Last night was the much anticipated reunion for Flavor of Love 2, a season that brought us a wide variety of bitches, skanks, and incontinent ho’s. Back to moderate this highbrow affair was none other than MTV’s Lala, whose appropriately enough managed to make her breasts look like two giant water balloons on the verge of popping. We knew it would be hard to live up to last season’s wild reunion — nay, it would be darn near impossible — but when it comes to a bunch of loud skanks jockeying for airtime on basic cable, anything can happen…I didn’t take notes on the reunion; so some of it might be a bit hazy. As usual, I’m sure you all can fill in the gaps in the comments section. Anyway, unlike last time, we didn’t get to spend much time with each and every girl. Instead, we were subject to dumb filler pieces such as an unnecessary glimpse into the wonderful world of photo shoots (featuring many a thong) and a few recaps of the season. We also saw some sort of shabby montage of clips that I imagine were supposed to be the music video for Flav’s dumb, new single. Needless to say, I could have gone with less montages and more catfights.
Speaking of catfights, two of the first people Lala interrogated were Saaphyri (I’m not even going to double-check the spelling on that one) and H-Town, the two girls who wound up punching each other on the very first episode. At first, it seemed like the fragile H-Town was on the road to mending when she apologized for her behavior, saying that she never, ever acts that way in real life. But then she had to go and add that Saaphyri probably conducts herself like a barbarian every day. Bitch, whatchu talkin’ about? I thought we might be privy to the very first weave-pullin’ extravaganza of the hour, but sadly, Saaphyri proclaimed that she had since taken anger management classes, and thanks to her nifty new certificate, she was going to stay calm and refrain from beating this bitch — as she would have done the week prior. Now that’s what I call inspiring!
Next out on Lala’s couch was none other than… Goldie? Yes, Goldie from season one was back and rockin a dubious weave. I’ve always loved Goldie — she is a fan favorite, after all — but she had no business being back here. Every moment that she spoke was less time we had for fisticuffs, and that’s all we really want to see, is it not? Anyway, Goldie chided Crazy for thinking that New York was her friend, and then later on, Goldie gave a little shout-out to Sumthin’ for standing tall, even after she had managed to take a dump all over Flav’s staircase. Word up to diarrhea, baby!
We then sat through a montage that was the very definition of the word “undulation.” Yes, it was the famed booty-shakin’ competition, and after watching the girls make every part of their body wobble like jello, we were then treated to a live performance by Like Dat, Bootz, and Buckwild where they once again showed they were unafraid to flirt with the dangerous world of wardrobe malfunctions. And by the way, I’m just putting it out there: Buckwild for season four of Dancing with the Stars.
Finally, after fifteen minutes, the man of the hour emerged: Flavor Flav! Just like every other part of the show, what he said was frequently punctuated by incessant applause, which was the producers’ sly way of masking their excessive editing. Anyway, after watching Flavor’s awful, aforementioned music video, Lala then opened the floor up to the ladies, who were able to finally ask him all their (itching and) burning questions. Buckwild was first, and in a totally unrehearsed bit, she asked Flav why he had cursed her out when she had left the show. This led to a profanity-laden argument as they discussed the merits of her questionable ghetto accent, but ultimately, as always happens with Flav and Buckwild, this scene ended with hugs and screams of “BUCKWII-YULD!!!”
The first truly wonderful segment of the night occurred next as Crazy took to the stage to showcase her brand new song, which I believe is called “The Worst Thing You’ll Hear This Week.” Sure enough, despite talking about her fledgling musical career, Crazy proved that she had little to no talent when it came to singing, and as she warbled through her notes, all the other girls on the couches yawned, looked away, and even began to chat with each other. This also provided us with the perfect opportunity to gaze at the all the inflated mammaries on display, especially those of Nibblz, who seemed about a millimeter away from total, wonderful disaster.
Next up, it was time to talk to the winner of Flavor of Love: Deelishis. Apparently she and Flav hadn’t seen each other in four months — lest anyone spot them together and alert the world media, which would surely issue a Breaking News bulletin. Anyway, the two reunited with a big, repulsive kiss, and then they took a seat together on the couch where we could all gawk at how much larger Deelishis was than Flav. Honestly, the size difference was astounding. She looked like an Amazon next to him. She also looked incredibly uncomfortable. Despite what all her reassurances that she really loved Flav, Deelishis appeared totally ill-at-ease when she was ordered to sit closer to her new man.
