Football Wives: That’s the Game

Okay so here’s what.

Out of the shower and onto the town!

This show would have been a whole lot more interesting if it had been about football wives being cheated on by their football husbands, suing for child support, intercepting text messages of their husbands’ privates meant for star-effing media whores.

“I didn’t realize I took a picture.”

You know, like an E True Hollywood Story.  That’s kinda what I was hoping for when I signed on to take this one.  Does that make me an extremely horrible voyeur?  Have we met?  Instead this show ended up trying to mimic the Real Housewives by throwing a group of women together and stirring up nonsense.  I’m just not sure how many of these gals have the personality to carry this kind of a setup.  Chanita gave it her all, but a one-woman annoyance does not a series make.  And anyway even the Real Housewives idea is stretching itself pretty thin with the DC and Beverly Hills franchises.  The world only offers up so many Jo De La Rosas and Ramona Singers.  The rest are more your average crazy-next-door.  You just can’t bottle lightening.

Having said all that, Pilar Sanders really needs to get over herself.  And that’s about as worked up over her as anyone should get.  Is she even relevant?  But the last several episodes have centered around the other women – namely Chanita and Dawn – working themselves up into certifiable FRENZIES over Pilar thinking she’s too good for them.  Then after several scenes complaining about her, they would end up meeting somewhere to try to bring Pilar down a notch or two, and of course, Pilar always refused to be brought down.

“I only speak to women who have zebra collars. Good day.”

And instead of moving on with their lives, they’d get all lathered up… again.

Exactly. How much are we expected to care?

Which brings us to… the FINALE!  For the first time ever, I see the opening credits to this show, you know the type, where each lady takes a turn modeling some outfit while a fan blows her hair around and she’s shown participating in various “football wife” activities like walking while holding a purse, checking her cell phone, or emerging from a swimming pool in a bikini.  This, however, has to be the most awesomely random shot of irrelevant paraphernalia I’ve seen:

Oh you have one of these too? You must be a FOOTBALL WIFE!

We start the episode with Erin McBriar inviting her castmates out for drinks so that she can propose a kiss-and-make-up trip to New York for the whole group.

Amanda: “Sounds fun, but I’ll need some more pearl necklaces.”

She calls it a girls’ trip and everyone is all excited, including Pilar… except for Chanita, who for whatever reason isn’t here.  But they call her on speaker phone and she’s like, “Is EVERYONE coming then?”  Meaning Pilar of course.  They tell her yes and she says, “all right, all right.”  Oh THANK YOU Chanita, for gracing us with your calming presence.  Please remember to bring your Excedrin because I hear the NYC emergency rooms have very long waits.

And we’re off!  It’s the Brooklyn Bridge!  It’s the Statue of Liberty!  It’s The Strand in matronly cocktail wear for drinks!    Chanita wasn’t there for the initial conversation about this trip, so she is unaware of the fact that one of the current missions is to start Pilar with a clean slate.  She sits across the table grumbling about how everyone acts like Pilar never snubbed them and she’s not going to stand for it.

“I mean, what. We’re going to be nice to each other now? Is that it?”

For her part, all Pilar says is that she’s tired and ready to sleep.  That bitch!

Pilar mistakes Erin for a high horse.

Dawn pulls Chanita aside and tells her that she’s only hurting herself and she should just relax and have a good time.  You know, be an adult.  Chanita doesn’t think that’s being an adult; she thinks its being fake, so instead she opts to storm away in a huff.  We’re so impressed, Chanita.

The next day everyone is ready to shop!  “Erin” has somehow arranged for the girls to all come to an exclusive showroom, reserved normally for buyers only, to apparently try on ridiculous clothing.

“So my belly button can breathe when I SCUBA dive!”

Not sure where Pilar is planning on wearing that little number… perhaps to another premiere of a movie she’s not in?  Amanda is hilarious, saying Pilar looks like a mermaid on steroids so of course she likes it.

“It doesn’t even have any rhinestones!”

Dawn goes, “What’s that saying?  Money can’t buy you class?”  Careful there, Dawn.  I’m pretty sure Countess LuAnn owns that phrase.  Everyone piles into a limo to move on to the next average NYC tourist activity, except for Pilar who is still in the store hemming and hawing over what else she can drop some cash on.  Dawn is slowly working herself up to hysteria.

“If I have to sit in this fully loaded limo for one more minute…”

As soon as the limo stops Chanita grabs Dawn and makes a run for it.  Where do they go?  Central Park?  Nope.  Battery Park to catch a ferry?  Nope.  Ground Zero?  Um, no.  They rush right in to a tattoo parlor.   A tattoo parlor!  Good call ladies, there are surely none of those in Texas.  Chanita justifies all this by saying she’s getting a Jesus tattoo to remind her to walk in love and forgiveness even though she’s always being tested.  Hmm, I think acting your age might go a little further than a tramp stamp with the whole love and forgiveness thing, but what do I know?  Wait, it’s not a tramp stamp, it’s on the back of her neck, so that’s much classier.  She’s saved, y’all, m’kay?

Well now that it’s in ink I believe it.

So later that night, it’s back on with the “mature” partying outfits so the ladies can hit the clubs!

Woooooooo!

