FlashForward: Call Me Mr. Jones, Because We’re Counting Crows

My least favorite episode so far turns into my favorite episode so far in about three seconds.We open with the extended scene from last week in which the strange foreign woman tells Demetri that he will be shot three times in the chest on March 15, and he should maybe just stay home that day. This seems to confirm that his lack of flashforward indicates his death, although I really liked what the poster said last week about how if everyone on earth sees the same moment then like a third of them must have been asleep at that time so this wouldn’t be that big of a mystery.

Also, Lost called, they want their cryptic French woman back.

The scene shifts to Germany, where some prisoner is telling a guard that in his vision he saw something that will ensure his release. I guess that’s kind of scary, but I’m sure a lot of prisoners would be saying something like that after the Black-out.

Meanwhile, our favorite FlashForward couple is at home, making phone calls to find their wild teenage babysitter, unseen since episode 1. Aaron shows up and Mark stumbles his way through some lie about the phones being broken. Mark proceeds to spill his guts about Charlie’s vision and the search for D. Gibbons (and didn’t we learn that that’s Deedee, our favorite racist baker?) and even the masked gunmen that attacked him in his flashforward. Aaron tells him to “do whatever he has to do,” which is pretty much the least helpful advice you could ever give anyone. Also, why is it OK to share FBI secrets with your telephone repairman?

Meanwhile, Demetri’s girlfriend Zoey is getting on a plane, and in a ridiculously expositional conversation with the man next to her we learn that she’s traveling back to LA and hasn’t been home since the Black-out. Also, she’s a lawyer. Also, exposition man is the CEO of the company who is flying to show confidence in the company. Is this important? Survey says, almost surely not.

Back at the FBI, Demetri asks some guy named Hal to backtrace the cell phone number. And he gives it “nuclear” priority, which makes me think that the writers just picked a word that sounded vaguely urgent. In the offices, the FBI agents have spent the week on the FlashForward message boards and have a list of possible Black-out causes, including plankton and toxic gas. They’ve also got the claim of the prisoner we saw earlier, who was apparently an ex-Nazi. Oh, ABC. When I first saw the old guy in a German prison, my first thoughts were more Nazi jokes than I can write down. But no, I thought, give the Germans a chance, do away with the stereotypes. But America’s Broadcasting Company is here to remind us that yes, they’re all Nazis.

So Mr. Nazi claims to know why the Black-out lasted exactly 137 sekunden (German for “seconds” and “time it takes to conquer Poland”). This seems like a scam, but because Mark remembers it from his board, we’re off to Deutscheland. It’s a good thing that Mark actually wants to solve the mystery, cause this would be an easy power to abuse. “I saw myself living in a castle. And bank statements of my millions of dollars. And naked pictures of Megan Fox. Let’s get to work, people!”

Demetri meets Zoey in the airport, and they kiss romantically. She’s really excited to share flashforwards (damn women) but he temporarily distracts her with cheap motel room sex. If I had a nickel…

Aaron goes to see his ex-wife Katie in her bar, and a quick trip down imdb.com-lane confirms that yes, that is Cassidy from Lost playing Katie. Poor Kim Dickens. Doomed to forever play secondary characters in confusing sci-fi shows. Anyways, Aaron tells her that their daughter is alive (based on his flashforward) but Katie will have none of it. She’s already moved on, damnit. Aaron asks her to sign a form to exhume their daughter’s remains, but Katie refuses and gives him the bum’s rush.

Demetri has run out of sex, so Zoey starts to spill about their Hawaiian wedding. She gushes about seeing him there, and Demetri plays along and says he saw her, too. But he doesn’t think they should commit to a date. She rightfully points out that they don’t need to, the cosmos picked it for them. April 29! The three bullets in his chest might put a damper on that.

The non-intercoursing agents land in Germany, and some German guy starts in on how great the German government is and how lucky they are to be here and how the entire “Third Reich” thing was really just a misunderstanding. Bland FBI skank (and I REALLY need to learn her name) starts debating him on killing Jews, and he fires back something about Indians, and then Mark reminds them about Brittany Spears and everyone is happy again. Mr. German Tourist Board reminds them that this guy is slippery and should not be trusted.

Old Nazi tells them that he wants something good for his info, and he has a full pardon in mind. Mark doesn’t like the sound of this, but Nazi reminds him he has all the cards. Mark talks it over with Bland FBI Skank (JANICE! Mark just said it!) and she wants to walk, but Mark says this is for the greater good and they should make the deal. As Janice says, “there’s no statute of limitations on evil.” If only she had more than one method of delivery, that line would have impressed me.

Meanwhile, Dr. Olivia is lunching with FBI Director’s wife, and talking about all the work that their spouses are burying themselves with. And oh, boy, here’s where things get awkward. Dr. Olivia, as usual, does not want to discuss her dirty little flashforward, but because this show needs ANOTHER goddamn character, FBI Director’s wife is going to share. She was tucking in this eight-year-old kid who kept calling her “mom,” and she has no idea who he was. Huh. Weird, I guess.

Crazy Nazi is ready to give Mark a little taste of his knowledge as a gesture of goodwill. These Nazis seem like stand-up guys, I bet a lot of it was unfair press. Nazi starts to give us an anthropology lesson, pausing only to call Janice out for being a lesbian. Wouldn’t it be great if Janice’s closeted homosexuality was the only info that he had to offer?

Anyways, now he’s talking about Kabbalah. He spells it out in Hebrew, and then assigns each letter a certain number, and then multiplies it by Avogadro’s Number, and then subtracts it from line 15 (married couples filing jointly) and somehow he winds up with 137, the number of seconds in the Black-out. Wow. This does not seem helpful, or at all connected.

Mark and I are thinking alike and he jumps up and starts yelling at the Nazi. Doesn’t he realize this is priority NUCLEAR? Nazi tells him that his flashforward was him being repatriated to the good old USA, and he casually remarked that he had a murder to thank. But that’s the demo version, and Nazi v2.0 is going to cost Mark one full pardon and one weight on his conscience. The negotiations are interrupted by a call from Aaron, who wants a favor. Namely, more screen time.

Seriously though, he wants Tracy’s remains exhumed. I love that he and Mark just regularly share FBI secrets and use the entire organization for personal means. Mark thinks it’s a bad idea, but Aaron is insistent.

Demetri has run a search for the customs officer that Mr. Nazi supposedly spoke to, Jerome Murphy. Nothing comes up, but FBI Director reminds him to check applicants also. Well, duh. I feel like our country is REALLY in trouble when I’m thinking of these things before the FBI agents.

Now he’s at a really shady house with loud music playing inside. What will he find? Dolls in nooses? Cryptic men in the shadows? More clues to the intricate plot web?

No, it’s another one of FlashForward’s forays into comedy, which I really wish would end immediately. This is Jerome Murphy, and he’s really excited to hear that he’s going to get hired. EXCEPT HE’S ONLY GETTING HIRED BECAUSE OF THE FLASHES. There are a lot of headscratchers in this one, TVgasm readers. Really making me want to watch Back to the Future again. Demetri is leaving and he trips over a bong, but he’s like, no biggie, ttyl. So even though he’s like out the door and has zero evidence, Jerome starts to beg Demetri not to turn him in because that would change his great future. Oh, snap, good job, show. Will Demetri try to alter the future???

Back in Germany, Mark and Janice are eating in an empty restaurant, Jurassic Park-style, and mulling over their ethical dilemma. Yeah, we get it FlashForward, this is a tough call. Have them make a choice and let’s get back to the time paradoxes, shall we? FBI Director calls and delivers the Monologue of the Week about making choices and having faith, and the whole thing is played over the start of Tracy’s exhumation, which I totally thought they were going to drag out like five more episodes.

The phone recall to the Danielle Rousseau wannabe failed, so now Demetri wants to check all calls that bounced off the towers. PRIORITY NUCLEAR.

So over the protests of the German reps, we’re going to release Mr. Nazi. He says that when he woke up he saw in the courtyard a group of dead crows, otherwise known as a MURDER. The Nazi is all like, “OWNED, I totally made up knowing anything about anything. Good luck with that whole crow thing.” So, whoops, guess we maybe shouldn’t have made a deal with a NATIONAL SOCIALIST. Everyone makes mistakes.

Mark heads home after a long day of overturning the Nuremberg Trials and Dr. Olivia is there to have sex with him. I guess when you’ve only got six months of that left you should get it while you can.

Back in Katie’s (Cassidy’s) bar, Aaron is chilling at the counter and looking glum. It turns out that Tracy’s body was in the grave, so now his last hope is gone. They embrace sadly. Wow, this whole episode has been kind of a downer.

FBI Director is eulogizing the fallen agents, while our main characters look on sadly and sappy music plays. Oh, and his wife totally sees the little boy that she’s going to raise, apparently. Thanks for that flashback, show, but I can usually remember the stuff that happens twenty minutes ago.

They all head to the bar to drink, and it’s about time for Mark to have another creepy idea. He grabs Janice and her one expression and they head out. Demetri and Zoey flirt a little bit, and Demetri decides to commit to the wedding and “make the future happen.” How sweet! And sad. Damn this show, it’s turning me bipolar.

Mark has Janice look up the crow population, and a whole lot of them died during the Black-out. Mark gets really excited and wants to look historically at other times lots of crows have died, and it was only once in Somalia. On the same day that a bunch of local people SUFFERED MASS LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS.

Cut to Somalia, where some little boy is herding sheep, and then immediately gets killed by pirates. Not really, but I’ve heard it’s brutal there. Anyways, a bunch of crows are flying in a huge flock and then they all die at once, and then the boy looks up and sees a huge, mysterious tower!

Darn it, Flashforward! I’m always thinking, this show isn’t so exciting, and then you end on such a suspenseful note. Ok, tell me quick, what the hell was that tower???