FlashForward: LOST Sort Of Stole Our Thunder

This is it, kids. The final FlashForward.

Is it weird that I feel sad? Like even more sad than during the Lost finale? I think it’s kind of like this show needed me more than Lost so I connected with it more, the same way a teacher probably feels closer to the remedial kids who do extra homework than the smart-ass kids who question the lesson plan. And from this awkward analogy, let’s transition into a quick summary of the journey we’ve taken together (or at least, my favorite parts).

This never really amounted to anything. Except bitter irony. Hey, just like me!

Remember when we thought that this meant everything would be OK? Before we knew Charlie was a bracelet-making machine?

Frankly, I remember nothing about the Nazi.

Lest we forget.

Lest we forget.

I cannot believe HOW MUCH TIME was given to Keiko.

“Man, my episode was good.”

“Man, my episode was weird. Remember Nicole’s mom? Like, WTF?”

“Man, my episode sucked.”

Oh yeah, and then Aaron went INSANE!

This was also a good episode.

And then we played ‘One of These Things Is Not Like the Others.’

And then we realized the President subplot probably wasn’t going anywhere.

And then Dyson made the show AWESOME again.

And Olivia continued to delight me.

So then we realized we should start preparing ourselves for the end…

…be it with drinking or with a fellow confused friend…

…so even though NOTHING happened last week…

…I’m ready for this show to peak! Onward to THE FINALE!!! I’m totally guessing that the flashforwards were like, purgatory.

It’s April 29, and we’re 78 minutes away from flashforward time. Ironically, we’re also 78 minutes away from being done with FlashForward time forever, but let’s not dwell on that. Mark is still in the big house. Olivia is randomly camping out on some beach, because that’s the safest place to be with your adolescent daughter on a night like tonight. Nicole is…just sort of sitting there, because even during dramatic establishing shots she is boring.

Oh, goody, the first scenes in our precious remaining hour will focus on the Bryce/Keiko snooze-mance. She’s being dragged through the airport by her anti-feminist mother and he’s grilling the police about her whereabouts, but he isn’t getting any information from the sassy black lady cop that Central Casting sent over.

“I’d like to turn myself in for SUCKING.”

Because Sassy Cop is reading a trashy romance novel, Bryce decides to impress her with his wild love story but she still seems unimpressed. It didn’t work with us viewers either, Bryce! The cop insinuates she’d like $100 for the info, and I insinuate I’d like $100 for each additional scene centric on Bryce tonight.

Jump to the other underdeveloped (read: boring) characters, Aaron and Tracy. Holy cow, who do I actually LIKE on this show? Aaron is still sad because Tracy is still dead and protests that random Afghan doctor needs to try again because of the flashforwards. And as we the audience finally take note of Aaron’s HUGE bald spot, it appears that Tracy was only mostly dead and there’s a pulse after all. It’s a finale miracle!

I’d said it before and I’ll never get to say it again. SPINOFF!

Over at NLAP in Palo Alto, the Mystery Machine pulls up and Simon says that they’ve found the perfect location to get in and access the computers and now they need to shut down the fence, but Demetri gets as sassy as the cop and reminds Simon this won’t be easy. Janis says they both need to trust them and Demetri says he trusts her, continuing with that awkward romantic tension that we’ve never noticed before but realize sort of fits perfectly. Oh, yeah, I like THESE characters. Also, because it is a finale, Janis feels pains around her baby.

Oh, and FBI Director decides to bail out Mark and give him his gun back like half an hour before he’s supposed to be killed by some intruders. REALLY FBI Director? The same guy who regularly shoots down any mission with a hint of danger is now Mr. Maverick? And what exactly do they need him for? Where’s the logic?

FBI Director and Mark have a little heart-to-heart in the car (I guess if Demetri is making Janis switch teams, Mark needs a new bromance?) when they get a call that there are two bombs in the FBI offices. Here we go! Time to get this finale started!

A reckless u-turn? The writers did bring their A-game!

Team Awesome Characters crash their car into the NLAP gate, and some random guard goes to investigate. Janis collapses out of the front seat and in his arms, moving one electronic thingy close to his electronic thingy while Demetri and Simon move their electronic thingy near the fence. SCIENCE! As the guard calls an ambulance, Demetri is worried that Janis is actually hurt, but Simon pulls him along into the building.

I’m sure this is fine.

Over at Rape Beach, who comes strolling up but Lloyd and Dylan! Ho-hum, what a coincidence! Olivia continues to display her Mother-of-the-Year skills by sending the kids back to the car by themselves, then listens as Lloyd makes another impassioned plea for her to come home with him and help him figure out that formula/totally bone.

