FlashForward: More Than A Season-Long ‘That’s So Raven?’

Tonight on FlashForward, the country continues to mourn Joe Biden. Nah, just kidding. We open on a zoom-in from space to the earth, which makes me feel like I’m recapping America’s Got Talent again, and then we hear creepy little kids chanting “Ring Around the Rosey,” which makes me feel like I’m watching some scary movie, and then we finally see last week’s little girl/vegetable on the playground, which reminds me I’m watching ABC’s second most popular sci-fi show. Charlie is standing (what else?) silently while all the other kids are blacked out, except then it was just a lame game they were playing.

Charlie refuses to play (and come on, pretend that you blacked out and then make up some fantasy? It IS a dumb game) and this black kid rips her stuffed bear for her nonconformity. Charlie, still angry for essentially being a very expensive prop in Episode 1, suddenly lashes out and shoves the kid, then runs away.

She almost gets killed by like two cars, and then suddenly runs right into a military blockade! How exciting! The military is essentially there to fly their helicopters over downtown LA and look concerned, proving that even in completely fictional, sci-fi universes, the USA’s disaster relief leaves something to be desired.

Scary FBI director goes all HR by gruffly complaining that six agents have resigned, for a grand total of eighteen. Is anyone else sort of hoping that the goddamn FBI has enough agents that EIGHTEEN isn’t the majority? He then gives a little speech about the FBI’s responsibility in this trying time and how the country is looking to them. Right after the police, fire department, national guard, and regularly standing army, I’m sure all public eyes are on you. We’re STILL talking about the lack of FBI response after Hurricane Katrina.

Some bitchy lady comes in and claps. This is Anastasia from the Department of Homeland Security, and she’ll be playing your human antagonist this evening.

Charlie’s school principal is explaining to Mark and Dr. Olivia how Charlie refuses to share her vision and seems generally isolated. So her complete lack of personality is a new thing, then? The principal asks if everything is alright at home, and rather than bring up Dr. Olivia’s prophetic vision of swabbing the decks with Admiral Norrington, they simply play along. The principal then urges them to stop with the sensitive bullshit and beat Charlie’s vision out of her.

Dr. Olivia promises Mark that nothing is ever going to happen with this guy, and now we begin the time-travel brain teasers. Is it possible for her to just refuse to ever talk to this guy? Can they change the future? What if Mark destroys that friendship bracelet? Remember on Lost when Desmond found out that he told little Charlotte never to come to the island and then she did because of that and then she died and then DESMOND DID IT AGAIN ANYWAY? Didn’t that piss you off?

Anyways, they decide to stay strong for the kid and then continue their weird “hate talk is love talk” routine. So it’s all good in Mark/Olivia land. FOR NOW.

Bitchy Anastasia is freaking about about spending FBI money on a website (the Mosaic Project), but FBI skank is explaining that they’ve had over 600,000 people post accounts of their visions. This is a good time for some brooding shots of Demetri, he of the no vision, btw. They’re getting a pretty good idea of everything that will happen on April 29 and using fancy computer stuff to scan for suspicious activity in the accounts. Anastasia reads off every internet theory about this show (aliens, rapture, they’re all in purgatory, etc.) before they show her the tape of not-blacked-out guy and tell her that he’s their lead.

Dr. Olivia pops into the hospital and performs surgery on the bear (which I’m SURE isn’t covered by Charlie’s insurance provider) and then meets Lloyd! The guy she’s gonna sleep with! OMG!

Dr. Olivia is highly awkward around Lloyd, but claims that because of the high death toll she’s been extremely busy and therefor a little out of it. Lloyd tells us that his son is autistic (AND HE’S SINGLE) and he’s not sure how to tell his son about his wife’s death or even how his son is doing (AND HE’S SINGLE). Dr. Olivia continues to freak out in a not-so-subtle way.

Demetri responds to all us internet fans by expressing shock that Mark would wear the friendship bracelet, but Mark reminds him that minuscule signs of fatherly support are more important than his life, the conclusion of Project Mosaic, or his marriage in six months. Seriously, “I gotta make Charlie happy” is a weak argument.

Mark says that Demetri is only worried about himself dying, which may be true, but makes his point no less valid. They’re still looking for the mysterious D. Gibbons, who Mark insists is important because he was on the wall in six months. Because YOU put him on the wall! This brings us to Time Rant, Part 2: the cyclical nature of these notes on the wall. Is it really possible that they’re only there because he put them there? Doesn’t he need to know LEGITIMATELY what they mean at some point?

Oh, so D Gibbons is a woman and she’s here. It’s Deedee Gibbons from Anaheim, California, who owns a bakery and brought in cupcakes for the team! What I wouldn’t give to hear Demetri exclaim, “I hope all our leads are this delicious!” while comically stuffing his face with frosting. Where goes our hilarious FBI-sidekick stereotype?

