Flipping Out: Ice Pop Babies

This week on the season finale of Flipping Out, we learn a little too much about alternative childbirth.

We kept you next to the fat free fudge pops and Lean Cuisines for too long. Let’s get you some chardonnay.

Previously, Chaz killed his pet homeless lady. Today we open with sad music. Jeff has decided that he’s gonna try and work things out with Ryan. He wants to see Chloe, and even though he knows he should just stay away and save everyone the pain his personality seems to inflict, that’s not what this show’s about. So he goes to pick up Ryan and Chloe for a bday party planning day.

Sad music is still playing, but Jeff has already forgotten that soft side he was trying to get us to buy for a couple of minutes and now he’s ranting to us about how he can’t forgive Ryan cuz Ryan didn’t even apologize and he better gd apologize and never do it again! He could turn the other cheek, but that cheek hasn’t been properly sanded down and lubed with placenta yet, so forget it. This cheek it is. And this cheek’s pissed.

Ryan isn’t ready to turn the other cheek yet, either, which of course means: CHEEK WAR!! Jeff said some really hurtful things and he’s not ready to forgive him. In the meantime, they will buy Chloe lots of crap. She wants a “jumpy house” for her birthday, but that would open the door to property war between her dads. They should just let her use the tank of lip saline Jeff keeps in the back yard and save themselves some money.

Jeff’s version of smiling ear to ear.

They get to the party planning place, and I have my fingers crossed that Chloe asks for an entrance on a helicopter and her own poet.

LOL

The Planning Lady pulls out a big binder of party stuff and Jeff orders as much as possible and pays for it. He runs out of things to buy, so Planning Lady offers a clown who does all sorts of magic tricks. Jeff insists said clown is in the sex offender’s registry, and tells us that he believes all clowns are members of a secret pedophile ring.

The Planning Lady is horrified that he just said that in front of Chloe, but he insists that the little girl doesn’t understand a thing he’s saying. Riiiight. She’ll be telling all her little friends the clown is trying to diddle them while she asks the maid for a glass of chardonnay and flashes the adults and screams “boobies!” Jeff has this kid in Tara Reid training camp, and it’s reason enough to lift all bans on gay people adopting. Cuz what this world could use right now? More Tara Reid.

Jeff’s House – The family sits down to lunch and talks about Jett’s new baby boy. Jeff worries that the kid is gonna be fat and he doesn’t want any fat kids around. HA. Someone else’s happiness, of course, leads him to ponder the gaping hole in his soul and he decides to get a kid before he’s too old. Dear God please let next season center around Jeff auditioning babies. Jett has named his kid Mason, and Zoila says “Like Perry Mason!” Love it. And I also love that Perry Mason’s fat. There was a line on Mad Men about that this week. “She said I look like Perry Mason.” “She was calling you fat.” LOL. Poor Mason. I hope he’s got some thick skin. The kid Mason, not Perry Mason. He’s dead, right?

Buena Park – There’s only one more week til this baby needs to be finished, so Jeff is freaking out. You can tell cuz he’s whispering about all the problems instead of shouting about them. Sarah, the client, is a perfect fit cuz she basically just follows him around saying yes to whatever he wants to do. He’s stressed, but this one’s gonna be just fine. They have a lot in common. Mostly in the face department.

When’s the deadline on your face? Round the same time? It could use some stairs maybe.

Jeff, Jenni and Ryan have lunch and talk about how big they can make Chloe’s party. Jeff wants a merry go round and a roller coaster, but Ryan says Chloe wants a monkey. Jeff won’t do that after the recent monkey killing in the news. HA. Jenni agrees to dress as a gecko, and then the margaritas start to hit their blood streams. Jeff asks if Dale is bipolar because he changes his mind on where he wants to live so much, but he doesn’t want to accuse anyone of anything without evidence. Ryan laughs evilly and jokes that he’s been accused without evidence. Sad music starts playing as Jeff tries to decide on a plan of action. Should he lose his shit all over Ryan and demand an apology? Or should he finish his margarita first? The margarita wins, but Ryan is seriously digging a really deep grave for himself right now.

Jeff is convinced that Ryan has stolen business from him but he can’t prove it yet so he just gives him dirty looks. Or clean looks. Or sexy looks. I really can’t tell. Sometimes he looks like he’s wearing a rubber mask and is about to rob a bank.

