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It’s a boring day at Jeff Lewis’ office. Let me tell you, Gasmii, if you have no interest in tile, you might just want to skip this recap because it’s all about tile. Wall tile, floor tile, pool tile and glass tile on shits. I kid you not. There’s a lot of chatter and not a lot of action. I’ve had it up to here with this emo crap and I think I miss Rachel.
Yeah, I said it.
It’s a sad day at Jeff Lewis’ office. Jeff is telling Jenni how it all went down with Seacrest and he’s bummed that Seacrest has shown no loyalty or felt any sense of obligation to help Jeff especially since Jeff helped him over the past decade. Oh, and he’s also trying – in a not so subtle manner – to get Jenni to wear the Team Jeff t-shirt. Like it would be so difficult.
I will support you if you support my makeup choices.
Jeff tells her that he sat back and gathered ammunition to use against Seacrest to make sure he had a number of things to go to him with. When Jeff finally confronted him, he expected some apology for something but only got “it’s just good business.” Yeah, it’s good business if you have no soul.
Jeff also explains to Jenni that it’s about her. You know, when our business slowed down and you almost lost your job <
Seacrest is at home with his daughter, Chloe, and has his hand up a girl’s skirt.
What a filthy mind.
We’re treated to a brief puppet show where we’re supposed to believe that Seacrest is not a douche.
See how I pretend to be a princess puppet named Delilah? I’m a kind and generous man.
Seacrest is having a hard time with the Jeff situation because he can’t believe that his best friend doesn’t believe him when he says he didn’t try to screw him over when all evidence points to the contrary. In fact, he just blames Jeff’s OCD. Because OCD makes you unreasonable when you find out your former best friend and business partner is co-opting your name and misleading potential clients who call said former best friend’s business thinking they’re going to reach you.
Seacrest wants things to go back to the way they were even though he’s never going to get an apology from Jeff. Wow. Seacrest is truly the bigger man here. But he’s had enough with the puppet show and wants to look for the pool guy. Which is infinitely more fun than having your hand up a girl’s skirt.
Seacrest goes outside to talk to the contractor. He and Dale have decided to move outside of LA and think that spending $100K to install a pool and new landscaping on their existing house will bring in a purchase price of $200K or $300K more when they try to sell it. In California. In this market. Great idea. When can I hire you, Seacrest, because you clearly have your finger on the pulse of real estate?
Tell me more about hardscaping.
Woo hoo! Lunch time at Jeff Lewis’ office and today’s target is . . .Trace! Trace is prepping for finals and Jeff asks if his friends have internships also. Perhaps at Brown Design? Trace has a friend that is doing some store for someone but she can’t do it and might ask Trace to do the presentation. Is that how school works these days? If you can’t do your final, you’re allowed to bring in a designated hitter?
I’m a rhinestone cowboy.
Jeff explains that we do not moonlight at Jeff Lewis’ office. But the reprimand is cut short when Trace informs Jeff that Jeff is responsible for grading Trace’s final and has the power to screw up his GPA.
Bwah hah hah!
Well now, this changes everything. Jeff was worried that Trace would quit at a moment’s notice since he wasn’t a paid intern but now he has something on him. He’s a little drunk with (more) power. At least he’s honest about it.
Jeff asks Trace when he’s going to have time to work on this other project that has nothing to do with Jeff Lewis Design. It’s the subtlety that I love. Trace assures Jeff he’ll only work on his own time. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work either since Trace is expected to think about Jeff and Jeff’s business at all hours of the day.
Don’t make me hold this against you.
Trace thinks that Jeff could hold the grade over his head to manipulate and blackmail him. Gee, you think.
Wow. Brains and a keen fashion sense. What more could you want?
Jeff and Jenni are at Buena Park to check on Vlad and the progress being made.
Sleeveless shirt? Check. Standing around doing nothing? Check.
Good. Everything is in order. So no one is doing anything at Buena Park — which seems to be typical — and Jeff makes the mistake of asking Vlad why. Vlad comes up with a handful of excuses including, but not limited to, the fact that the foreman is in Honduras, the stucco guys are in Coloradah, and someone or something that has to do with the very famous potato bug is gumming up the works. Although it sounds like he’s saying potatah backs.
You ask. I answer.
