This week on Flipping Out, Rachel SUCKS. So much. And I hate her. I hate her because she has no sense of humor and no sense of how to play Jeff’s games. It’s so easy, no? All week Bravo has been teasing me with clips of someone quitting and I pray to all reality television gods that it’s Rachel.
Rachel, Goddess of the Unwashed Hair and Unbrushed Teeth.
Jeff must be stoned. He asked Rachel to purchase a new wine glass to match his existing wine glasses and lines them up insisting that the new, Rachel-purchased glass is completely different than Jeff’s already-owned wine glasses. Rachel insists they’re the same and Zoila rushes to her defense saying she doesn’t see a difference.
If this is your only support, you’re in serious trouble.
Rachel chalks up any discrepancy to a design disparity but the differences among the glasses are glaring. How is he supposed to serve wine in these glasses? What would happen if someone noticed that the glasses are all different sizes? Can you even begin to imagine the embarrassment? Jeff isn’t stupid. Don’t think he doesn’t know that the glasses are completely different.
Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.
Rachel chimes in that as much as she would like to say that purchasing different sized glasses was deliberate, it really wasn’t. Now why would you love to say that? Because you hate the fact that you have a job and you earn a regular paycheck? Wise up, lady. Jeff promises not to fire her but is noting this event in her file.
This is going on your permanent record.
Jeff and Jenni are at Buena Park checking up on Vlandrew. Even though the framing isn’t finished and Jeff has paid them more than the cost of the work that was actually completed, Vlandrew asks for an additional $5,000. Mathematics ensues and Jeff accuses them of using money from this project to pay bills from prior projects.
Dude, I need money for more concert t-shirts and a rad new tattoo.
Jeff pulls his old “I’d respect you more if you just told me the truth” and asks them to come clean and just tell him that they used the money to pay their rent. Right. Because if they told him that, he wouldn’t fire them on the spot.
Are we striking the right balance of shame and contrition?
Does Andrew look like a hobbit or is it just me? Jeff asks one of the subcontractors if he’s been paid and surprise! He hasn’t been paid in two weeks and is owed about $8,000. He also needs $2,000 for additional materials. When Jeff asks Vlad to clarify, Vlad says that’s why he’s asking for more money. Except that they’re asking for $5K but clearly need at least $10K.
I am not so good with the maths.
Jeff says that Vlandrew probably paid themselves first and didn’t have any left to pay the subs. Jeff can’t trust Vlandrew to pay everyone so Jeff is going to pay everyone directly. And now it’s fun time! They’re going to make a list of what they need and everyone is going to go to the hardware store for a shopping trip. Yay.
Back in the car Jenni points out that Vlandrew, no matter what Jeff tried, was never going to tell him they used his money to pay rent. Jeff thinks he’s some sort of Columbo and says that eventually they would have cracked under pressure because he’s such a good interrogator. Jenni sounds like she’s almost flirting (ew) and says they’re lucky he doesn’t have any torture tools. Jeff hints that he might and if she ever lies to him she’ll find out.
Tell me about your tools, Jeffy.
Jeff is at a new remodel project called Cole. Chaz (because how he could he be named anything else) is a celebrity hairstylist and he’s remodeling three bungalows for some sort of hair salon colony. Two of the bungalows are going to be the salon and the third is going to be his retail store.
Well hello, Kato. It’s been awhile.
By the way, can we agree that the real estate market sucks and that Jeff had to refocus his energies on the design business and that he hates working for clients and that he can’t wait to flip houses once again? Ok, good. I’m never going to mention it again. Even though Jeff will. At least twice every episode.
Jeff is also remodeling the courtyard which, according to Kato, will double as the laundry room. Unacceptable. Jeff wants to find space inside one of the three bungalows for the washer and dryer. Having it outside? So ghetto. Totally Sanford and Son. I dare you not to hum the theme song right now. Can’t not do it, right?
Doesn’t really strike me as the washer/dryer in the backyard type . . .
Jenni and Jeff are working when Rachel arrives at Valley Oak. She runs into the house and into the bathroom but, despite having the entire house wired with cameras, Jeff and Jenni can’t figure out where she is. Come on. You can’t tell me this guy doesn’t have each of the bathrooms rigged and miked.
The minutes are ticking away (and you know they tick audibly in this house) and Jeff is freaking out as he is now convinced that Rachel is going number two (Jenni’s words, not mine) and you’re not allowed to do that at Valley Oak.
