Sandra Lee And Her Cans

Food Network

By sg-dub | Thursday, November 24, 2005 | 9:58 am | 12 Comments
11-25-05a.jpg 11-25-05b.jpg

I’ll be honest, Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee isn’t one of my usual Food Network guilty pleasures. Maybe it’s her rushed delivery that makes me jumpy and turns me off. Perhaps it’s her obsession with something called “Tablescapes” which until watching Sandra were completely foreign to me – as they shall remain. Or, perhaps it’s the fact that her “recipes” suck? That’s probably it.

I watched two of her shows for this special Thanksgiving TVgasm offering and that’s plenty, trust me (and remember, I love my Food Network). The first thing one notices is the Barbara Walters soft-filter on the cameras. Actually, that’s not true – usually, the first thing I notice about the show are Sandra’s gigantic sagging boobies. Unfortunately, on the first episode I watched, Ms. Lee wore a very modest/loose black blouse. Lame. I’m certainly not a “boob guy” at all, but c’mon Sandra, give me something I can work with here! Well, she did actually show us her cans – cans of soup, cans of sauces, cans of veggies… (See above) *Rimshot!*Sandra Lee is nuts. Her “thing” is to create a theme for each meal and run with it all the way down to the Theater of the Absurd. The first episode’s theme was “Movie Night” and the menu consisted of a fondue, some popcorn, some booze, some other dip, and lasagna. Sandra is for those of you who can’t cook for shit but love love loooooove to decorate. Also, you must wear creepy black eyeliner. In other words, Sandra totally dominates the gay Goth demographic.

“Semi-Homemade” means making simple and quick meals using crap you’ve bought at the supermarket and forgotten about in your pantries. She’s the anti-Alton. It also means you have to say, “Pop this (item) into the (sink/bowl/fridge/mouth/etc)” a lot.

The second episode I studied was her quick little Thanksgiving meal. Not much to report here except Sandra wore one of her patented tight turtlenecks which was nice (she is kind of a MILF, but her Stepford qualities still would scare me away). She also used stuffing from a store-bought plastic bag and Cool Whip in her dessert/drink thing. Cool Whip! Let me tell you people something – if you’re making a meal for more than just your immediate family, you had better buy the stupid heavy cream and whip that shit up the right way. It takes 5 minutes and it’s infinitely better than freaking Cool Whip.

11-24-05e.jpg
Yes folks, that really IS Cool Whip
11-25-05c.jpg
Sandra drops the necessary LSD into the mix
11-24-05h.jpg
Sandra drinks the necessary 40oz to stomach her own food
11-25-05d.jpg
“I can cook! Really! Wink!”
11-24-05f.jpg
Sandra’s “Secret” is out of the bag
11-24-05i.jpg
Be sure to match your mitts with your decor!
11-24-05j.jpg
What tablescape is complete without old records hung from flypaper?

I guess Sandra spends 3 hours decorating her kitchen, dining room, and tablescapes instead of actually cooking. My final thought? Move this show to HDTV or Discovery Home – this is NOT cooking. Or, have her do it in a bikini, teach her spanish, and put it on Telemundo. Yeah, that would be good.

About

12 Comments

  1. 1
    cocoa hill
    Posted November 24, 2005 at 10:54 am

    I don’t know if you folks watch “My Name Is Earl,” but a recent episode featured a white-trash wedding with centerpieces made from 2-liter soda bottles and a wedding cake of tiered Twinkies and Ho-Hos. All I could think was, “My God, it’s a Sandra Lee tablescape!”

  2. 2
    Aries
    Posted November 24, 2005 at 12:47 pm

    Awww, you’re missing the genius behind Sandra Lee. And by genius I mean she’s able to keep a straight face as she pretends like the stuff she is cooking isn’t gross.

  3. 3
    leo
    Posted November 24, 2005 at 1:00 pm

    So funny…I was watching the show with my boyfriend, and the first thing he asked was what was wrong with her boobs!

  4. 4
    JustUsMoms
    Posted November 24, 2005 at 8:16 pm

    I love her tablescapes… especially when she goes on and on about how everything came from the dollar store.

    But i think i’d have to draw the at old records hung from flypaper. Aren’t you going to get stuck in that shit every time you reach for the salt?

  5. 5
    Hes1223
    Posted November 25, 2005 at 3:40 pm

    Her Halloween Episode was hilarious she had like four different costume changes and she was showing us how to make Halloween themes Tablescapes :)

  6. 6
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted November 25, 2005 at 6:49 pm

    Her face is freaky, like Cher’s — it *never* moves. And I thought she was supposed to be the next Martha Stewart?!

    Dream ON!
    She can’t cook for toffee.

    She did this dumb thing where she used a clothes pin to attach a silk leaf to a wine glass stem. Yeah, right! How’re you supposed to drink it with that shit in the way?

  7. 7
    Dean Hess
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 3:08 pm

    Was anyone else surprised that she didn’t make Stove-Top, add extra salt, then call it “Homemade?” Seriously, I can’t stand this woman.

  8. 8
    SpicyLatina
    Posted November 28, 2005 at 9:46 am

    HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!
    “Or, have her do it in a bikini, teach her spanish, and put it on Telemundo”. I’ve been watching telemundo all my life and if they really did put her in a bikini she wouldn’t even have to learn Spanish and they would still love her!!!

  9. 9
    Peter
    Posted November 29, 2005 at 11:55 am

    Wow Sandra, you are so great. My god, you can take 12 different kids of food (either from a can, frozen or dried) put them together to get a complete meal that is not only tasty, but has more preservatives than your forehead has botox. Yes we know you like to inject fresh meat with synthetic flavorings, hence, your silicone boobs and that your husband likes to beat you when you do prepare sloppy joes, but you are lucky you have good editors, cause you are the worst cook.

  10. 10
    VBKatLou
    Posted December 10, 2005 at 2:49 am

    You certainly have her pegged. Watching Semi-Homemade is like watching a skit on SNL. That woman had to have slept with someone to get a show on FN.

  11. 11
    Bloghungry
    Posted December 11, 2005 at 11:05 pm

    Sandra Lee is a monster and must be stopped. Her experiments with premade foods are much more Fear Factor than Food Network.

  12. 12
    Rodney
    Posted December 11, 2005 at 11:07 pm

    Check out the Sandra Lee Mega Mix on Bloghungry.com!!

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.