Recap: Charm School: SLUTACIOUS!!

Ah yes, welcome internet junkies to another fun filled vacation from good taste. As always I shall start this recap with my prediction as to who will get the mother fuckin’ boot. This week I predict Brooke (henceforth referred to as Broke) will be expelled. In related news, I predict Paris Hilton will exit jail and still be a stuck up asshole (although hopefully there will be a new video from the experience. Possible titles include the Occupation of Paris or Hanoi Hilton). Prison rape was never so Hilton-arious! I will also try to avoid selling out to corporate sponsorship… we’ll see how that works out…Welcome to Charm School!I like how the title’s of each episode have very little to do with the actual going’s on of the show. Of course, before I took the review reigns of this program, I never realized that anybody actually bothered to title them at all. I mean, seriously, can you name one episode of the Simpsons by it’s ACTUAL title? Shit. It is now time for the recap. Like a Puerto Rican trying to pronounce shoes, I will try and get through this episode.

Becky’s not going home without a fight. She realizes she dodged a bullet last time
All Hail! Mo’Nique has spoken!

Unless you can play, thou wilt be played!

Mo’Nique introduces our resident yoda for this episode, Tariq “King Flex” Nasheed. Best selling author of 3 books on the art of macking. Like trial lawyers working pro-bono, these successful, articulate guides keep showing up to help out our fabulous ghetto ladies.
(gimmie a solid beat box while you read this)…

Tariq king, sex machine,
Make the ghetto bitches holla’,
make Mo’nique wanna scream
Gonna help you figure who to choose
Find a guy who can’t fuckin’ loose
Aww yeah…
Self style yo’ ass, put ya’ ‘boobs on the glass
Aw shit, wait Brooke, put them broke ass titties back!
(record scratch)
(lemme hear you say)
Awwwww, Yeah! Awwww yeah!

Becky says she likes pimps. Shocking I figure she has to say that otherwise her actual pimp will give her another nasty ass gap. Shay thinks Tariq is cute, and as she puts it, it is always good to have someone who’s cute because you pay more attention. Shit, if only the producers of this show had had a similar thought process I wouldn’t be compelled to hit the fridge for a beer every five minutes. Tariq breaks down today’s man into four basic types (the four P’s). I’m still trying to figure out which one I am.

(1) Players – 80% charisma (charisma being Latin for bullshiting)
(2) Pro’s – 90% profit (thank god they have 10% of themselves left for this show!)
(3) Pushovers – 92% sensitive (8% guys who will pay to see Jennifer Aniston movies)
(4) Parolees 80% sexual aptitude (after the salt peter wears off, who wouldn’t be?)

The best part of this section of the show, is they keep showing clips of Flava Flave after each one. Flava has aspects of ALL of these archetypes. I love that guy!
Broke has dated her fair share of players. No doubt. I mean, come on, this girl puts the ho in ho down. She also puts the VD in… well, VD. I’m willing to bet she could suck the chrome off the Silver Surfer.

“There’s a reason I’ve chosen this planet for destruction. Blame the whore!”

Becky likes pushovers. Shay like parolees. Leilene likes pro parolees. I like successful men with six figure incomes and low standards.

Class dismissed. Now it’s time for them to mix it up at the first flavor of love prom. They have to pick the true urban renaissance man to be safe from expulsion. Shay is excited about the prom. 5 ladies vs.7 guys. Good luck on your treasure hunt you filthy pirate whores! Put a pig in a dress, it’s still a pig. Put these girls in a dress, they still have Chlamydia. They get all dolled up. Mo’Nique seems to be wearing a costume from Les Miserable. I know VH1 has a tight budget but doesn’t the girl have her own wardrobe?
I love how there’s always one girl wearing a red dress so when the DJ inevitably plays the 80′s hit “Lady in Red” by Chris DeBurg she thinks it’s for her. Of course it’s Broke.

Sizing up the men as if they were the weakest members of the Donner party.

Then they truck in the men. Like Mo’Nique spotting an ice cream truck, the girls are on it. Except for Shay, who thinks they all broke. Mo’Nique reiterates their mission one more time, find the Urban Renaissance Man.

The Damned

We’ll run down the dudes in quick order.

Joey and DaJuan are the Players.
Owen – the Pro
Tiante and Brandon – the pushovers
Sun Ra – the Parolee
Mark – The Urban Renaissance Man

Mo’nique and the judges are watching the going’s on upstairs on the monitor. They’ll be glad they stayed away I’m sure. Becky’s strategy is to talk to every single dude who is there. At least somebody’s trying to fucking win this thing. True to her word she rocks through the fellas faster than Nicole Richie through a bottle of Valtrex.

Broke is a WHORE! “This would be funner if we were naked!” Wowie wow!
Mo’Nique is none too pleased with Broke’s antics and invented a word to describe her. Slutacious! She’s the Warren G. Harding of VH1, who’d thought? This is rapidly getting radical.