More Bryce and Nicole. She’s sad she’s losing him (WHY??? Find that hot Asian guy from the premiere!) and he’s sad that she’s sad and says he’s meant to be with Keiko. Hasn’t the poor girl been through enough?

We’re SO close to never having to watch them again!

Over at LAX, the writers have kind of written themselves into a corner, so now Keiko’s mom has a completely random change of heart and tells Keiko to go find the man. Oh, and then she totally clocks the immigration guy that’s been following them and makes a huge scene in the airport, which I’m pretty sure is grounds for immediate execution these days. Good for her I guess? If only this wasn’t 100% out of character, and if only the end goal here wasn’t the most boring love story ever written, I guess this would be more romantic.

I think she might be reading Bryce’s lines on accident.

FBI Director has arrived at the FBI where the bomb squad has completely surrounded the building. He tells Mark to stay in the car (good thing Mark always does EXACTLY as he’s told) and then hands him a phone because, oh yeah, we just remembered that he’s friends with that other character in Afghanistan. Or something. But anyways. Alcoholic reunion! Also, Alcoholic Reunion would be a sick band name. Also, Devil’s Heartbeat.

They recap everything we’ve already seen to each other, and talk about choices and free will and stuff. BUT THEN MARK HANGS UP AND JUMPS OUT OF THE CAR! He goes over to Hellinger and says he’s not talking to him anymore (odd), then heads toward the building. Hellinger nods to the bomb squad! LOOK OUT MARK!!

Olivia has given in and returned home, and Chalie and Dylan are already taking about it being his house too and other flashforward-related items. Olivia and Lloyd joke awkwardly about waiting for his break-through. So THAT’s what they’re calling it these days. Hey-oh!

Awesome spy music plays as Demetri and Simon make their way to some computer-y room, and there’s some interaction with a closing door that ultimately results in more arguments about trust and Simon giving Demetri the ring. How sweet! It doesn’t match his outfit, but it’s totally the thought that counts. But careful Simon, Demetri tends to be a little unfaithful.

Vogel makes a cameo at the FBI as everyone is evacuating (why are so many people there at work at 10 at night? Discuss.) and Mark tells him to go protect Lloyd. Banter about Mark dying and flashforwards and so forth. THE ACTION IS RISING.

Back again to Casa Binford. Dylan is going crazy and writing that equation on Olivia’s mirror. While he and Charlie go get cookies (mmm), Lloyd explains that the equation on the mirror solves for the tachian (sp) constant, the greatest mystery in quantum physics. I had always thought the greatest mystery was “what the hell do you do with a degree in quantum physics?” but I guess that’s not it.

I’m just gonna say it. Why does Charlie look so fat throughout this whole scene?

Those fake bomb squad guys kill some real bomb squad guys and follow Mark. Hurry, Binford!

At the hospital, Janis meets the doctor that she remembers from her flashforward. She orders an ultrasound.

FBI Director finds out Mark ran off. Gee, maybe you shouldn’t have, I don’t know, BAILED HIM OUT OF PRISON? He and Reede head to go get him. I fear this will NOT end well for Reede.

Olivia says she’s certain that the answers they need will come at 10, because that’s what is supposed to happen like how even though she fought and resisted Lloyd, he still happened. I guess if you call seeing every day and refusing to abandon “resisting.” Frankly, she did more than he did to make this happen.

Reede and FBI Director hear gunshots in the stairwell. Mark reaches the Mosaic Board! HE STARES AT IT!!

Cut. To. Fucking. Bryce. He’s trying to get into the sushi restaurant but jerk waiter says it’s a private party, except then this other girl knows she’s Keiko’s man and lets him in. Oh, this is riveting. I’m SO glad we cut away from Mark and gunplay to watch this.

Nicole is driving and crying, then crashes into a pond. Oh, no. Someone (yawn) save her.

Oh, yeah, that’s uh…that’s something. That’s really too bad. Huh. So what are the other characters doing?

Somewhere random and urban, a bunch of people are partying and counting down to 10. Seriously, how lame would you feel if in your flashforward, you were at a flashforward party?

Inside NLAP, Demetri and Simon are drinking some beers. This is SUCH a good bromance show. Simon says he’s supposed to send Lloyd a text at ten, and Demetri gets like a million points for sarcastically commenting on Simon’s use of physics humor. Oh, and we’re THIRTY SECONDS FROM 10!!!

The time is now. Keiko is running down the alley, Bryce is waiting at the restaurant. Nicole is drowning. Tracy is reviving.

Damn this scene for making me care about Aaron!

Janis is crying. Lloyd is text-receiving. Then he heads downstairs and makes the call to Mark. It turns out that the constant isn’t a number, it’s a wave, and when plugged into the equation and something or other and blah blah blah THERE’S GOING TO BE ANOTHER BLACK-OUT WITHIN THE NEXT TWO DAYS. LOL second season attempt.

