Tonight on Flipping Out, it’s a good thing homeless people don’t have TV cuz it gets ugly real fast.
Whoopi get going! You’re gonna be late to work!
Hi! I’m Flipit! I’m a rude but loving gay man who doesn’t know when to shut his mouth, which I thought would make me totally incompatible with this show. When Tiny Elvis, your usual FO recapper, had to drop out for a “real job” (whatever that is), I did my best to avoid finishing the season myself. That was a massive FAIL, and I will forever be grateful to the Universe.
Previously on Flipping Out, Jeff, well, he flipped out. A lot. Cuz that’s the title of the show. Also cuz, well, he’s Jeff Lewis and that’s what he does. And he does it very, very well. I have always found him engaging, but I’ve done a little work on flipped houses and it’s a tiring, endless stream of physical work, which I don’t approve of, so I never watched regularly. I don’t want to feel exerted when I watch TV. It’s why I can’t watch Biggest Loser or Extreme Home Maker. Well, that and all the fatties and poor people on those shows.
Point is? Never watched. And what a FUCKING IDIOT I have been. To prepare for this week, I watched the season so far. L. O. L. Jeff teaching his would be two year old to tell people her favorite drink is chardonnay? Bemoaning his maid’s newly won citizenship because it’s made her too confident? The assistant in Ralph Lauren short shorts and a dress shirt? It’s been one of the best television weeks in awhile at my place. So that’s enough of that. Let’s get on with it.
We open with the already happeneds. Jeff told off Ryan because he made Ryan rich and Ryan had the nerve to desert him and then offer to share a cheap ass garage remodel with him as thanks. While Jeff spews a full fledged rant ad nauseum, he signs a talking dog shadow puppet.
Ryan watches Jeff go casually, cuz he’s seen through this many times and knows that once he’s done chewing the meat off your bones it’s back to making fun of the maid and hilariously warning Jenni that she’s somehow undatable. He handles the situation like he always does. He just keeps calm, nods his head and looks cute in argyle.
This too, shall pass.
Over at the salon de Chaz worksite, Vlad fucked up in a charming, beat up ghetto Russian thug kinda way and Jeff vowed to get rid of him. Well, after the part with all the lifting and sawing and hammering part is done, of course. This lady keeps supple, moisturized, plucked, waxed, scrubbed, conditioned, blow dried, chap-stick, closed pored, fresh breathed and ironed. Not about to get in the trenches. Pathologically lying contractors? Fine. Lifting and sweating? No. He shines like a new dime on a sunny sidewalk.
Jeff gave Zoila, his maid, shit about not being as organized and attentive as his hot “house assistant”. This guy:
Please God. Please. Please let me somehow meet this guy at Sbux and put him under my spell! Of course, my spell is just basically blindfolding him, handcuffing him, and shoving him into the trunk of my car… Are you allowed to pray for the opportunity to kidnap someone? Anyway, thanks for listening to me. Amen.
Today opens with Jeff taking empty cartons and bottles out of the fridge while shooting icicles at Zoila for letting garbage pile up in the same place he ages the goat placenta for his weekly face sanding and lubrication marathon. She’s watching him detachedly, shrugging a lot. Fridge drama doesn’t work, so he starts raving about her missing one of his shirts when he told her to iron every single shirt in his closet.
No wonder she didn’t have time to throw out milk cartons. Good lord.
Jeff tells us that it takes a lot of different skills to be a maid, and Zoila doesn’t really have any of them. She makes him laugh, though, and that’s his only professional demand. Riiiiight. That and of course ironing hundreds of shirts just cuz. He is in full on ranting mode now, and Zoila’s still watching him like a really repetitive telenovela. Finally he starts to leave the bedroom, saying he doesn’t want her asking for any more special requests until she’s ironed every last stitch in that closet. Her “special requests” include going to visit her friend and going to the bank, most likely for him. She says ok, but not today cuz she has plans. LOL. He waves his finger around and repeats himself over and over, so she fights with her own repetition of “not today.” In. Love. With her. He keeps walking and repeating and she finally just tells him to shut up, closing the closet door behind her so she can get back to Betty La Fea.
Jeff goes over to Cole, the three bungalow beauty complex he’s been working on. And now for some before and after pics!
