FlashForward: And It Looks Good On A Plaque

An evening of dramatic irony? Don’t mind if I do.

Well readers, we begin this week with some sad news. ABC confirmed this week that they would be canceling FlashForward, which means that there are only three episodes left IN EXISTENCE. Only three more delightful forty-minute packages of Mark n’ Demetri, solving crimes. Of Olivia and her cheating ways. And, mercifully, of the Courtship of Bryce and Nicole. Let’s dig in and try not to think about it!

Just kidding! Absolutely everything that happens tonight will be dripping in dramatic irony to remind you of the cancellation. Actually, this turns out to be great fun.

FBI Director is making a big speech to the whole staff about the importance of tomorrow, as it will be the day that they catch up to the flashforwards. There’s a lot of stuff about destiny and the future being upon them and basically as many things as you can think of that make the show’s cancellation bitterly hilarious.

He then pulls Mark aside for a status update on Simon. Mark says that they tapped the phones, sent out alerts, and are currently watching the house, but no sign of him. Vogel, because he loves to be associated with all things pessimistic, shows the team a news station with close-up footage of Suspect Zero during the Black-Out, and even though it’s quite obviously from a different angle FBI Director still freaks out that someone leaked it. Yeah, it would be awful to have a MOLE or something. Mark wonders, why now? As do FlashForward fans everywhere, Mark.

Simon is actually in some bar, working on an American accent and trying to memorize his new identity, David Walker. Hey, the shocking plot development from the end of the last episode is actually being addressed at the start of the next episode! I’m looking at you, Demetri and Janis make a baby, and also at you, order to kill Mark.

We’ve caught Simon between his jazz class and poetry workshop.

Some lady wanders over, and I recognize her boobs as the ones that recruited Janis. Lita asks for a drink from Simon, but tells him to follow her and hear her out. Yeah, because what’s the worst that could happen?

Business Demetri is on the phone, trying to track down the news producer that got the Suspect Zero footage. Screw those journalistic rights, Demetri! When he gets back to his desk he’s surprised by Zoe.

“Remember when I was important for, like, one episode?”

She wants him to take tomorrow off and fly to Hawaii with her, because air prices are cheap on Death Day. And maybe she’ll run into the head of the airline again! How random was that, btw? But Demetri protests that tomorrow is super important for the FBI, but she insists that this should be about both of them. She’ll be on the plane, bitch, will you?? He gets a call and she walks out. Man, there’s a lot of good career vs. personal life stuff on this show.

I know this is how I look when I watch the show.

Gabe the savant is in Mark’s office with Olivia, because she keeps him calm and because she has to be there under the Lloyd Simcoe “Run Into Your Awkward Love Connection As Many Times As Possible” Corollary. He’s trying to ‘fix’ the Mosaic board, and you’d think these people would learn to just trust him by now.
He introduces Olivia as “Olivia Simcoe” (LOL) and shows Mark his own sketched out Mosaic Board, then explains his flashforwards with Frost. ‘Flashforwards with Frost’ sounds like a really sinister children’s book. Also, we know all this already, let’s keep moving.

Olivia tries to leave and Gabe freaks out, which is pretty much all he ever does. This takes like five minutes. When you only have roughly two hours of airtime left before your cancellation, is this REALLY how you want to spend it?

At some other seedy bar, which is not to be confused with Simon’s first seedy bar, Janis meets with Vogel and asks to be released from triple agent duty. Or they’re on the world’s worst date. It turns out crazy fish lady Carlene has been on Janis about killing Mark, and she just doesn’t think she can do it. I love that that might be an option, like Vogel would just say, “you know what, Janis? You need to kill Mark so we can keep up this charade.” But then again, it is Vogel, so who knows?

One is a stubborn and obnoxious womanizer, and the other one is an even more stubborn and obnoxious womanizer.

And actually yes, Vogel makes me look like an idiot and renders that entire joke useless by basically making it seem like Janis needs to make them like her at all costs. “Give them something big,” he intones. MUSIC SWELLS DRAMATICALLY.

