Food Network Star: Dessert Disaster!

What’s up, what’s up, what’s up, ‘Gasmii? (What? Don’t look at me like I’m the douche. Frat Boy Chris is the douche—remember his first camera piece with Alton in the first episode? Yeah, now ya do.) Many thanks to Bluzgirl for her awesome recap last week. I enjoyed reading it on my phone while sitting in very long meetings all day and night. The hotel TV didn’t even have Food Network!  There was simply no hope.

I just got back this weekend and have had a crazy time since. So, I haven’t even watched last week’s episode for myself. All I know is, it was a double elimination, and Jaboo went home first, Katie following enthusiastically behind, chattering away about five topics at once. I’ll admit it—I won’t miss them.

So, let’s get right to it. We have 90 minutes of cookin’ and camera-in’ awesomeness to talk about!

(Let me get this out of the way: as I watched last night, I came to the startling realization that these guys are living in the same exact house that the Money Hungry cast filmed in! I’m pretty sure! There’s no gigantic hamburger and fries in the entryway, and there aren’t big barbells and a scale on the façade of the house, but it’s the same! I recognize that voting counter anywhere! (No one watched that show, did they?))

We watch Frat Boy Chris wake himself up with an annoying grunt, one that sounds like he may have just had sex with himself. Ew. He humps at the air while chattering about tanning. Vin Diesel Vegas and Ichabod Justin (new nickname for Justin Trying Too Hard, catch up!) think Chris is pretty annoying.

Wow, they’re really cutting to the chase this week. There’s barely any fluff as the team drives from the Money Hungry house to the Food Network studios. Giada meets them there, and you can almost see the elaborate puppet string-work set up to hold up her head. She’s standing beside an enormous vending machine full of name-brand candy bar treats. The contestants will come over to the vending machine and receive a Hershey™ candy to turn into DINNER. (It’s apparently random selection.) Oooh! How many mole sauces are we gonna get?

The answer?  Many.  Many mole.

Susie Mexican gets Hershey Kisses with almonds. She’s like, “hey, I’mma make a mole!” NO SHIT. Mediocre MaryBeth gets Reese Cup minis. (Can I have some, please?) Whitney, whom I’m still trying to place (who does she look like? I don’t see the Rachael Ray thang at all), gets dark chocolate pieces. Frat Boy Chris gets York Peppermint Patty pieces. Yikes, WTH ya gonna do wit’ dat?

Comedian Jeff gets regular ol’ Kisses. Ichabod Justin gets Hershey Kisses with caramel. Food Blogger Justin, who looks TOTALLY different from the last show I watched, gets Reeses’s Dark cups. That’s good. I heard he likes ‘em dark. What? I’m talking about chocolate!

Ah-LISH-ah gets milk chocolate drops, whatever the fuck they are. (Lemme guess, they’re M&Ms but not made by Mars.) Jyll gets Almond Joy pieces. Almond Joy has coconut, right? Yuck. Penny makes me sneer when she gets Hershey Kisses, Special Dark, “…Just like me.” UGH. Orchid gets a straight-up Hershey bar. Yum, now I’m thinkin’ S’mores! Finally, Vin Vegas gets Kisses with white chocolate cream.

They get one minute to cook and one hour to present to the camera. Hold up, switch that around. Comedian Jeff immediately goes up a few notches when he puts on a big dorky sweatband. THANK YOU. I’ve seen enough of Top Chef’s Sexist Pigshit’s sweat drops land in food to last me a lifetime. No more sweat! (Oh wait, last week, Jeff got called out specifically for that violation. On Top Chef, it’s an unspoken no-no. Apparently, on FNS, you speak of it.)

Comedian Jeff-san, tell us about your dish!

