Hola Gasmii! So I’m feeling really good about myself because I am superskinny as I’m just coming off a 48-hour fast. You know, the first twenty four were for Yom Kippur but I like to double up because God LOVES skinny girls. So forgive me since I’m a little light-headed. And maybe a bit drunk.
Speaking of things that make your head spin . . . who can I possible hate more? Ryan Seacrest? Or the squeaky munchkin and her neanderthal husband who own Skytop? Fortunately, I have plenty of hate to spread around so everyone’s going to get a tiny piece of Tiny Elvis’ mind this week.
There must have been a run on “ugly” and “hate” because we seem to have plenty of both.
Seacrest and Jeff are in Jeff’s office reviewing bills and arguing over who is going to pay $50 for couch storage. There’s a debate over why the thing was stored in the first place and who is responsible but Seacrest tells Jeff that they’re not going to fight over fifty bucks and Jeff is just going to pay it.
To be honest Seacrest, I don’t like your tone.
Ooh, just look at his face. He’s such a snot. Jeff says that even though his dad suggested that he talk to Seacrest immediately, and even though he has every reason to believe that Seacrest is a sneaky bastard, he wants to make sure he knows exactly what he’s doing and wants to keep his emotions in check. Jenni says that even though it seems like Jeff is getting bent over just $50, it’s really about something else. Jenni is so smart.
I don’t think you’re supposed to match the color of your makeup to your sweater.
Seacrest says that he doesn’t know why Jeff has been irritated lately and he’s been trying to get it out of him. Yeah, right. All I see is poking and needling. Needling and poking. Before Seacrest leaves, Jeff asks if he has any other bills he would like Jeff to pay — like Chloe’s college tuition.
Jeff and Jenni return to Skytop to visit Squeaky and Neanderthal. He’s complaining about some wires that are wearing a bucket as a hat and she’s wearing camo pants. There’s ugly everywhere.
Even though Jeff endured Taco Tuesday at Skytop in his pajamas, Squeaky and Neanderthal only hired him to do their outdoor lighting and sprinklers. Jeff does not appreciate this trial run and does not like being graded. Squeaky and Neanderthal complain that the ivy on their property is being trampled. Apparently, they would like the outdoor lighting to be installed via hovercraft. Even Jenni mocks their lack of intelligence and explains that the unspoken rule, the secret handshake, if you will, is “your house is going to get screwed up, dude.”
Hi, I’m Common Sense. Nice to meet you.
Squeaky would like “people of Jeff’s kind” to do the work and to be mindful and precise and operate from a place of excellence. Jeff laments that he can’t tell clients what’s on his mind. I commend him for not telling her to fuck off then and there. Jenni describes them as a bit too much like Jeff — a little too much time on their hands, a dash of passive-aggressive and a splash of sarcasm.
Has Jeff mentioned that he doesn’t like working for other people? Jeff and Jenni are in the office and Jenni calls Boney (his real estate agent) to ask about a listing. Jeff needs to get back to flipping regardless of his relationship with Seacrest so his plan is to finish up improvements at Valley Oak, sell it and use the funds to do another flip. Before he hangs up with her, Jeff asks Boney for her opinion of the current financial crisis — because brokers are a good source of unbiased information when it comes to selling your house and buying another one.
No, you’re not. Your lips are moving.
Boney thinks that the market will level off for a few years and then there will be another major financial disaster. So — of course — you should sell Valley Oak right now and buy something else right now. Jeff tells her that Jenni just hung herself.
Actually, it looks as though she’s been dead at least a week.
Jeff is preparing for an open house at Valley Oak and hired Chris to frame-in the flat screen in the master bedroom. This scene is completely boring and a waste of time except that I think I may have a crush on Chris.
Well, except for the fact that his chin looks like a vagina.
I would let him emotionally abuse me any day. Oh, and Zoila hasn’t cleaned the bracket that holds up the television so the house is on lockdown and Jeff is in crisis mode.
I told you it was serious.
Jeff and Jenni brave the insanity back at Skytop. Neanderthal thinks that with some fine tuning and tweaks, and an add here and there, the lighting is awesome. Oh, so with some fine tuning and tweaks, and an add here and there, we should be done? Got it. Good luck, Jeff. But there are bigger problems: First, Jeff’s people cut a bunch of wires that activate water pumps and second, Neanderthal likes to do shitty art projects.
Stuff the Electricians Have Left Around My Property
No, seriously. That’s what Neanderthal called it. He walked his entire two acres picking up garbage and presented it, on a tray, to Jeff and Jenni. Not satisfied with merely being passive-aggressive (although I would argue that behavior is straight-up aggressive), he throws in a bit of sarcasm and says he’s glad they left things that were even more dangerous for his dogs to choke on.
You’d resort to sarcasm too if you looked like this.