Back at the office, Demetri wants to talk about the baby but Janis wants him to have no part of it. She advises him to just forget about the pregnancy and get on with Zoe. But Demetri feels like a cheap piece of meat and sits at his desk, troubled.

How many badges does one man need??

When Mark goes to talk to Olivia alone, Gabe takes it upon himself to “make it right” and starts changing the Mosaic board. If only this show’s writers had had the same attitude. Hey-oh!

Raise your hand if you forgot we still had characters in Afghanistan. Yeah, me too. Aaron has been led to a Jericho base and is taking pictures for the FBI. They spot the interrogation room and the random Afghans start moving stuff, but sneaky-like and with a purpose. So we can tell that they, you know, have a plan. Or something.

Aaron has had the craziest character evolution ever. How did they audition for this guy? “We need a telephone repairman who used to be an alcoholic who then practices vigilante justice and finally travels to Afghanistan to retrieve his daughter from secret government operatives. Also, he saw the future one time.”

Everyone now knows it was Simon that was awake during the Black-Out. And because Lita and Simon are both huge sluts, they totally did it and now Simon wants to run away with her. Wow, ’tis the episode of clingly men. Lita says that Hellinger (the guy that paid for all his school and then was his boss. Or something.) wants to help him, but he protests he doesn’t have a boss. But then Hellinger shows up! And it’s that one guy that was with Alda that one time! That’s really as specific as I can even be.

A clue! A clue!

Also, THE GORDON!

Back at the FBI. Gabe is identifying a photos of Frost, the homeless guy, and that one chick who was in the Christmas episode that they assaulted at the one restaurant. Nadra! Yeah, I think that’s right. Anyways, he says they were all together at Ravenriver. He doesn’t know when the next Black-Out will be, but he says the leaders were Frost and a man he only calls “Big Guy.” But he has a picture of him that he drew! I think it’s supposed to be Hellinger, but he’s a savant and not an artist, if you catch my drift. Demetri walks in and Gabe freaks out because he should be dead.

Yep, the gang is all here.

Over at THE GORDON!, Hellinger is playing the “how many people have had sex in that bed” motel game with Simon. Answer: at least two. The he tells Simon it’s time to come home and, after making Lita skedaddle, he tells Simon he has nothing without working for him. But Simon says that there’s nothing Hellinger can do to him and they need him too much to kill him. He finishes his cheap gin and leaves. Remember like back in the first five episodes, when we were just really excited that Charlie from Lost was going to be on this show at all? Now I’m sort of sick of him. Put him back with Janis!

“Don’t mind me, I’m just here sitting casually.”

Mark and Demetri are going to run Gabe’s crappy sketch through facial analysis programs and send it out worldwide. Would that even hold up in court? Mark says Demetri shouldn’t worry because the idea that the universe is shoving us towards one ultimate destiny is ridiculous. I really want to rewind this and play the “FlashForward’s Cancellation Dramatic Irony Drinking Game.” Demetri says soon they have to go back to living like they used to. Take a shot. And he’s kind of looking forward to it. Take another shot.

Another random-ass Lloyd/Olivia/Gabe scene. At least when the show tried to be funny it was painful but quick, these are just nonsensical and tedious. He does tell Lloyd that they’re both part of the equation, which I’m sure will be important later.

Aaron sends FBI Director the photos and FBI Director begs him to wait for military back-up. Aaron refuses when he sees Tracy being moved to a truck. TOO. MANY. CHARACTERS.

So now Carlene is meeting Janis in some creepy laundromat (I know, redundant). Janis just keeps saying she’ll do it when she gets the chance, but Carlene says if it’s not before tomorrow night she’s dead. The dirty meeting place, the excuses, the death threats. This is a lot like my interactions with flipit about my recaps.

Also, Carlene is pissed she has no Mosaic updates. Janis cracks and says that they’ve basically just been doing everything and anything Gabe says and Carlene wants this information. She also keeps being really disturbing and backs Janis into a washer while showing a reckless disregard for her personal space. Oh, no, without Gabe who will alternate between wasting our time with stupid Olivia/Lloyd scenes and actually advancing the fucking plot?