Jeff had nothing to do with those last two, but now that I’m thinking of Kirstie, I’ve been following her on Twitter and it’s one of the most fulfilling decisions I have made in a long time. Here’s an example; “Jessica Simpson u r a great beauty and infinitly funny.. Dony let a pack of fuck wits get u down.. U are eternal. They are.. Fuck wits” Don’t say I never gave you anything.
Back to the show. A lot of work has been done at Cole, but there’s still quite a bit to go. Today the focus is the “meditation garden.” Fucking LA. There’s a calming water feature and resting spots, but no ashtray. Huge problem. Another problem? The homeless woman Chaz has let live in his backyard for twelve years. I would say fucking LA but I’ve already said it.
Frank points out that Spirit is giving Jeff dirty looks. Not having a home doesn’t make you stupid. She knows he’s gonna try to kick her ass out. She doesn’t have a TV but she looks like she’s seen his act a million times. Sure enough, the first thing Jeff starts talking about is how to get rid of Spirit. It’s hard to think of the relaxation aspect of the garden with flies buzzing all around her. One positive thing she brings to the table, though? Very fancy pillows.
by Spirit Accessories. Smell of poop not included.
Jeff goes outside to Spirit and tries to butter her up by complimenting her bedding. He tells us that she would be more comfortable in a shelter. Um…doubtful. Shelters are known for a lot of things (stabbings, mush, pee stains), and comfort isn’t one of them.
Later, Jenni and Jeff are at a stoplight and Jeff reflexively locks his door when he sees a homeless guy begging for change. Bwahah. He says that he has a fear of clowns, drag queens, and homeless people. Sounds reasonable to me. Add migrant workers in front of the Home Depot and we’ll be perfectly compatible. Jenni wants to give the homeless guy a buck, but Jeff refuses and adds that she can be compassionate on her own time. When he’s in her car she’s not to mingle with the descamisados cuz he’s not getting carjacked so she can feel better about herself. “You’re risking my life and my car.” By giving change to a homeless guy. I wish I knew Jeff personally. I could finally have someone to try and run down old ladies in crosswalks with. We all have our sport.
Buena Park: This house is a mess and it needs to get done asap. Fortunately, Vlad’s on the case! Well, fortunately for us cuz it’s fun to watch him lie and get mad and stare at Jenni’s boobs. Jeff’s issue with Vladdles today is a drain in the tub, which needs an extender. Vlad explains how difficult it is to find a strainer drain with lips. Yes, I would imagine that would be hard. Jeff doesn’t believe that there is such a thing as a drain extender, and is eager to see how Vlad is going to find one by the end of the day. “He’ll probably patent one and invent it just to prove us all wrong.” LOL. Montage of Vlad lying his ass off. Unsuccessful visit? Yes. But at least Jenni’s boobs got some attention.
Try a pashmina or something.
Back home, Zoila asks for permission to get her hair done at Chaz’ place on Tuesday. Jeff is like uh no you’re in prison and no one’s gonna see your hair anyway but me. She’s always trying to come up with reasons to escape leave the house for a couple hours at a time, and he’s got like five hundred shirts for her to iron over and over again. He tells her he wants her to work like a normal person, and she says most normal people get off at 3:30. Ah, Mexico. Why does anyone leave that paradise? Jeff’s not buying it, and Jett chimes in that he gets his errands done after work and she should too. Snapple! I wish Zoila was advanced enough in her English to shush him and tell him to just stay quiet and look pretty, but she’s not so she just crosses her arms and grumbles. Jeff decides it’s time to come up with a way to get her ass in line, and with her newfound citizenship, belting is out of the question.
Over at Cole, Jerff does a walk through with Frank, who tells him that he thinks Spirit is pooping in the backyard and burying it. Jeff can smell it and thinks customers might have problem relaxing in the Zen garden while inhaling homeless poop smell. The team confronts Chaz about the poop problem, and he looks utterly confused and kinda surprised that she’s pooping in the yard. Frank’s like “where else is she gonna poop?” Jeff chides him for not having toilet paper out there. LOL. Well, you’re the one working on it. Add a vanity and a paper towel rack to the patio banister. Chaz is very protective of Spirit. Not protective enough to give her a house key, of course, but protective. At least she had the manners to bury it. It’s kinda like flushing.