Yes, Jeff is frustrated but no, he can’t fire Vlad. He’s in too deep with him already and if he fires him, it’s going to cost the homeowners. He’s in bed with Vlad until this project is over. Jeff really needs to be more particular when selecting bedmates.
Oh, but Vlad was useful when he pulled a spider off a beam, squashed it in his bare hands and smeared the carcass on the floor with his sneaker. I actually thought Vlad might eat the thing. Vlad tells us his method is brutal, but effective.
Jeff and Jenni are back in Jeff’s office and Jenni has morphed into her alter-ego, Deb. Deb reminds me of every female gym teacher I’ve ever had — deep voice, mouth like a truck driver, love of contact sports — and I’m sure that was Jenni’s intention. Apparently, Deb shows up and makes threatening phone calls whenever Jenni can’t get the job done.
This is Deb.
So Deb calls Andrew to put the heat on Vlad and get crap done over at Buena Vista. But Deb just wants to talk about the fact that she blew out her knee at the game and is in a lot of pain. Andrew is not interested but Jeff nearly pisses himself.
Jeff. Nearly pissing himself.
Deb is one of Jeff’s favorite employees — which is probably pretty insulting if you’re one of Jeff’s actual, existing employees. Speaking of insulting, Jeff tells Deb that she earned her paycheck and can screw around for the rest of the day . . . just like Zoila. Except Zoila is standing in the doorway, with a death grip on the Fantastick, hears Jeff and isn’t pleased. I will try to capture the moment:
I heard that.
Shit. Is she standing right there?
Screws you Yeffrey.
We’re back at Jeff’s office and he’s letting Trace take over tile selection at Buena Park. Jeff is afraid that Bubblehead might make a mistake and that addition and multiplication could be overwhelming for her.
Overwhat? Overwhelming? Big word. Do not understand.
Bubblehead and Trace drive off to the tile supplier/warehouse/factory/whatever. Bubblehead loves Trace. You know, he’s like totally her bee eff eff. You know, he’s like kind of like a girlfriend. Or a girl. And I can’t believe I’m saying this — but you might want hit up your BFF for a makeover. Or at least a fashion tip or two.
OMG. I can’t believe your hair. Or your makeup. Or your shirt. Or . . .
They get to the Tile Place and Bubblehead warns Trace that shipping is going to be really expensive because the tile probably comes from France. Or Africa. Because when I think of Africa, I definitely think of tile. Trace doesn’t bother to correct her and lets her live in her own little bubble. I can’t believe someone this not-bright is entertaining enough for Jeff to keep around for his twisted enjoyment.
Then again, I think this is hysterical every time I see it.
Then we’re back at Seacrest’s house and I’m tempted to boycott him and everything relating to him. But in the interest of fairness, I will tell you about the fascinating scene involving him and his pool: Seacrest is only able to put in the pool because Jeff bought him out at Valley Oak. The same place Seacrest took all the credit for in the magazine that was the straw that broke Jeff’s camel’s back in the last episode. Seacrest still isn’t sure what he’s going to do but if he stays in the house, he has the pool, and if he sells it, he’ll make his money back because the pool is an investment. Whatever. I hope he loses his shirt.
So the contractor is digging the pool and they have to keep digging until they hit bedrock. If they don’t find bedrock, it could cost Seacrest $20K in additional concrete and engineering costs. While Seacrest, Dale and Chloe do their bedrock chant, I’m doing my NO bedrock rain dance and sticking pins in my little voodoo Seacrest doll.
Jeff and Jenni head over to Buena Vista to make sure that Vlad is still standing around and doing nothing.
Jeff tells Vlad that all of the tile is in and ready and he wants to make sure that Vlad knows where everything is going to go. Unfortunately, Vlad has never written anything down and couldn’t possibly remember.
I bet there’s a chapter called “Carry a Pen and Paper”.
Jeff walks around the house and tries to embarrass Vlad by asking him what tiles go where and buzzing when Vlad, inevitably, gets it wrong. Unfortunately, in order to embarrass someone they would actually have to give a crap and I don’t think Vlad does.
Jeff gives him a point for knowing his name and for knowing that glass tiles on sheets goes on the walls. Except, with his accent, Vlad says that “glass and shits” goes on the wall. Then he corrects himself and says that “glass ON shits” goes on the wall. Finally, Jenni steps in and translates. Jeff still gives Vlad an F. Vlad is pleased.
