Flipping Out: Google Links Can Kill a Relationship

We open this fine Flipping Out Reunion with a clip of Jeff explaining his “number two rollover minutes” employee plan. You’re either disgusted and looking for another website to go to right now or you’re like me: totally fascinated about the details of this plan. Let’s do this.

Hottest murderess of the season.

It’s Spring!

Andy Cohen is bobbling his head and giving us his best gay gopher impression, as ush. Ugh. We open with a private interview with Jeff, who’s voice is cracking. He says that he doesn’t wanna be here but he does want a season 4 so he’s going through the motions. Bobble asks why he would even want a fourth season after all the drama of this year, and Jeff answers that his goal is to alienate every single person in his life and it might take another couple of seasons to officially seal the whole “die alone” deal.

What’s happening with the house? Jeff says that he doesn’t know what he’s doing yet but he’s losing more money in the time it’s taking to talk to Bobblehead than he will ever lose on the house. HAHAHAH. Bobble is the Senior VP of Production over at Bravo, which makes this fun. Berating the boss leads to big bucks, people. Take note.

Clips of Jeff kissing client butt since he’s remodeling instead of flipping lately. Showing up to the client’s house in pjs, having to move cars, arguing about money, threatening to kill himself, and finally learning that he can’t just tell people to fuck off if he wants to get something done. Not that that’s happened yet, but he’s learning. He talks about the need to keep his opinion out of it when he wants to make money. This would have been a good time to show him harping on that hair client about his pet homeless person, but that’s probably in bad taste.

Fan questions! Have you ever considered taking lithium? HAHAHAH. Fuckin fans. I love that Bravo fans are so wrong. American Idol fans should learn from this. Instead of asking Adam Hambert what his favorite color is, they should be asking things like “have you ever considered officially cutting off your penis?” or “what was your first std?” Love Bravo. Jeff says that people are of course always suggesting he medicate but he refuses.

Are you single? NO!! WOWEE! He won’t say who he’s dating and is proud that the guy refuses to have anything to do with the show. He adds that he wouldn’t have any interest in someone who would be willing to be on the show. Ouch. He’s already slamming Ryan and he won’t be out for forty minutes or so. Bobble whips out a Barbara Wawa question: “Are you kind to him?” LOL. Jeff gets pissed and says that of course he is and he’s sick of everyone saying Jenni’s this long suffering abused assistant. Would she still be around if she was being abused? How did being kind to his lover turn into a discussion about Jenni? Bobble, in typical Bobble form, doesn’t notice and moves on. He does add something, though. This face.

Audience question. Why is there a sacrificial lamb at every staff meal? Montage of Jeff berating his employees for fun. Jeff says that he likes to tease them and he picks someone new every day so no one feels left out and they all enjoy watching each other getting abused. HA.

Question: Were you more human this season? Yes, because he felt screwed over by Ryan and it made him vulnerable. He hasn’t seen Ryan since he left Chloe’s bday party. Blah blah who cares? I wanna know how much he’s injecting into his face to make it look like this:

Question: Why won’t Jeff let his employees go to the restroom in his house? Then my video skips to another scene!! WTF?!? Was this the poop rollover minutes speech? Cuz I will be seriously pissed if I missed that. AAAAAARRRRRRGHGHGHGH. Someone please recap this section in the comments so I will know what went down. Love.

My video cuts to Jeff in the car with Jenni. He’s driving in front of her apartment as a warning that he knows where she lives and can show up at any given moment. Clip of the Feng Shui chick telling Jeff he needs to respect Jenni. LOL. I thought he was gonna break that flake in two.

Bobble intros Jenni as Jeff’s “long suffering assistant.” Audience question: How do you keep your self esteem while working for Jeff? Answer: I have two therapists. Jeff says that she’s in therapy cuz she was dicked over by her husband, and Bobble says that was his fault too. HA. Bobblehead wants to get his gopher teeth knocked out so insurance will pay for a new set. Jeff is beside himself that anyone could even think that let alone say it, but Jenni tells him to calm down before he bursts a pocket of Bubonic Plague and kills the city.

Question: Did Jeff apologize to Jenni for bad mouthing her to the new girl? He says that they worked it out and he’s not going to keep apologizing. He does though, looking at the ceiling and spitting it out as quickly and insincerely as possible. Then he says he wants an apology from her because when she does something wrong she won’t just admit it. She gets pissed off but says she’s sorry anyway. He calls her insincere. Aw, friendship is like a beautiful flower. I’m bored. Bring out Ryan.