Deedee had a vision of screaming at someone over the phone and mentioning Agent Noh, then gives herself a little racist edge by speculating on the Asian-ness of Demetri’s last name. Future FBI skank does an AMAZING eye roll and Deedee assures us that she’s a good person. Careful, Deedee, we don’t tolerate racism anymore. Jeff Probst says.

The FBI team argues about whether or not Deedee is lying, and then we decide to stretch out the hilarious bit where FBI director was on the john but doesn’t want to say so. FBI director comes clean, and then some hilarious physical comedy involving a drowned guy in a urinal and CPR ensues. Oh, FlashForward. Action, romance, medical drama, and now workplace comedy? Is there any genre you WON’T tackle?

Dr. Olivia decides that it’s best to try and con her daughter’s flashforward out of her and asks her if she’s ever seen Lloyd before. Pirates of the Caribbean has a strict PG-13 rating, so Charlie shakes her head and continues to make up for last week by overacting like crazy. But then she catches a glimpse of Dylan (Lloyd’s autistic son) and freaks out. So he was in her flashforward, somehow. MORE INTRIGUE.

Deedee has no criminal record, but weird credit card charges from Newport Beach and Utah on the same day. They remember that Deedee was yelling about pigeons on the phone and learn it’s a town in Utah, so maybe she was yelling at her credit card company? This is getting exciting, TVgasm readers.

Mark doesn’t take the news that Dr. Olivia met Lloyd well, and storms off to Utah. Which is probably the first time that ANYONE has ever stormed off to Utah. Some walk-on police officer greets the FBI agents, and admits that she didn’t have a vision. Demetri gets a look in his eye, which alternatively means “someone to understand my pain!” and “she’s probably so emotionally wrecked that I could have sex with her.”

Back at the Bureau, they’re still pouring over the surveillance tape of the needlessly-named “Suspect 0.” They’ve got his height and weight and they’re throwing the pictures over to some other supercomputers, and it’s the kind of thing that we as the American viewing audience just sort of take the show’s word for.

There’s a HUGE sting set up to get Deedee’s credit card thief, but Demetri continues his pessimism and tells Mark that it isn’t going to work. I feel like Demetri is like the recapper, if the recapper was actually on the show. There’s a scary doll factory across the street, and, remembering the picture of the doll on the board, they set out to investigate. Jinkies, gang!

The creepy doll factory has a bunch of dolls in nooses near the top of the stairs, and as they climb the creepy “Ring Around The Rosey” that we heard earlier starts to play. Behind another door is a man in the shadows, who cryptically mutters that, “he who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.” Then the entire office blows up. Mark finds someone taking the picture of the burned doll that he saw on the board. Also, the police woman that DIDN’T have a flashforward is dead. Well played, ABC. Well played.

They found a cell phone and a white queen in the office wreckage, but then they made Richard Simmons go home. RIMSHOT! Anyways, the chess pieces confuse them. “Data forensics” says that the guy has been doing crazy amounts of hacking over the last few days, and Demetri suspects that he was investigating the black-out also. And he wasn’t smart enough to not get caught for credit card fraud?

Lloyd still needs to tell Dylan that his mom died, and opens with the good news. He’s getting better! But here’s the bad news. Mom’s not coming back. Dylan wants to see Dr. Olivia, which has got to be tough on Lloyd.

FBI skank has news! The recovered cell made five calls right before the black-out, AND ONE DURING THE BLACK-OUT. They triangulated the position of the received call and found out that it was Suspect 0! I’m sitting up in my chair, and my nerd is definitely showing.

Now FBI skank wants to talk about her ultrasound, but she’ll do it with the one facial expression and tone that she’s been using, damnit. She posts on Project Mosaic about her ultrasound, and then presses Demetri about his own possible death. Demetri has yet to tell his fiance about this, but if he truly loved her you’d think he’d save her a lot of wedding deposits. FBI skank talks him in to searching Mosaic for info on himself.

Mark and Dr. Olivia are cuddling on the couch, and Mark tells her that he’s praying the future doesn’t happen. I would think that not wearing the bracelet or perfecting replicating the board would be a good start. But it turns out that Mark is one step ahead of me, and the symbol of his daughter’s affection is quietly roasting in the fireplace as they speak.

In a scary parking garage, a (French?) woman calls Demetri and tells him she saw his web posting (insert your own Match.com joke here) and, well, he’s going to be murdered on April 15. When he sees how much he has to pay in taxes! Hi-oh! In all seriousness, this sucks for Demetri.

Mark kisses Charlie goodnight, and she says she’s worried about the flashforwards coming true. Mark says that they’re more like yellow lights in traffic, which I think is a pretty good simile, but Charlie warns him that D. Gibbons is a bad man. THE END!

Ok, WHAT? What do we think Charlie saw? Are there any theories at this point? And who else is in the mood for cupcakes?