faked out Latifah and she thought she had the win, but nope! She’s just safe. Also, wow, she has crazy eyes. Crazy!

Backstage discussion: They’re not thrilled with Lady Gaga’s work overall, but she almost seems to be improving. But she’s still a hard sell, overall. Music Douche is criticized for have a completely incohesive line, and they poop on his current design for being too downcast–they say it looks like someone needs to catch it as it falls to the floor. Not good! Finally, they check out Flamebrow’s up close. At least his line is consistent, even though this particular design sucked. They see a customer for him, too. I really hope he’s safe.

So, who’s going home? YAY! It’s my buddy, Music Douche! Oh, I was gonna be so sad if it was Flamebrow, but nope! Inconsistent half-retard Music Douche’s line has been dropped. I clapped!

Music Douche can’t leave without dropping more nonsense on our noodles. He says, “When I heard my line was dropped, I wasn’t surprised.” Oh good! It seems he has some self-awareness, realizes his designs weren’t that strong. He continues, “…I was devastated.” Huh? So you WERE surprised? AND devastated? He thanks the judges for the opportunity, and reveals that his daughter made him do the show. Ah, now we know who to blame. Poor Akiko–the Big A. Better luck next time.

As Music Douche and his lumpy backfat leave, we see the launch clock reset to 48 hours. Dunh dunh dunnnnnh.

Next week on Launch My Line: the designers ARE the models. And though the show preview doesn’t tell me, the commercials I’m watching as I write this up tell me this upcoming episode is also the nudity episode. Whoopee. And…that’s about all the dirt I’ve got for you. Don’t …miss it!