I’ll be honest, Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee isn’t one of my usual Food Network guilty pleasures. Maybe it’s her rushed delivery that makes me jumpy and turns me off. Perhaps it’s her obsession with something called “Tablescapes” which until watching Sandra were completely foreign to me – as they shall remain. Or, perhaps it’s the fact that her “recipes” suck? That’s probably it.
I watched two of her shows for this special Thanksgiving TVgasm offering and that’s plenty, trust me (and remember, I love my Food Network). The first thing one notices is the Barbara Walters soft-filter on the cameras. Actually, that’s not true – usually, the first thing I notice about the show are Sandra’s gigantic sagging boobies. Unfortunately, on the first episode I watched, Ms. Lee wore a very modest/loose black blouse. Lame. I’m certainly not a “boob guy” at all, but c’mon Sandra, give me something I can work with here! Well, she did actually show us her cans – cans of soup, cans of sauces, cans of veggies… (See above) *Rimshot!*Sandra Lee is nuts. Her “thing” is to create a theme for each meal and run with it all the way down to the Theater of the Absurd. The first episode’s theme was “Movie Night” and the menu consisted of a fondue, some popcorn, some booze, some other dip, and lasagna. Sandra is for those of you who can’t cook for shit but love love loooooove to decorate. Also, you must wear creepy black eyeliner. In other words, Sandra totally dominates the gay Goth demographic.
“Semi-Homemade” means making simple and quick meals using crap you’ve bought at the supermarket and forgotten about in your pantries. She’s the anti-Alton. It also means you have to say, “Pop this (item) into the (sink/bowl/fridge/mouth/etc)” a lot.
The second episode I studied was her quick little Thanksgiving meal. Not much to report here except Sandra wore one of her patented tight turtlenecks which was nice (she is kind of a MILF, but her Stepford qualities still would scare me away). She also used stuffing from a store-bought plastic bag and Cool Whip in her dessert/drink thing. Cool Whip! Let me tell you people something – if you’re making a meal for more than just your immediate family, you had better buy the stupid heavy cream and whip that shit up the right way. It takes 5 minutes and it’s infinitely better than freaking Cool Whip.
Yes folks, that really IS Cool Whip
Sandra drops the necessary LSD into the mix
Sandra drinks the necessary 40oz to stomach her own food
“I can cook! Really! Wink!”
Sandra’s “Secret” is out of the bag
Be sure to match your mitts with your decor!
What tablescape is complete without old records hung from flypaper?
I guess Sandra spends 3 hours decorating her kitchen, dining room, and tablescapes instead of actually cooking. My final thought? Move this show to HDTV or Discovery Home – this is NOT cooking. Or, have her do it in a bikini, teach her spanish, and put it on Telemundo. Yeah, that would be good.