Seriously. I’m a big fan of the crossover – you know, where the characters from one television show appear on another for an episode or two – but I believe this may be an actual emergency. Everyone on this show, except for Trace who only owns a pair of jeans and a white shirt, is in dire need of a makeover, and I think we need a whole lot of What Not to Wear. I don’t think it was bad bacon that took Jeff down. I think it was bad fashion.
Jeff and Jenni are starting a new project in Bel Air at Jackie’s house. Jackie looks like the sixty-year old lovechild of Donatella Versace and Jenna Jameson and appears to have been used and discarded at an alarming rate. A manchild, who can only be her son, walks into the room but Jeff tells us that this is Jackie’s new boyfriend. Got it. Jackie is separated from her husband . . . no really, I got it.
Mo-om! You’re embarrassing me!
Jeff is running around the house telling Jackie what changes he would make and her lips are so full of foreign substance that they can only form the words “I agree.” Jeff is happy to get in, get out and make a quick twenty thousand on this one. He says it’s easy money. Famous last words.
Looks like IKEA does a huge business in Bel Air. Who knew?
Jenni’s Metaphor of the Day: The house is like a teenager who needs to lose fifteen pounds and get her braces off. She needs a makeover. Um, looks like everyone does.
Pot? Meet kettle.
Jeff leaves the house saying that he thinks Jackie is really nice but he doesn’t want to see her nipped, tucked and implanted other side. Neither do I.
Jeff and Jenni are leaving for Buena Park and Jeff catches sight of Jenni’s shoes. He deems them hooker heels and tells her that they’re totally and completely inappropriate for the job site. I don’t know what hookers Jeff has been visiting but he needs to step up his game.
The latest in hooker fashion — beige, high-heeled loafers.
He warns her to modify her dress code so he doesn’t have to implement one. He says this isn’t Melrose Place and Jenni isn’t Amanda Woodward. Yeah, and it’s not fifteen years ago and your pop culture references aren’t severely outdated.
They walk into Buena Park to make sure Vlad is still wearing sleeveless shirts and doing nothing. Check and check. Jeff asks Vlad for the measurements on some structure he built. Vlad says the measurements are correct and to trust him but Jeff knows better. He asks Vlad to get a measuring tape which elicits a very audible sigh and a reluctant trip to retrieve the tape. Don’t these guys carry shit on a tool belt? It turns out that Vlad was off by eight inches.
If I say you were right and smile like this, will you forget that I fucked up?
And yes, there was a funnier comment than that having to do with eight inches but I couldn’t pull it together. I’m off my game.
In order to teach Jenni a lesson, Jeff tells her to get up on the roof to make sure Vlad finished it. First, she spews some nonsense about how her hooker heels will help her spot any hole that Vlad missed. Second, she walks like she has an enormous penis. Turns out she didn’t learn any lesson that day except that fashion comes first.
Jeff and his new assistant, Sara, are in the office. For some reason, Jeff is charmed by Sara’s bubbleheadedness. He asks her to call Robert about a pool light and she asks if his name is Jose. Um, no, it’s Robert. Then why’d you say Jose? Um, I didn’t. Jeff finds this to be a breath of fresh air. I think she’s a total pisser but I don’t understand why he hasn’t fired her yet.
Maybe because she’s total eye candy?
They get in the car and Jeff spends twenty minutes complaining about Jenni and the fact that she’s more interested in being an actress and going on auditions than she is in working for Jeff. Jeff realizes that the conversation is making Bubblehead uncomfortable and asks if she would like to change the subject. She responds with the seven little words that make Jeff’s stone-cold heart melt: Whatever you like. It’s all about you.
You’re so getting a raise and a promotion.
Looks like this one is going to stick around for awhile. Unfortunately, Jenni is shocked and angry that her hours have been reduced but fortunately, this could lead to a Jenni/Bubblehead showdown and that should make for excellent television.
Jeff and Bubblehead are at Jackie’s house. Jeff tells Jackie that he needs money to keep the project working. Apparently, even though Jackie assured Jeff that money wasn’t an issue, she keeps talking about wires and getting checks from her ex-husband and it’s difficult to get money from her.
Jeff Lewis Designs does not offer a layaway plan and he’s not a bank. It appears that Duckie had just enough money to pay for her new face and boobs and hire a boytoy but not enough to redecorate her alimony palace.
Daisy De La Hoya and Flex in 2024.
Jeff has his period and flips out on Jenni. There’s some disagreement about whether he asked her to write checks or not and he storms out of the room. Clearly, he’s peeved that she wants to be an actress so he’s been picking fights with her.
Someone is watching too much CW.