Okay, Frat Boy Chris gets a very slight nod of approval from me as he turns his Peppermint Patty lemon into a mint-sauce-for-lamb lemonade. (Was that too confusing? I HAVE had some tequila tonight.) He’s also making some kind of pesto with the mints. Can he do away with the chocolate? Is that against the rules? I’m not into chocolate pesto so much. Oh, then he decides to make some fish? What? I didn’t have THAT much tequila. This makes no sense at all. Classic rookie mistake, making too much.

That’s kinda not fair, to have some people with individually wrapped candies!
I call bullshit, Food Network!

Vin Vegas is making filet with mozzarella, but then has chocolate stuffing sizzling away? And is making asparagus? Oh no. This isn’t good. Then he dips the asparagus in chocolate!! OH NO! THIS ISN’T GOOD!

Ah-LISH-ah is making some kind of eggplant dish with her chocolate, and Mediocre MaryBeth is excited to try chocolate in her peanut butter sauce. Way to be mediocre, MB. Someone’s making chocolate pasta. Huh?

“I really hope they can’t taste my accent in this dish.”

Jyll’s got some coconut shrimp going with her Almond Joy pieces. WOW, now that’s good. I want to eat some right now, please. (Soak up the tequila, right?) Penny’s even impressed. She was a bitch last time, right? I mean, no surprise? Did she lay off Ah-LISH-ah personally, at least? I really need to go back and watch. Deadlines…

“Smiles are important in recipes!”

And now it’s time for the one-minute camera presentations! Chris writes his notes on his hands, which I bet is going to be something he gets called out for. Sigh. And we all knew it was coming, Giada picks up on it right away. And it’s too bad, he seemed sincere and into it, doing a good job, but he got dinged. They don’t really like his dish that much either. Chris was trying so hard to seem mature, but Smooshy-Faced Bob still thinks he’s a kid.

Sweaty Comedian Jeff is next. His delivery is sincere and measured, talking about his grandmom letting him eat Nutella out of the jar. His pear sandwich with chocolate sauce seemed to be well received.

…Which is not the fate for our dear Vin Vegas. His presentation makes me laugh because he’s trying to come up with cool ways to talk about how he put food on a plate. There’s no story, there’s no angle, there’s just some waxed eyebrowed, tattooed fellow telling us that he put chocolate sauce dripping off the side, and then dipped asparagus in chocolate as garnish. Well, thanks. Our blind audience needed the help. Bob and Giada are totally squicked out by the asparagus.

I appreciate someone being earnest as much as the next recapper, but this is too much.  Those sad eyebrows are too much! There’s just something wrong with it.

Ichabod Justin stiffly presents his porkchop with chocolate/caramel sauce. I think there’s a mustard crust. Sounds good, actually, but Penny chops him down for sounding so wooden. Bob and Giada love the food, so he gets some smiles.

“Surprisingly, though my name is Ichabod and I’ve got a wooden personality, my teeth are made of enamel, just like yours.”  (Was that a stretch?  it was. Sorry, it’s late!)

Jyll knocks it out of the park with her Almond Joy coconut shrimp. It really looks so good, I’m tempted to run out to the store now to get some ingredients. What? It’s 9 PM and I’ve been drinking. You’re right, I should talk about it to myself all night and then promptly forget about it tomorrow. Thank you. Oh, also, the judges loved Jyll’s performance.

Orchid’s next. She makes chili with chocolate in it. They love her. Then there’s Mediocre MB. I have no idea what food she prepared, but the judges loved her story (something about using leftover Halloween candy creatively in the kitchen, rather than dealing with a two-week sugar high). Glad she seems to be stepping it up.

We’re not spending much time at all with Orchid, which means she’s sticking around for a while. Good!

Then there’s Whitney. She’s the one with the chocolate pasta. She made a chocolate sauce for a tenderloin, too, and the judges like it just fine. She’s in no trouble.