Bobble says that Jeff made some low blows about Jenni’s husband and he says that it was his fault and he’s sorry but don’t expect him to say sorry any more today. Thank you. It’s unflattering.

Question: Will they get married? Oh hell no!! But Jeff says that Jenni replaced Ryan as his best friend. She’s thrilled. And horrified.

Question: Will Jeff hire ugly people? No. Three are plenty of pretty people who need work so why should they be overlooked for someone ugly? HAHAHAHAHAH

Clip of Jenni’s Deb character making Jeff’s tough calls for him and bitching dykily about her knee. HA. I love Deb. Jeff refuses to give Deb health insurance but he won’t f with her. Deb also hates Jenni cuz she’s a pussy. Bobble asks why Deb didn’t show up til late in the series, and Jeff says it’s cuz she gets a lot done and he doesn’t want to take away the fear factor she’s got with the contractors.

Clip of Jeff telling Zoila that he’s only getting her emergency health insurance and if she gets in trouble that the insurance doesn’t cover he’ll just get a younger healthier maid. She answers unintelligibly, but Jenni understands every word of it, making her bilingual. I love me some Zoila. She shows off her new uniform but says she’s put in a request for something more sexy.

Bwahahahahah

I don’t think Bobble likes it.

He asks why she even has to wear the uniform at all, and Jeff says it’s because he likes her to match the decor. Ha. Bobble asks Zoila if she intentionally poisoned Jeff with the bad bacon. She says she “don’t wanna keel him cuz maybe I lose my job.” HAHAHAH. She just wanted him to shut up. Her husband went missing and Jeff says that they need to dig up her backyard. SO WRONG. She says that they play board games in their spare time and Jeff is addicted to Twister. Jenni says his favorite game is to put on a Halloween mask and scare Zoila. HAHA.

Roomba clips. Zoila calls Roomba “big bitch.” LOL. A painting of Zoila was auctioned off last season for ten grand, and the painting of Jeff will be auctioned off and the proceeds will go to some animal shelter so he can get to heaven. Good luck with that. The only person I know who’s gonna be let into that place is my Meemaw. Hope you’re good at Zahtzee.

When we come back from break, Bobble is alone with Jeff and Ryan. Dundunduuuuuun. Bobble rehashes the blowup and we get clips of this weird non fight they have going on. Jeff’s mad that Ryan is taking his business by starting a website using his name to get said stolen business. Oh shit! I forgot about that part. Never mind what I said about non fight. Clip of Ryan insisting that he never did anything wrong and telling Jeff they shouldn’t be friends if he doesn’t believe him.

Bobble gets all soft voiced and earnest, asking how they felt when they saw the fight on TV. Ryan says that he didn’t know the severity of the accusations and how hard Jeff was trying to catch him doing something wrong until he saw it on TV. He says that their relationship is based on trust and it’s hard for him to see how much Jeff doesn’t trust him. He’s also mad that Jeff talked about “the case against” him to everyone but him. Jeff says that they were close until Ryan pulled away, and that led him to slowly start suspecting him. Well there’s some honesty. Jeff didn’t get attention so he started coming up with reasons to go to war. The google links are the enriched uranium from Niger in this situation. I blame Cheney.

Bobble says that Jeff was in transition mode so a lot of the work that should have been coming to him went to Ryan. I think Jeff was stating his case just fine until you butted in with your lameness, Bobblehead! Shut it! Ryan gets defensive and says that work comes to him because of “my body of work” and he’s got his own history. Bobble asks him if he gets referrals from being on the show and he says yes. Ryan also gives the website he built credit for bringing Jeff business. Jeff says that he only built a smokescreen and set up a website for him under a .tv address that google doesn’t recognize. Ryan claims he didn’t know that and did his best.

Jeff gets super pissed and says that he didn’t receive business until he shut down that shit pile of a website and started his own. His clients told him that the other website routed them to Ryan’s site and they had to insist on booking Jeff. Snapple! Is this shit true? Ryan tries to defend himself but Jeff won’t let him talk. He gets a couple sentences out about always having his own business and it never being a problem until the market tanked. Jeff jumps in a claims it’s not about money, but Bobblehead says that it is about money and then reminds Jeff that he told Ryan “I made you rich.” Ryan chimes in that Jeff also lied when he said “I have shared everything with you” and Jeff, knowing that was coming, admits it and changes it to “I’ve shared a lot with you.”

