FlashForward: Frost Explains It All

“It’s a little more expensive than the Smirnoff, but I guess I like it because it keeps you warmer and transports more easily. Say, kid, have you got a quarter?”Shockingly, this episode opens not two years in the past but instead on an extremely intrusive shot of Demetri, which both exposes John Cho’s need for a dermatologist and makes it appear as though Demetri is molding. Hey, where is our flashback to a time that ironically mirrors this one? How will we know what the metaphors and themes of this episode are? HOW?

Demetri is all hooked up to these wires and there are a bunch of blackboards filled with what Doc Brown might draw if he were drunk off his ass, ie hella timelines. And then it zooms in on the one that says DEMETRI DIES TODAY.

Back at the ranch, it turns out Charlie hasn’t been abducted (insert a joke if you wish, but remember you’re laughing at kidnapping. You sicko) and she’s describing Dyson Frost to FBI officials, but she’s not doing a very good job. Maybe a couple hours in a cell would jog her memory? Lock her up! See, child imprisonment, way funnier than kidnapping.

FBI Director suggests they close their eyes, which is how I handle all scenes with Charlie, also. RIMSHOT. So because she closed her eyes all her memories come magically flooding back, and now we get to see Dyson Frost, professional creepy supervillian, awkwardly chat up a little girl at a benefit carnival (Author’s Note: Man, how did I miss that last week? I need to cut back on the scotchkas. I forget that not every way I entertain myself has a two-drink minimum). But because Frosty is the epitome of the super genius, he actually just wants to talk literature with Charlie. What a multi-tasker! Either that, or he’s trying to pick her up. Can you believe this episode is three minutes old and I’ve joked about kidnapping, wrongful imprisonment, AND pedophilia? What is this show doing to me?

So ANYWAYS, Frosty says he likes Dr. Seuss and his favorite is One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Oprah he is not.

Charlie says that that book lacks the subtleties and existential explorations that characterize many of the Doctor’s other works and fails to emphasis effectively any sort of pragmatic commentary on modern life (she thinks it’s for babies) and she prefers Horton. But Dyson smiles as creepily as possible and says even adults can learn from children’s stories. Oh, man, can you even imagine how that buffoon FLOSSO would have handled this encounter? He probably would have just killed Charlie or something. SO tacky, even for a VILLAIN like himself.

Dyson gives Charlie something to deliver to Mark and heads out, because he has a combination arson/silent auction fundraiser to get to next. It’s the print of some painting and on the back are written instructions to meet him on March 15 at Union Station if he wants Demetri back. Mark tells Charlie she did great (delivering Dyson’s mail? Discussing Seuss with a supervillain? It’s a really odd choice of compliment), but before they can go FBI Director gets adorable and shares some jelly beans with her. Mark and Olivia have an awkward conversation near the elevator where Mark tries to get Charlie to a child psychologist and Olivia wants Mark to make it so that creepy men quit assaulting them at carnivals. Aw, the squabbles of married life.

Hey, remember that terrorist chick they caught in like the first episode? Well Zoe checked her day planner, saw that ‘get married’ wasn’t going to cut it because of the whole lacking-a-Demetri sitch, and decided to go put in some hours at the LAPD. She begs terrorist chick for more information, but terrorist chick wants a hearing before she spills anything to Zoe. Because, oh yeah, she’s been here for five months already. I like it when the writers acknowledge their own plot holes.

The FBI team is planning their heist, and Reede says that the painting Frost sent is Oedipus and the Sphinx. Mark pretty impressively links Oedipus to what Frost may be trying to tell them: Oedipus met his fate by trying to escape it and that may be what Demetri is also doing.

More shots of Demetri. He’s in this chair and not hooked up to wires as someone may have originally recapped. But he is in this weird motion detector chair, and anytime he tries to move, Mark’s gun, which is poised across the room, is almost fired by this machine thingy. Oh, and there’s a countdown clock with only six hours left. Oh, Dyson, you devilish rogue.

