Welcome back Gasmii! It turns out that Jeff’s newest clients like to work the same way I do — in PJs. With a stripper. Eating tacos. So grab your puppy pajamas and check out this week’s flip.
I just don’t understand why Jenni can’t get a date.
Our drama starts at Valley Oak and there’s chaos. Animals are everywhere and Zoila is cleaning a sofa. With a sponge. Without her uniform.
Does Jeff know about this transgression?
Jeff is on the phone pandering to a client and once again explaining how he’s getting by in this crappy market. The client first called Jeff’s former business partner, Ryan, and his company, Brown Design, thinking that Ryan and Jeff were in business together. Of course, that’s not the case and Jeff wants to disguise his voice, call Brown Design, and find out what they’re saying that leads people to believe it’s Jeff’s company also.
Hallo. Zees is um, Pierre. I am liking to, how do you say, get deezinering from you?
Jenni doesn’t approve of sneaky tactics and suggests Jeff just call Ryan to find out what he’s saying. Jeff won’t do that because he’s super sneaky and doesn’t want to tip off Ryan to the potential job if it’s something Jeff wants to keep for himself. But it’s happened twice where clients thought Jeff and Ryan worked together so I bet we see a Jeff/Ryan showdown shortly.
Just for fun. Levitating dog.
Jeff also tells the client that, unlike Ryan, he doesn’t require deposits or retainers. Jenni chimes in and says that Jeff has always worked this way and doesn’t believe in giving his contractors deposits or retainers. Yeah, I don’t believe in real estate taxes but I have yet to convince the city of my newfound religion.
Jeff and Jenni are driving to see a new client and Jeff wants to show up exactly eight minutes early except that they are 45 minutes early and then Jeff wants to be as early as possible. Because there’s nothing clients like better than someone showing up at their house 45 minutes early for an 11:00 AM meeting.
It’s a potentially big job for the renovation of an entire house on Skytop. They pull up at the house and Jeff tells Jenni that today is when we close them. Jenni gets all excited and asks if they’re going to second base. Um, last time I checked, a boob squeeze wasn’t what we called closing the deal.
I’m really excited to use all of my dating metaphors. Even though they’re hopelessly stale and outdated.
Jeff says that meeting clients is like a first date. He likes to try to remain completely sober, get a good night’s sleep, and be clear and present and on. Someone is hitting “The Secret” a bit too hard. And completely sober? That’s a novel idea for a first date.
So the owners of Skytop are Brad and Seana Sherwood and he’s one of those really familiar-looking guys that you can’t place and you’re trying to figure out if he’s famous or someone you slept with once. Or maybe that’s just me. It turns out that he’s famous-ish. He’s a comedian and spent a lot of time on Whose Line Is It Anyway. So he’s a comedian and I’m all like “Be funny, bitch.” And he comes up with: “We want this room Jeff Lewis-ized.” Eh.
Dance, monkey. Dance.
Jeff thinks the house is great but a hodge podge of style which confuses him so he wanders around suggesting changes. He wants to make a statement with wallpaper in the powder rooms (which is fancy for “john”) because you can change it up every twenty four months if you get bored.
See, I’m not expecting the real estate market to turn around anytime soon so if I can come back every two years and re-wallpaper your powder rooms, that would be cool.
Jenni tells us that Jeff is now, real estate-ly speaking, dating again and is on the market and welcomes him to her world. He’s dating clients but she’s dating guys. Except she isn’t since none of it has really gone anywhere. I’m glad she realized that talking a lot about dating doesn’t really constitute dating.
And by dating, I mean coming up with witty dating/real estate metaphors.
But Jenni feels that Skytop is a potential relationship. Until Jeff makes fun of the exterior of the house – which would be what? Their daughter? Mother-in-law? Pet chihuahua? I don’t know where Jenni would go with this metaphor. Anyhow, Jeff declares the exterior fugly but Seana doesn’t think it’s that bad. Metaphor to the rescue! Jenni says it’s like a really pretty girl who let herself go. Seana squeals that Oh my God, it’s not that bad! Seana is tiny and squeaky.