Side note: Scott Baio is 45 and Single. Scared of dying alone? Newflash asshole, WE ALL DIE ALONE! This is the first inductee into the man show hall of fame for Christ sake. What is the world coming to?

Broke takes one of the players (DaJuan) into the other room for some slutty action. Mo’Nique has just about had it with her slutaciousness.

Shay thinks the parolee is a player, but knows he’s not the renaissance man.
Leilene, zeroed in on the Professional, admits to loving Dude Where’s My Car. And here we all thought she went for the films of Krzysztof Kieslowski. Don’t I feel dumb. Her other intellectual pursuit of the evening consists of a rousing match of Rock, Paper, Scissors. I’ll bet that came in handy when she was stripping at 17, huh? Becky thinks Leilene’s guy looks like a serial killer. Wouldn’t that be great if he was? I mean, is there a jury in the land that would convict him if he went on a homicidal tear right now? Hell, I’d knight the mother fucker.

Broke had a shot with the Renaissance man and blew it faster than she did her first cousin by asking him if he likes to fuck or make love. He’s boring as hell so she opts instead for the parolee, who offers to take her upstairs. She replies with “Don’t get me wrong, I love to fuck, but I need to get to know you just a little bit.” And how does one accomplish this? By taking a suck off a giant ice pineapple. Her lips are freezing as the parolee chats her battle cry, “Swallow it, swallow it, swallow it baby.”

I’m willing to bet she could get her lips around the entire top of that thing too.

Broke is soon to be gone. Plus when referring to her tits, she claims a handful is all you need. I wish I could say that about my junk, but it’s just not true.

Saaphyire gets it in her head that this means big boobs are out and she erupts into a shouting frenzy, the malice of which is directed at the parolee. He responds likewise and this is how the prom ends. No action, hurt feelings and a definite hangover in the works. Just like my own prom memories. Hell.

Then the ladies must guess the renaissance man. First of all, who the hell is the guy that Shay pins? He didn’t say one word. Leilene picks the pro. Shayleene picks a pushover.
Broke and Becky pick the other pushover (even though they didn’t hit him up for shit).

Nobody picked the Renaissance man, now they can all be kicked off. Wouldn’t that be nice? Broke claims that all the guys were lame and she just wanted to get drunk. Mo’Nique calls them downstairs for instructions. The girls must decide who applied the lesson the best and who did the worst. Broke think she did well. She is silly. Leilene also thought she did well. I have changed my vote. Leilene has to go. At least Broke hasn’t admitted to her shitty taste in movies. Seriously. Leilene is an asshole. I hate Broke like I hate gin. It tastes like shit and is very bad for you but it is still kind of fun. Leilene is kinda like O’Doul’s. What’s the fucking point?

Author’s Note: Why do they have to bleep out the word Ho’ but not Bitch?

Saaphrie and Broke both try their best to play Iago. Watching these girls work strategy is like George Bush at the UN. Plus, is Leilene really dumb or is this just an act. I mean, come on, she can’t figure out how to work FIVE votes? Plus, why the hell doesn’t everybody just vote for themselves for best.

They vote. Becky is safe. From sex with anyone!

Broke is voted the worst. She will be called to the carpet. This causes her to go off on Leilene and they shout at each other. Leilene points out that she’s a Mother of three and that Broke shouldn’t talk to her like that. Broke points out that she’s 21 and she can drink if she wants to.

Hold on. Back the fuck up. Broke is 21? Imagine that face at 25 Gents.
And Leilene is responsible for three young lives! Does this thought keep anyone else up at night, terrified of the future? At least that explains the gold digging.

And now it’s judgement day. But real quick, what the fuck is up with texting your vote on the outcome. Again, is VH1 fucking with me or am I rapidly loosing I..Q. points by watching this show. THIS SHIT IS ALREADY TAPED, RIGHT? I guess all the drug abuse has finally caught up with me. I sure hope they have cable in whatever ward I’m committed to.

Drum roll please… Gimme a break. We all know who’s going home. Pamela Anderson on crack, the one, the homely, BROKE! Shit! For once I shouldn’t have flipped! Where was this vote last week before my jaw locked up from HOURS of oral sex!
FUCK FUCK FUCK!
Bye bye Broke. I love how Mo’Nique doesn’t even try to mask her hatred for Broke.
Broke says she’s not the whore of charm school; she just likes to show her tits.
Which she does before she leaves. I’m not an alcoholic either, I just like to drink. She parts with a comment to Leilene saying she’s next. For once, I hope Broke’s right.

The last thing one of her John’s sees before declaring himself a homosexual.

Ah, yes, and in case any of you missed it, she’s not going to spit America.
We never thought you would sweetie. Never.