Drop the guacamole or die, mofo!

Jeff knows that if he’s gonna catch Ryan it’s gonna be soon, and he thinks that there’s a strong possibility that he’s gonna find out what Ryan did at Chloe’s bday party. Jesus paranoia! Just enjoy the jumpy house and the child molester for a day and let it go! He says that at that party when he finds out what Ryan did, he’s gonna have to cut him and his family off FOREVAH!

Strohm – Jeff goes to visit his friend Jenn, whose house he’s remodeling. She has a cute two year old who doesn’t want to take a nap. Sweet “aw Jeff is feeling paternal” music plays, and Jenni says Jeff having his own kid is a bad bad bad idea. Cut to Jeff looking at the kid sweetly while suggesting they move his crib to the garage so he can work. I vote again for Jeff to adopt, if anyone’s listening.

Aw, I want my OWN child to ruin! WAAAHHH!!!

Buena Park – The “Jeff needs to be a father like yesterday” theme continues over at Buena Park. Jeff had Jose set off spider bombs in the house but forgot to tell Sarah that was going down. So when she showed up there with her son, they ingested the poison and were barfing outside. He gets a kick out of poisoning her, but when he finds out he got the son, too, his face actually defies the botox and we see a full smile! HAHAH. He’s so wrong. I wish I had a uterus. I would send him a care package with a baby in it just to see where next season goes.

That shit was so funny it defeated the bubonic plague.

Jeff tells us about laughing at when bad things happen to people, and I totally get it. It’s how I feel when I watch VH1. Sure, humanity’s going to shit and God will probably flood the Earth and start all over again, but why not laugh in the meantime? Montage of Jeff laughing at his poisoned clients for an hour.

Jeff’s House – Sound of gum smacking. Sarah’s working today! Jeff asks her to call her sister for him and he tells Carrie he looked up a house that he passed by and found out how much they owe cuz they let their lawn go to shit and are most likely in default. Smelling blood and going in for the kill. See? Isn’t house flipping more fun than expensive remodels? Less money, but more schadenfreude, which is priceless. Carrie agrees to work on it, and she also agrees to lower the price on his own house to get rid of it.

Strohm – When Jenni and Jeff get to the house, they catch the workers sleeping in the front yard. They don’t get Jeff’s “did you have a nice nap?” sarcasm, and say that yes they had a great nap thank you. I have to give him credit for not stun gunning them and shoving them on a bus back to the Home Depot entrance in East Hollywood.

He tries to go over his plans with Sarah, but her brat has heard a male voice and is now screaming “DADDY!” from his room. She brings him out to show him that the voice is coming from Jeff and the kid looks horrified.

That’s the thing that’s under my bed at night! WAAAHHHH!

Jeff knows that the adoption process could take six years and lots of bribes, so he decides he might just buy a kid off the internet or find some sad drug addicted runaway teen and have her turkey bastered. There are like three seasons of material in this idea. Just saying.

Cole – Bungalow one is done, and it’s time to start work on number two. Jenni is impressed that Jeff is just doing what is asked of him and not letting his ego get in the way and insisting that he puts his own stamp on everything. I am impressed that he doesn’t make any Spirit jokes to Chaz. Impressed….and very disappointed. Grow when you’re not shooting, Jeff!

Can I have a glass of water?

Jeff gets a call from the appliance delivery people. They can’t make it up the hills at Buena Park so they want to leave and have him pick them up himself. He snaps “yeah I’ll just shove them in the trunk of my Mercedes.” He shouts into the phone about the workers being lazy (no argument there). He refuses to sign for the appliances until they are brought up the hill, and the boss says he can’t force the drivers to do anything. Jesus when did Americans become such pussies? The chef at my job is Moroccan, and he can make us do anything he wants because we know we’ll get a pan to the head if we ever say no. And that’s called leadership, people.

Jeff has no pans on him, so he sends Chris down with his truck to get the appliances. Sarah comes over to check them out and with a huge smile on his face, Jeff apologizes about her being spider bombed. She forgives him, and then he goes for private time with the diary cam and laughs his ass off all over again.