Amanda is going to sit this one out since her leg hurts from walking around Manhattan all day (in a limo).  Guess who else is tired?  Pilar.  And Dawn of course takes this as a personal affront.  She’s sure Pilar has made alternate plans that are much better and don’t include them.  And even if she has… so?  You hate her.  Can’t you go have fun with the girls you like?  Apparently not.  A young lady named Jay has joined the group.

Football Wife Hopeful (like Brittany)

She is dating Nick Folk, a former kicker for Dallas.  Jay is going to show them a night on the town in New York City!   Erin’s totes embarrassed because the minute they all get in the limo Dawn goes off on Pilar again.  What happened to not letting Pilar ruin Chanita’s buzz, Dawn?  You need to calm down and mind your bidness, girlfriend.

Astonishingly, not one of them is carded.

They get into the club, take some tequila shots, and suddenly Dawn is raving about how much fun it is without Pilar.  Well good, then everybody wins, right?  Right Dawn?

Drizzly and early the next morning, Melani takes Pilar on a walk to discuss once again the situation with the other wives.  Pilar says it’s sad to see grown women act like third graders.  Word.  Melani says that Pilar shuts down whenever she’s around the other wives.  Then Pilar says a line that personifies why the women don’t like her.  “Why would I continue to cast pearls amongst swine?”  So yes, she thinks she’s better than the others.  On the other hand, they’re constantly egging her on.  They all need to STFU.

Over dinner – without Pilar again – Chanita gives a speech about how wonderful it’s been getting to explore the world of autism through her wonderful friend Dawn and Dawn’s little boy.  With that, she passes out silver puzzle piece necklaces to everyone at the table.  (The puzzle piece is the symbol for autism.)  This makes Dawn weepy and its very sweet, even though this nod to autism is totally out of nowhere.  Then who should come along and crap all over everything just by breathing?  Pilar!  And Melani is with her, which is total betrayal, obvs.

Dawn wants to leave, so Melani suggests that we resolve our issues right now.  Oh great AGAIN?  The girls want to know why Pilar won’t hang out with them more.  Pilar wants to know why they talk about her so much.

“I’ve explained to y’all that we are on totally different levels.”

Brittany wants to know if it would be possible to get up a beer pong tournament if they push a couple of tables together.

“I’d kick all of their butts.”

Voices are raised, questions repeated ad nauseam, accusations hurled… basically the same as every episode.  You’re miserable.  No YOU’RE miserable!  Pilar gets up to leave, as usual.  Amanda and Melani take up for Pilar, saying there’s no way she can win with these odds.  We get some RANDOM snippet of Pilar sniffling and saying she can’t possibly live up to her expected public image.  That so totally was NOT from this fight, but thank you editors.

Melani reminds Dawn that she called Pilar a bitch and Dawn is like, “Well, she called me sweetie!”  Um, okay.  Melani asks Dawn, “Do you go into your law firm and if you don’t like something, start calling people bitch?”  HA!  The bigger question would be do you go into your law firm… at all?  To hear it from Dawn her family is on the doorstep of the poor house now that Ryan’s NFL career is over, so I’m still confused over the whole attorney thing.  Dawn responds by saying that Melani is disrespecting her career.  Again… what career now?  And aren’t we getting away from the point?

“I would sue you for slander if I practiced law!”

Dawn storms away in tears, saying that was worse than anything Pilar could say.  Oh come ON!  Melani follows her out and Chanita tries to pull Dawn away a la Countess LuAnn.  Her again?  But Melani won’t let her and continues her apology to Dawn for disrespecting her alleged career.

Chanita is not at all pleased at being left out of this fight so she starts throwing a fit about being tired of being walked on.

“Won’t someone look at meeeeeeeeee???”

Shut up Chanita, you’ll give yourself a migraine.  Everyone just looks at her, wondering where this is coming from.  Amanda announces that she doesn’t fight like this and she doesn’t get ghetto.  Oooh no she di’int!  When a white girl said that on the Real World it launched worldwide controversy.  Amanda?  Is done.  She says you are who you hang out with and she leaves.  With only one minute left in the season, how will we come to terms with all of this?

Dawn says she’ll always be a football wife, but it’s time to move on.  Chanita says she loves all the gals, but there’s too much fighting and that’s shown her that she has a lot to work on personally and she needs to walk away.  Pilar says if you’re full of bitterness and hate it’s going to come out.  And some of these women are upset about how their lives have turned out (in other words, not like hers) but they need to remember that they are still a lot better off than most people.  True, true.  There WAS an awful lot of whining on this show about how hard it is to make tons of money then… not make tons of money.  Melani says they’ve all been through the same things, but nobody is willing to give.  Amanda says she’s all about the sisterhood, but there’s too much bickering.  Then she goes off into bible talk.  And that’s it!

“I gotta go. My jewelry line won’t hot glue itself.”

That’s a pathetic note to end on.  Is anyone really interested in coming back for another season to watch these girls henpeck each other to death?  Who cares?  I can attend my OWN neighborhood bible study to see that.  And it’s much more interesting when it’s people you know.  
So poor Erin’s friendly NYC girls’ trip turned out to be a major FAIL.  That’ll teach her to try doing anything awesome with people who suck.  Or will it?  Does it even matter?

To any of you who stuck this one out… MUCH LOVE AND APPRECIATION!

See you back in Seaside Heights, NJ.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta