Fly Girls: Bringing The Glamour Back To Picking Up Trash In A Pressurized, Metal Tube

Welcome to Fly Girls! Unlike every other reality show out there that’s here to tell you that things aren’t as fabulous as they seem, these honeys are out to prove that fetching beers for people in shorts and flip flops when they ring the little bell is the height of glamour.

The life of a flight attendant – you never know where the day can take you! (It usually takes you somewhere in the Midwest where your only choice for dinner is something covered in cheddar). You get invited to exclusive parties! (Because they think you’re easy, or at least easy to make jokes about.) We are confident, successful women in control of our lives! (Totally true. You won’t last a minute in this job if you’re not.)

I know all this cause I’m a sometimes flight attendant myself. And despite what I say, I love almost everything about it. I’m pretty excited about this show, cause after years of writing recaps and calling bullshit on anything and everything, for once I will actually know what I’m talking about.

First we meet Nikole who tells us as she applies frosty pink lipgloss what a strong woman she is. Next we meet Louise, whose from a traditional Asian family who wants her to just be a nurse. We get our first sign of what serious business this flight attendant thing is with a shot of Louise’s bra.

Next up is Farrah, who has awesome bangs. “Flying is everything,” she tells us. True. Followed by telling us that she’s been doing it for nine years and that when you travel all the time, life on the ground can pass you by. (True, just cause it’s true.)

Next we meet Tasha, who’s single with a ten year old son. And Mandalay. Mandalay? That’s ridiculous. And probably made up. Anyway, Mandalay is from Arizona where all she learned was that she didn’t want the white picket fence. Mandalay gives us bra action too,only hers comes in the actual airport parking lot. So on the go she’s living out of a car.

Louise tells us that when you step on the plane, you’ve got one hundred personalities to deal with, so you never know. Eh, I just assume they’re all assholes and if I find someone’s nice it’s a pleasant surprise. She tells us that morning flights can be the worst, because you have to put a smile on your face even if you don’t feel like it.

Mandalay, who they all call Mandy, wonders the time honored flight attendant question of why everyone feels compelled to bring every, single thing they own onto the airplane. You could earn your pay through the arguments over checking carry-on bags full of “valuables” alone. By the way, traveling public, we know by “valuables”, you mean underwear. We’re on to you.

And then, some of that in flight romance that they used to pitch this thing in the first place! A generically hot guy with super blue eyes and super white teeth orders a club soda and awkwardly asks Louise how she’s doing. Lame. Lame. Lame. I understand that he is a paid supporting cast member, and Louise will be contractually obliged to go on some kind of date with him but that was the best he could do?

Back in the galley (the little kitchen area where you used to see us preparing food, and where you can currently find us reading US Weekly and gossiping about passengers), Louise and Mandy are gossiping about passengers. Specifically, Mr. 18C, who Mandy designates as Louise’s IFB – In Flight Boyfriend. IFBs are definitely a perk of the job. A flight isn’t long enough for the relationship to go wrong, and the deplaning rush makes for a hassle free breakup.

Louise does her duty and goes back to chat up her new IFB. We learn that she just ended a four year relationship, and is just starting to date again. They say the same totally boring same thing to each other like four times, and “Jinx!” each other a lot. This is why we don’t take IFBs off the plane. But, big surprise, IFB just happens to be having a cocktail party that night! Gosh, on the very day he meets a flight attendant with a camera crew attached. What a coincidence!

In San Francisco, Tasha is going to work. She splits custody with her son’s Dad. Because she’s on the road, it works. She meets up with Farrah in the airport, and they have an extremely awkward and staged conversation about the new roommate who’s moving in that day. Tasha’s excited because it’s another person to split the bills with. Oh, the CW makes you split bills with them? The Beautiful Life did more damage than we thought.

It’s new roommie talk on Louise and Mandy’s flight too. But the plot thickens…Mandy already knows the new girl. Even better, they’re ex-besties! If you’re feeling a Lauren / Heidi drama coming on…well, you watch too much reality TV. No offense, it takes one to know one, I saw it coming too. Mandy and the new girl – Nikole with a K as in are you Kidding me? – were best buds in training, and Mandy guesses that she’s there to add spice. She describes her as “her personality enters the room five minutes before she does”. That’s the sweet girl way of saying Nik’s a total bitch.