Yay. It’s not like F stands for fail or anything. Right?
Jeff and Jenni go to Kato’s house. Jeff has been working on Kato’s hair styling bungalow colony and now Kato wants Jeff to work on his personal residence. Jeff waxes poetic about how it’s such a compliment and how Kato has so much faith in him and completely forgets about the fact that he’s bitched and moaned about working for clients for the past seven episodes. Jeff says he’s going to focus on the positive but I’ll believe when I see it.
Jeff and Jenni are in the car having a heart to heart. Well, first, Jenni is on the phone with her agent scheduling an audition, and then Jeff calls her out for serving him a “banquet of bullshit” and THEN they have a heart to heart. Jeff thinks that Jenni is too distracted with her second career – acting. She claims that she’s not distracted at all but Jeff disagrees and proves his point by mocking Jenni and the inner monologue he thinks she has when deciding whether to audition or to work for Jeff.
I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggone it, people like me.
Jenni attributes it to Jeff’s misplaced anger over the Seacrest Incident and claims that she’s been going through this with Jeff for seven and half years and they’ll figure out how to make it work. I think that if you’ve been trying to make it as an actress for over seven years and you still need to subject yourself to the torture at Jeff Lewis’ office to make ends meet, you might not be such a great actress.
Jeff questions Jenni’s commitment which pisses off Jenni in the same way the whole thing pissed off Seacrest. Although Jeff does make a point since Jenni is working for him and clearly pursuing a second career. If this whole acting thing takes off – and I don’t for a minute think it will – Jenni will be out the door faster than Rachel was.
Bubblehead and Jeff are in Jeff’s office and he asks her to go to the storage shed, get a smock and put it on. Now, in my day, smocks were worn during art class so you didn’t get paint on your velour jacket. I assume Bubblehead is going to prepare some sort of art project but Jeff has a far better use for the thing. Punishment.
Punishwhat? Again, big word. Do not understand.
By the way, Bubblehead’s gum chewing? Does nothing to give off the appearance of an IQ in the “not an idiot” range. So it looks like Bubblehead went home with Jeff’s Visa card and a camera and that’s not allowed. Jeff has figured out that public embarrassment is the best form of punishment and he requires Bubblehead to don the smock.
Because the belt helps.
He also lets her know that she will be going to Starbucks and lots of other errands while wearing the smock. Honestly, I think she looks better this way. Bubblehead complains that Trace took Jeff’s credit card and didn’t have to wear the smock. Jeff assures her that other punishments were inflicted upon Trace. Oh yeah, I bet they were . . .
First errand? Bubblehead and Jeff have to visit Kato at the Hair Salon Bungalow Colony. Jeff – ever the professional – is quick to point out that the smock is a bit snug in the crotch area and advises Bubblehead that she is, in fact, exhibiting camel toe.
Because what makes wearing a smock to work more awesome than two gay men evaluating its cooch-flattery. Or lack thereof.
Bubblehead insists that she is not sporting camel toe and that it’s just the shape of the suit. And, by the way, if she had camel toe, she would totally know. I’m sorry but that thing is quite snug and I find it hard to believe she is unaware of two yards of fabric tucked up in there.
You might want to get that looked at.
Jeff, Jenni and Trace show up at Buena Vista and nothing is getting done. There’s also a possible water leak. So Jeff decides that “Deb” should be the one to call Andrew because Deb is more effective than Jenni. Dig. In fact, he would like to work with Deb full time. Dig two.
Yeah, I get it. You’ve made your point.
So Deb calls Andrew and asks him who she has to fuck to get Buena Vista clean. She then calls Andrew a pussy when he says that the place is really dusty. Jeff nearly drives off the road in hysterics and tells Jenni that the more she entertains him, the more job security she has.
If I look like this, you remain employed.
Jeff and Jenni are back in the office and it appears that Jenni wrote a check but forgot to put it in the register. I guess online banking hasn’t made it to the west coast yet? So Jenni needs to be punished and must wear the smock. Jenni says that she knows she put the check in the register but isn’t bothered that Jeff blames her anyway. Bring on the smock! She dresses in costumes! She dresses like a 57-year-old man! Um, what??
Please note the lack of camel toe. It can be done.