Jeff thinks that it’s totally insane that someone would take the time to pick up trash just to make a point but I’m pretty sure Jeff Lewis would totally do the same thing. Jeff is trying to decide if this relationship is right for him and if he could take on a bigger project with this couple if this is how they behave when dealing with just lights and sprinklers.
Jeff and Seacrest are in Jeff’s office and Seacrest says he’s going through a mid-life crisis and wants to move to Santa Barbara.
Whatchoo talkin’ about Willis?
Seacrest says he’s going to keep the office in LA but open another office in Santa Barbara. Jeff starts realizing that he used to get a lot of inquiries out of Santa Barbara but couldn’t handle them so he he would pass them to Seacrest. Now he’s wondering if Seacrest got so much business from those calls that he’s now able to open up a second office. What a coincidence.
Hmm . . . I’m still not entirely sure that Seacrest is trying to fuck me over. I need at least five more independent pieces of evidence.
They move the discussion upstairs to lunch and Jeff complains that he no longer has control over Seacrest since Seacrest started his own business and stole all of his clients. Jeff goes all crazy-eyed zombie and says he’s just waiting for Seacrest to slip up (I guess more than the dozen or so times he already has) and then he’ll catch him. Seacrest hopes to be in Santa Barbara by then.
I will hunt you down and kill you.
Jeff is driving to Skytop with Bubblehead who doesn’t look nearly as crazy as usual. Jeff is listening to a voicemail from Neanderthal who is complaining that he had to call in his gardeners to deal with Jeff’s problems. Jeff’s response is to call Carrie and tell her that he’s back in the flipping business. He’s on his way to talk to Squeaky and Neanderthal about sprinklers for the 96th time and he’s just going to kill himself.
Um, perhaps you didn’t hear me.
So Jeff and Bubblehead get to Skytop and Jeff is in rare form. If you watch no other minute of this show, please watch this segment. He’s just awesome. They walk in and Neanderthal hands Jeff Shitty Art Project Two.
Ten bucks this thing is already up on eBay.
Jeff doesn’t know what kind of time it would take to make an electrical wire flower sculpture from the wire scraps left behind by the electricians and doesn’t want to know. Jeff thought he was passive-aggressive but he doesn’t hold a candle to this douchebag. Jeff knows they were trying to make a point that his contractors aren’t cleaning up but he took it as a big “fuck you.”
Jeff decides that he can’t continue handling the project this way and that he’ll do the design work but not the construction. Someone else will have to be there supervising. He’s not prepared for the phone calls every time someone leaves a piece of lint on the driveway. He’s not emotionally prepared. So he’s not breaking up with them but wants to see other people.
That’s okay. We were just leaving for the Hideous Shirt Convention.
Jeff and Jenni are in the car and they realize that there was a scheduling mix up with Skytop. So Jeff calls Squeaky who is all too happy to tell him that the electrician walked in on her “afternoon delight” with Neanderthal. The best is when Jeff tells us that when Squeaky and Neanderthal have sex in the afternoon, they call it afternoon delight. He knows they were speaking in code but not really because he speaks that language. Um, doesn’t everyone know what afternoon delight is?
Jeff can’t leave it alone and thinks it’s just lovely that these two beasts have time for sex in the afternoon. When he’s working. For them. So Jeff tells them he’ll be there at 11:30 and Jenni requests that there be no morning delight. Neanderthal jokes and says that they were having the delight while they were on the phone call. Oh, please be kidding.
Yeah, because what good is a blind electrician?
Everyone is getting Valley Oak ready for the open house. Jeff tells Bubblehead that her job is to sit outside, look pretty and direct people into the house.
Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
Jeff leaves Valley Oak because he doesn’t want to get in the way of the fifty people he’s expecting. Except when Jeff calls to check in about an hour after the open house starts, only two people have been by to see it. Jeff realizes that unless he’s handing out loans, he’s not going to move the house quickly.
Needing to improve his mood, Jeff drives to Skytop and tells Squeaky and Neanderthal that they’re the clients from hell. Which makes everyone feel warm and fuzzy. He says he’s not quitting them but just creating a new relationship — one where he doesn’t project manage but merely consults. Squeaky starts demanding railing samples and Jeff jokes that he’ll tell their new designer. Squeaky’s response: Why can’t we just use your partner, Seacrest?
Please tell me you did not just mention using Seacrest.
Jeff is momentarily speechless but realizes he’s met his passive-aggressive match. If Jeff is going to break up with them, they’re going to date your best friend. By the way, did I say Hideous Shirt Convention? I meant Hideous Dress Convention.
Seriously, babe. What the hell are you wearing?
Seacrest and Jeff are in the car discussing Seacrest’s decision to move to Santa Barbara and ignoring the real reason why they’re at each other’s throats all the time. Jeff thinks it’s a stupid idea to open up a second office in this economy but Seacrest says he wants a less hectic life and he’s ready for the upswing. Seacrest thinks that Jeff has nothing better to do than be critical while his business slows down and Jeff thinks the hardest part is to not say “I told you so” when the whole thing crashes and burns. Seriously, Jeff, I love you but you’re a total pussy. Yeah, I said it.