Afghanistan. Aaron finds the two soldiers about to bury Tracy (which would indicate that she’s already dead to me) and shoots them both. Why did all these highly trained operatives around him let the telephone repairman make these important shots? They rush over and retrieve Tracy.

FBI Director is in his office and calls up the president, who apparently is just hanging out in his office and takes the call immediately. FBI Director says he’s going to turn these new scary photos he just received over to the VP and the president hangs up. Then FBI Director calls the VP! Oh snap! It’s going down.

Everyone is preparing to move Gabe to the safe house and Janis is freaking out. She goes to her cell phone and calls in their number and route. What a mole. Then she grasps her stomach dramatically. I sort of like Badass Janis, so I don’t really know how I feel about Morally-Conflicted Janis.

Reede and Demetri are in the front seat of the van with Gabe and two no-names in the back. They turn down a street and almost run into a truck full of junk and a Hispanic man gets out of the front and starts shooting. Racist FlashForward. He just HAD to be in a junk trunk, didn’t he? Couldn’t have stopped them with a limo? Demetri shoots him as they speed into reverse, but two guys behind them blow out their tires and put bullets all over the van. Wow, worst equipped safe van ever. They open the sliding door and Mark shoots one of them! He was only pretending to be Gabe and annoying!! Well, only pretending to be Gabe anyway. He and Demetri take out the aggressors. I take it all back, guys, best safe van ever. They order the other guy to talk them to their boss.

Aaron gets Tracy to a car and orders them to drive back to the city, even though they insist it’s a bad idea.

From FLOSSO to Frost to this guy. Discussion question: does Alda belong on this list?

Back in America. These Afghanistan scenes seem SO throwaway. Mark, still disguised as Gabe, is driven to Hellinger’s secret lair. But Hellinger totally figures out it’s a trap and bails at the last second, except now his whole operation is screwed. Even though there are like 50 of them and like 3 FBI guys.

This is their whole operation? They are literally just in someone’s garage.

Hellinger rushes to a computer and manages to delete all the files using one handy password before he’s caught. Man, when is Microsoft giving us THAT feature?

AND there’s a parking garage underneath?? I said it last week, but the real science fiction is this crazy fountain building.

Janis is walking to her car when she’s intercepted by Mark, demanding to know who she works for. She says she’s CIA and Mark shakes his head, disappointed. He knew about the fish store and the meetings with Vogel, but it was sealed when Vogel was just a little too mysterious about the decoy mission. Really, that was the final tell? I was hoping for some hidden clue that only the razor sharp mind of Mark Binford could spot, not a weird hunch. Why is this show still on? Oh, wait…

Mark tells Janis not to give him the greater good stuff because it doesn’t really work, but “it looks good on a plaque though.” LOL you think Mark like actually put that on a plaque somewhere in his home? Frankly, I wouldn’t put it past him. Janis breaks down about how she can’t have any friends or do anything personal cause of her awful job, and Mark just keeps grinding into her about her deception. But not so fast, Janis reminds him he is also Mr. Career and his own personal life ain’t perfect. He walks away and Janis begs him just not to tell Demetri before she can.

Which is actually happening right now. She’s walking with him and he again asks her about the baby. Wow, how are we not more mad at him for cheating on Zoe? He’s a huge scumbag, when you think about it. She keeps imploring him to leave the baby alone and go to his wife.

Odd, odd poster. Much like myself. ZING.

In the real safe house, Gabe is watching cartoons and Demetri goes to talk to him. He asks if he was alive in any of the futures, but Gabe says nope, it was the dirt nap in all of them. Gabe also says it’s not possible to do something new and everyone will end up where they’re supposed to be. Demetri gives a look that clearly expresses his current, “well, fuck” mindset.

Aaron has arrived in the room he recognizes from his flashforward. And, oh, ok, we’re moving on.

Janis arrives home and Simon is there with a gun. He needs her help! YES! Don’t break these two up!!

So with only two episodes left, what’s going to happen? Is anyone unbelievably torn up about the cancellation?