In hopes of making some extra cash, some would resort to selling blow, or becoming a ho, but for real estate crazy Jeff Lewis, he has to submit to the title of “INDEPENDENTLY CONTRACTED REMODELER” — which, for him, is worse than being Charles Manson. And, as we learned last week, Jeff just doesn’t work well with authority, so as another public breakdown is imminent, so might the end of his days working under somebody be as well.
“Unless that somebody is George Clooney, N’AM’SAYIN’!?!?”
Back at Ryan’s office, Jeff went to bitch about the skewed logistics at the Hancock Park project, which was about as organized as diplomacy in Rwanda. Clearly, Courtney — the asshat who hired Jeff and Ryan in the first place — was flawed in that she forgot her orders were documented on national television, and came off looking like an irresponsible home owner.
She may as well have signed a contract whose interest rate isn’t fixed!
HugoStop’s Guide in How to Get Da Ladies: Real estate humor.
Anyway, after Jeff’s tirade, Ryan told him to SIMMAH DAHN NAH, because Jeff was seriously two eye twitches away from looking like Nancy fucking Grace.
“Iraq was justified.”
Then Ryan actually had the tenacity to tell Jeff that he isn’t just crazy — HE JUST DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THESE SORT OF SITUATIONS.
“And, gosh darnit, people like me.”
But Jeff didn’t stop — “She insulted me! I was hurt! Etcetera!”
Ryan told him to suck it up, but that wasn’t enough to keep Jeff around on the Hancock Project. So, naturally, he quit. That’s right, because he’s a quitter.
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sucked.”
“This is a sinking ship,” said Jeff.
That should get him the Daytime Emmy for “Stupid.”
Back at Commonwealth, Jenni was up on the laptop with Jeff and Ryan in the room, ready to type up a letter of resignation from the Hancock Park project to Courtney.
But we all know that’d be just FLAT-OUT FUCKING BORING, so Jenni, in her Daytime Emmy moment, says, “LIKE, OMG! DON’T QUIT! WHY NOT… GET FIRED!??!!“
And then this happens. And then Jeff overflows the washer with too much soap.
But alas, they were joking.
It was here that Jeff had one of those oh-shit-did-I-just-take-a-hit-of-Peyote moments, and realized he was cutting off relations with Courtney because of the abusive way she treated him.
…And realized, “OH MY GOD. THAT’S HOW I TREAT MY EMPLOYEES!!!”
Ryan and Jeff dictated the letter of resignation as Jenni typed away, and — and I’m not making this shit up — Jeff said, “End it with ‘INsincerely… Jeff.‘”
“And take her off my Top 8 NOW, K THNX.”
In a random swift of “WTF was that all about!?”, housekeeper Zoila walks by and Ryan asks her if she’s brushed up on the phrase he taught her.
And then everyone laughs because she didn’t say it right. It’s funny because she can’t speak English! GOLD, BRAVO! GOLD!!!
And then they just keep the laughs-a-rollin’!
At a remodeling project in Encino, Jeff is elated over the creative freedom he has, and doesn’t fail to bring up the atrocity that was the Hancock Park project that cornered him into insanity. Jeff says he wishes more of his clients were like the ones he has at the Encino house. He also wishes that gravitational pull was measured in “Jeffs.”
Then, in the car, Jeff and Jenni talk about dinner, and, I swear to fucking god, the 9/11 Commission Report was easier to understand than their 2 minute conversation over pizza. It was this ridiculous battle about pizza toppings, and there was a moment where Jeff called Jenni selfish for wanting to order the least popular topping of the bunch and, oh god, it was just a hot mess.
” But it was also fierce. But a hot mess. But fierce. *sigh* “
I feel insulted for having been witness to that entire conversation. FlipIt, that merits a couple beers. That moment of television was seriously worse than the entire season of Big Brother 9. HOLLA!
“FINE. ORDER THE PEPPERONI. CHENBOT.”
Back at Commonwealth, Zoila’s sweeping shit up and the dogs are fast asleep; then the phone rings. It’s Jeff’s mortgage broker. Cue the speakerphone.
A great way to start a conversation. Or a doctor’s visit.
Judy, the mortgage broker, brings him the bad news that one of his house projects has just received a …REDUCED APPRAISAL.
For Jeff, this is like being diagnosed with financial cancer. Jeff claims it’s reverse fraud on the hands of those sneaky lender assholes, and he’s going to have to budge in selling one of his projects at an appraisal he calls “insulting.”
This is seriously turning into an interpreted biography of Howard Hughes. But a much, much funnier one.
At a project called Ben Lomond, Jeff turned a backyard that was completely occupied by a big fat fucking pool (seriously, who’s the moron that designed this complete BLOCKAGE of space?) –
A lawsuit waiting to happen.
…to an ACTUAL backyard. You know, one you can actually WALK on.