We’d like to welcome you to Munchkin Land.
Jeff doesn’t go on multiple meetings with clients. He doesn’t want to go on three dates with clients who decide they don’t want to date him anymore. He wants to go on one date and for them to know that he’s someone they want to see for the long-term. Because those first dates always work out well.
Squeaky then shows off her closet porn and brags about how organized she is which brings Jeff to his knees. He’s even rethinking the gay thing. Squeaky has that affect on men. Clearly, Jeff points out, since she did it to Brad.
Seriously. If I tell you about my alphabetical, cross-referenced recipe file, you’re totally going to lose it.
Then we meet Jeff’s business partner, Ryan Brown of the evil Brown Design. Ryan is busy because he focused on his design business in anticipation of the market tanking and he says the downturn hit him less than it hit Jeff. I imagine Jeff would beg to differ. We meet his client Sonya, who looks like a Russian Heather Graham, and he brings her the most boring painting to hang in a room with the world’s ugliest wallpaper.
I want to fall asleep and throw up at the same time.
Back at Ryan Brown’s office . . . Just so you don’t confuse it with the other Ryan?? So Ryan Brown explains that the death of the spec business has changed how he and Jeff do business so they’re not working on much together. His office manager, Christiane, shows him an ‘amazing’ lamp but won’t tell him how much it cost. Deirdre, his designer, tells him that it’s $1600. But it’s a bargain because it comes with the shade. If this is going in Ryan Brown’s office, then I suggest hiring a new office manager and/or designer. One who understands that purchasing a $1600 lamp (even one with a shade) is probably not a wise idea when you’re in real estate right now.
You’re so right. That shade definitely makes it worth one month’s rent.
Back at Valley Oak and Jeff is on the phone with Squeaky. He’s bummed because they want to meet with him. Again. On Taco Tuesday. In pajamas. The best part is that Jeff very subtly questions the strangeness of conducting a meeting in nightwear. He says things like it’s out of the norm, and it’s an odd request, and it made him uncomfortable. Dude, it’s bonkers! And you’re more than welcome to say so. Just in case you were worried, Jeff would never wear pajamas out of the house but he’s going to do it because they insisted and this could be a lucrative job.
So let me get this right. You have Taco night? Every Tuesday? By yourselves? Freaky.
Jeff is barking out orders to his minions including the new requirement that all bathroom breaks must be limited to sixty seconds. He brags that not only did he pee in under a minute, but he washed his hands too. Jenni says that he didn’t wash. And Jenni knows this, how? And makes note of this, why? Just in case you think Jeff is completely heartless, he recognizes that going “number two” would take longer so he suggests not going while at Jeff’s office but waiting until you get home.
I can’t believe I was desperate enough to accept a job where my employer regulates my bowel habits.
Jenni is eager to add that “if you sprinkle while you tinkle, please be a neatie and wipe the seatie.” For some reason, this only applies to boys so if the chicks hit the seat, it’s all good. She thinks she’s awesome.
Aren’t my little quips cute?
Jeff is driving somewhere and Rachel has taken over Jenni’s front seat position. Jeff tells her that they have a plant and pot delivery scheduled for Tuesday (so that’s how he’s going to make money in this economy: drugs) and asks Rachel to write it on her to-do list. But Rachel violates Jeff Lewis Rule #23 and writes it on a Post-It. Her intention is to transfer it to her to-do list at a later time and toss the Post-It but this waste of paper concerns Jeff.
I hate Jeff. I hate Jeff. I hate Jeff. I hate Jeff.
So what have we learned, Jeff asks Rachel. (Who has apparently become a four-year old.) That Post-Its are unnecessary? No. That the best offense is a good defense. I’m confused.
Seriously. My chin and I hate you.