After more babbling — including a character endorsement from Nibblz — we then went to commercial, and when we returned, it was time to bring out New York. Deelishis told us that she had sent her child backstage so she wouldn’t have to see what was about to go down, but that just raised one question: was her child on stage in the first place? I seem to remember the promos for this reunion featuring the spawn of Deelishis, but upon second review, any and all children had been (wisely?) edited out of the show.
Nevertheless, we watched a lovely montage of some of New York’s finest moments, including a rather savory put-down of Deelishis’ mom and her allegedly plastic hair. As you can imagine, this did not go over well with ‘lishis, who was presently scowling in the audience with the rage of a thousand bloodthirsty wombats.
Anyway, New York finally walked out on stage, vamping it up like the world’s greatest drag queen. She immediately received jeers and boos from the other girls, and Buckwild went so far as to throw a shoe at her head. Unfortunately, it missed, but that didn’t mean there were repercussions. We quickly discovered that no one shall throw shoes near LALA! Transforming from hostess to potential Flavor of Love candidate, Lala sternly told Buckwild, “Buckwild, you throw a shoe up here but you almost hit me, and I ain’t do nothin’ to you; so whatever feelings y’all got for her, y’all gotta still respect me ’cause I’ve been nothin’ but nice to y’all the whole time so y’all not going to be throwin shit up here trying to hit me in the fuckin’ head ’cause then there’s gonna be a problem!” Oooh LALA!!! (Get it?) Okay, and yes, even though I said I took no notes, I did go back and transcribe that little rant.
Well, once things were settled down on the Lala front, it was back to New York, who was enjoyable over the top in her bitchiness, but sadly, it all seemed like much more of an act this time around (not that last time wasn’t an act). Unlike the last reunion where New York seemed to be bubbling with rage and vitriol, this time, she seemed to be relishing the role of Queen Bee. Almost immediately, Bootz tried to get into it with her, saying something about being backed up in a wall and whatnot. New York then egged her on to come attack her and push her against a wall, and faster than you can say, “Jer-ry! Jer-ry!” the security guards were surely bracing for trouble. Lala, meanwhile, had a look on her face that seemed to say, “Seriously. I wanted to win a Pulitzer someday, and this is what I’m doing.”
Anyway, Bootz and New York screamed at each other loudly, and let me just clarify something: while it didn’t compare to last year, this was nothing short of awesome television. After Lala quelled Hurricane Bootz, she then asked Deelishis to say a few words. We discovered that the mustachioed woman had changed into some sort of sneakers — the better to kick ass with. She proudly noted that New York had done enough to sully her own image, saying that “There’s nothing that I have to do to bring her down. She brought herself down with her wack-ass weave, her badass fuckin’ conversation, and her wack-ass shit that didn’t keep her on the show a second time!” Well, then that was that, right? I mean, Deelishis said it herself — no need to take her down when she’d already taken herself down.
Then again, New York had said some mean things about Deelish’s mother and her allegedly plastic hair. Wrongs needed to be righted. And sure enough, Deelish rose from her chair and approached the stage, quickly finding herself blocked by big Rick. Next thing you know, Bootz and Bucky were up on stage, ready to join Deelishis in the beat-down of the century. And then came Buckwild. And then Saaphyri (word up, anger management!).
Well, then it was all out war. New York dropped her glam-azon act, angrily yelling, “NOBODY BETTER MOTHERFUCKIN TOUCH ME!!!” as the girls charged at her like wild boars. No security force could hold back these bitches, and with screams emerging from the audience, several ladies managed to charge backstage and… and… COMMERCIAL.
When we returned, we discovered that Bootz, Buckwild, Bucky, and Deelishis had been ejected, and pretty much from that point on, the reunion was a little bit of a snoozefest. New York sniffled about loving Flavor Flav, and Flavor Flav boasted about their wonderful friendship. Deelishis even returned and apologized to New York for charging her, and oddly enough, New York seemed to appreciate this mild form of respect, causing the two to exchange lovey-dovey compliments. Huh? What WAS this?
As the show neared the one hour mark, we then sat through an idiotic segment where New York’s mother lambasted Flav via a plasma television, but Flav dealt with her in a totally ingenious way: he found a magic marker (that just happened to be hanging around) and drew glasses and a mustache on the television. Hilarious! I’m sure VH1 LOVED paying for that! Later, he topped himself by pressing the mute button on the TV. Now New York’s mom couldn’t be heard! Hilarious x 2! Yay staged bits!
That was pretty much it. What did you think about the reunion show?