The magic of Jeff Lewis
For last minute preparations before an appointment with an inspector, Jeff hires a handyman to take care of touch-ups that were forgotten about during the remodeling process.
“Okay, see that rust? I want to see my face on that rust when I come back. Got that? That’s right, my whole fucking mug, on that aged waste of space you call a ‘plumbing pipe.’ And, while you’re at it, I want you to take off those hash marks I penned with a Sharpie last week. And that tile is 2mm off. The preceding tile is 3mm off. You’re writing this down, right, Chachi?”
At the Valley Oak project, Ryan is rushing for the completion of the project because, and allow me to be frank, THESE HOUSES NEED TO BE SOLD IN THE HOLOCAUST THAT IS THIS RECESSION.
And while Ryan is all gung-ho on wrapping the house with a bow, he finds himself in Jeff’s shoes, sized Anal-retentive, when taking a stroll around all the mistakes that haven’t been taken care of.
“Jeff, is it just me, or is that tile 2mm off?”
The house needs to be completed ASAP, and Jeff sees that this isn’t just about ego — this is about having some money at the bank.
Jeff calls it “sink or swim time.” He’s annoyed at the progress, or lack thereof, at this project. Anymore time spent at this house, and it might worth just as much as Corey Feldman’s career.
Back at the Commonwealth house, Jeff invites Samantha — a “local artist” (euphemism for “UNEMPLOYED”) — to bring a piece in.
In fact, it’s housekeeper Zoila’s birthday, and on her day off, Jeff had commissioned a portrait of his beloved housekeeper to be immortalized in oil-on-canvas form. Nothing says “testament” like a Guggenheim reject painting a fairly ugly rendition of your maid.
Zoila the Broila’
After the great reveal, Zoila’s, like, “OHHH MAHHH GAHHH I LOOK SOOOO UGLLYY!!!” …RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE ARTIST WHO PAINTED IT!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZOILA!!!
Jeff called it “EDGY” and “CONTEMPORARY”!!!
…Whereas Ryan called it “…one of the most awkward things I’ve ever seen him do.”
Diff’rent Strokes TO THE WOOORRRRLLLLDDD!!!
But poor Jeff — just when he’s trying to rebuild his reputation and establish a new sense of selflessness, it backfires on him when EVERYONE in the house just COWERS at the painting. He wallows in guilt, and feels awful, and, gawsh darnit, you feel bad for the guy. A for effort, Jeff — you’re a good boss.
Later that day, Jeff’s trophy interior designer drops by to install some drapes, and his OCD really shines when his anxiety reaches galactic levels over drape colors — his condition doesn’t allow him to settle on “off white” when he requested “beige.” As comical as this can be, it’s just tormenting to watch only because you know this guy ain’t fucking around.
“No, seriously, you have to check out this Jeff Lewis guy. He’s crazy!”
T. Vo would definitely call this “Drapegate.” Check out her Celebrity Circus recaps if you haven’t already. It’s like a dessert of lolz all around. Shoutout!
Back at Valley Oak, everyone’s late and the countdown is nearing its end for the time of inspection.
Then the saging begins.
Yes. I said saging.
Sagin’ for a bruisin’
Ryan, out of fear and superstition, sages the entire house for good luck. Jeff, on the other hand, will rest on his record and laurels, and remains confident that, even though the house isn’t up to Jeff’s standards, will sell like hot shit. In a good way.
Back at Commonwealth, Jeff actually had the painting returned and touched up to remove double-chins and Botox zones. And Zoila Painting 2.0 was…
…just like the first one.
Jeff is convinced it’s good, because he likes being oblivious. Zoila doesn’t. In fact, she doesn’t even comment on it. You know, like when you have a bump under your skin, and you’re, like, “nah, it’s nothing.” It was just. Like. That.
At the Encino project, Jeff is in heaven, as are the homeowners, as he completely reconstructed the floor plan and started the process in turning it into a completely different house.
Lorie, one of the homeowners, can’t believe he’s doing an entire reconstruction “for only $200,000.” Either that’s hyperbole, or Jeff is seriously a miracle worker in this field.
The next day, Jeff is on the way to the inspection appointment, and realizes that Chris #1 isn’t there to secure the house.
Jeff is angry that he’d leave without notice, especially when Jeff has to take off; but after finding out he was at a local bank, Jeff calls Chris #1 and suppresses his anger, telling Chris #1, “Don’t worry… we just need to work together on this.”
WTF? If Jeff is in the process of self improvement and betterment, this is going to be one REALLY boring season. Nice Jeff is just no fun.
Later that day, the Ben Lomond project was signed as sold, with escrow just a signature away. It wasn’t what Jeff had expected:
You can’t always get whatcha wannnnt…
Money was lost, and, in hindsight, not selling earlier was a mistake — a $200,000 mistake. But Jeff is a master blaster, and he’ll press on. Hopefully, on George Clooney’s chest.