Then Ah-LISH-ah is up. She makes the classic mistake of paying too much attention to her nerves. She starts to botch her presentation, ad libbing ridiculous things, and you know she’s going to cry in about five seconds. Giada and Bob didn’t love the food, and Bob (rightly) said that he didn’t trust what came out of her mouth, because she was such a fuck-up. (My words at the end, not his.) I think her tongue is too big for her face. Does that match up with that weird “accent”? I think so.

Verdict? Ah-LISH-ah didn’t do well. No kidding. Vin Vegas did better on camera this week, but his food stunk. And the winner is…. Jyll! Hooray! I’m trying to picture her with her own show. I think she’d probably not be too annoying. I almost think she needs a really basic show, something without a crazy “point of view”. Just fill in the spaces between all the other current chefs/shows.

You can tell who’s sincere and who’s here for game-play.

The contestants return for round two of this episode, which has something to do with Duff, Ace of Cakes, and that big-armed British guy who got busted for lying about his credentials. Robert something? Dinner Impossible? I only watched his show a few times. It doesn’t speak to me. Also, everyone loves Duff. (I don’t.)

That’s, like, the only time that guy Robert has ever smiled.

The challenge? It’s a doozy. Like, it’s almost too much. They’ll be split into two teams of six, and each team will create a spectacular visual display of desserts, which will contain one dessert from each of the six contestants and two team desserts. Hang on, let me get some scratch paper to make sure I have this all down. Six individual desserts, two team desserts, one display. Jesus.

Oh, and they’re feeding 150 guests. Wow. No thanks, I don’t want to be the Food Network Star. I prefer to watch it peripherally while I dust, vacuum, email my friends, and check Facebook. Oh, and nap. BTW, they have six hours and $2K each for this.

Robert wants his team to come up with some “impossible flavor combinations.” For Duff’s team, he wants sophisticated kiddie desserts.

Since Jyll won the camera challenge, she gets to choose which team she’s on (Duff vs. Robert) AND she gets to select her teammates. She goes with an all-girl cast of Ah-LISH-ah (who notes that she’s a pastry chef, so it’d be really embarrassing if she went home this week), Whitney, Susie Mexican, Orchid, and Mediocre MB. Jyll explains her choices (which leaves Penny to cook with all the men, which she should be happy about, being so single and sexy, no?), saying that Penny and Chris have bad energy, and she just doesn’t want it. Who can blame her? I like this challenge—let’s go!

All the dudes are feeling kinda like they got short-changed, but they all seem to understand it. It’s a baking challenge, and they’re men. It’s not sexist if they all admit that’s not their skill, is it? They’re kinda the Bad News Bears to Jyll’s dream team. Maybe they’ll win!

Actually, it sounds like the Bad News Bears step it up because the expectation is that they’ll suck. They head off to the restaurant warehouse place. Penny gets some boxes set aside to help their display achieve great height. Frat Boy Chris deems himself the leader. One moment later, Ichabod Justin deadpans about Chris deciding he’s the leader, but no one listens to him. Awesome.

Mediocre MB also sets aside some boxes. Uh oh, is she setting aside the same ones Penny set aside? I hope we get a knife fight to settle this out.

Though Jyll put the dream team together, she’s not really stepping it up with ideas, which Ah-LISH-ah notes but does nothing about, so Whitney steps in as leader. Jyll seems to be okay with that. Whitney concludes that they should just go “whimsical.” Oh, okay. That’s totally clear. Done. You win. NOT.

Oooh! I’m gonna get my knife fight!!! I called it! MB came to get the boxes and Penny bared her teeth! Yay!

(Yes, I’m almost certain that’s the Money Hungry house. Do I still have my photos from that show somewhere? No? Darn.)  Anyway, the groups sit around the Money Hungry house, devising their winning schemes. Ah-LISH-ah just needs to remember her cupcake recipe and she’ll “be golden.” Something tells me she doesn’t remember it. Yay!

(Or wait, is it the Rock of Love house? Someone help me out here.)