Jeff goes back to the website thing and says that by routing to his site from Jeff’s is fraud, and Ryan says that Jeff is defaming him by accusing him of shit without proof. Jeff admits he has no proof, but doesn’t apologize for the defamation part. Ryan says that Jeff doesn’t let up and blows everything out of proportion. Bobble tries to calm him down by saying that Jeff just cares for him. LOL. Thanks, Bobble Jesse Raphael. Jeff says that he was hoping Ryan was going to come in and be honest about his financial circumstances and apologize for screwing him over. LOL he doesn’t give up, huh? There is no proof Ryan really did anything wrong so what the hell is this even about? Why can’t Jeff just say “I love you and Chloe should be ours so come back or I will make your life a living hell until you die.”

If this isn’t marriage, I don’t know what is.

Bobble says “I think you guys are really in different places.” Thank you, you bucktoothed “In Treatment.” He asks what their fighting is doing to Chloe and where they will go from here. Ryan says he watches the episodes and gets mad, but then he gets over it and has the urge to call Jeff to invite him over to dinner. Ryan’s crying. AW. Once he talks to Dale or his parents he gets emotional and Jeff has made no effort toward him. He thinks that once they’re out from under the microscope they can be friends again. Jeff squashes that notion and says his unfounded allegations against Ryan have nothing to do with the cameras and he’s not budging until he gets an apology.

Bobble interrupts and asks Ryan if he will apologize to Jeff, but Ryan says no because he didn’t do anything wrong. Bobble asks if Jeff can believe Ryan didn’t try to screw him over and sabotage his business. Jeff answers that his lame answers aren’t any help and he wants to know why Ryan screwed him and he wants an apology. Ryan points out that he doesn’t have proof and Jeff says that he’s not going to search for witnesses. Ryan says all he has to do is pick up the phone and talk to one of the clients he claims Ryan stole. Good point. Why doesn’t Jeff do that?

Jeff says that they can’t move past this until he gets an apology. He doesn’t let people into his life and then gets his finger in Ryan’s face and tells him to focus cuz they won’t be speaking again. Jeff helped Ryan and his family and he’s been strong and Ryan has turned him into a sobby menopausal hag. He says that he misses the old non lying Ryan with a bad haircut (haaa) and he can see in his eyes that he’s lying. Ryan rebuts that he’s sorry Jeff is hurting and he did nothing wrong and has always been there for Jeff. They were like family, but Jeff has screwed him over by defaming him on national TV and he resents Jeff for that. He wisely doen’t mention his current fauxhawk.

Bobble is like uh…..but you guys are important to each other can’t you just say sorry? Yes, Bobble, they will both just not admit anything and give each other fake ass sorries so you can feel like you did something today. Ryan’s like uh no. And Jeff’s like uh no. Jeff lists all the shady things that Ryan did and starts going off again, yelling and losing his shit. Like losing his shit really badly. Venom is spewing all over the place. He says that if Ryan is getting hate mail it’s his own damn fault. The more crazy he goes, the calmer Ryan gets until finally he just looks Jeff up and down and says that clients who want to deal with “this” will call Jeff and the rest of them will call Ryan. Ouch and teehee.

Bobble asks if it’s all worth ending the relationship. Jeff says he didn’t do anything, and Ryan says that all you have to do is watch the show to see how Jeff treats anyone close in his life. They’re pissed and the interview is over.

Well, at least Ryan didn’t pull Jeff’s weave.

When we come back from break, Jenni is back. Bobble asks for her reaction to the fight. She says she is sad for both of them and she cares for Jeff and….cries. She hopes they can repair it and they have a deep history and hopes this isn’t the end. She’s never seen him break down like that. Jeff says that he saw Ryan’s blog and knew coming in today that Ryan was going to be all about defense and if he had come in with a different approach (groveling and apologizing for stuff he might not have done.) things would have gone differently. Jeff cries and says he lost his best friend. Man this is fucking depressing. Glad I’m on duty for this.

Jeff says that he needs to move on and he’s scared but will do just that with his team. “We’re gonna turn that frown upside down, Bobble.” Bobble asks what they could possibly do to top the drama next season, and Jeff, half jokingly, says “BABY.” hahAHAHA PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get a baby!!

So that was one of the saddest reunions I’ve ever watched, but I can’t wait for next season. Will we meet Jeff’s man (if they’re even still together)? Will Jeff turkey baster Jenni? And what’s the deal? Did Ryan really screw Jeff over? After all this I still can’t tell.