Aha, six months ago! I knew we wouldn’t stay linear, I just knew it! So Alda (terrorist chick, I guess I should use her real name now) is walking with some other sinister and vaguely British guy to meet someone else. Isn’t it sad that we had to go back six months to get even a little of her non-incarcerated life? Predictably, they’re meeting Frost, who has solidified my love for his supervillain shenanigans by having a bunch of dominoes set up. Man, Dyson Frost is just me at 13 but smarter and with more money. And a cooler name. And, well, OK, he’s way better off. Nevermind.

So unnamed guy asks if the QED is ready (!) and Frost says one is and tosses him one of the magic rings! There’s some more word play and tension and then the two start to leave. But then Alda asks about the dominoes and Frost says it’s his garden and the white ones are his escape. Hey, I use white things to escape also! Then he kicks them all over. Boo, camera cuts away.

Back in the present, Frost is talking to the captive Demetri about the timeline wall, which he calls the Garden of the Forking Paths, and basically it’s a bunch of people’s futures based on crucial choices that he has made. Wow, ego much? I guess it’s time for Frost’s life story. Back in the 80′s he engineered a bunch of flashforwards and every time things were different, so there are a bunch of paths one can take. And today on March 15 is the most important fork of all! Basically Frost thinks he’s also dying today, and I’m hoping not because he’s the most delicious antagonist we’ve ever had. But almost always it’s Demetri killing Frost. So he thinks that by conforming to what Demetri saw, maybe he’ll be safe. And maybe they’ll both be safe. Wow this is confusing.

Over at scenic Union Station, Mark is wandering with the masses while Janis watches him on monitors. ANALYSIS. I still get a kick out of her vague and seemingly random FBI assignment. There’s also a lot of close-ups of random people that I’m assuming are undercover agents, or else Mark thinks that they might rob him or something. This is Union Station.

So the clock is ticking and Mark is looking through the crowd and everything is really tense. What could be more exciting than this?

Yes, we’re back to Bryce. He and Olivia are having the most boring medical conversation ever. Wow,that was the whole scene? I’m OK with that.

Zoe got Alda her hearing by claiming she had appendicitis. Alda exchanges a sketchy glance with the window washer. And we all know how important the window washers are on this show!

Agent Reede has come down to Dr. Olivia for some reason and starts talking about the homeless guy’s murder and how important it is to find Frost, etc, etc. Dude, wrong set. EXCEPT the homeless guy had a cell phone that texted Olivia a few months ago! OMG the drinking text! Reede wants her to come look at the body.

Finally, back at Union Station. An adorable little boy with a Superman backpack approaches Mark and says he was paid $50 to hand Mark the pack. Definitely easier than what I was paid $50 to do at Union Station, if you know what I mean. Inside there are photos of Demetri and a phone, which Frost then calls. He wants to come in and help prevent a flashforward, but he’s worried that when he’s taken into custody his enemies will kill him. Because no one else can hear Frosty, Dyson makes Mark say some fake street names to distract the FBI, but also gives him a real location. Because Demetri is almost dead!

Mark runs to the men’s room and tosses his weapon and the phone, then removes a wall panel and grabs a Zoom Car access card. Hey, my $50 was made…nevermind. With Janis and other agents in hot pursuit, he runs down some corridors and into the car, then picks up a new phone and starts driving. Man, Dyson must buy cell phones in bulk.

Back at the hearing, Zoe keeps pushing the appendicitis, but the judge ain’t buying it. MOTION DENIED. And no more frivolous claims! Now, back to jail for another five months. Alda says in her flashforward they said they found Demetri’s body in Building 7, and she’s actually going to bail now so she’ll see you around. Just then the window explodes and she jumps!

Mark has apparently been driving for days because he’s now in some deserted flat land. Frost gives him a sketchy road to park on and and tells him to continue on foot. This is like the worst episode of The Amazing Race ever.

The Coroner. The homeless guy is basically impossible to ID, but according to his REALLY GROSS brain over in the corner, he was a savant. What is a savant, you may ask? Apparently, he had an incredible power for memory and was sort of a “rain man,” as they put it. Olivia says she’s never seen him.

