Recap: Charm School: Watch and Learn

*Note from the Editor: And now, ladies and gents, please welcome our newest Charm School aficionado, Murphy’s Law!

I’m going to start my recaps of Charm School by guessing which of these wastes of boob implants will be cut from the show. My choice this week is Brooke. My reason? While being about as charming as a crack-addicted stripper with tourettes, her ratio of irritating remarks to entertaining dumb shit faces is terribly uneven. I have even gone so far as to bet my roommate on this, the prize being either oral sex or dishwashing. Bye bye Broke. And no, I did not misspell it.

Disclaimer: I am fully aware that picking on any show on VH1 is the same thing as kicking the shit out of the kid in class who has to wear a helmet and bib to school… Maybe that’s why it’s so much fun!
This week, the remaining vapid whores get the Kevin Fraiser treatment. Kevin is a Media Coach and an Entertainment Tonight Correspondent. I suppose that title works better than “Sound Bite Collector” but hey, isn’t that the same as me referring to myself as a “Adult Beverage Engineer” instead of “Bartender”? Whatever keeps us from tying a noose, I suppose.

Kevin’s Herculean task is to help the girls conduct themselves with poise and coyness during media interviews. Not to spoil things, but I think he’d have an easier time wrestling Mo’Nique away from the kraft service table. Kevin’s Bullet Points follow:

Stay on Message: Kevin explains that it is the girls’ job to sell charm school during any interviews. Hell, that’s why people are interviewing them! Leilene is the first called forth to represent and when Kevin mocks a red carpet interview and inquires about her having been hit with a bottle, her response is “no comment”. As Kevin quickly points out, “Now nobody even cares about your new show.” Dumbass.

ALERT FROM THE FUTURE! Dateline Chatsworth, Ca. 2008: No one cares about Leilene’s new hard core adult DVD “Tiger’s Wood II: the 19th Hole” either!

Look for me in the 99 cent bin at “All Night Video!”

Don’t Take the Bait: Interviewers are looking for a teaser for their next show. Don’t give’em one that will ruin your rep as a Reality TV Star (my new favorite oxymoron, right up there with Moral Majority). Larissa is next to face the music. Kevin brings up the fact that on a radio interview she gave away the ending to Flavor of Love 2. She flat out denies it. He brings out the transcript. She says it’s incorrect. She claims it never happened and that Kevin can kiss her ass. Listen up honey. I may claim to be well endowed and have mad skills in the bedroom, but that doesn’t make it true.

Damage Control: America loves when you say you made a mistake. This is true. Becky doesn’t listen. This is also true. Kevin grills her about her drinking, to which she replies she wasn’t drunk, just inebriated. Try this approach with a cop sometime, you’ll garner a similar response.

Do Not Loose Your Cool – Kevin mentions the incident when Brooke haucks one on New York. Judging from the looks of Ms. Brooke, I’ll bet she hasn’t “spit” since the eighth grade. Her stumbling reply is a brilliant glimpse into the future of this episode. In fact, I nominate Kevin Fraiser to take the reigns of Nostradomus for the 21st Century. Why not, at this rate, the only thing future people will have to judge us by is our obsession with celebrity. Does this mean in 300 years scholars will be discussing K-Fed? Probably not. I did say celebrity.

Did he just mention me in the same paragraph as K-Fed? ‘Cause if he did…

And so, the girls trip off to a hotel to do their interviews. Interviews run by, Ms. New York! Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww yeah! It’s on biatches! Oh no you did-in’t!…and other such slang terms. Broke (sorry, I couldn’t help it) has the first interview. Her reaction can be described in one word. Terrified. Like an Altar Boy asked to stay after mass, she knows what’s coming. Please not pedophilia. New York vamps in, sits down, and lays into her. “Have you spit on anyone in the house yet?” She then goes on and gets Brooke to admit she hates Larissa. Didn’t anyone listen to the nice bald man? Anyone?

Saaphyri handles New York pretty well. Even though her interview comes across as weak. Larissa is coy and fake. New York calls her a punk bitch. Leileyne takes Kevin’s advice straight to heart and throws back a bland, boring answer, but one that Kevin would have given. No surprise that he is pleased with her. Even though it sucked. Shay tries to find herself. She sucks as well. Becky is accused of having a black accent. She compares blacks to “ghetto” and whites to “proper ladies”. New York rips her ass and Becky takes it.

Basically, everyone is fake to New York’s face and then says off camera that they’ll kick her ass. I have a theory about this behavior. I like to call it Springer Syndrome. The symptoms include rage induced “ghetto speak” and the inability to confront someone without the presence of a studio audience and security. It’s easy to talk shit when you know someone will hold you back. If any of these girls REALLY wanted to kick some ass they would have tried already. I hate giving New York props, but at least she accepts her role as craziest, madddest biatch of all time.

We’ll skip the Kevin post game report. Kinda like going on a beer run during half time.

Speaking of which…

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!INTERMISSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!INTERMISSION OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Becky – “I feel like I’m in a big ass game of Clue. Who took the picture in the purple room?” Frankly, I’m surprised they had Clue in the ghetto, much less that Becky learned how to play it. Doesn’t seem like knowing who Col. Mustard is helps out much with your street cred, but what the hell do I know? Of course, Becky is the kind of girl I would expect to be confused when she discovered that tic tac toe wasn’t part of her High School Equivalency exam. If she even took the damn thing.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Fucking VH1. During the commercial break they showed a promo for next weeks show where Brooke is at a party playing the creamy center of a sexy Oreo between two chocolate studs. WHAT THE FUCK! That means she’s on next weeks show! Shit! Whoever edits the promos should be drug out into the street and shot because now I owe my roommate oral sex (I’m sure as hell not doing the dishes). Fuck!

ACT II: The missing picture.

Leilene reminds everyone about the picture incident. Larissa goes on the defensive right away. Unfortunately, she is clad in sexy underwear, which makes it hard to believe anything coming out of her mouth. Like last week at my room in Motel 6 when the hooker claimed to have never seen my wallet on the night stand. N-Word please!

Speaking of hookers, Shay tries to blow smoke, knowing that she was in on the “gag”. Her and Larissa have a secret meeting in the ladies room, and just when you think the porno soundtrack is going to ensue, they have a talk about their feelings on the matter. Later Becky confronts Larissa with a similar late night Skinemax set up with no pay off. Just more backstabbing and bullshit. God dammit! What am I supossed to do with this hard on! And why am I counting on VH1 for hot girl on girl action when I have the internet? Anyway…

I was scared my first time too, but it’s perfectly… wait, where the hell did that music come from?

By this point we the audience know Larissa took the picture and are just waiting to find out… wait, we’ve known that for quite a while. Basic cable has no trust in our ability to form short term memories. Of course, that could be blamed on their own programming.

Oh yes, as if any of us could forget, it’s Mo’Nique’s birthday! And the girls are setting up a party for her. This should be good. They spend the day decorating and when Mo’shows up, Becky is upstairs crying. Mo’Nique rolls upstairs to see what’s wrong, and Becky tells her that she’s sad that she accused Shay of taking the picture. They Hug. Shay comes in and forgives Becky. They hug. Mo’nique talks to Shay. They don’t hug. And now it’s decision time…

Mo calls Larissa out and she eventually confesses. The other chicks are safe. Mo Mo decides it is Larissa who has to leave. Larissa paraphrases herself from earlier by telling the camera (and the non present attackers) that they can kiss her ass. Game Over baby.

See you next week, I’m off to perform some oral.