Barefoot Contessa vs. The Turkey

Food Network

By B-Side | Thursday, November 24, 2005 | 4:27 pm | 4 Comments
ina_turkey

Well, Paula Dean dominated her turkey. Let’s see what bag of tricks the docile Ina Garten of The Barefoot Contessa has up her sleeves…

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As expected, Ina’s a complete pushover. She starts off by softy tickling the turkey, extending her fingers under its skin.

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Whoa, Ina. That’s a bit more hand than the turkey was expecting. Let’s slow this down a notch.

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That was a close one. Okay, back to basic turkey massage. Advantage: turkey.

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Whoa, whoa. What are you doing with that heaping spoon of butter? I thought this was supposed to be a playful massage, Ina.

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Ouch! Ina wedges the butter under the turkey’s skin, but before things get out of hand, she massages the bird, almost as if to say, “Don’t worry. I won’t hurt you. Just trust me…” Advantage: Ina?

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After lulling the the turkey into a state of comfort and security, Ina goes for the kill and stuffs giant lemon wedges into its cavity. Advantage: INA.

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Oh, she’s not done! Ina just keeps cramming stuff into that turkey’s bum. The gimp outfit can’t be too far behind.

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Ina takes total control as she ties the turkey up and makes it yell “UNCLE!” A phrase Jeffrey knows well…

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“YOU’LL TAKE IT AND YOU’LL LIKE IT!!!” screams Ina.

Final score: Ina 15, Turkey 0.

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4 Comments

  1. 1
    Dickey D
    Posted November 24, 2005 at 8:40 pm

    very amusing B-Side, i always love your photo-by-photo plays… but how about that Amazing Race recap… yeaahh :) amazing race

    Hope you guys in America had a good Thanksgiving, eh?

  2. 2
    EROSion
    Posted November 24, 2005 at 11:37 pm

    I too, sadly, celebrated my Thanksgiving in October and MISSED ALL OF THESE GLORIOUS SHOWS! Dammit!

    Oh, well, I did get to see Martha’s live show where she showed George (Bree’s crazy pharmacist) how to roast a good turkey. He had Martha call him (and herself) on the sexual innuendos being passed between them. Butter massages, drugging the nuts, etc.

    Anyone else see the slow seduction of the Stewart?

  3. 3
    Emily
    Posted November 28, 2005 at 11:02 am

    Haaa! That’s my aunt. I’m forwarding this to her, she’ll love it. I also love the suggestive moment. Hilarious.
    -Emily Garten

  4. 4
    Pete
    Posted November 29, 2005 at 8:35 am

    Ohh man, Ina Garten can stuff me anytime! I love her!

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