Mark is still hoofing it through the desert. This bromance = adorable. I’m sure if Frost had Agent Reed, Mark would be having a bagel in Union Station right now. Finally, he meets Frost. And Frost draws a gun! WTF?

Back from commercial and Frost starts monologuing again, which I guess is a sad but true part of being a supervillain. He’s great, yadda yadda yadda, put these handcuffs on. Kinky, Dyson! But then Mark goes all Xena: Warrior Princess on his ass!

So he spits water in his face (but then it’s actually gasoline that Mark siphoned) and wrestles him to the ground! Go Binford!

Zoe is freaking out about Building 7. FBI Director promises that they’re doing all they can, using the most sophisticated search technology in the world. Yeah, they were really good at finding D. Gibbons! And Dyson Frost! And that other guy that turned out to be Simon!

Out in the desert, Frost screams that Charlie was already given the answers and they should know where Demetri is. But then Frosty notices that they’ve been followed! And there’s something shiny over there! And then someone sniper hits Dyson! And it was Alda! FRRRRROOOOOSSSSTTTTT!!!! Except I’m OK with it, because I’m sort of hoping now Alda will get way more badass.

So then Dyson is dead and Mark has no answers. He rifles through Frost’s bag and sees some scuba-diving pics that he remembers from his Mosaic board (remember that?) and then he’s off! And can I just say I am 100% on the edge of my seat with my favorite bromance in jeopardy like this.

The annoying countdown clock says 43 minutes left, and Mark has no idea what to do. He checks Frost’s GPA thingy in the car and finds a street with the same name as the Oedipus painter! He speeds off! I feel like everything that happens in these sorts of scenes needs an exclamation point!

Back in Beta Characterville, Agent Reede and Dr. Olivia, who gets to play FBI in this episode, have gone to the doctor whose address book was among the man’s belongings. The doctor doesn’t recognize the savant, and has no idea who stole the book. Also, what the hell are you doing here, Dr. Olivia? “I guess I’m branching out,” she replies modestly. Hear that, guys? Next time you feel like joining an FBI investigation, don’t be shy! Get on in there!

Mark speeds to some warehouse which doesn’t appear to be on a street at all and starts yelling Demetri’s name. Maybe not for the first time in his life, eh? EH? I guess I’ll leave it to the fanfiction.

Mark finally manages to call in to the Bureau and they tell him to go to Building 7, and Janis gets to be useful because the buildings are numbered from the top. Yay teamwork! He busts in and there’s Demetri! After a quick briefing, he has a plan to try and move the gun without monkeying with the timer. But they do take some time to gaze longingly at each other. If only I were joking.

But then! As usual, Dr. Seuss saves the day. Mark remembers how his favorite book was One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, and so if he pulls the wire in that order everything will be fine. So, in a pulse-pounding sequence, he pulls red wire, then blue wire, then pulls the gun away slowly as the light moves up Demetri and clears his head just as the gun fires! Jubilation! Demetri is ALIVE! Demetrark forever!

As soon as Demetri stands up, water rushes from the ceiling and washes away the Garden of Forking Paths. Rats.

Dr. Olivia is ordering coffee and some guy gives her order for her and says he sees her here all the time. Which, probably not. He’s clearly one of the savants and he starts babbling about the Ravenwood Experiments. Listen, buddy, I’m sure you’re very colorful and have an extremely intriguing backstory for the show, but I just had like five minutes of holding my breath. I can’t take anything else constructive in these last two minutes!

Whatever, this guy Gabriel knew the dead homeless guy and he says he wanted to talk to Olivia about the Experiments. THE DOMINOES ARE FALLING, he says. Freaking crazy people on this freaking show. Can we just be happy for Demetri for like two seconds?

Demetri and Zoe embrace and Mark briefs Janis on the board and also tells us about one part of the board (December 12, 2016) which says “The End.” Ooo, way to work on a season renewal!

So what’s The End? Who’s sad to see Frost on ice? And who else is going to sleep better knowing our favorite FBI duo is safe and sound for another week?