Jeff calls Ryan to ask how “the whole embryo thing” works. You buy the embryos, and then you pay some woman to cook a baby for you. Ryan suggests asking around to see if anyone has frozen embryos that they’ve decided not to use, and Jeff reminds him that Ryan has extra embryos lying around and he wants them. Ryan refuses to sell Chloe’s brothers and sisters and tells us that the thought of “Jeff having one of my children” is horrifying. Wouldn’t they only be his children if he actually produced the eggs in his body? This whole conversation is horrifying. Do you know how many unwanted and neglected children there are in the world? They should all be put in cardboard boxes and left on street corners like stray cats for the gays to peruse like a lost and found box. How can being the child of a gay person be more wrong than being an orphan? Well, being Jeff Lewis’ child, yes, but come on. So it’s better to freeze embryos and sell them off? The moral line here is pretty squiggly.

Until they’re born. They’re worth more when people can see how cute they are.

Ryan has about twenty frozen embryos, and when Jeff points out that he’s being selfish with his embryos when there are so many people who could use them, Ryan asks “why do they need my children on ice?” Jeff says if they were his embryos he would give them out like candy and he thinks they would make great stocking stuffers. He’s joking of course, but can embryo stuffers really be far behind in West Hollywood? You know that shit’s coming. What’s your opinion, Sarah?

Thanks for being here. You really add a lot.

Jeff’s House – Jeff admits that a kid would be an accessory, and sees no problem with having one of Chloe’s brothers or sisters. He would have Jenni or Zoila carry it. LOL Zoila. She may be a little too old, but Jenni’s ripe. He isn’t sure, though, cuz she’s lost weight and he wants her to stay thin and find a man. Another negative? The baby would come out with dead hair. Jenni just laughs at that and doesn’t mention his screaming plugs, because she’s a good person.

Carrie stops by with…an offer for Jeff’s house! Sad music plays, cuz Jeff has decided that he wants to live there and he doesn’t want to take a loss on the house. So he turns it down! This calls for martinis! Carrie doesn’t feel like sticking around. Can’t understand why! She just worked a hundred and twenty days to sell this bitch and now she’s out a commission. Jeff decides that he wants the house to start a family. Yikes and Yay.

Buena Park – Sarah is getting moved in a loves what Jeff did with the place. The inside’s badass but the outside has gone from creepy character to typical LA ultramodern douche.

Ryan’s Place – Time for the party! Jeff has hired some sous chefs to help cater while Jenni practices her rapping gecko act outside. Ryan’s decided to sell his house and move to Santa Barbara. AW!! Chloe is so depressed about it that she goes on a cupcake binge.

Jeff’s House – Jeff is trying to get out the door for the party but has to wait for Zoila, who is taking her sweet time putting “color on my mouth.” This gives Jeff time to tell us that he doesn’t even know what the point is going to this party cuz he doesn’t trust Ryan and doesn’t know if they can be friends. LOL I love how he acts like all this is his decision, as if Ryan’s dying to be his friend and never got told off and humiliated on national television. Jeff and Zoila call each other rude the whole way there, and Jeff is mortified that there’s no valet. HA. Well one thing’s for sure. Jenni’s not getting laid at this party.

She doesn’t care though. She’s just glad the kids aren’t crying and screaming at her gecko costume the way they did when she showed up to her nephew’s part dressed as an elephant. Love it. Even as babies, Los Angelinos cry at the sight of anything Republican.

Jeff is disappointed cuz she won’t meet any guys dressed like that. HA. He doesn’t know any guys with lizard fetishes. I do!

The party is a success. Well, for Chloe at least. Everyone had fun and the jumping house was a big hit. Jeff, however, was a huge disappointment. He just sulked and stared longingly at his would be family instead of digging for dirt on Ryan and making a big scene. WTF? He leaves upset. At first I think it might be because of the way Jenni just shamed all white people with the rap she did, but it turns out he left cuz “I don’t know if I’ll ever see these people again.” Come on, Negative Nancy! Of course you will! Ryan is in the market for a new house. He’ll need his guest star money. We end with Jeff trying to do a crying shot, but it doesn’t work. On the bright side, his other cheek has been sanded, lubed and remolded. It’s ready for its closeup.

Thanks for being with us this season! We’ll see you next time! In the meantime, moisturize.