Is she shitting up my bathroom?! I won’t fire her, I just want the truth. Is she taking a dump? In. My. Bathroom?
Twenty minutes later Rachel emerges but the damage is done. You may not know this but Jeff is a stickler for punctuality. He asks her what took so long and she says she woke up late and had to look like a human being.
She claims she was putting on makeup but I don’t see any evidence. She also complains that she hates being late, woke up ten minutes before she was supposed to be at work and has never gotten dressed so fast in her life.
Now that I believe.
Jeff never thought he would hire another friend and he isn’t sure that this one is going to work out. From your lips to God’s ears, as they say.
It’s the Jeff and Zoila Show! Which I love. Jeff asks Zoila to go to the bank but she needs some time to get herself to the doctor. Apparently, both she and Casey, the dog, have infected paws. Zoila doesn’t want to “stay limping” — although she says “lumping” which is much funnier and gets a great look from Jeff — and is sort of pissed that the dog gets to go to the doctor and she doesn’t.
Yeah, but the dog is so much cuter than you.
Jeff realizes that because Zoila is now a citizen, he has lost a serious amount of control over her. It used to be that he could threaten to deport her, call immigration and she would straighten up. Now he can’t do that and has to figure out how to get his power back. He forces Zoila to compare her pain to Casey’s and finally relents and tells her she can go to the doctor. What a generous employer.
It’s the day after Rachel showed up late for work and pretended to put on her makeup in the bathroom. Jeff needs his employees at work at 9:30 so he can be on the road at a certain time. If someone is late, it throws off his rigidly-scheduled day. So Rachel, once again, is late. She claims that she hates to be late and doesn’t make a habit of it.
Even though I was late yesterday and today and that seems kind of habitual, it really isn’t.
Rachel doesn’t even have time to take off her coat and starts emailing for Jeff. She looks like death warmed over and I’m sure I can smell her dirty hair and unbrushed teeth through the screen. Jeff says she looks like she was out all night. With several different men.
I think Jeff’s description is pretty accurate. Except for the part where any man, never mind several, would want to get with this.
Jeff and Rachel jump in the car and Jeff wants to discuss Rachel’s tardiness. He rehashes every minute of the past two days — you know, in case Rachel wasn’t there — and demands a commitment from her that she’s going to be on time from now on. Rachel tells us that she was apologetic (I don’t recall that) but that for Jeff even ten minutes early would still be too late.
Not that I would know what ten minutes early looks like.
Jeff runs through his schedule which includes two imaginary appointments and reminding Jeff, at specific time intervals, in front of clients, of said imaginary appointments. When he asks her to repeat it back to him, she screws it all up. Really? Why is he surprised?
Jeff and Rachel show up at Cole. Jeff is jealous because Kato has an assistant who holds his umbrella and Rachel won’t hold his. He explains to Kato that Rachel is filling in for Jenni today but has to apologize for her hair. He tells Kato that he’s going to be appalled.
Is she still standing right behind me? Does her hair still look like that? Can you get her to move away?
Kato is as insane as Jeff and can’t decide on a wood stain for his floors. This one is too ashy, this one is too warm, this one is too cool. Even this guy might be too much for Jeff.
Just pick one, Goldilocks.
Kato cannot pick one and Jeff remarks that he just can’t win. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Kind of like working for me. Right, Rachel?
I’m just going to nod my head and “umm-mmm” you because I promise you don’t want to smell my breath right now.
It’s my favorite time of the day – lunch time at Jeff Lewis’ office. Ryan raided Inspector Gadget’s closet and stole his hat. Or is lurking around the offices of the Daily Planet waiting to scoop the next story.
Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
Jeff suggests that Rachel should be using the hat to disguise her bad hair day. Ryan then realizes that we’ll be targeting Rachel for lunch today. Oh good, because I hate not knowing who Jeff is going to make fun of. Jeff confirms that she is to be abused because she was late for the past two days. Rachel defends herself and says that she got to the office as soon as she could and then ran to the bathroom to fix her hair and makeup so she didn’t look like rat shit.
This was after the makeover?
Although I want to say Rachel doesn’t deserve the abuse from Jeff, I’m pretty sure she totally does. She knows that if she just admits she was wrong and ingratiates herself to him for a couple of days, it’ll be over with. Instead she engages in his game of emotional tag which he could play forever.
She pokes the sleeping bear and asks why browbeating her after all of this was discussed can help or fix anything? It’s not like she can jump into her little time machine and go back and fix it.
You mean go back to 1984? When your jacket and hairstyle were moderately fashionable?