And back at home, Farrah and Tasha are waiting for the rest of the girls to get there. Farrah teaches us about “crash pads” – they’re colorful beachfront apartments where flight attendants “crash” on satin sheets and soak in their hot tub in between jetting around the world and attending fabulous parties.

I’m sure it will surprise no one to learn that the CW crashpad is nothing close to the crashpads of reality. Mine is in glamorous Queens, walking distance to the airport because no one can afford cabs. Nightlife consists of the Tiki bar next door whose wine list extends to “white, red or pink”. The cutest we look is on the days when we bother to match our t-shirts to our sweatpants. Fine dining is Chinese takeout. There is a full complement of liquor minis in house to keep you drunk enough to forget what you’re missing, though.

So Tasha already has an attitude about Nik. Tasha came to play, I like it. And then we meet the infamous Nikole. She cruises up in a Hummer to make sure we know that she’s wretched, and then hops out with two tiny dogs in pink and blue shirts to make sure that we know she’s annoying. She tells us how excited she is to move into fantasy land, with the best party scene and the beautiful people. Oh, and by the way, she’s had some bad luck with girls in the past.

Tasha takes one look at the dogs and gives us the, “Oh hellllllll no.”

“All of us are here!” says Nik, pointing out that – well, that the five of them are standing there. Gripping. Where will it all lead? Mandy pipes in to tell us that she and Nik had a falling out, but she hopes that Nik’s grown since then. Oh come on, Mandy, where’s the drama in that? Not to worry though, the Hummer and matching puppies are all pointing in the direction of immature asshole.

Nik tells us she was “born ready!” which is irritating coming from anyone. She asks what the group is up to that night and Louise and Mandy fill her in on the totally impromptu and not CW sanctioned cocktail party that they’re going to. Nik immediately gets up on her high horse about not dating people from the airplane. “I’ve had some rotten apples, but I wish you girls luck,” she says loftily.

You know, they’re a lot of Ke$ha songs on this show. Why do we have to be represented by her when there’s so many good Foo Fighters songs about flying? It’s time for the unplanned cocktail party that the CW definitely did not pay for. It’s Beverly Hills alright, but nothing fancy. They walk into a backyard littered with rejects from The Hills. Actually, shirtless rejects from the Hills.

Louise is not amused. And also not afraid to stand up for herself. “I thought this was a cocktail party,” she tells her her ex-IFB. “You’re both stylin’,” he drools. Louise and Mandy gamely ask him to introduce them to his “friends”, who seemed to have been picked up after after-hours sniffing foot stomped coke off the bathroom floor at Teddy’s. Or wherever people who aspire to hang with Brody Jenner hang out.

And they’re clever! They ask if they’re called stewardesses, and are told that technically, the word is “In Flight Team Member”, but they’re not particular about the title. Which of course leads to a really good one about calling them “Hey you!”, which everyone always enjoys. Then they offer us some never-before-heard insightful questions about the mile high club, and helpfully inform Louise and Mandy that they are in competition with Hooters, so act accordingly.

Then Tasha does some online chatting with her kid for a while. We get it, even though she’s on the road she still has time to be a great Mom. In between all the jet setting, that is. Anyway, it’s boring. Take us back to the party with the Hills rejects.

Louise is saying that her hosts’ “friends” were rude, but she knows those producers aren’t going to let her go home until she gives them some scene, so she makes up some crap about wanting to give IFB a chance. He’s either wasted or retarded. Quite possibly both. He tells her “the details of my life are inconsequential”. Truer words have never been spoken on reality TV.

His Dad owns some stuff, but I don’t speak douchebag slur so I don’t know what. He’s speaking in some weird accent that Louise identifies as Austin Powers. She tells us she was excited to get back into dating, but if this is what’s out there, no thank you.

And then it’s time for the the TWU commercial. TWU is the union that’s trying to organize the Virgin flight attendants. They show us a bunch of “real people” saying “I’m a fly guy / girl.” And by “real people”, I mean the ones who ruined the stereotype of hot flight attendants. Listen Virgins, stay away from the union. You’ll pay them thousands in dues do whatever they can to bankrupt your company and ensure you have no future. My union tried to get me fired at one point. The company stepped in to save my ass. True story.