The next day, everyone gets revved up and heads to the cooking venue in their big ol’ advertised Buicks. Jyll’s team is in black cook jackets, while the Bad News Bears are in white.

Penny explains her contribution to the sophisticated/unusual flavor combinations that they hope will impress Chef Robert, which is a Middle Eastern rice pudding with saffron. She’ll add some other junk to it, which all sounds delicious, but is that visually appealing at ALL? How do you make pudding stand out visually? I’m curious. This is a visual challenge, isn’t it?

Frat Boy Chris definitely thinks he’s the leader of this team, so he takes it upon himself to throw his say into everything else in the kitchen. He helps Penny with the pastry dough, which is probably unnecessary, and then he starts on his glaze, which will add a “cool color” to his tart, and he’s making homemade ice cream. Nope, doesn’t sound at all like Chris is biting off more than he can chew.

Oh wait! He’s making a chocolate ganache cake, too! He does some math for us, too, virtuoso that he is, calculating that his cake recipe for ten people needs to be multiplied by twenty to feed 200 guests. I’m really bad at math, or else I’d be pissed that he did this to me.

So bad at math that once, I refused to say a number out loud for someone, citing “I’m bad at math.”  That person said, “SP, it’s not ‘math,’ it’s COUNTING.”  Well, I’m bad at counting, too.
What can I say?! Numbers spook me!

Vin Vegas is really trying to impress the judges, so he’s trying to knock it out of the park with some cream puffs. I personally don’t care for cream puffs much at all, but I sure hope the judges do! Will they even make it onto the plate? Is that an old joke? I assume the man was able to plate food last week, since he’s still here this week.

Jyll’s team is doing its best to ignore Frat Boy Chris’s buffoonery. They’re making their little cupcake lollipops and brownie sundaes and such all squeaky and happy as can be. Sounds pretty boring.

Ah-LISH-ah’s dish actually sounds good, some kind of vanilla cupcake with cookie dough in the center (how does THAT work—I guess the “dough” is actually “cookie” by the time it’s all cooked), with a fondant star on top. She’s separating egg whites when Whitney stops by to ask her something. Ah-LISH-ah doesn’t speak, just shakes her head and holds up a finger to tell Whitney to shut it. Is she counting? Can’t she count egg shells and still converse? Whatever. Whitney notices how nervous Ah-LISH-ah is. Oh, and Ah-LISH-ah’s doubly nervous because this dough she can barely remember how to make is part of the group recipe, too. Nice!

There’s mediocre drama afoot with Mediocre MB, something about butter being too cold and then needing to be warmer, but not too warm. Exciting!

Frat Boy’s first batch of cake is apparently trash—too much baking soda. Well, you did the math, Chris, what happened? Ten times twenty, right? Oh, that’s right, cups and tablespoons exist in a different math universe. (<–no sarcasm.) Meanwhile, Sweatband Jeff is making whoopee pies with smoked sea salt and cherries and macadamia nuts, etc. Too much!

Ichabod Justin is making kettle corn, and I….just fell in love. I love kettle corn. He’s making it with truffle honey butter and almonds, and I just want to swim in it for days. Can I, mommy, can I? Chris trash talks Ichabod’s other dessert, which is…bacon on a stick, dipped in chocolate. I’m a bacon fan, but this doesn’t fit the challenge. Make that on Marijuana Day or something, not HERE.

Orchid is the first to talk to Duff when he visits the kitchen. She’s making a pecan pie with a graham and bacon crust. YUM. Duff springs a food-boner about it right away. He stops by Whitney next, who’s dripping hair all over her food. She’s making that croquembouche thing, the cream puff tower. The guys on the other team start to dream big, thinking that it’d be pretty freakin’ awesome to beat out the pastry girl team in a pastry/dessert challenge. They’re right, too. I bet that’s what happens. Thanks, foreshadowing editors!

“I heard that you cry a lot.  Care to show me?”
“Sure!”

Robert comes to visit the Bad News Bears. They’re terrified, since their kitchen is a mess. And it turns out, their instinct was right. Robert hates the messy kitchen!

Commercial! Cliffhanger! Wow! Also, there’s still an hour left in this show right now. How is that possible? We already had a camera challenge and are about to have this big dessert party thing? How can that take an hour?! Halp!

Oh, back to Robert being mad about the mess. He demands to know who’s in charge. Frat Boy Chris doesn’t speak up at first, but then he admits that he’s the leader. The rest of the team is like, “Um, no, he’s not the leader.” Even Robert is like, “That didn’t work for me.” So, the team nominates Ichabod Justin to be the leader. He’s all over it.

“Vin, start by putting food on a plate.  Penny, I need you to wipe off those eyebrows, they’re making me angry.  Justin, don’t be like Frat Boy Chris and eff this up!”

Now Robert’s visiting each chef to learn about their dishes. He is intimidating as hell. I know that’s his schtick, but I feel bad for the Bad News Bears all the same. Especially since he visits Chris first, who’s pooping his pants about his boring food. Robert agrees that there’s nothing special about Frat Boy Chris’s dishes. Sad.

Robert bonds with Vin Vegas a little, offering advice on cooking the cream puffs. (Is that allowed?) He also loves Food Blogger Justin’s basil pudding idea, since it’s actually unique. There’s a little drama with Robert suggesting that Food Blogger Justin put corn in the pudding, and Justin doesn’t want to. Fun! Robert leaves the kitchen with a few intimidating words of leadership for Ichabod. Scared!

Careful, Vin. Brainwaves destroy cream puffs.  Betcha Robert didn’t tell you that.

“Mom!  What are you doing here?! Also, please fix this sauce.”

Seriously, who is this guy?  Where’s the bow-tied guy from episode 1?  oh, same guy? Really?

Frat Boy Chris keeps insisting that he’s a leader, even though he was just booted from the leadership role. Then his second batch of chocolate cakes totally fails him. Not so good, Chris. Ichabod won’t let the cakes be a part of the challenge, since they’re just not going to work out. This sucks for the team, because now they’ve got to come up with something else totally on the fly, without much time. Way to be a leader, there, Chris. Food Blogger Justin has other ideas for his fennel seed and such, so they’re making some ice cream. (What about Frat Boy’s ice cream? There will be TWO ice creams?!)

Susie Mexican was all set to make churros, which got me excited even though I can’t eat anything that’s showing up on my TV. They haven’t invented that yet. But I love churros! Anyway, she forgot to get frying oil at the store, so no churros. Orchid advises her to make pancakes instead, using the same batter. Churro pancakes. I’m in love! Where is my edible TV, science?!

Well, I don’t think that’ll make it an actual pancake, but that’s creative thinkin’, there. (I know, I know, this photo is from the candy challenge. I just missed Susie Mexican a little!  Sue me!)

Remember that mediocre butter drama? Here it is again. MB’s cookies failed because the BUTTER WAS TOO WARM! The cookies all melted into one big blob. I’m pretty sure that a big sheet of cookie dough is useful in a whimsical dessert challenge, if you’re not too mediocre to see the solution! Whitney tries to dream up some ideas so MB doesn’t totally fail. Something about a cookie crumble on the Gran Marnier milkshakes? Eh.

One frame of the Zapruder film still exists to show us the butter disaster unfolding. One frame, folks. (Back, and to the left.  Back, and to the left.)

I’m already laughing about something a friend just did on Facebook, so I’m totally pumped for what happens next. Frat Boy is trying to take his apple tarts with the “cool” glaze into the walk-in cooler, but he’s struggling with the door. You know five centuries before it happens that he’s going to bobble the tray and drop those tarts. I hold my breath and…BOOM goes the dynamite. YAY! This man can’t win! And everyone’s laughing at him! Take it down a notch, boy, and focus.