Buena Park – The owners are worried that the doggie door is big enough for a human to fit through it, so Jenni wins the task of going outside and crawling through. Jenni? Takes a lot of crap. I hope to someday marry someone like her. But with a peepee. She can’t crawl through because the door was installed upside down. Oh, Vlad. Jeff, over it, tells one of the workers that he’s going to be taking over fixing everything that’s on Vlad’s list and he’ll deduct it from Vlad’s pay. That’s gonna go over really well. There will be a lot of angry claps coming Jeff’s way.
Jeff’s House – Since the belting option is off the table, Jeff has decided to threaten her with a bathtub full of gasoline while he smokes? Put snakes in her bed? Pull out her toe nails one by one? No. He’s spent three hundred bucks on a Roomba. Wow. You punish the maid by not making her vacuum any more. I’m very disappointed in you right now, Jeff Lewis. On the bright side, it’s good to have help that the dogs can feel close to.
The plan is to avoid violence and lean on old fashioned jealousy instead. And it works! Zoila’s pissed and when Jeff leaves, she’s not cross armed and grumbly, she’s holding a mop.
Well played, sir. Well played.
Cole – Jeff has found a used chunk of toilet paper in the Zen garden. Now this is what I call progress. He complained that Chaz didn’t even give her toilet paper and boom. Toiletpaper. What’s the problem? Oh yeah IT’S COVERED IN SHIT. Jeff gets Chaz outside and bitches about his “homeless pet”. But if you only knew the story behind Spirit you would understand!! Jeff is sick of hearing about this story, so Chaz finally tells it to him. Brace yourselves. You know this is gonna be the flakiest bs you’ve heard in a long time. All together now, FUCKING LA.
When he was in Bel Air looking for a house, he meditated and asked his spirit guides to send him signs to find the perfect place. He pulled up to this house and there was a homeless lady with blue eyes. “Like the Caribbean!” Chaz introduced himself and was floored to find out the lady’s name was Spirit. Cuz he asked for spiritual signs!! OMG the universe listened!! Unfortunately for Chaz, he also got stuck in traffic that day and said shit a lot.
Jeff doesn’t laugh or roll his eyes or make a rude comment, which is commendable. Especially when he’s got two of his greatest three fears (a clown and a homeless person) in his vicinity. I cross my fingers that the producers will put a pair of false eyelashes on Frank so we can watch Jeff go fetal, but they don’t. BOOOOO! Jeff says that he will drop it like Spirit drops poop in the flower bed.
Jeff’s House – The roomba is still wreaking havoc and Zoila is pissed. She even argues with Jeff because Roomba, “the big star”, is cleaning a room she wants to clean. OK so now Zoila’s begging to clean? Jeff Lewis is the Dale Carnegie of our times. Finally, Zoila gets annoyed enough to pick up the Roomba and put it in robot vacuum cleaner jail. This is like a Bette Davis movie.
All About Roomba
Buena Park – Jeff goes to check on Jose’s progress. The doggy door is fixed, which means Jenni now has the exciting opportunity to crawl through it. She does, and gets filthy. Jeff turns her around to make sure she doesn’t have dirt all over her butt and then assures her that she’s clean as a whistle.
This leaves open the opportunity at the next job site to rip her apart for showing up dirty. Always thinking ahead, this one.
Jeff’s House – The family sits around to have a sweet peaceful lunch together. Jett has brought lunch, and even though Zoila didn’t ask for anything, he brought her chips and salsa. She wants his guacamole too. She hates him, and it’s delicious. Jeff asks her how her visit with her friends was and if they were happy at their jobs, and she says they are because they get the weekends off. Sound of Roomba in the background. Jett says that he knows people he can introduce Jeff too if he wants to replace Zoila, and Jenny commends him on turning into such a dick after only a year of training. Zoila snaps “I no talking to you, House Assistant.” In the maid world, those are fighting words. There’s a looooong moment of silent tension. Then Jenni pops up. “I had a date last night!” And the room is officially dead. Zoila starts crying and goes to her room. Poor Jenni.
Jeff follows Zoila and it turns out she’s not crying because of Jenni’s sad dating life, but because Jett…well I’ll let her say it herself.