Jeff still has his period and it’s getting worse. The landscape person, Cathy, either ordered the wrong planters or accepted the wrong planters or something equally tragic but it’s going to cost Jeff $700 in delivery fees to fix it. He threatens to kill himself. I’m not sure Cathy would mind.
Rachel? Is that you?
And it’s lunchtime at Valley Oak! Jeff heads inside to eat because he’s too upset to deal with the planter tragedy. He’s so worked up that it’s causing his stomach to hurt. He yells to Cathy that he has an ulcer and it’s all her fault. Despite the shooting pains in his stomach, Jeff mans up and heads out to his appointment with Duckie because she owes him money and he doesn’t know when he’ll see her again.
Two options: Lay in wait outside her plastic surgeon’s office. She could show up at any moment. Or lead her into a trap baited with botox.
They’re at the furniture store and Duckie hands the checks to Jeff but tells him he can’t cash them until tomorrow. According to Duckie, the economy has resulted in a serious lag time in check cashing so she won’t have the money in her account until tomorrow. This sits very well with Jeff.
Duckie starts going through all of the furniture she picked out and Jeff agrees with every choice. Which alarms Jenni. If Jeff doesn’t have an opinion, he must be dying.
I’m throwing up. In my mouth. Right now.
Jeff finally tells everyone that he feels sick to his stomach so they mercifully end the meeting. Jeff drives home (at lightening speed, I imagine) complaining that he’s in pain and ready to throw up. He gets home, climbs into bed and Jeff Lewis’ office moves into the bedroom. Jenni thinks it’s funny to pretend to be a nurse by putting on Zoila’s bathrobe.
Because nurses wear bathrobes?
Jeff cancels his client dinner that night and then we know this must be bad. Jenni says that he loves his work so much and that he was clearly upset that he had to cancel the dinner. Um, I think he’s upset because he’s violently ill.
The next morning Jeff is still in bed. He was up all night. And threw up fifteen times. Because we needed to know this. Zoila is psyched that Jeff is sick in bed and Jett is playing nurse and plying Jeff with Pepto. Jenni steps up as Jeff 2.0 but looks more like some sort of mafia nerd.
You know, if the mafia had nerds . . .
Jeff 2.0 is running the morning meeting and giving out assignments. Trace gets to pick out tile, Bubblehead gets to go to Duckie’s house and Jett has to mail a letter and purchase a four pack of toilet paper because they’re using napkins at Duckie’s. It’s a real situation. When Bubblehead heard that Jenni was going to be in charge for the day she was EXCITED.
I’m so excited that I even had my hair and make-up done!
Jenni and Bubblehead are in the car heading to Buena Park. It appears that Bubblehead got the makeover memo and she looks – dare I say it? – good.
Who are you and what have you done with Bubblehead?
Jenni tells Bubblehead that Vlad has a crush on her. I guess trashy, 1980s streetwalker has a big fan base in the Ukraine. They show up and are relieved to find that Vlad has fulfilled his duty of wearing a sleeveless shirt and doing nothing.
If I move my hand, this whole house goes down.
There’s some talk of bathtubs and inspections but it boils down to the fact that Vlad is reluctant to listen to Jeff 2.0 telling him what to do. He keeps telling her to ask Jeff about the inspection but he finally relents and lets her have her way. Jeff 2.0 needs to represent for Jeff so she walks around the house, points out stupid crap and tells Vlad that he has to fix everything.
Do these glasses make me look smart? Nah, I can still see your face.
Jeff 2.0 rewards Vlad by telling him that she’ll tell Jeff that he was a team player. Vlad seems far more pleased with the “Thanks, Vlad” he gets from Bubblehead.
Jenni and Bubblehead leave Buena Park and Bubblehead asks if Vlad actually works or if he just shows up at the house when they schedule appointments to be there. She also makes fun of Vlad’s choice of attire.
Pot? Meet kettle.
Back in the sick bay, Zoila is playing nurse to poor, pathetic Jeff. He’s completely green and looks like he’s going to hurl so Zoila asks if he would like any food. Perhaps five pieces of bacon? Awesome. Then lightbulb! Perhaps it was the months-old bacon that Zoila fed Jeff for breakfast that made him sick!
Gee. You think?
Jeff recreates the crime scene and decides that Zoila has poisoned him. She kept insisting that he eat a big breakfast, he ate at nine, the bacon smelled funny, he got severe stomach cramps at noon, and this was all followed by the violent vomiting. Thanks for the deets. Apparently, Jeff’s head is very slippery and Zoila fears a washcloth will slide right off his head if not secured in place so she is kind enough to tape it there. In a color that Jeff likes.
Both functional and stylish.