Keiko meets Bryce. Nicole is actually being SAVED by some guy from the water. Huh. Well that seems lazy.

Janis is told that her baby is fine, but actually it’s a boy. She says she isn’t disappointed, which is funny because wasn’t she freaking out about having THAT EXACT baby she saw in the flashforward? Even enough to bed Demetri? It seems to me she should be disappointed.

Olivia and Lloyd do their whole balcony thing, except he has his shirt on.

More gunfighting in the FBI. FBI Director finds himself in the bathroom and goes into a stall, JUST LIKE IN THE FLASHFORWARD. Almost forgot about that one.

Mark notices that a bunch of the strings on the Mosaic Board are different, because he honestly probably had done nothing but stare at this goddamn wall for like six months. Thanks to the work of your favorite savant and mine, he now has a little puzzle to solve. After much string-following and letter-reading, he deduces the flashforward will occur April 29th at 10:14 PM. WHICH IS IN 12 MINUTES.

Those gunmen get out of the elevator and begin stalking Mark, but he grabs a gun and heads out. Badass Mark!

FlashForward: The Video Game

Simon can’t get into the files and he thinks the files have been cloned, or something. But then he uses a backdoor, or something, and gets in. Or something. As Demetri says, we have no idea what you’re talking about. Simon does it and hands Demetri a flash drive.

Vogel goes and gives his “Mark is dead” line. If I had planned ahead, I would have made some sort of checklist to make sure the show doesn’t miss any.

Crazy gunmen blow Mark’s office to Hell. But we all know he’s too smart to have been in there? Right? Right?

Nicole is being woken up by not-Bryce. SO MUCH FILLER. Yeah, yeah, she gets a new boyfriend, let’s get back to the action!!

Simon sees that someone is accessing the system remotely and activating the big scary Black-Out maker. THIS doesn’t look good! Demetri accuses Simon of foul play and aims his gun.

Back at the FBI, it turns out Mark got them with the old “hide in the airvent” trick and jumps the crazy guys, then gets all badass and runs through the office firing like a video game lead character.

Simon is yelling about the bad guys using his mind against him, which is a facet to his character I wish we had seen several episodes ago. He’s so misunderstood! He ignores Demetri and says he’s trying to shut down the machine and Demetri will need to shoot him to stop him.

FBI Director kills one of the guys. Neat.

Mark spots one of the bombs, set to activate at the same time as the next Black-Out. He uses a clever ruse involving an elevator, while secretly sneaking around behind MORE gunmen and shooting them. Man, I guess the home office advantage is pretty powerful. Next time you’re at work, think about how you would evade a posse of sinister gunmen.

Mark calls FBI Director and tells him to call Washington and warn them about the next Black-Out. FBI Director makes the call as Mark hides in a cubicle and MORE gunmen sneak up and him. Jesus Christ, haven’t we already killed like twenty of them?

So the world is warned about the Black-Out and Mark calls Olivia and warns her personally. Awwwwwww! And he calls her Livy, which I don’t think we’ve ever seen him do before.

Simon continues to be dramatic about stopping the Black-Out. THIRTY SECONDS!!! Oh, man, this is exciting. Mark is running, Simon is typing. Mark is apparently trying to reach a helicopter, but why are they flying when everyone is about to Black-Out? Isn’t he doomed to crash even if he can make it?

So the Black-Out happens again, and there’s this montage of stuff in 2015 that I might try to remember if ABC hadn’t so callously ordered me not to bother with. BUT THEN! Remember Lita and her boobs? She’s wearing one of the rings! AND SHE KIDNAPS JANIS FROM THE HOSPITAL! Oh, man, I bet Pet Shop Lady is PISSED.

Oh, and there’s the fucking kangaroo again.

We only get to see Charlie’s flashforward, and she’s telling someone that they found him. Mark? Do you mean Mark?? Goddamnit, this is going to end on a cliffhanger!

Everyone wakes up as the FBI explodes. And that’s the END?? THAT’S THE FUCKING END??? JBVDYTFVJBGVMHJGFC NI!!!!!!!

OK. Let me take a deep breath. I guess that ending was…OK. We’re to assume that Mark is presumed dead and a second season would jump several years into the future. My guess is that Olivia would be with Lloyd and then Mark would suddenly reappear? But what of Zoe? Simon? Janis and Lita? And hey, remember Alda? Where did she go?

I think a lot of things were left dropped and/or unaddressed. What do you think? How was FlashForward, overall?

Thanks to everyone for reading! I’m taking the summer off, but I should be back next fall! Perhaps with another new show to be frustratingly canceled!