Now the contestants are setting up their desserts for the masses, in a great hotel banquet hall. Duff and Robert stroll up. Frat Boy is trying to psyche himself up to NOT suck, especially since there’s another presentation challenge on the way. Susie Mexican is upset about the stupid churro pancakes, since it’s really not what she wanted to make. But please make the best of it, I’m not ready for you to go home yet!

The Dream Team is upset because the Bad News Bears’ display is a lot better looking than theirs. Those damn boxes. Couldn’t Mediocre MB have put herself out there a little further to get some boxes, perhaps pulling a switch-blade on Penny? I paid for a knife fight, I want to see a knife fight! Oh, and the Dream Team presentation? Lots of color, lots of sparkle, but it’s still kinda boring.

One hundred and fifty people come streaming in and descend on the desserts like a swarm of locusts. These people are apparently judging both the food and the small talk of the contestants. I suck at small talk, so here’s another reason to not try out for the Food Network.

“We’re women, so we’re going to pretend to be Angels!  Also, our food is either overcooked, undercooked, or kinda blah!”

“We’re all men, so we’re going to throw gang signs and/or stand awkwardly! Also, our food is more interesting, but our personalities are more questionable for a longer-term television spot!”

Here are some random reactions from the crowd: Vin’s lime/tequila cream puffs were a hit, the Dream Team all seemed friendly, Comedian Jeff was a little slimey in his small talk. Penny wooohooed from across the room like an asshole, and Ah-LISH-ah stumbled over her words. The usual! I’ll save the rest for the actual judging, because I’m tired of this by now. (Though I’ll note a bad edit for the Dream Team—no one liked their dishes? Really?)

I don’t think Bobby Flay likes Robert!  Look at that puss.

Judges! They’re full of snark, and yet, still hungry. What do they think of the Dream Team? Well, MaryBeth’s milkshake was mediocre. They did not drink it all up. It did not bring all the boys to the yard. They DO love her sense of humor, though. They hate Susie Mexican’s dish, but I hope she gets a chance to explain herself. They love Whitney’s croquembouche and are especially impressed since it didn’t have a mold to help support it. And it was delicious. And they think she’s great. Whitney, Whitney, Whitney.

Paragraph break! I like Medusa-haired Susie Judge’s dress! A lot!

Ah-LISH-ah’s cupcakes? No good. It’s bland, it’s not good, and her personality kinda sucks. Medusa Susie says Ah-LISH-ah’s presentation makes her uncomfortable, and I agree. Jyll’s dish is a success—it’s a banana sandwich dipped in chocolate soup or something. And Orchid’s a success, again. Her pecan/bacon pie was pretty good.

“They were inedible?  Great!”

Time to judge the Bad News Bears! It’s another awkward group presentation of the dishes, including a really embarrassing part where Frat Boy Chris is pandering just to Bobby Flay, to the point where Medusa Susie calls him out for it. “There are five of us here…” OH SNAP. Love it. Ichabod falls flat when introducing the team dishes, which kinda pisses Bobby Flay off. GOOD. I hate Bobby Flay.

Time to taste and judge. Comedian Jeff’s whoopee pie is weakly received, especially since the cookie was hard. He’s kinda boring, and so is his food. Ichabod’s popcorn was a hit, but they wondered what else he did with his time. They also think he’s a BORE. Vic’s cream puff was a hit, as was the corn pudding offered by Food Blogger Justin. If only FB Justin had listened to Robert about putting more corn in the dish! Squishy-faced Bob Judge really loved the pudding. Bob also gets a chub going for Penny’s rice—so maybe she’s sexy after all? Ew, don’t let her be right.

They do NOT enjoy Chris’s apple tart biznass, and they all bristle about his presentation to Bobby only. Fail! The group dish, bacon on a stick dipped in chocolate, comes out. I’m nobody, and even I can tell you it’s a fail. No way this gets any kudos. Aaaand, I’m right. They DO love the fennel and orange ice cream. I LOVE fresh fennel and lemon salad with some parmesan, and I think I can get behind the sweet version of that. Yum.