I think Jenni is genuinely psyched to go to the bank dressed like the Stay-Pufft marshmallow man. This disturbs me. What disturbs me even more is that when Jeff and Jenni get in the car, Jeff goes on and on about how fabulous Jenni is because she can do things that no one else can. Like stir iced coffee.
Jeff says that Jenni is the most loyal and devoted employee that he has but hopes she never hears him gushing about her. He’s afraid that she’ll ask for an iced-coffee-stirring bonus or a raise — which simply won’t happen. After the snoozefest that this episode is, I don’t think Jeff needs to worry about anyone hearing it.
Jeff and Jenni are back in the office and Jenni is on the phone with Vlad. He’s calling because he doesn’t have enough limestone. Jeff went off of Vlad’s measurements, ordered the limestone and now they’re short. It can take six weeks to get the stone and this screws up the whole project. Jeff is irritated for a number of reasons. First, Vlad gave him the wrong measurements.
Second, Jenni is wearing a bathing suit to the office.
Between Vlad’s measurements and Trace’s math, something has gone very wrong and Jeff is pissed. Trace and Bubblehead show up at Buena Vista first to make sure that Vlad is standing around and doing nothing.
Vlad is quick to blame Trace for incorrect math and Trace is quick to blame Vlad for measuring wrong. Bubblehead jumps in with “it’s all your fault, Vlad” and Vlad cries inside. Jeff and Jenni show up and Jeff tells Vlad that they should just order a lot of extra next time. Vlad raises a finger to Jeff and says that he didn’t tell anyone how much to order — he just gave measurements. I think Vlad is missing the point and I just want someone to whip out a calculator, do a few equations and figure out who messed up. Jeff doesn’t care anymore and sends Trace and Bubblehead to the Tile Place to get more tile.
Who let in Rabbi Wozniak?
We’re back at Seacrest’s house and he’s talking about his stupid pool and how he wants to do something really different with the pool tile.
I think you might want to do something different with that shirt/tie combo.
Jeff and Jenni are at the Hair Salon Bungalow Colony to check on the progress and Jenni has total shed envy. Patty, Kato’s assistant, has her own office. Granted, it’s a shed but Jenni doesn’t even have her own computer or desk and she’s been working for Jeff for over seven years.
Anyway, the shed is serving as Frank’s workshop right now and it’s a disaster. Jeff comments that it looks like Zoila’s closet. But if I remember correctly, Zoila had a pair of pajamas, three uniforms and a stolen comforter in her closet.
Then Frank turns on some terrible rap-ish music and the dance party starts. Jenni jumps around the room like she’s on fire and even tries to break dance. The whole thing is sort of hysterical and a little bit sad. Jeff loves it though. He doesn’t care how smart you are — if you can entertain him and make him laugh, you have job security and will never get fired.
By the way, the editing in this scene? Awe. Some.
Jeff and Jenni are in the car and Jeff calls Seacrest’s house. Dale answers and Jeff asks to speak with Chloe. Jenni tells us that she thinks Chloe and Jeff have a great connection and that Chloe is great for Jeff.
I’m not sure the opposite could be said.
It makes Jenni sad that Jeff wouldn’t be able to be close to her anymore and it truly sounds like Jeff is upset when he’s talking to her on the phone. Jeff tells Dale he’s going to come by the house later. This shouldn’t be uncomfortable at all.
Ugh. The last scene is total emo and I feel like I can’t mock because Jeff is clearly in pain. But let’s see what we can do . . Jeff and Jenni show up at Seacrest’s house when they know Seacrest won’t be there. And is it just me or does Dale look like a chubby Seacrest with a fedora and a chin vagina?
Jeff has trouble communicating his feelings but he’s trying to pin down his emotions. He WAS mad but now he’s afraid. Not afraid of running the business without Seacrest but afraid of not having the three of them — Seacrest, Dale and Chloe — in his life. Because that’s his family. Jenni thinks that Jeff is really sad.
I think he’s just really sad about your outfit choice.
I hate when these shows end on a sad pathetic note. Fortunately, next week a homeless man takes a dump in the Hair Salon Bungalow Colony and Zoila gets fresh. Unfortunately, there is still some talk about tile. But I promise to ignore it.
I like that it’s capitalized. Like it’s his title or his name.
Until next week!