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Sunday, April 23, 2006
10:36 pm
26 Comments
Iron Chef America returns next week, and according to the promos, Bobby Flay will be battling Ralph Pagano, the culinary genius from Hell’s Kitchen who once awed America with his revolutionary steak and white peach masterpiece. Is this really fair? Normally, Bobby Flay battles renowned chefs from such fine establishments as Le Bernadin or The French Laundry. But the lowly runner-up to an amateur cooking show? This will be the easiest battle Bobby Flay’s ever participated in. His only challenge will be avoiding Ralph’s huge boner.
I’ve actually been lucky enough to sample some of Ralph’s cooking — I dined in his “Frank and Lulu’s” restaurant during the Hell’s Kitchen season finale. Let me tell you something: a line cook at Applebees could beat this guy in Kitchen Stadium. If the Food Network really wants to ramp up the reality star factor, they would swap out Ralph for celebrity chef / narcissistic dumbass Rocco DiSpirito. Or better yet, Gordon Ramsey. I think it’s about time someone yelled “YOU CALL THIS BLOODY RISOTTO?” and then threw a plate at Alton Brown.
Who would you like to see on Iron Chef?
26 Comments
Paula Dean, sponsored by Americ’s butter farmers.
Shorten the competition time to 30 minutes and then watch the sparks fly as Rachel Ray does her magic.
Paula Deen….but I’m not sure how she’d do in the 1 hour format. Or second choice, put my girl Rachael Ray in there. But, Paula’s my fav…and I’d want her to go up against Mario Batali because her southern accent and his incessantly annoying pronunciation of all things ITALIANO would be hilarious.
I’d like to see Martha Stewart on there. She might have learned some tricks in prison that would help her smoke the competition, and then after she beat them down she could write a letter telling them how much she appreciated the challenge.
I doubt Paula would know what half the ingredients are, though I do love her.
I’d like to see Stephen The Cunt from Top Chef, so Flay can face off with a fellow douchebag in a Douche-Off.
By the way, one of the things that make Top Chef worth watching is that they let Steven be called “a tool and a douchebag” without beeping it out. Yay Bravo!
P.S. Sounds like they’re trying to raise Flay’s win to loss ratio.
holyterror,
You know….it would awesome if Paula could be on and the secret ingredient was alligator. You know she could tear up some gator, Y’ALL!!!
“I think it’s about time someone yelled “YOU CALL THIS BLOODY RISOTTO?” and then threw a plate at Alton Brown.”
Funniest thing I’ve read in a long, long time. Thank you TVGasm. Thank you.
MODULUS: I’d like to see someone flame something and wind up with their face all black like Elmer Fudd when he lights a stick of dynamite instead of a cigar.
hazasaem: Or crayfish –I’m sure you’re right. But I’d like to see her with an octopus or dragon fruit. I bet she’d just ignore it, have a drink, and make a lot of jokes and some cheese biscuits — which would be fine by me.
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
can you just picture gordon ramsay yelling at bobbly flay?!?!?!
that would be a true tvgasm
I’d like to see that one old dude, the frugal gourmet that was on PBS back in the day. He was the original Rachel Ray.
but I think he died….?
I’m not sure if it has already aired, but I heard the Rachel Ray has filmed an Iron Chef epi…
Why settle for Ralph when you could get Dewberry?
Can’t wait for the return of Hell’s Kitchen….
joshman5k: No, he was found to be using his “ministry” (he was a pastor) to fuck little boys. That’s why he disappeared.
I’m still upset about the Frugal Gourmet. Who knew you could have a great cooking show on PBS AND be a kiddie diddler all at the same time? Incidentally, the Froog kicked the proverbial bucket a while back.
Wait, Bobby Flay is taking on Edgar Stiles??
LQ: Maybe he was killed by Chinese people tired of him mixing them up with the Japanese.
I don’t believe he went on that long without a fact-checker … and a rectal exam.
holyterror – Did he die of rectal cancer? It’s hard out there for a pimp without health insurance. The colonoscopy that is so highly touted by Katie Couric costs between 2000 and 3500 bucks. Surely worth it when your talking about one’s life, but if you ain’t got it, you ain’t got it.
Regarding heritage mix ups- One of my boys was lamenting the loss of Bruce on Survivor. He says “Poor Bruce. He was my favorite because he was a ninja. And he was the only one who was, you know, a Mexican.” This is the same kid who looked around one of those Chinese buffets, leaned in and conspiratorially whispered “Hey mom, did you notice that everyone who works here is French?”
Is that really what happened to the Frugal Gourmet guy? i hope not. You know who I think seems like a child molester is Jacques Pepin.
But I have to agree, Gordon Ramsay on Iron Chef would be the greatest thing ever. When is Top Chef coming back? Is it coming back at all? Anyone know?
Paula Deen VS Two Fat Ladies
Today’s secret ingredient is…. MAYONNAISE!!!
Paula rules. And I think the ingredient you are searching for is BUTTER.
Redhead – Dewberry….oh, that was pricelss.
Would love to see some more Hell’s Kitchen. Gordon would make mincemeat of Bobby Flay. OH, there you go, secret ingredient….MINCEMEAT.
holyterror, great call on Paula and the dragon fruit / octopus battle. Love it.
I think Harold from Top Chef would be pretty rockin’. I love his whole “how the hell did I get mixed up in this show, please put me back in a real kitchen” vibe. And he could just yell “fangulo!” if he lost to the Iron (so glad Bravo let that one through too.)
tvtvtv (#22): That was great, and I really like Harold, but I think he’s too mature and competent for what we’re seeking here — that’s why I suggested Steven, whom I hope gets smoked this week, incidently.
I liked Steven’s description at the Judges’ Table of how people’s “eyes widened, their mouths dropped” during his gas-fests on booze, when the film showed them either giggling or rolling their eyes, or barely refraining from telling him to shut the fuck up and serve the food. His “let’s throw together a bunch of ingredients no one knows about” style of cooking would be a great foil for Flay. You just know he’d overshoot it and make some incomprehensible, unpalatable mess.
Plus, he moves like Frankenstein and has a face like an ass, which I find endlessly amusing.
holyterror,
i, 2, HATE Steven w/ a passion!! last wk, he was especially bad, esp. awful, even the judges & the stupid hostess seemed 2 find his wine preaching annoying. blah blah blah, if i had been a diner, i would’ve flashed him my fakest smile. can’t stand him! (or Tiffany either, but at least she seems like she’s a good cook). i like Harold. & David, pr thing.
if Flay took on Deen, i would have 2 watch w/the mute button on, plus subtitles, i cannot stand the sound of either of them, even tho at least Paula seems like a sweet nice person. Flay is god-awful, he’s so smug & fugly i cannot stand the sight of him.
Tati -
I’m going to meet Paula this summer, I’ll let you know if she’s as sweet in person as she is on TV….
My fav thing on Flay is the fact that he keeps hurting himself on Iron Chef and damaging his self-consuming image of kitchen god. You’re right, he is a smug bastard.
DEWBERRY VS. MORIMOTO Now *that* would be a battle royale. Dewberry would get the vapors 3 minutes into the challenge. Morimoto would cut him into sushi and serve him.
And yes, Jash, I agree. Ramsay yelling at Flay would be the ultimate TVGasm.