Back to the Hills Lite, the IFB has degenerated to pathetic ex who won’t leave you alone. “Smashing party,” he says giggling like Beavis and Butthead and then grabbing Louise’s head and telling her to “just go with it”. Louise is trying to wrestle her head away when luckily Mandy shows up to save the day. “We only have twelve hours before our flight and we need time to stop drinking and get dressed,” she advises him perkily as they make their exit. I love our girls.

.

“What’s more awkward, that kiss or me and Nikole at the Ft. Lauderdale launch?” Mandy asks, shifting the attention back her way as they leave the party. So, another perk of being a Virgin flight attendant who’s also on a reality show is you get to be part of the Promo Team. Every time there’s a new city, they throw an inaugural party and “all eyes are on you”.

But the Ft. Lauderdale launch is set to be especially insane. “They’ve never put on an event that big before,” Mandy tells us. Well, they never had a half-hour of free advertising disguised as a reality show before. So the big honor of the day is sitting on the fire truck with Richard Branson. As the first Virgin plane touches down in one of my favorite cities, the fire trucks spray arcs of water for the plane to glide through. It’s pretty cool.

And the lucky winner of the day is Mandy! She’s thrilled. Troublemaker Nik is pissed. She beats a path to the marketing director and tells him she doesn’t think it was a good idea to put Mandy on the fire truck for such a big event. Right ho, we know she’s not gonna get on her knees like you would, but we’re filming for prime time now. The marketing guy, in a small but plot crucial role, plays his part in the charade by telling Nik to “keep an eye out” for the other girls.

This next part’s annoying to write about because it’s so obviously staged, but Nik pretends to take the “keep an eye” comment as official HBIC orders. She starts bossing all the other girls around, who are annoyed but do as they are told. By Nik. And the producers. Mandy is dispatched to put out centerpieces and Farrah is assigned some kind of napkin project. Once she’s gotten those two sufficiently distracted and out of the way, she snakes her way back to the marketing director who suddenly realizes that he needs to get the fire truck flight attendant out there and on this truck right this minute.

They do a badly acted parody of looking for Mandy for about two seconds, and then big surprise, Nik is sent off to the fire truck with Richard Branson. “He’s my boss! I have to follow his instructions,” she simpers, prancing over to the truck. “Are you coming up?” he asks her, clearly a little disappointed to have to forgo the cute blonde for the ate up skank.

And it all happens too fast for little Mandy. She actually probably wasn’t in on it. One minute she’s arranging centerpieces, next minute the plane’s landing and it’s Nik on the fire truck. She tells us she’s not surprised, and that this is exactly something that Nik would do.

Back in LA, Louise and Tasha are on the beach recapping Louise’s disastrous fake cocktail pool party. They talk about dating. I hear enough about that in real life. Men are from Mars and all that stuff. I’m not covering it here.

In Ft. Lauderdale, “work is done, now it’s time to do what we do best, par-tay!” we are told. For the record, I have never, ever “par-tayed”. They run into someone named Tyler, who works with them and is at all the events. Soooo…the casting director? We’re told he’s a friend of Mandy’s, but mid conversation, Nik swoops in to steal him away.

And then Mandy’s back to steal him back. Oh, actually it’s not him she’s after, it’s Nik. Mandy drags her outside and starts airing all the dirty laundry. I was talking to him first, you stole my spot on the fire truck, it’s not all about you, do you even know what’s going on? Nik brilliantly deduces that Mandy has issues with her. Then Lauren tells Heidi how they used to be best friends and she doesn’t know what happened.

Poor Mandy ends up sobbing next to a palm tree, carrying on about if Nik can’t be a friend then maybe they just shouldn’t live together. Then she dramatically flees the scene. Nik says she had every intention of getting along with Mandy, just as soon as she’s done baiting her for our entertainment.

So, a lot of fake drama but still kind of dull. Anyway, thank you for choosing ChickBomb’s recap, and have a great day!