Jeff subtly lets her know that her ass is on the line because in this economy people are desperate for jobs — jobs like yours, Ms. 1984 Motorcycle Jacket from Strawberry. Jeff lies and says he’s letting it go but asks Ryan what kind of start time they have over at the Daily Planet. Ryan likes a more relaxed schedule but Jeff says that because of the way he operates, he can’t have a loose schedule. And that’s when Rachel starts to cry and leaves the room. Not when Jeff mocks her hair but when he tells her that she has to show up for work on time. Oh, the injustice.
Rainy days and fixed start times always get me down.
Rachel, Jeff and Ryan are in Jeff’s office. Jeff asks Rachel to write a check to Ryan “Greedy Bloodsucking” Brown for $2500. Rachel writes it and begins to sign it. Which does not work since it’s not her checking account. Fine. Void it and start again. Rachel writes the second check and begins to sign it. Again, this does not work. Void and shred. Neither Jeff nor Ryan think Rachel is cut out for this office.
Gee? You think?
Jeff is visibly stewing. I think there’s actual smoke coming out of his ears. He asks Rachel to seal an envelope and she requests a specialized, envelope-licking, tube-sponge thing. Um, why would I need a specialized, envelope-licking, tube-sponge thing when I have you, Rachel? Because it’s cleaner. And envelope glue is gross.
Yeah, envelope glue is gross.
Jeff can’t stand having Rachel in the same room anymore and hands her food garbage to bring upstairs. Then he loses his mind. He tells Ryan that he can’t deal with Rachel not getting over the lunchtime ambush. Ryan suggests sending her home. Jeff just wants to mock and imitate her.
Instead of taking any action, I would prefer to complain. And then sit here like a zombie.
Jeff yell-whispers that Rachel should do something but Ryan defends her telling him that she just started and it’s not like she’s Jenni. Jeff yell-whispers at Ryan for yelling-yelling and says that if you’re going to talk shit about someone you have to whisper, or at worst, yell-whisper. Ryan says that it’s hard to be proactive in an office where you’re mircomanaged but Jeff disagrees. He promotes proactivity and does not micromanage.
Please note that the staple should appear at a 45 degree angle not less than 4 centimeters and not more than 6 centimeters from the paper’s edge. What were you saying?
I love Zoila a little. Jeff wants her opinion on the Ambush Rachel Lunch. She’s cooking dinner (P.S. I could so use a chef) and Jeff mock-yells at her for taking too damn long to serve him his food. Zoila mock-cries and I love her a little more.
Jeff drags Jenni to the lumber yard because he doesn’t trust that Vlad is spending the money that Jeff gives him on building materials so he has to “shlepp his ass” to the lumber yard to check up on Vlad.
Hey, Whitebread? Leave the Yiddish to the professionals.
Jenni has been released into the real world for the first time ever because she wants to know if anyone can shop there or if you need a special license.
If this guy is allowed to shop here, I’m fairly certain no special license is necessary.
Jeff then has the pleasure of double checking the price of every item ever purchased for one of his projects and noting the mark-up charged by his contractors. I’m not sure why he’s surprised. Or why he cares. I would gladly pay someone twenty bucks to purchase a $12 moving blanket (whatever that may be) so I don’t have to spend my afternoon at Yay Lumber. But then again, I’m pretty lazy.
Jeff silences his inner Jew to reveal his inner teenage gang member and lets us know that you can’t be tellin’ him the bathtub costs $500 when he knows it’s only $330.
Fo’ shizzle, mah nizzle.
Now Jeff is going to start questioning everyone because in this economy — which you may have heard Jeff mention before — people are desperate and desperate people mark-up the price on bath tubs by at least fifty percent. It’s armageddon.
After they pay, Jeff lets Vlad know that he wants to go with him and his guys to purchase the roofing material. Vlad assures him that his guys can handle it and they don’t need company — but thanks so much for the offer. But Jeff insists. He may forgive (yeah, right) but he doesn’t forget and it might be years before he pays Vlad directly again.
Here’s the church and here’s the steeple . . .
Jeff and Jenni are on their way to Skytop to visit Brad and Squeaky but he is out of Listerine spray! And mints! And gum! It’s a total mint meltdown. Jeff is terrified of ever having bad breath so he has to stop to buy some sort of minty goodness. I would just like to mention that if my Grandma Florence worked for Jeff Lewis, he would never be at a loss for at least one fuzz-covered Certs because there was always one in the bottom of her bag. Shout out G-Flo!