Jenni comes into the room too, and then Jett. Stupidly, he leaves the guacamole on the table. He apologizes, but Zoila’s not biting. Jeff offers to take the pressure off Zoils awhile by making fun of Jenni’s “pumpkin costume” instead. Why make one woman cry when you can have two? It’s called a bargain.
Zoila forgives Jett, but threatens to kill him if he makes her cry again. Jeff doesn’t tell Zoila this cuz he doesn’t want his house to turn into a cobwebbed trash heap, but he assures us that her job is very very safe and he would never fire her. As an olive branch, he gets rid of Roomba. And clean floors.
Cole – Things are shaping up in the homeless garden, but the Spirit problem is still there. Jeff asks Frank to move her to the driveway, because he feels less is more. Especially when it comes to homeless people. He goes inside and nags Chaz about Spirit again, and this time Chaz is pissed. Or he’s just wearing more eyeliner than usual. I can’t tell.
Don’t fuck with me liner.
They compromise, and decide to just move Zoila away from the picture window. The rest of the yard could use some fertilizing too. Chaz is lucky homeless people don’t have Bravo, cuz he would have a whole brigade in his backyard if anyone caught wind of the news that there’s such a sucker generous person in LA. Jeff accepts that he’s not gonna win this one, so in addition to moving Spirit to a more hidden part of the property, he’s adding an outdoor shower for her. AW! See? He’s nice! The shower will be hooked up to a tank of acid, but still.
In the car, sweet see he’s really a good person guitar music plays as Jeff asks Sarah why everyone calls Spirit a woman when she’s obviously a man. Sarah says Chaz told her it’s so people will feel sorrier for her. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What the hell is wrong with Chaz, and why does he need people to feel the maximum amount of sorry for her? My guess is that it’s because Chaz is a “I’m a generous, spiritual yoga practicing cloth shopping bag carrying Prius driver with a recycling bin and my own personal homeless sign from the universe kinda rich person, not the asshole kind” prop for this queen, and she needs to be used to her full potential. I am kinda grossed out with Chaz.
Jeff is called over to Buena Park by Chris, the new contractor, cuz Vlad has fucked up more stuff. When Jeff gets there, Chris has already decided how to fix it all, which makes Jeff decide that it’s time to branch out and take Chris on as a new partner. The Ryan situation is obviously not gonna be fixed any time soon, and as long as he’s going to have to work alongside a man who won’t sleep with him anyway, he’ll upgrade to Chris and make some money while he does it.
Jeff’s House – Jeff announces some bad news to his assistants. Spirit died!! WTH?? This is fishy. Is it me, or are his eyes smiling right now?
Knowing what everyone’s thinking, Jeff says right up front that he had nothing to do with it and instructs Jenni to tell the police that she was at home with him all night last night. Jenni tells him to stop joking and insists that he’s not funny, but she’s very very wrong. I have to pause to cackle. He tries to stare off into the distance and look all forlorn, but he can’t stop the half smile from appearing. Jenni starts getting teary eyed as Jeff insists that he didn’t want her to die. Just ship her off to a shelter. LOL.
Over at Cole, police stand around admiring the now lush Zen garden. Spirit appears to have died from dehydration. Right before a shower was installed. And her new room was where all the water bottles were kept. So basically if everyone had listened to Jeff sooner and moved her quicker, she’d still be here to fertilize the lawn today. Who am I? When did I become this rotten of a person? Jesus I can’t stop myself from typing this trash. And how generous is fucking spiritual tree huggie down dog Chaz when his homeless person dies from a lack of WATER?!
Jenni cries, and says that she’s so upset because it’s sad to see how people are just thrown away in life and everyone’s just like “oh well she’s dead throw her bed in the trash and move on!” Death is only respectable when you’ve got greedy family members fighting over your shit. Jenni has a valid point, and it’s a genuine and touching moment. But all I can think is damn, someone’s gonna break an ankle trying to walk around that water feature.
Where Spirit used to sleep, there’s a vase of flowers, a candle, and…wait for it…a glass of water.
In the car, Jeff lets Jenni talk about being sad for Spirit. This has all made Jeff think about his own mortality. Death really makes you think about who’s important in your life, which is all the excuse he needs to call Ryan to do some repair work. Do you think his toolbox has an “I’m sorry” in it? I’m guessing no, but I will def be tuning in to next week’s season finale to find out. Thanks for being here.