Zoila mocks Jeff for being so dramatic over a little stomach ache. Jeff thinks she’s enjoying all of this far too much. Payback is a bitch. He needs Nurse Zoila to change the rag on his head but he’s afraid of the pain that will occur when she tears the tape off his hair. She offers him an M&M to dull the pain and continues calling him a drama man. When Jeff asked if she wanted to kill him, she said that she tried but nothing happened.
Please ignore the unusual color and odor of the sauce.
And really? Jeff allows cats to eat on the kitchen counter?
Jenni and Bubblehead are on their way to Duckie’s house and Jenni explains that they cannot leave the house without getting paid. Jenni decides on a good cop/bad cop strategy and says she has to be the bad cop because she’s Jeff 2.0 for the day. Then, in case the entire viewing audience has a collective IQ of forty, Bubblehead explains what a good cop/bad cop strategy is. Um, thanks.
So, like, one of us is the good cop and you know, is all good and nice, and then the other one is the bad cop and you know, like all bad and mean. It’s so awesome.
Jenni and Bubblehead walk through Duckie’s house and everything looks great despite the fact that Duckie hasn’t paid anyone. Jenni asks Duckie for a status on the payments and Duckie says she has to call the bank and that there’s no more money talk for the day. Funny how people who owe the money say that but not so much the people who are owed.
Once the check to that surgeon in Tijuana clears, I can pay you.
Jenni tells Duckie that the project can’t proceed until everyone gets paid. Duckie promises to call the bank and silences the money talk again. Jenni calls Jeff to ask him what to do and he insists that the project be shut down if his guys can’t get paid. He’s going to have to come out of pocket to cover the contractors if Duckie can’t and he is not pleased, to say the least.
Jenni hangs up on a screaming Jeff and tells the general contractor that he has to stop all work. Bubblehead points out that Jeff must have said something “really crazy” to Jenni because she turned the whole thing upside down. Hmm, maybe he told her to tell them to stop working until they got paid? Since. That’s. What. She. Told. Them.
I was not hired for my mind.
Risking a girl fight, Jenni had to go back to Duckie and tell her that she was shutting everything down. Duckie tells her once again that she just has to call the bank and then she’ll call Jenni and that’s it! Enough said about money! She’s not going to talk about it anymore! Duckie finally realizes that she’s on a television show and that all of her shadiness is being recorded so she gives about a dozen “cut” motions with her hands, says ‘no more’ and storms off.
Fuck! Is all of this being taped?
Bubblehead remarks to Jenni that this is uncomfortable, right? Yeah, you think?
Jeff 1.0 finally emerges from his sick cocoon and goes over the day with Jenni. Duckie never called him back and Jeff is convinced she doesn’t have the money to cover her bills. Jenni realizes that Jeff has a tough job — what with the dealing with Vlad and cheap clients — and Jeff says that she did well in an uncomfortable situation.
Jeff and Jenni are in the car and he’s leaving another voicemail for Duckie. He tells her he needs another $25,000 to finish everything but that he’s going to pay the contractors and she can just reimburse him. Of course, Jeff thinks this is totally awesome because why would he want to risk his own money on a spec house and do things his way when he can just lay out the money for a client who may or may not ever pay him back?
Good afternoon. It’s a great day at Jeff Lewis’ office. Financing available.
Lunchtime at Jeff Lewis’ office! Seriously, I love this part of everyday. I think Bravo should have some sort of contest and the prize is lunchtime at Jeff Lewis’ office. Jeff reminds Zoila to not feed him old, moldy bacon ever again but Zoila insists he was just sick. And it wasn’t so bad because he got to rest and lose weight.
Duckie finally returns Jeff’s phone call and she is PISSED because she can’t make money appear out of thin air. Then . . . what’s that old saying . . . oh yeah, how about your mouth not writing checks that your ass can’t cash. Sort of almost literally. Jeff — and I admire his restraint — tells her that he wants to get this house finished and explains that they have a punch list of things to complete. Duckie interrupts and says she doesn’t need a lecture.
I think Jeff then took a wrong turn when he explains that her problems are “princess problems”. Not being able to buy that four thousand dollar couch she wants until next Monday is a bit different than the contractors who need to pay their rent. Uh oh. Abort. Abort.
Duckie flips out and yells that she has been paying on time and that the contractors didn’t even cash the last checks for a week! Um, so what? Jeff — again, calmly — says he just wants to come up with a game plan to get the house finished. Duckie does not want to hear his bullshit about her not paying and he’s pissing her off. This conversation is over! And she hangs up.
Next week looks like a very special episode of Flipping Out where Jeff learns who his true friends are (are those tears, Jeff Lewis?) but I’m hoping for a Bubblehead/Duckie smackdown. My money is on Bubblehead. Until next week, Gasmii.