No mints? I’m going to punch you in the head.
He gets his mints and Jeff and Jenni blow on each other (far less interesting than you might think) to determine breath freshness. Jeff wins. They get to Skytop and nothing interesting happens. Except Jeff hasn’t been given a budget for the project yet. Which may or may not come back to haunt him.
Jeff and Jenni are at Cole to visit Kato and his floor stains – which sounds dirty but isn’t. Since Jenni is here and Rachel isn’t, shit is finally going to get done. Kato decides on a mix between two stains and Jenni calls Luiz to set it up. In between calls, she finds time to model with Kato’s new doorknobs. Jeff knows he’s a bit intense but Jenni entertains clients like a court jester so they’re a good balance.
Like a virgin. Hey!
So Jeff feeds the deer on his property. Which, if they’re anything like the deer out here, is gross. Apparently, two of the apples designated for deer consumption were pilfered by Zoila. Jeff confronted the perp and knew immediately that she was guilty because she was defensive. He says he’s going to call the police but Zoila tells him to shut up and makes fun because he cries over two apples. Love you, Z.
But my pleasure is short-lived as Jeff accuses Zoila of breaking/stealing a fourth wine glass. He had four but now he has three. Zoila doesn’t know where it is but had been looking for it forever. She has a theory — maybe somebody was drunk and broke it? Maybe it was Jeff?
Smell my finger.
First, apples and now this. Zoila is only allowed to use plastic glasses from now on. When Zoila is ready to be honest about the wine glass, Jeff is open to hearing it.
Jeff and Jenni return to Buena Park. Jeff asks Vlad if they can review some modifications and then submit them to the city. Vlad tells him that he’s already decided that he’s going to build something somewhere but Jeff tells hims that he can’t build the something somewhere until the city says okay. You see, Vlad is outside the circle of trust. The circle is here and Vlad is way over there.
Just so there’s no misunderstanding.
Jeff still thinks that Vlad should wait the three days to get city approval but he allows Vlad to do it if he’s willing to take responsibility for all the shit that is most definitely going to go wrong. Vlad is “pretty sure, one hundred percent absolutely” that he can do the work without city approval.
I am pretty sure, one hundred percent absolutely that this will not go as planned.
Everyone is lunching at Valley Oak and no one is picking on Rachel. Yet. Until Jeff decides that he needs new underwear and that his personal assistant will run this (very) personal errand. Jeff has to ask Jenni what kind of underwear he wears and Jenni has to google it to make sure she sends Rachel for the right pair. It’s underwear. How hard can this be?
Jeff threatens Rachel by suggesting she take a pair of his sweaty undershorts to the store so she doesn’t screw up. How about you read a label and write down the style number? Was that so tough? Jenni says that these are all mental challenges and it’s like training for war. Except we’re training for underwear purchasing which doesn’t seem quite as dangerous. Rachel thinks that maybe you have to bite the bullet with Jeff (maybe?) and swallow your pride because in this economy everyone needs to make a living.
Your dignity? Priceless.
Jeff and Jenni are back at Cole trying to get Kato to pick a floor stain. You would think it was a kidney or a lung. They’ve gone through like twenty stains in the past three weeks but finally, Kato picks one. And because I know you can’t live without knowing, here it is:
And they only have two bungalows to go.
It’s Friday afternoon and everyone is back at Valley Oak. Zoila is heading out for the night (hot date?) and asks Rachel when she’s going to see her next. Rachel has good news and bad news — she won’t be back on Monday. (And my prayers to the reality television gods have been answered!)
Hmm, that seems to just be a whole lot of good news to me.
Jeff is thrilled that Rachel gave notice at quarter to five on Friday. Shocker but there’s huge turnover at Jeff Lewis’ Office and no one — not even the ones that hate him and want him dead — has ever given just eleven minutes notice. Jeff feels like he was just broken up with. (And I thought we could have gone an entire episode without a dating metaphor.) Rachel says that a true break up would have been “By the way, I’m leaving. See ya,” without any explanation. I’m not sure that I see the distinction.
But they both agree that this is better for them if they have any hope of maintaining their friendship. Jeff gives Rachel his underwear as a parting gift. Because she earned it. Oh yeah, best friends forever.
Won’t you join us next week where Jeff hires a new office boy who is promptly accosted by Zoila, Jeff parks his car illegally and someone doesn’t write anything down which leads to consequences. Good morning! It’s an exciting week here at Jeff Lewis’ office. This is Tiny. How can I help you?