Can someone cook this jerk a smile, please?

The judges deem Team Robert to be the winner! Sorry, Duff, your angels stunk it up and will not be the next Food Network Star. Not today.

Time for everyone to stand awkwardly about while uncomfortable things are said about them! Bad News Bears get queried first, about the decision to leave Penny with all the guys, about Robert’s presence in the kitchen, about the leadership in the kitchen. Food Blogger Justin has a really good heart, or at least a real sense of diplomacy (he must be a Libra), because he explains really kindly how Chris initially took the lead, displayed “chaotic energy” (humping the air a lot, for example), and was then replaced by Ichabod. None of this was said with much negativity, just stating fact. That’s a good guy, there.

Individually, we kinda hear what we already heard. Jeff’s whoopee pies weren’t great; Vin’s cream puffs were good; Ichabod’s popcorn was good, his delivery flat. Food Blogger Justin is told to step it WAY up with his delivery, but his food is awesome. (Dark horse?) Chris is pounded on for sucking so bad, which I really enjoy. What I don’t enjoy is knowing that he probably doesn’t realize that this is TRUTH they’re speaking, not just mean words for one day. He’s not listening, he won’t take it as constructive criticism and change for the better. Therefore, I call it now. If Frat Boy isn’t going home tonight, he’s definitely going home next week.

(This show did not need to be 90 minutes. This is ridiculous.)

Anyway, onto to badgering the loser team, the Dream Team. They’re surprised to have lost, and Whitney talks about how much fun they had. Bobby Douche-lay says, “it’s not the Fun Network, it’s the Food Network.” Thanks.

Ah-LISH-ah speaks up about being good with cakes, which is when Bobby lets the death ray go—the cake lollipops were atrocious, that people were spitting them out. Ah-LISH-ah is astounded.  It sounds like only Ah-LISH-ah’s dish was really bad. Well, maybe hers and Susie Mexican’s churro pancake disaster.

Then Medusa-Susie Judge hits on the leadership issue. I guess because they were working so well together, no one bothered to step up as leader for the team vision. Duff didn’t hammer “leadership” home with them the way Robert did with his team, either. And ultimately, maybe it was the lack of leadership that lost the challenge. Jyll should have been de facto leader, at least at first, so she looks pretty chagrined.

The judges hammer at Susie Mexican a bit for her dish, and I’m surprised we don’t hear much about the folly at work. I mean, I guess that’s cool that she just sucked it up and took her lumps, but I think maybe they’d understand a smidge if she explained. Oh well. Whitney’s complimented for her cream puffs, but they tell her she’s a little boring. You can tell she’s a little broken by this.

Psst, Ah-LISH-ah, they’ve figured you out.  The smiles stopped working somewhere around the first camera challenge of episode one!

Time to shoot a continuous insult bomb at Ah-LISH-ah! Her cupcakes were terrible! Duff’s didn’t even have cookie dough! Tears! Squinchy Bob calling out the tears—whassap? More tears!!

MaryBeth looks like she might cry when the judges hate on her milkshake. It was too runny, and the cookie fucked it up. (Thanks, WHITNEY.) She’s told to rein in that worry when things don’t go well, because it shows up too well on camera.

So, finally, who’s going home? I won’t drag it out like Food Network does. Ah-LISH-ah? Yep, Ah-LISH-ah. Thank God I don’t have to type that name out any longer! She’s mostly just embarrassed to be going home on THIS challenge. Ya know, since she’s a pastry chef. Well, time to re-evaluate, right?

“I’m so embarrassed.”  You should be!

Byeeeeeee!

Next week! It’s something with Paula Deen and Cougar Town and drama! You know you love it, so come back, won’tcha?

(Just for fun!)