Jeff and Rachel are at Buena Park which, if you remember, was the complete remodel where there were a lot of unanswered questions and where we met Vlad. Jeff introduces Rachel to Chris and tells him that Rachel is single.
Way to read body language, Jeff.
Jeff and Vlad, one of the contractors and the less handsome half of Vlandrew, argue over the size of a closet in the master bedroom. Jeff wants it smaller to allow for a bigger bathroom and Vlad wants to leave it as is because it’s already framed and, frankly, I think he’s lazy. Then they debate over whether the closet should be a couple of inches smaller and Vlad argues that it’s just a couple of inches and doesn’t matter.
Trust me, dear boy, a couple of inches can make all the difference.
Jeff asks Vlad for a copy of the plans and Vlad’s answer seems a bit evasive. Even though he claps his hands like he can make them miraculously appear, I’ll bet there are no plans to be found. Or they’re not being followed. Or something not-good-in-construction-like. Jeff says that Vlad wants to be the alpha dog and run the project but when you have two chiefs . . . actually, you can’t have two chiefs. Jeff keeps hoping that someday Vlad will magically change and conform to the way Jeff works. Someday.
He just screams “alpha dog,” doesn’t he?
Jeff is heading to Skytop for Taco Tuesday. He’s nervous because what do you think when people you barely know want you to come over in your pajamas? Do they want to hire you? Are they attracted to you? Jeff mocks Jenni’s choice of PJ ensemble saying she couldn’t score in it because it isn’t sexy. Her argument is that she’s working and didn’t think that showing up with a whip and chains and a garter belt was appropriate.
There has to be a middle ground between dressing like a dominatrix and dressing like an unpopular eighth grader.
Cheers to Taco Tuesday. The four of them are eating dinner (tacos, one would presume), getting hammered and complaining about traffic – which seems to be a very California thing to do. Jeff decides to get personal and asks Squeaky whether she made her money as an actress or a photographer. Turns out that our little squeakster was a peeler. Oh, don’t know what that is? It’s a
fancy stupid word for stripper.
I think Jeff may be surprised by this revelation.
I love that Jenni’s narration turns “stripper” into “dancer” and thought it was so interesting to hear her story. Once the tequila really kicks in, Squeaky tells them she had cancer and needed to strip to pay the medical bills. Jenni is touched and Jeff wants to talk about the money. Squeaky tells him that women could make $50,000 or even $100,000 a night. Without any touching.
You could totally touch me! For only $500!
In a shocking twist, Squeaky tells Jeff and Jenni that she never dated anyone who came into the club. Except her husband. And Jeff has so much respect for him now. Because he picked up a stripper? And promised her enough cash so she wouldn’t have to work again? Tough one.
Oh my God. That’s so romantic. Excuse me but where is the nearest strip club?
Because the conversation ended up so personal, Jeff is confident that they like him and they’re going to hire him. He’s in! Except I bet he’s not.
But I’m wrong. Squeaky calls to hire Jeff because everyone is so excited and in love after their second date. Except it’s too soon to meet the parents. And I’ve officially had enough of these metaphors. Jeff is happy to have new business and figures that he can do six jobs at the same time in order to sustain his standard of living. This depends on how many employees he has though.
I’m calculating your worth right now.
Before Squeaky hangs up, she tells Jenni that she has someone to set her up with. RUN, JENNI, RUN! Jeff wants to know if he’s short but Jenni doesn’t care. She’s not picky at this point. Here’s a tip: Desperation doesn’t look good on anybody.
Ooh. Pick me! Pick me!
So the blind date has a pug and is totally metrosexual – which after you mention the pug is kind of redundant. Jenni agrees to the set up without a photo (rookie move) but Squeaky says she’ll send one. Jeff is torn about allowing the client to fix Jenni up because, on the one hand, he wants to be professional (please ignore my “I’ll let anyone touch me for $500 comment”) and on the other, he wants to put a stop to Jenni’s dating disasters. Which should totally happen with a blind date. Then they get the email from Squeaky with the picture of the Pug Owning Metro:
What is that growing out of the side of his face?
Jeff manages an “I don’t know” and “he might be worth meeting” which doesn’t bode well for Operation Stop Jenni’s Dating Disasters.
And then there’s the Brown Salsa Fiasco. Jeff, Jenni, Zoila, Jett, Ryan and Rachel are eating lunch from Baja Fresh. Yum. First, however, because production has no where else to put it, Rachel tells us that when she met Jeff, he was dating women. But she was always suspicious of his sexuality because he was well put together, well dressed and well groomed. Ryan thinks that because Rachel has known Jeff forever that she should know all of his tricks and craziness and should be prepared for the job. But she’s not. And he gives her a month.
I must cover the chin so as not to impale anyone.
But back to the BSF. Jeff asked for a lot of brown salsa but Rachel only brought home four containers, which could never be deemed sufficient for six people. Her argument that she brought four other, non-brown salsas is irrelevant. Jeff requires brown salsa. Jeff sucks up all of the brown salsa in the immediate vicinity just to prove the point. Rachel whines that she’s not a mind-reader which Jeff points out is unnecessary since he’s available for questioning.
Tube four of seven for the week.
Jeff says that if she would just apologize and admit wrong-doing, he would move on. Except he wouldn’t. He didn’t think the request for excessive brown salsa was unusual and it was a big deal. Rachel feels like she’s being set up to fail and that if Jeff expects mistakes, there are going to be mistakes.
A month? I give her a week.
Everyone is on their way to Los Olivos for a wine and cake tasting for Todd (Jeff’s brother) and Carrie’s (Jeff’s real estate agent) wedding. Jeff makes a toast that Todd and Carrie should call off this wedding too (they already called off the first one) because the third time is a charm. Ryan thinks it would be a really funny joke to play on her parents.
What a funny pair.
Um, no. Talk then turns to the wedding party and Carrie tells Jenni that one of Todd’s good friends is going to be the best man.
I think, I think, this may be the first time Jeff is hearing about this.
For the first wedding, Jeff was first choice and for the second wedding, he’s second choice? Todd says yeah, because a lot of things changed. When the wedding was called off, Todd asked Jeff to stop being friends with Carrie but Jeff didn’t feel like he could pull the listings he had with her so Todd stopped talking to Jeff for two years. Anyway, Jeff tells them he doesn’t want the responsibility and doesn’t want to worry about saying something inappropriate like he did at dad’s wedding. What I wouldn’t give to see a video of that.
And now time for a Prop 8 PSA. Ryan is there with his boyfriend Dale and he says that the wedding is bittersweet because he never thought Prop 8 would pass so they didn’t get married when they had the chance. And now back to your regularly scheduled program.
Then Jenni asks the second least favorite question of all women – right behind “why are you still single” – and asks Carrie and Todd when we can expect a Baby Lewis. But Carrie bites and says that they’re thinking it should be by the end of the year.
Todd seems excited about the prospect.
Jeff continues the downward spiral and asks about their birth control habits. Carrie explains that it’s not appropriate lunchtime conversation. Correction: It’s not appropriate anytime conversation.
The phone is ringing at Valley Oak and Zoila is too busy watching her stories to answer a call from Jeff. Even the dogs whine and know heads are going to roll. In the meantime, the crew has moved on from wine tasting to cake tasting and Jenni claims she’s doing research for her next wedding. Except that you probably need to go on a first date before you can plan a second wedding.
Ryan is at Valley Oak showing off his fancy new car. It has television screens in the back and all sorts of cool stuff. Jeff tells us that Brown Design is doing really well, with only a touch of jealousy.
Or spite. Whatever.
Jeff and Jenni are in the car and Jenni must share, again, that it’s been a long time since she’s had any action. Jeff is very concerned about the health and well-being of Jenni’s cooch and is worried that it closes up after ten months of non-use.
Yes Jeff, just like an ear piercing.
And now we know why this man no longer dates women. Jeff doesn’t think that Jenni should be turning down dates or even booty-calls. Like she has so many options. Her needs should be met. Maybe even by a few people. I would really love one episode where I didn’t have to write about Jenni’s needs, thanks.
Jeff and Jenni return to Buena Park to deal with Vlad and the master closet. It’s windy so Vlad points out that it’s good for sailing. Um, of course. So Jeff asks Vlad if he’s asking Jenni on a sail date. Then there’s an entire conversation about sailing leading to sex but as far as I recall sailing to leads to puking your guts up over the side of a boat into Long Island Sound. Not sexy.
Jeff and Jenni complain that the closet is a little too big so it has to be re-framed. Vlad explains that they need twenty-four inches for the hangers. They can move the wall but it’s going to be only a few inches. Jeff doesn’t want to say that Vlad is incompetent (Lie! He totally wants to say that!) but that Vlad needs to be trained. Then he compares training Vlad to training his dog and thinks he can have Vlad trained to sit in about two years. Because that’s how long it took the dog.
If it took this dog two years, I have very little hope for Vlad.
Jeff and Jenni tell Vlad that they need every inch they can get and that every inch counts. Vlad says they need all the inches in diameter and Jenni thinks it counts in both ways. That’s what she said.
Now you’re getting the picture.
And Jeff remarks on the non-existent sexual tension between Vlad and Jenni. Back in the car Jeff says he thinks that Vlad is a pathological liar but Jenni tells him to cut out the sexual tension jokes. Jeff is like a third grader and continues to poke at Jenni claiming something was going on between them. Jeez, with the language barrier, who knows what Vlad thought about the whole conversation.
Jeff and Jenni arrive at Skytop (not in pajamas) and meet with the architect to reconfigure the entire floor plan. He talks some design crap but that’s not important. What’s important is that the guy that Squeaky wanted to set Jenni up with has had a girlfriend for two years. Jeff laments that Jenni has had no hope for so long and then this happens.
Poor pathetic Jenni.
Brad and Squeaky tell Jenni that even though they don’t know a single, living soul on the planet to set her up with, she’s a great catch and there’s someone out there for her. Jeff thinks that the guy saw pictures of Jenni, didn’t want to date her so bad that instead of just saying he had a girlfriend, he said he was in a two year relationship and getting ready to propose. But Jeff knows that he’s growing because typically, he would blurt out that the guy saw her pic, wasn’t interested and lied, but now, he decided to keep his mouth shut.
I’m totally an awesome friend.
Jeff, Rachel and Ryan are in the car and arguing about how to get where they’re going. It appears to me that Jeff argues for sport. He asks Ryan what he’s working on and what kind of business Ryan is bringing in. Heads up, Ryan! There is no right answer. Jeff complains that he has shared his work with Ryan for almost the last ten years and Jeff is struggling and Ryan is not sharing anything. Ryan says he did, Jeff says he didn’t.
I know you are but what am I?
Jeff insists that he’s trying to get over this but he will continue to talk about it for five minutes and explain that he won’t be finished with the conversation until he feels good about it.
Holding your breath is not a wise move here.
Jeff says that maybe he should just hire someone to help him instead of working with someone like Ryan and giving away half of the profits. Ryan calls his bluff and says okay. Um, wait a minute, no. Jeff is the bigger person rising above what Ryan did to Jeff last year. Sure you are. Jeff will be fine if Ryan just tells him the truth so Ryan gives up and says that he hoarded the business because he was afraid nothing else would come in. But the apology is not sincere enough by Jeff’s standards so the conversation/argument shall continue.
What can we expect next week? Vlad is outside the circle of trust, Rachel cries and
has poor hygiene and Jenni wears a white sweatsuit thing.
See you next week, Gasmii.