Jeff and Jenni are in the car and she’s telling Jeff about a hammerhead shark crashing a swim race off the coast of Argentina. Jeff wants video and Jenni tells him to google “hammerhead shark swim race.” Jeff wants to know if Seacrest already sponsored the link and if Brown Design would come up. Rare form I tell you. By the way, enough with the Real Housewives of Atlanta commercials! If I have to hear that blond wig-wearing prostitute sing “tarday for the parday” one more time, I will kill myself.
Too bad she didn’t bust her vocal cords.
Jeff is driving in the rain and rain plus music tells me that Jeff is sad. Apparently, Seacrest signed an exclusive with California Homes to take photos and write an article about Valley Oak but Jeff is not mentioned in the article. It’s all Seacrest, Seacrest, Seacrest. (Just calm down, Jan Brady.) Since Jeff was the one who bought the house and decided to flip the house and was involved in the remodel as much as Seacrest but not credited at all, Jeff finally (finally!) decides this is the last straw.
Perhaps driving while reading and being thoroughly pissed off is not a good idea.
Jeff is disappointed slash angry. And remember, anger stems from hurt — a Jeffism I am going to use all the time now. Between the magazine and the deceptive website (and the eighteen other asshole things Seacrest has done), there are finally going to be repercussions, consequences and fall out. Excellent. It’s about time.
OK. So then the whole thing goes down with Jeff and Seacrest and you kind of have to see it to see what a total shit Seacrest is. First, poor Jeff is freaking out about the whole thing and isn’t sure if he’s prepared to deal with whatever he finds out from Seacrest. Which is probably why he hasn’t said anything to him until this point and which is why I might apologize for calling him a pussy. Maybe.
Second, Seacrest is so totally smug. Which seems outrageous from someone wearing a sweater that looks like this:
Jeff gets on him for the magazine article and says that if the situation was reversed, he would make sure that Seacrest was sitting next to him during the interview and giving him credit for what they did to the house together. Seacrest says they were design magazines and Seacrest did most of the design. Jeff points out that he bought most of the furniture which is probably a big part of ‘design’ but Seacrest defends himself by saying that the magazines don’t print who purchased the furniture. Um, not the point.
Urp. Excuse me.
Third, Seacrest is just nasty. When Jeff leaves the magazine article to talk about the website, Seacrest mutters, “Oh great, there’s more” and sits back as to settle in for the long haul. Who treats best friends and business partners this way?
So Jeff says he’s pissed because if someone Googles “Jeff Lewis” they’re directed to the Brown Design website and Seacrest’s phone number. Seacrest totally dances around it by saying that if someone were to call and ask for Jeff, he would give that person Jeff’s phone number but he certainly wouldn’t ask the caller if they want to deal with Jeff. That’s exactly the point! It doesn’t even matter what happens after the person calls Brown Design. It’s the fact that if you’re looking for Jeff, you get Seacrest, and I’m annoyed that Jeff didn’t call him out on it more.
By the way, do you see how the height of this glass is completely different from the height of Seacrest’s glass?
Jeff admits that he has no proof that Seacrest actually stole any clients and Seacrest adamantly denies that he ever did. Jeff then yells at Seacrest that he made him rich over the past decade and when the tables were turned, Seacrest gave him nothing except a shitty garage remodel. Seacrest says he was just being a smart business man (and a sneaky sonofabitch) and Jeff thinks Seacrest’s response is totally fucked up.
I used to love you THIS much.
Seacrest says that he’s given Jeff his answer and that Jeff can either accept it or not. Seacrest says that if Jeff doesn’t believe him, he should have nothing to do with him anymore and should cut Seacrest out of his life. Not to exhaust the dating metaphor but this is just like breaking up with someone and telling them that “you deserve better than me.” Oh Seacrest, you suck.
It’s not you, it’s me.
Seacrest keeps insisting that he has nothing to hide but I want to jump through the screen and ask him about sponsoring the “Jeff Lewis” Google searches. That alone justifies the break up. Jeff finally wishes Seacrest good luck and Seacrest leaves and tells Jeff he’s a crazy man. Seacrest tells us he’s hurt but I don’t believe him for a second. To be honest, I think he’s completely relieved.
Jeff is all blue and says that he’s scared and upset and hurt that for all he’s shared with Seacrest, he can’t believe he would go around his back to try and get more. I really want to but I can’t mock this guy right now. I think he’s really bummed. The only thing cheering ME up at this point is the possibility of Seacrest having to spend an extra $15K on his pool, Vlad screwing up everything up, and Jenni wearing a bikini to work next week.
It’s Bathing Suit Tuesday at Jeff Lewis’ office. How can I help you?
So until next week, Gasmii. And if you like what you’re reading here, check out my recaps of the new Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Season 84 or something. It premieres tonight and I’ll finish that recap as soon as I sober up.